Torn: Chapter 22

After strapping the pink helmet onto her head, I hold the handlebars of the small bicycle I bought her for her birthday, waiting for her to get on.

‘My wheels are gone.’ She says skeptically, touching the seat and blinking up at me.

‘You don’t need the training wheels anymore. You can ride it without them now, like we practiced on your old bike.’

Her teeth chew her bottom lip. ‘Are you sure, Uncle Tor? I don’t want to fall and ruin my new bike.’

I lift her up and gently place her on the seat. ‘I’m going to run right next to you. I won’t let you fall, Angel, I promise. Do you trust me?’

She smiles at me, the gold flecks in her jade eyes sparkling under the bright summer sun.

‘I trust you.’

I wink at her and place my hand on the back of her seat. ‘Okay, then. Start pedaling.’

She grasps the handlebars with as serious a face a five year old can make and starts to pedal slowly, wobbling a bit. Grasping her seat, I jog next to her as she picks up momentum, and soon, she’s pedaling perfectly on two wheels.

‘You’re doing it!’ I yell, as I slow down and let her go ahead of me on her own so I can watch her.

She turns her head to look for me, turning the front tire sharply, and she goes down right in front of the neighbor’s house, arms and legs sprawling on the pavement.

‘Shit,’ I mutter under my breath, running to her. ‘Are you okay?’ I ask her, helping her stand up.

‘You made me fall,’ she says tearfully. ‘I was looking for you and I fell. You promised to stay with me.’

‘You’re right. I just wanted to see you do it all by yourself. And you did it. You don’t need me to hold you up, right?’ I pick up the bike, glad to see it’s not broke, but her knee is bleeding and her palm is all scraped up. Ember’s going to kill me.

She glares at me and shakes her head, the helmet twisting crookedly on her head.

‘It’s better when you hold me up.’

I take her small hand in mine. ‘Maybe for now you’re right. Let’s go back to the house and fix up your knee, okay?’

‘Okay. I won’t tell Mommy you let me fall.’

I don’t know why, but those little innocent words slice through my heart. I’ve never let her get hurt before. And no matter what, I’m never going to let it happen again.

Tristan is standing over me in my work area as I’m kneeling in front of this old Indian bike that I feel like I’m never going to finish. Finding parts for this bike has been nearly impossible and has put me way behind with my schedule.

‘Speak or go away. I’m busy.’ I say, grabbing a wrench.

‘I need a week off.’

‘Need or want?’

‘Does it fuckin’ matter? What’s up your ass lately?’

I stand, grab a rag to wipe my hands off on, and turn to face my little brother. Even though he’s twenty-four, he’ll always be my little brother in my eyes.

‘A week off is a long time. I’ll have to rearrange some work since you’re the only one who does what you do here. When do you need it?’

‘In about two weeks.’

Two weeks doesn’t give me much time to move things around for the custom paint jobs we have booked, but Tris hardly ever asks for time off so I really can’t complain.

Sighing, I nod. ‘Okay, then. We’ll work it out. Can I ask where you’re going?’

He shoves his hands into the front pockets of his faded jeans and looks down, his dirty blond hair falling down into his face.

‘I’m meeting with a local service dog rep to go through the screening process for a therapy dog.’

My attitude instantly diminishes. Mom and I have been after him for years to look into a therapy dog to help him with the seizures he suffers.

‘Tris, that’s great. Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘I don’t know,’ he shrugs. ‘It’s just taken me a while to accept it, I guess.’

‘It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.’

He’s always tried to hide the fact that he has seizures, like he thinks there’s something wrong with him. It’s kept him from making friends and he’s never really dated anyone, at least as far as I know. He and Tyler have both become like hermits and that worries me a lot. I don’t want my brothers spending the rest of their lives alone. Like me.

‘Anyway, so now I have to meet with them in person, they do a home check, I meet with a few of the trainers, and then I get put on a waiting list for the right dog.’

‘Take all the time you need, then.’ I lightly squeeze his shoulder. ‘This is worth it, trust me. Do you need any money?’

‘Nah, they work on donations and I already made one.’

