Torn: Chapter 32

‘Uncle Tor?’ She’s standing next to the couch, gently pulling on the sleeve of my shirt.

‘Yes, love?’

‘Can you read to me?’

I lower the volume on the movie I’m watching and turn to face her. She’s wearing her pajamas and holding onto an old book I used to read to her when she was little.

‘You know how to read, Kenzi. You don’t need me to read for you anymore.’

‘I know but I like to hear your voice when I fall asleep.’

That puts an instant smile on my face and now I want nothing more than to read to her. Smiling, I take the old worn book from her hands, which I have memorized from reading it to her so many times.

‘Well, I can’t argue with that, now can I?’ I reply, winking at her.

She shakes her head back and forth and smiles. ‘Nope.’

Tor’s been going a bit stir crazy in the house, so today I drove him to the beach so we could walk around and get some fresh air and sun. We hold hands and walk along the edge of the water with our shoes off and watch the seagulls.

‘I love having you at my house every day,’ he says, squeezing my hand. ‘Now I don’t want it to stop.’

My heart soars. I can’t even put into words how much I’ve enjoyed being with him every day. ‘I don’t want it to stop, either. I never want to leave.’

‘Someday, you won’t have to. That’s the goal, right? To live together?’ He glances down at me.

‘That’s definitely my goal. Can I start working at the shop when you go back?’

‘Of course. Are you sure that’s what you want to do?’

‘I’m positive.’

‘Then you can. Gretchen can spend a few days with you before she moves to train you on some things.’

‘That would be great.’

Something catches my eye along the water, and I let go of his hand to step forward to grab it. It’s an old glass bottle.

‘Damn I thought it was a message in the bottle,’ I say, frowning.

‘Nope. Just some asshole’s garbage.’

There are no trash barrels around, so I have to put the bottle back down in the sand.

‘I’m bummed. I’ve always wanted to find a message in a bottle.’

‘Isn’t it only worth it if it’s written for you?’ He asks, reaching for my hand again.

‘That’s so true. Even if I found one, I’m not sure I could open it and read it. It’s so invasive. But how fascinating would it be to just see one? I’m curious how the paper and ink would look. I wonder how the ink and paper would hold up after years of floating in the ocean, tossed around by storms, and then warmed by the sun over and over again.”

‘Only you would think of that, Angel. But…here’s some food for thought – how will you know if it’s for you or not, unless you open it?’ He teases, bumping my shoulder.

I gape at him in mock irritation. ‘Now that’s just mean and torturous.’

He gestures up towards an ice cream stand in the distance. ‘Let me buy you some ice cream and then I want to take you home and torture you in ways that are much more fun.’

My pulse speeds up as I go up on my toes to kiss his cheek and whisper in his ear. ‘Ice cream sounds yummy but I really want to lick you.’

He groans and puts his arms around my waist, pulling me into him. ‘You naughty thing. I may not make the drive home if you keep talking like that.’

As soon as we get inside his house he backs me up against the wall. His lips covering mine hungrily, and his hands moving slowly up my arms to rest on either side of my neck, holding my face to his as his tongue twists with mine.

‘My body’s not that sore anymore, baby,’ He says, his voice raspy from the kiss. ‘And it wants you in a bad fuckin’ way.’

‘I’m all yours,’ I whisper against his mouth, and slide my hand down his chiseled body to grope his cock through his jeans, squeezing gently. Any shyness I had about touching him has slowly faded over the past few weeks after taking care of him while he was recovering. Bathing and showering with him was the perfect opportunity for us to reach an even deeper level of intimacy, and I took advantage of it to be able to explore every inch of his amazing body.

He sucks in a breath and watches with dark lust-filled eyes as I slowly slide myself down the wall until I’m kneeling in front of him, holding his gaze as I slowly unzip his jeans and pull them down along with his boxers. His hard cock thrusts out, and I eagerly wrap my lips around the head and slide my mouth down his shaft, filling my mouth and throat with him. He leans one arm on the wall above me and his other hand cups the back of my neck, his thumb slowly rubbing over my cheek as I move my lips up and down the hot length of him.

‘I love when you suck me,’ The deep, breathiness of his voice sends tingles up and down my spine as he thrusts his salty crown against the back of my throat. I wrap my hand around him and grip his hot velvety flesh in unison with my mouth, sucking him harder as I pull my mouth to the tip and then plunge back down on him, quickening the pace as I feel him growing harder and throbbing against my tongue. His hand fists my hair and pulls my head back, forcing me to look up at him as he drives into my mouth and then stops with a deep moan, his hot liquid spurting down my throat. Swallowing, I stare up at him. He looks completely content and sated with his hair hanging down over his face, eyes closed, as he catches his breath, his hand caressing my cheek.

