Torn: Chapter 24

I stroll into Asher’s parents’ kitchen and set my guitar off to the side before I join Ash, Ember, and the baby at the table where they’re eating lunch.

‘Tor!’ Kenzi shrieks from her high chair, pointing at me with an excited smile.

‘Holy shit, did she just say your name?’ Asher asks.

Ember shakes her head and wipes the baby’s face. ‘No.’ She says. ‘Your name is not going to be my daughter’s first word. She said door.’

‘Pretty sure she said Tor.’ I say, grabbing Kenzi’s little chubby hand that’s reaching out for me.

‘Tor!’ She yells again, kicking her legs and giggling.

Asher leans back in his chair and shakes his head. ‘She’s definitely saying Tor, hon.’

Ember lifts the baby out of her chair and sits her on her lap. ‘Great.’ She says, glaring at me, but with a playful smile on her face. ‘That’s because you spoil her, Toren. And your name is easy for her to say.’

Kenzi’s green eyes lock onto mine and I wink at her. Anyone who can make me smile like she does deserves to be spoiled. And I can’t lie, knowing her very first word is my name is the coolest thing that’s ever happened to me.

His kisses are so soft and tender as our breathing slows back to normal that it almost makes me fall apart from emotional overload. He leans up on his arms to stare down at me, gently pushing my hair away from my face. His eyes are darker than I’ve ever seen them, scanning mine like I’m ancient hieroglyphics he’s trying to decipher.

‘Are you okay?’ He asks after a few long moments.

‘Yes.’ I’m really not sure if I’m okay or not. I feel lightheaded and my body is humming and quivering beneath his. He’s still inside me, my insides contracting involuntarily around him. Everything happened so fast. I spent the entire night last night mentally coaching myself to get my shit together and act like a woman with him today. To be sexually assertive and confident. But all the erotica books I’ve read and the short soft porn movies I was able to view on the internet hadn’t prepared me for how it would all actually feel to have him on top of me, so huge and muscular, or how long and hard he would feel thrusting inside me, spreading and tearing me open to take him. I didn’t know an orgasm could feel so amazing, or that feeling him shudder and come would make me feel like the entire world just stopped and only we existed, as one continuously joined, unbreakable heart.

And nothing could have prepared me for the torrid expression and emotion I’m seeing in his eyes right now.

‘I love you.’ There’s a faint vulnerability in his voice, unlike any other time he’s said those words to me. This is no longer friend or you’re-almost-family to me love. No. This is heart-pounding, you-have-the-power-to-gut-me, I-can’t-get-enough-of-you romantic love. I feel it, too.

Reaching up, I push a lock of his hair behind his ear and touch his cheek.

‘I love you, too.’

He slowly eases out of me, causing a tiny bit of pain, and moves to sit on the end of the bed with his back to me, running his hands through his long hair. I feel wet and sticky and unsure of what comes next, so I sit up and crawl closer to him, lightly touching his back.

‘Tor?’

He nods and turns slightly towards me. ‘I just need a minute, Angel.’ His voice is low and the anguish radiating off of him is palpable.

‘Okay…’ I reply. I want to hug him and tell him everything is perfect. That I’ve never been happier. That this was meant to be. That I’m so in love with him that I can’t even put it into words. But I know that won’t fix whatever he’s feeling right now, and guilt eats at me. I led him down this path today. I hadn’t expected it to end up here in his bed, though. I thought we’d kiss and make out on the couch, maybe take our shirts off and touch each other. I didn’t know I’d unleash a sexual animal in him that wouldn’t stop until it had its fill. I don’t regret that we made love, but I do regret that what we just did could be tearing him up inside. I want him to be happy, not tormented.

‘Can I take a shower?’ I ask, respecting his need for a little space. ‘I feel a kind of sweaty and sticky.’

‘Of course, Angel. You can use my shower. I’ll wait here for you.’ He reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze, then picks my clothes up off the floor where he threw them and hands them to me, his hands shaking. ‘I think your shirt is in the kitchen.’ He stands and walks over to his dresser and comes back with one of his t-shirts for me to wear. I try not to stare at his body as he stands there completely naked, but it’s hard not to look when he’s all muscles and ink and so damn beautiful.