‘We’ll organize a ride to raise some money to donate to them, too. Does Mom know?’

‘Yeah, she’s the one that pushed me into it. A few of their service dogs are rescues so Mom has worked with them before.’

‘Good deal.’ I say, glad that he’s going through with this decision. ‘This is a good thing, Tris. If it can make your life a little safer, that’s all that matters. Right?’

He nods but still has that uncertain look in his grey eyes. ‘I hope so.’

‘Be positive. And hey, I wouldn’t admit this normally but since I brought home that big white fluff monster, I’m not as lonely. It’s nice to have him and that cat waiting for me when I get home after a long day.’

Laughing, he shakes his head, turns and walks away. ‘I’m starting to worry about us, man.’ He jokes, turning his head. ‘We need to find us some chicks.’

Speaking of chicks, it’s been almost a week since I saw Kenzi at the bonfire, and my emotions are still all over the place from that night. The way her eyes were glued to me, glowing with a mix of love and lust as I played the guitar did way more than just turn me on like mad. It made me itch to start playing again. Every night since then I’ve dragged my guitar out of the closet and sat in my back yard brushing up on my old favorite songs and toying around with some new ones.

I miss my dreams.

I can still feel her lips on mine, in that daring moment when she kissed me all on her own and almost made me tear her clothes off in Asher’s laundry room while he was probably twenty feet away eating her birthday cake.

I feel sick.

I feel tortured.

I feel unhinged with want for her.

I feel a deep ache in my heart that only she can soothe.

I feel like I’m stabbing a dagger straight through my best friend’s back.

The scales are tipping, though, and it’s scaring the shit out of me.

I pull my phone out of my back pocket and type out a quick text, my stomach immediately knotting up.

Me: I’m taking tomorrow off and going for a ride.

Kenzi: Um ok? Thanks for the update? Shall I expect further notice?

I laugh at the screen, loving her little snarky attitude.

Me: Be outside at 8am. Jeans, boots, and your helmet.

Kenzi: I’m going too?! 🙂

Me: If you want to…

Kenzi: Of course I do!

Me: Good.

Kenzi: Woot! I haven’t been on your bike in years!

Me: Because that seat on my bike has been reserved.

Kenzi: For who?

Me: The woman of my dreams 😉

Kenzi: Eep

Me: Wtf is that?

Kenzi: It’s like wow.

Me: Speak English. I’m old, remember?

Kenzi: You are not. You’re so cute.

Me: Please don’t call me cute.

Kenzi: But you so are!

Me: I’ll see you in the morning, Angel.

Kenzi: I can’t wait! <3

No one’s ever sent me a heart in a text message before. I touch it lightly with my finger, the knot in my stomach fraying and unraveling with threads of hope. Her love and excitement is contagious, and I honestly don’t want a cure. I want to die of this sickness, if I can. Nothing and no one has ever made me feel as happy and content as she does. Not even playing or riding has been able to reach far enough into me to pull me out of the bitter state of mind that I’ve been dwelling in for years.

But she has. Without even trying.

And the moment I try to relax into this new feeling of contentment, the ugly monster of the situation rears its head again, sinks its claws into my heart, trying to tear it away from her, laughing at me for being naive enough to think spending a day with her would be okay.

She comes out of the house when she hears my bike pull into the driveway looking all sorts of cute and sexy in jeans, a black long-sleeved shirt with a big yellow smiley face on the front, her hair in a long braid with a little skull clip at the end. And those damn black leather boots that for some crazy reason always seem to turn me on. I’m starting to think maybe I have a foot or shoe fetish I never realized before. I quickly shove the thought to the back of my mind to be dealt with later. I want today to just be a day for us to spend time together alone, to see how it feels to just spend a day with her with no labels on us. I don’t want to think about our past or the future or Ash or anything else except just us.

She approaches me with a big smile and kisses my cheek.

‘You’re on time. I’m impressed.’ She says, pulling her helmet over her head. I don’t wear a helmet but there’s no way I’m letting her go without one.

‘Hop on.’ I nod to the small seat behind me and she grabs onto my shoulder as she climbs on and sets her feet on the pegs.

