For the first time in a week, I don’t cry when Logan leaves.
He sat there so, so still. Silent. Eyes on mine, but face not hinting what was going through his head.
I expected words. Any words would’ve sufficed. Any reaction at all, but he gave me nothing. No indication whether we’re done or if I should expect him to show up at my apartment in a few days. Nothing, until he kissed my head.
No words were needed after that. The gesture spoke volumes. It screamed at the top of its lungs.
It was his way of saying goodbye.
Maybe telling him that I love him was the wrong choice. I could’ve fed him a generic answer that neither of us would believe, but why bother? What has keeping my feelings unspoken achieved so far?
At least by telling him, I was taking a step. God knows in what direction, but a step, nonetheless.
I didn’t shed a single tear all night. I didn’t sleep, either.
My body and mind feel numb, partly thanks to the painkillers coursing through my bloodstream and partly because I accepted that Logan is gone for good this time. Instead of the expected relief, I want to curl in a ball and mourn.
Luke is the first to come by early in the morning with an unexpected but much-welcome visit. It doesn’t do me any good to be alone with my thoughts.
“Holy mother of baby Jesus,” he huffs before he properly closes the door. “You look like hell, babe. Now I know why you didn’t want me to come over yesterday. I wouldn’t want people to see me like this.” He gestures to me, pulling a face. “Damn, you look like you lost a fight with a bus. How are you feeling?”
“Better than expected,” I admit, sitting up when he hands me a take-out cup of coffee from the café near our studio. I smile, popping the lid and inhaling the heavenly, bitter-sweet aroma. The coffee they serve at the hospital tastes like feet, so this is a godsend. “You’re a lifesaver. Thank you. I’m drugged up, so I feel okay. No pain for now.”
He takes a seat in the chair Logan occupied a little over twelve hours earlier. “I moved most of your appointments to next week, and I’ll cover the two couples who don’t care you almost died and refused to be postponed.”
“I’m not sure if I’ll be able to work next week. Once they let me out of here, the nice drugs stop, and you have no idea how much broken ribs hurt.” I consider getting out of bed to kiss his cheek but send him an air kiss instead. “Thank you for covering for me yesterday. I’m sure you had so much fun with the toddler.”
He scowls, but amusement shines in his eyes as he playfully pokes my shoulder. “Actually, he wasn’t half bad, you know? He tore that stuffed, gray bunny’s eye out, though. I’ve ordered a new one.”
I get a minute-by-minute rendition of the photo shoot, then spend ten minutes explaining how I crashed the car before Luke leaves to start his day, leaving me alone again, texting back and forth with Kaya.
She’s oh so very sorry, but she’s snowed under with work and won’t be able to come over. She also hopes I’ll get better soon and promises to visit when work is more manageable. Read: once my ribs heal and I won’t ask her for help.
Not that I would. Life taught me to be self-sufficient.
“You’ve got another visitor.” The nurse peeks into the room close to two in the afternoon. “Not the cute guy,” she adds in a sweet voice before my heart starts racing, and hope dares to fill the cracks in my heart like medical glue. “Thalia Hayes. Can she come in?”
“Yes, but before you go, do you know when I’m getting released?” I’ve been waiting for the doctor to sign the release paperwork since this morning, but so far, no show.
“It won’t be long now. The doctor is out of the theater and will be doing rounds shortly.”
I’ve heard that three times already, but I smile instead of calling her out on something she has little control over. I don’t feel like smiling, but I realized it gets me things. An extra pudding at lunchtime and coffee from the nurse’s lounge instead of the awful, lukewarm, brown water I had with breakfast.
“I’ll send your friend in.”
Thalia enters the room, her curly mane bouncing as she strolls across to my bed with a big bag flung over one shoulder and a smaller one in her hand. “We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” she huffs, dropping the bags on my legs. “What the hell were you thinking? Theo said your car is totaled. Why were you speeding?!”
“Hello to you, too.”
She leans over to peck my cheek, brown eyes roaming over my face, her anger fading as she ghosts her thumb along the stitches under my eyebrow and sighs. “How are you feeling?”
“About just as good as I look,” I mouth because the concern written on her face hits me all wrong, and I’m struggling to keep my smile genuine.
She cares. Like, really cares about me. My stomach ties in knots, tears welling in my eyes again.
“Thank you,” I mumble.
Thalia pulls her eyebrows together. “What the hell are you thanking me for? I haven’t given you anything yet, but—” She holds her finger up, looks through her bag, and pulls out Milk Duds. “There, I wanted to bring wine, but,” she gestures around us, “can’t have you drunk and drugged.”
I chuckle, wiping my eyes. “I love you; you know that?”
“Why, I’m very lovable.” She winks, plopping down in the chair beside the bed. “Okay, I’m all ears. Talk, Cass. Get it out of your system. I know you’re hiding something. You’ve been a trainwreck for weeks! Is it still about that mystery guy?”
It’s not the first time she’s ordered me to talk, but it was easier to brush her off over the phone when she called for chit-chat than face-to-face. I’m too tired and too hurt to fight her.
She cares about me, and if there’s anyone I trust enough to share secrets with, Thalia’s it.
“If I tell you something…” I look up, meeting her eyes. “Will you swear not to tell anyone? And I mean anyone, Thalia. Not even Theo.”
Especially not Theo.
She holds three fingers up. “Scout’s honor. Come on, you know you can trust me. Talk.”
I bite my lip, inhaling a shaky breath. “That guy I’ve been hooking up with for three months now…”
She rolls her eyes, tilting her head expectantly. “Yeah?”
“It’s Logan.”
“Logan,” she echoes, drawing her thick eyebrows together. “As in… my brother-in-law? That Logan?”
“That Logan.” My head hits the pillows, and I gun the ceiling with a pointed stare. “I thought I could do it.” I grit my teeth, throwing my arm over my face. That’s a lie, and I’m not lying to her. “I hoped if we kept it going long enough, he’d want more, but he only wanted sex. The longer we hooked up, the harder it got to watch him sneak out after dark.”
She grips my hand, grazing her thumb over my knuckles. “That’s the last thing I expected. Why did you keep it a secret so freaking long?!”
“Part of the deal. I was just his dirty secret. No one knows, and no one can know, okay? Please, don’t tell Theo.”
“I promised,” she clips. “You’ve been sneaking around for three months, Cass. That’s not just sex.”
Oh, but it was.
“I told him I love him,” I whisper, close to tears. God damn my waterworks. I’m so fucking tired of crying. “And now he doesn’t even want sex.”
“What an ass,” she huffs, squeezing my hand too tight.
The dam bursts and I spend an hour filling her in on the rollercoaster that the last three months were. She listens mostly in silence, muttering profanities when I tell her Logan threw me out of his house the first time I was there and locked me in the garage the second time.
I’m lighter when I finish. Purified, somehow. I needed to let it out. Not necessarily to hear an opinion, just to talk and be heard. The harsh reality is that Logan is gone, and he won’t be back this time. I stepped over the line confessing my feelings.
“What did he say when you told him you love him?”
“Nothing,” I say on a sigh, recalling the pure mortification on his face at the sound of the three words. “Absolutely nothing. He got up and left. I’ve not heard from him since, and I’m sure I won’t.”
“I don’t know what to say,” she admits.
“There’s not much left to say. We’re done. I need to pick myself up again and keep going.”