‘Thanks. I won’t be long.’

‘Take as long as you need. I’m not going anywhere.’ He pulls me to him and kisses my lips before I disappear into his private bathroom, which I’ve actually never used before today. I’ve always used the bathroom and shower in the main hallway of the house. It feels intimate being alone in his bathroom, using his soap and shampoo, but I like it because it all smells like him. The warm shower water feels soothing, and I briefly wonder if I’m supposed to somehow clean my insides since he came inside me or if it just comes out on its own or stays there or what. I feel clueless and stupid. Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about things like this? Did I space out in sex ed and miss the parts that covered all this? I know I can ask Tor anything but that seems like plastering a big I HAVE ZERO EXPERIENCE across my forehead. And even though he knows I’m a virgin (or was until a few minutes ago), I don’t feel like I should make it even more obvious. I’m going to have to talk to Chloe or Rayne about this sex stuff. I can just tell them I’m curious or dating someone they don’t know and hope they don’t grill me for too many details.

Oh God. I’m going to have to keep a huge part of my life a secret from my friends and family. For how long?

I rinse the conditioner out of my hair and turn the water off. I can’t think about all of that right now and let my mind start racing out of control with questions and worries. My mom always told me to take things day-by-day and step-by-step and not worry about things until it was the right time to worry about it.

But when is the right time? How will I know?

That familiar stab slices through my chest at memories of my mom. I wish she was here so badly. I know I could tell her the truth about Tor and she would understand without judging us or making us feel like we were partaking in some evil act. She’d answer all my questions, calm my fears, and give me hope that it would all be okay. She’d talk to my dad and get him to accept us as a couple. She’d work her magic and make it better for all of us. Everything would be different.

After I towel off and dress, I open the bathroom door to see Tor still sitting on the bed, only now he’s wearing jeans rather than sitting there completely naked. He’s made the bed and put our shoes neatly next to the door. He still appears to be deep in thought and I’m worried he’s going to tell me we have to forget this ever happened between us, like he did the first time we kissed.

‘Come here, beautiful.’ He says, patting the spot next to him, and when I do, he turns to me, holds my face in his hands and gives me a long, deep kiss that shakes me right down to my toes.

‘I wasn’t planning on this today, Kenz.’ He says when he pulls away. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Sorry? Why?’

‘It’s just not how I wanted it to happen. I would have been slower, more gentle. Made it more special for you.’

‘Tor…every moment was perfect. I wouldn’t change anything.’

‘Well, I fuckin’ would. Your first time should have been special, and probably not with me.’

Tears immediately spring to my eyes, something that seems to be becoming a habit for me. ‘Don’t say that. I only want it to ever be you.’ I say, sniffling. ‘I don’t care about slow and gentle. I care about you just being you and not holding back or hiding your feelings. You made me feel loved and wanted.’

‘You are. More than you know.’

‘Was it disappointing for you?’ I hate when my mouth takes on a life of its own and asks questions that I really don’t want to hear the answer to.

‘What? Are you crazy? I nearly lost my mind. You put me in a friggin’ frenzy. It’s taking every bit of self-control I have to not throw you back down on the bed right now and never take you back home. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get enough of you.’

Despite being newly raw and torn, my core responds to his words by quivering and my pulse picks up speed. I want him to touch me again. I want to feel him everywhere and get lost in that indescribable euphoria of him again. I lay my hand on his leg, my fingers reaching for his muscular thigh. ‘You can do that.’

He breaks out into a wide grin that makes my heart swoon. ‘Don’t tempt me, please. You’re going to be sore.’

‘I don’t care if it hurts.’

‘I do.’

‘So…we’re going to do it again? Someday?’ I ask shyly.

He lets out a long sigh. ‘Kenzi…we need to think for a few days, okay? If we do this…try to be together…it’s not going to be easy. It’ll be messy as fuck.’

‘I know. But if we both want it, we’ll find a way to make it work, right? Isn’t that what people do?’