‘A few rules,’ I say, turning towards her. ‘I don’t want you falling off so keep your hands on me.’

‘That won’t be a problem.’ She replies with a playful tone, wrapping her arms around my waist.

I stifle a laugh. ‘Behave yourself. Being on the bike is serious. This isn’t a big two wheeled vibrator. Pay attention and move your body with mine, okay?’

Her arms tighten around my waist. ‘Seriously Tor, you just said vibrator and told me to move my body with yours while I’ve got my legs and arms wrapped all up around your amazing bod. I’ll do my best to behave given all those circumstances.’

I lean back against her and lay my hand on hers clasped over my stomach. Having her so close, with her perfume enveloping me and feeling the warmth of her thighs pressed against my legs, is making my blood rush through my veins like liquid fire. I thought a ride in the mountains would be safe territory but now it’s turned into a subtle act of foreplay.

Am I complaining? Hell, no.

‘Well, when you put it like that, Angel, enjoy the ride.’ I tease back, starting up the bike before she can throw more fuel onto the flames. I’m not used to riding with a woman or feeling anything but the rush of air in my face. It figures she would be the first to turn this all around for me.

And again, I’m not complaining one bit.

I’ve ridden these roads for almost my entire life. First, on the back of my old man’s bike when I was a little kid, and then on my own when I was old enough to ride alone. Today I take it slower than I normally do, and Kenzi keeps her arms around me, loosening up her embrace just a little as she starts to feel more comfortable. I’m not sure when the last time she was on the back of Asher’s bike, but I’m guessing it’s probably been over two years.

When we get further up the mountains, I pull over onto a small area for parking and kill the engine, motioning for her to hop off before I put the kickstand down. She gives me a squeeze before she gets off and takes her helmet off while I take a bottle of water out of my saddle bag.

‘You having fun?’ I ask her, taking the helmet from her hand and resting it on the back of my bike.

She nods, her eyes dancing with the same happiness I’m feeling. ‘I really am. It’s beautiful up here.’

‘It is.’ I reach for her hand and she immediately slides hers into mine like we’ve been together forever.

And maybe we have.

We walk a ways into the woods, following the beaten trail to where there are groups of small waterfalls running down the mountain. The air is cooler up here than it was down in our town, and it makes me want to pull her closer to me and put my arm around her. As if reading my mind, she looks up at me and leans her head against my arm.

‘I’m glad you asked me to come.’ She says softly.

‘Me, too. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while.’

When we reach the first waterfall that pours over the cliff, we sit next to each other on a huge rock nestled into the side of the mountain with large tree roots twisting around it. I’m glad no one else is here today. Most times when I come up here there’s other riders or couples here, and sometimes kids running around making a lot of noise.

‘You glad to be back home?’ I ask.

‘Yeah, I always get a little homesick, even though I love being with Aunt Katherine. She asked me to come back and stay there. Like permanently…to live there and work with her.’

A flash of hot pain seers through my gut and up into my chest. ‘Is that what you want to do?’ I ask, trying to keep my voice even.

She runs her finger along a soft patch of moss on the rock. ‘It’s tempting. I like being there and meeting the new guests is always pretty cool. And she would teach me how to cook more meals so I can be more helpful,’ she raises her eyes to mine. ‘But I also was looking forward to working with you at the shop like we talked about and volunteering with your mom at the shelter and helping you with the rescues.’

‘I’m sure there’s an animal shelter near Katherine’s where you could volunteer.’

‘Yeah…that’s true but you and your mom are like family, so it means more to me. Before I left for Maine, your mom and I were talking about things we could do to raise more awareness about the shelter and rescue, and how we can help people more who have lost their pets like printing lost posters for them. If we had a high speed laser printer we could print off a few hundred lost notices in just a few minutes and start hanging them around town right away. For most people, it takes them days to print those things and they only print like twenty. I wanted to buy the printer and donate it,’ her thin shoulders shrug shyly. ‘I don’t know, I was just thinking of ways to help. It makes me feel good.’

I try to speak but I can’t because I’m too busy fighting the urge to kiss her again. She’s so damn perfect for me. And maybe I made her that way by spending too much time with her over the years. I meshed her into every part of my life, and now she’s grown into someone who cares as much about the things that are important to me as I do. Sydni never invested herself into the pet rescue with me and often rolled her eyes when I talked about it. And she definitely wouldn’t be caught dead at my mom’s shelter bathing dogs or walking around town hanging posters of lost pets. It always bothered me to not have someone who would be involved in that part of my life with me. Especially after growing up with two parents who were so dedicated to their mission that they built their entire lives around it.

Kenzi continues to talk, completely clueless to the fact that she’s crawling even deeper into my heart and making me want to run home, dump my jar of change onto the floor and stick a monstrous ring on her finger. My head starts to feel dizzy and I gulp my water, hoping it will wash away the fucked-up thoughts and feelings I’m having.

‘And I was thinking it would be nice to maybe have some sort of grief counseling available for the people who have a missing pet that we find out has passed away while it was missing. Like that poor lady whose dog got run over. Remember how devastated she was?’ She blinks back a tear. ‘When Snuggles died it, took me days to stop crying. I can’t imagine what those people feel like that lose their pets so suddenly and tragically, ya know?’

I nod and drink more water.

I will not think about proposing to an eighteen-year-old girl.

‘What? Is it all stupid?’ She asks.

‘God, no.’

‘Then why aren’t you saying anything?’

‘You just sorta amaze me sometimes, that’s all. I love how your mind works.’ I put my water bottle on the rock next to me again.

‘So you like my ideas?’

‘No, I love your ideas. So will my mom.’

She beams. ‘Really? I was going to talk to her next week.’

‘Seriously, she’ll love all of it, Kenz. I’ll even split the cost of the printer with you, how’s that sound? It’s a wicked cool idea for us to do that to help people. The faster the posters go up, the better chance they have of finding the dog.’

She nods with excitement. ‘I like being able to do something that makes a difference, ya know? It makes me feel important and like I’m doing something that actually matters. I don’t want to be the rich rock stars kid that does nothing. I want to help.’

‘Yeah. It’s kind of an addicting feeling.’

‘It really is. And what about me working at the shop? Do you still want me to when Gretchen leaves?’

Yes, I want you with me every moment of every day of every year.

‘I do but I have to admit, I think working at the Inn is way more glamorous and will give you more of a future. Why would you want to work in a dirty bike shop answering phones and doing mundane shit all day?’

‘Because then I can be close to you. And it’s your family’s business. It’s not just a random job to me. It means just as much to me as the Inn.’

I nod slowly and listen to the rush of the water that’s barely drowning out the screams in my own head. She’s doing everything she can to be part of my life, and I can either let her or I can put a stop to it. I can end this all now and watch her run back to Maine. I know she’ll be okay. She’ll forget about me eventually and will meet someone her own age, and I’ll move on and find someone who isn’t her and we’ll both be fine. Things will go back to how they were before.

Right. Keep telling yourself that and maybe you’ll believe it.

‘Let’s think about it,’ I finally say. ‘I want you to do what’s best for you, and not do things just so you can be near me. No matter what you choose, we’ll still see each other. Maine is a nice, easy ride. I can visit you whenever we want to spend time together. You don’t have to get involved in all my stuff just to see me.’

‘I know that, but I want to be involved in your ‘stuff’. And not just to see you. It’s more than that. I wouldn’t get involved with the shelter and work at your shop just to stalk you, Tor. I’m not that crazy.’

Chuckling at her stalker comment, I grab her hand and thread our fingers together. ‘I know you’re not. I just want what’s best for you. That’s all.’

‘I want what’s best for you, too. I want you to be happy.’

That statement throws me. ‘You don’t think I’m happy?’

She tilts her head and quirks the corner of her mouth as she thinks about that. ‘Honestly? Not really. I don’t think you are. I watch you a lot, like at the bonfires, and I hardly ever see you smile. You’ve always kinda have this dark broodiness about you.’

‘Dark broodiness?’ I repeat, slightly offended. ‘Get outta here. You’ve been reading too many of your grandmother’s romance books.’