‘Yes…but there’s just a lot involved we have to think about. No matter what, Kenzi…I don’t want you to get hurt or start your life in the middle of a secret affair. You know I want better than that for you.’

‘You’re what’s best for me.

He chuckles sarcastically ‘You’re the only one that will think that.’

‘Isn’t that all that matters?’ I shoot back at him.

He covers my hand on his leg with his. ‘I wish. But your father is my best friend, Kenzi. I love him just as much as I love you. I’ve known your entire family since I was seven years old. They matter to me. You matter to them. What my own family will think matters to me. How people might treat you matters to me.’ Any trace of a smile fades from his face, replaced with overwhelming worry. ‘My head is fucking spinning.’

‘So what do we do?’ It all sounds so grim when he lists it out like that.

He touches my chin and tilts my face up to his, kissing my lips softly. ‘First, I tell you I’m fucking crazy in love with everything about you,’ he kisses the tip of my nose. ‘Second, we both need to put some serious thought into this before we take any more steps. And I hate to do this to you, but I need you to not tell anyone about this until we have our heads straight about what we’re going to do. If and when Asher finds out about us, it has to come from us and no one else.’

‘I won’t tell anyone, Tor. I promise. I don’t ever want to hurt you or my father. That would kill me.’

‘That’s what I’m afraid of, Kenz. Of you getting hurt in the crossfire of this and being torn between me and your father.’

I cling to him and he puts his arms around me as the brevity of that sinks into me. Choosing between Tor and my father would devastate me. I love them both with every bit of my heart and soul and hurting either of them is unthinkable.

‘Please, Tor. We can’t let that happen.’

‘Shh…’ He cradles the back of my head and tightens his embrace around me. ‘I know, baby. Just let me think and I’ll find a way to make it work.’ His lips brush across my cheek. ‘For months I’ve wanted to have you in my arms like this…let’s just focus on us for tonight.’

‘I would love that.’ I whisper.

He props all his pillows up against the headboard, and leans back against them, pulling me on top of him so I’m laying between his legs, with my back against his chest, my head resting on his shoulder. He wraps his big arms around me and holds me against him, clasping my hands in his.

‘This is Heaven.’ He says with his lips against my ear.

‘It is. I want to stay just like this with you and never leave.’

His breathing changes, going from steady to deeper. ‘You have no fuckin’ idea what it does to me when you say things like that.’

‘Tell me.’ I tighten my hold on his hands, running my thumb along the black artwork on the back of his hand.

‘It makes me think I can have everything with you. It makes me think you’ll never break my heart.’

My own breath catches as a wave of emotion surges through me. This man, with his arms wrapped so tight around me and his heart pounding against my spine isn’t the man I grew up knowing. This is someone who’s been hiding in the shadows; deep, dark, and hopelessly romantic. There’s a mix of fear and hope in his words, all tangled up together in a cocktail of turmoil.

I twist my head towards him. ‘I’ll never hurt you, Tor. Ever. Haven’t I been promising my undying love to you since I was five? It hasn’t changed.’

‘Just don’t make promises you aren’t sure of. Please.’

‘I hope you don’t, either.’

He cups the side of my neck and turns my face towards his, his lips landing on mine.

‘I don’t want any broken promises between us.’ He says in a low voice, pulling me up onto him and turning me so I’m sitting on top of him, straddling his body. I respond by kissing him back with as much passion as I know how to do with my limited experience, hoping actions are louder than words. Our kisses start soft and slow but soon turn deeper, his tongue delving into my mouth while my hands grip his shoulders and his move slowly under my shirt to cup my breasts through my bra. It’s not long before he’s pulling my shirt off and I unclasp my bra and throw it off to the side of the bed, shocked at how easy and natural everything flows with him. Maybe because I’ve fantasized about being with him for so long, now that it’s happening it feels familiar to me. Or maybe it’s just chemistry between us.