She smacks my shoulder playfully. ‘Don’t make fun of me. I’m being serious.’

‘Then don’t call me dark and broody. Fuck. At least give me some better words.’

‘Hmmm…’ she studies my face, seriously trying to come up with words to describe me. ‘Okay, I’m gonna go with tortured and romantic.’ She says triumphantly.

‘Wow…’ I look away from her, not really wanting her to see that she’s so right that it hurts.

‘What? You don’t like those words either?’

‘I think you’re pretty spot on. As usual.’ I keep my eyes on a butterfly fluttering around by the waterfall. It reminds me of her, so beautiful and free, innocently playing so close to something that could suck her right into its depths and consume her.

‘How would you describe me?’ Shyness laces her voice, which is not something I hear in her often.

Taking a deep breath, I turn to face her. ‘There’s a million words I could use to describe you, Angel. We could be here for days. Weeks, even.’

She giggles. ‘Just pick two like I did.’

Damn. If I pick the wrong words I could hurt her feelings and I don’t want to ruin the good day we’re having. She watches my face with hopeful anticipation as I search my brain for exactly the right words.

‘Okay. I have three.’

‘I get a bonus word?’ She asks.

‘Yes, because you’re that special. So, I’m gonna go with enchanting, adorable, and loving.’

She breaks out into a huge smile. ‘Enchanting! I love that! I sound like a magical fairy!’

‘Something like that.’

Leaning closer to me, she kisses my shoulder, her mouth so close that I can smell the strawberry gloss on her lips and I want to taste it so bad my mouth is practically watering. She wore same stuff the day I kissed her on the couch. The taste stayed on my lips for hours afterward, tantalizing me long after she stormed out and slammed the door in my face. I ache to push her down on this rock and kiss her again right now but I’m fighting that hard. I wanted today to be a day of us spending time together alone and just enjoying each other without any sexual or emotional turmoil.

I was stupid to think that could happen, though, because I can’t be within twenty feet of her now without wanting to kiss every inch of what I glimpsed in her pictures. Or wanting to just stare into her eyes for hours on end and tell her how much I love her.

Now she’s looking out at the river in front of us with a faraway daze in her eye. A few strands of her golden hair have come out of her braid from the ride and are blowing lightly across her cheek. She looks beautiful.

‘It’s so pretty and peaceful here,’ she says dreamily. ‘Don’t you wish we could live here, up in the mountains in a little log cabin with the sound of the water around us?’

‘Yeah. I do.’

‘It might even be better than the little house with the porch and the picket fence.’ She adds.

‘They both sound great, Angel. And I have no doubt you’ll have one or the other. Or maybe even both someday.’

She turns to me. ‘It would only be great if you lived in them with me.’

I try not to fall off the ledge we’re sitting on. I hate that she has the ability to completely rock me with just words.

‘You’re only eighteen, Kenz. You’ve got lots of time to think about where you want to live and who you think you want to live with, trust me.’

She lets out a short huff. ‘You’re never going to think of me as an adult, are you?’ She accuses, trying to pull her hand out of mine. I hold onto her, not letting her go.

‘That’s not true, Kenzi. I do see you as a beautiful, mature, sensual woman. But I also see the little girl I watched grow up, and sometimes it’s hard for me to not see her when I look at you. It’s hard for me to let her go. You have to cut me a little slack and try to understand that.’

She nods and chews her lip. ‘I’m sorry. I know this is harder for you than it is for me in a lot of ways. I guess I’m a little bit of a brat; I just want to be with you and forget everything else. So that probably is my immaturity showing.’

‘I wouldn’t say it’s immaturity. I mean, how can you help yourself when I’m so fuckin’ insanely irresistible, right?’ I joke, trying to lighten up the mood.

Her mouth falls open and she starts to laugh. ‘Look at you, all in love with yourself.’ She teases. ‘It’s true though. There’s definitely something about you, Tor. Every girl I know drools over you.’

I lift our hands up and press my lips against her knuckles, holding her hand there. ‘I really only care what you think. They don’t see me like this. Only you do.’

Her hand starts to tremble with nervousness in mine, and I wonder if things ever went further with us if she would be a shaking bundle of nerves. I have to admit, a part of me likes that I make her so shaky. It makes me want to make love to her until she explodes and then calms in my arms. I want to watch and feel that transition something fierce.

‘Can I ask you something personal?’ She asks.

‘Sure.’ I kiss her hand again and wait for the shaking. One…two…shaking starts. My cock hardens like a rock in my jeans wondering where else she’s quivering.

‘You’re not like this with anyone else? This sweet?’

‘No. Not like I am with you. Not even close.’

‘I’m glad,’ she says. ‘I know I’m being a brat again, but I want that part of you all to myself.’

‘Well, you got it.’

Her eyes settle on my mouth as it rests against her hand, and she licks her lips, wanting me to kiss her. I can feel it emanating from her like white heat.

I fight the temptation. ‘Just so you know…I’m not seeing anyone else. And I haven’t been physical with anyone in a long time. I don’t want you feeling like some side toy for me.’

Her gaze shifts up to lock with mine as she absorbs my words, and I watch the way the color of them changes in the sunlight from light green to a deep forest green.

‘Are we seeing each other?’ She asks, her voice wavering.

‘I think we’re way beyond seeing each other in a lot of ways, Kenzi.’

‘What are we, then?’ I can barely hear her over the sound of the water, and I almost wish I hadn’t. I don’t know the answer to that question, and that’s what’s been shredding up my insides for months.

‘I’m trying to figure that out, love.’ I answer quietly.

That seems to satisfy her for now as she nods slowly and then looks back out at the water, but I feel like I have to say more.

‘The thing is…I’m afraid of how much I want you. And need you. I want a lot, Kenzi. And with you, I think it’s going to be way beyond anything I’ve ever felt before.’

‘Is that bad?’

‘I honestly don’t know. But I do know I’m looking for my last relationship, and you haven’t even had a first yet.’

‘I already told you I want you to be my first and last everything, Tor,’ she says softly. ‘I meant it.’

‘I know that, and I want to believe it. You have no idea how much I want to.’

She sighs, the tiny vein in her temple throbbing in frustration over my doubts, but I can’t lie to her. I’m not at a stage in my life where I want to go through a fling or deal with indecision several months down the road.

‘Did you bring our pennies?’ She questions.

I grin and let go of her hand reluctantly to dig into my front pocket, taking out the two coins I brought with me. ‘Of course I did.’

‘Can we do something different this time?’

‘Okay…’

She takes one of the pennies from me. ‘Let’s wish for the same thing at the same time. Then hopefully it will come true.’ Her eyes glimmer with hope just like they did when she was a little girl and would talk about exciting things that she couldn’t wait to see or do. One of the things I’ve always loved most about her is her never-ending hope and positive outlook that she inherited from her father.

‘I like that idea. What are we going to wish for?’

‘To live happily ever after. Together.’

A hard lump forms in my throat at the realization that there isn’t anything in this universe – wishes or otherwise – that’s going to allow that dream to come true. I’m most likely going to be the first guy to break her precious heart, even though that’s the last thing I ever want to do. Maybe this was my role all along…to be the one to make her feel everything for the first time, both good and bad. Maybe I’m supposed to guide her through life and do my best to lessen all the blows for her. Maybe I’m her safety net.

‘We’re not a fairytale, Kenzi.’

Her hand clenches around the penny defiantly. ‘We can be, Tor. You just have to believe in it enough.’

‘Real life doesn’t work that way. I wish it did, believe me. I want that more than I’ve ever fuckin’ wanted anything.’

‘Then just do it,’ she begs. ‘For me?’

Of course. I’d do anything for her. So I agree.

We tossed our two tarnished pennies into the water while we stood on the edge of the river, holding onto each other’s hands for dear life and wished (make that begged) to live happily ever after. Together.

I didn’t realize when we first sat down that this is the exact place where her own parents’ fairytale ended, or I never would have brought their daughter here. I would have kept walking further up the mountain if I had realized it sooner.