‘Fuck, you’re so beautiful.’ He groans, kneading my breasts in his hands and burying his face between them, moving his lips from one to the other, sucking my nipples until I’m grinding against his erection, lost in his touch. I had no idea anything could make me feel so electrified. His hands move to undo my jeans while his mouth never stops ravishes my breasts, and I kneel up to wiggle out of my panties and jeans as he pushes his own pants down and kicks them off.

‘I don’t want to hurt you so we’re going to do something different,’ He says, his voice gravelly with lust. ‘But it’ll still feel good, I promise.’

‘Everything you do feels good,’ I whisper.

He flashes me a wicked sexy grin that makes my stomach go into spasms.

‘It’s only going to get better, love.’ He presses two fingers against my lips, gently pushing them into my mouth. ‘Suck on my fingers, baby.’

I’m surprised by his words but I do as he asks, sucking his fingers into my mouth and swirling my tongue around them, and his eyes go wide as he watches me. His cock twitches between us and I ache to feel him buried inside me again, spreading and stretching my body just for him. The pain and pleasure of it earlier made me feel erotically delirious, causing me to spread my legs wider and dig my nails into him, wanting him harder and deeper.

When he pulls his fingers out of my mouth, he reaches between us and rubs his wet fingers between my legs, smearing my saliva all over my lips. No one’s ever touched me there before him, and my body instantly reacts, quivering and flushing with warmth. Spreading my folds with his fingers, he gently pushes me down until I’m flush against him with his cock wedged between my lips.

‘Keep your legs spread and slide yourself back and forth over me,’ he coaxes, grabbing my hips and moving me so my sex glides from the base of him all the way up to the head, and then back again. And he’s right, even though he’s not inside me, rubbing along his hard length feels incredible.

Leaning back against the pillows, his gaze drifts up my body, not stopping until he reaches my eyes.

‘That feels so good…’ He groans softly, cupping my breasts in his hands again. ‘Don’t stop, just let yourself go and get off on me. I want to watch you come.’

‘Tor…’

Nervousness creeps up on me. Surely he’s not used to having to do things like this just to be with a woman. I’m afraid my age and inexperience is more glaring by the minute. He tears his eyes from where our bodies are joined and glances up at me again, his expression going from hungry with desire to sheer concern.

Grabbing the back of my neck, he gently pulls my head down and kisses my lips. ‘You’re perfect, Kenzi. Every single inch of you, inside and out. You’re turning me on like fuckin’ crazy.’ He kisses me again, always knowing exactly what I need to hear and feel, and I continue to ride along his shaft, arching my back to press my clit against him.

‘There ya go,’ He whispers, his fingers grazing over my nipple, sending more sparks throughout my body and down into my core. ‘Feel how hard I am for you? For months I’ve been hiding that from you but now I want you to feel every inch of what you do to me.’

God. All his walls are down and his voice is like black velvet; soft, smooth, dark, and seductive. It lulls me and fades my insecurities as I rub myself against him. His mouth and hands are everywhere with mind-blurring skill. Gripping my hips, caressing my breasts, his lips on my mouth one moment, and then licking the curve of my breast the next—he’s got every part of me craving him and I can’t get enough. Finally I can look at him without hiding the fact that I’m doing it, and now my eyes are glued to his broad shoulders, muscular chest, and defined abs as I move against the hardest part of him, mesmerized. His dark tousled hair falls to his shoulders and I can’t resist clutching it in my fingers. He’s truly every woman’s dream. I can barely grasp the fact this incredibly sexy grown man with rippling hard muscles, covered in tattoos that I’ve watched women literally drool over, and who also has a heart made of pure solid gold…wants me. Loves me. He could have anyone, and he waited for me.

He growls against my lips when I let the tip of his cock press against my wet entrance and I get my first taste of real sensual power. He wants me. Maybe even needs me.

Angling my hips just the right way, I lower myself down onto him and he inhales sharply, pulling me down hard on him, his cock plunging deep. A small cry sounds in my throat but again, the sensation of pain and want is intoxicating for me, intensifying when he whispers my name and shudders, losing himself in me completely just as I am with him.

I really can give him everything.

And that’s all I’ve ever wanted and wished for.