‘You just wrecked me,’ he finally says.

‘I hope that’s good?’ I slowly stand and lean back against the wall where he originally had me, and he leans down for a long, slow kiss that takes my breath away. His hands sink to my hips as he settles his body between my legs.

‘It’s beyond good,’ He sucks my bottom lip between his and gently bites. ‘Now I need more.’

We move to the bedroom where he makes love to me to the point of total exhaustion. After a nap, he sits up in bed shirtless and plays his acoustic guitar while I lay with my head on his thigh and listen in woozy bliss. He’s been playing a lot since the accident, and I love that it seems to be therapeutic for him now rather than a bitter pill he was forced to swallow years ago.

He plays the ballad he played a few weeks ago at the bonfire, and while he doesn’t sing, I know the lyrics by heart.

‘You wrote that song, right?’ I ask.

He nods. ‘I did. In high school. Asher tweaked it a little, of course.’

‘Is it about someone?’ Curiosity about the song has been on my mind for a while, and I want to hear the story behind it if there is one.

He chews the inside of his cheek and then looks down at me laying on his lap. ‘It sorta is. Or was at the time, I should say.’

‘Can you tell me who? It’s kinda sad.’

‘Do you really want to know, Kenz?’

A twitch of fear burns in my stomach, but I nod anyway. ‘Yes.’

His dark eyes settle on mine and he lets out a small sigh. ‘It was about your mother.’

I pick my head up off his leg and stare at him. ‘My mother?’ I repeat. ‘I don’t understand. Did you write it for my Dad?’

He lays the guitar on the floor next to the bed. ‘No. I wrote it for me.’

My mind starts to spin around with the rest of the lyrics of the song, about regrets, betrayal, and a love that never came to be.

I give my head a little shake. ‘I’m confused. You were with my mom?’ My voice has taken on a waver that I don’t like. I’ve just stepped into territory I had no idea I was walking into and now I wish I hadn’t.

‘No. Never. But I liked her first. She was new to town and it took me a long time to get up the guts to talk to her. At the time I thought she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. I know it’s hard to believe now but I was really shy when I was young.’

Swallowing hard, I touch his arm. ‘I never knew that.’

‘Yeah, I had asked her if I could walk her home, and we stopped at the park to get to know each other a little more, and I was just about to ask her out on a date when your dad showed up. The rest, as they say, is history.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘He just swooped in and I was instantly forgotten about. And that’s it. I went home and left them there, and they’ve been together ever since.’

A strange, sick feeling washes over me. I feel like I stepped in something wet and squishy while barefoot and have no idea what it is, and I’m afraid to look.

‘So you had, what? A crush on my mother?’

‘I guess so, yeah.’

‘How come you never told me this?’

‘What’s there to tell?’

‘A lot, Tor. It’s my mother for God’s sake.’

He sits up and frowns at me. ‘Why are you getting upset?’

‘Because it’s my mother. I feel weird. I had no idea you had a thing for her.’

‘Kenzi, I was fifteen years old. We were just kids.’

‘The lyrics are pretty deep. It seems like you liked her a lot.’

‘I did. She was pretty, and sweet, and she could sing. I had a hard time meeting girls I connected with. But I was no match for your dad. Even though we look alike, it stops there. I don’t have his irresistible charm.’

‘That’s not true. You’re just different.’

‘Trust me, I know,’ he says, his voice laced with bitterness.

I sit up and reach for my clothes, feeling very displaced suddenly. ‘So what about all the years you lived with us? You were with her all the time. Didn’t it bother you?’

‘A little at first, I guess, but I was happy for them. They were both my best friends.’

I stare at him as more memories flood my mind. ‘I remember when I was little there were times you would sleep on the bed with her. What about that?’ I never saw them touch, but it does seem odd to me now, that they would lay on a bed together.

‘She used to get really bad migraines from being on the pill. If your dad wasn’t home, she’d ask me to lay on the bed next to her when she felt sick. She hated to be alone. Your dad knew about it. Shit, I’ve slept in the same bed with him, too, Kenzi. You know how close we all were. We did everything together.’

‘Did anything ever…happen?’ I can barely even get the words out.

‘No,’ he shakes his head back and forth and reaches for my hand. ‘Never. I would never do that, I loved them both.’

‘But you were jealous that he got her?’

‘In the beginning, yeah. It bothered me. He could have had anyone and he took away the one girl I liked like it was nothing.’

I pull my hand away from his and rub my arms. ‘This is making me feel sick.’

His mouth falls into a worried frown. ‘Why? Kenzi, nothing ever happened. We were just kids. And then you came along and everything kinda just fell into place.’ The look of anguish on his face is tearing my heart apart, but I feel betrayed that he’s never told about this. We’ve talked about everything over the years, but never this.

‘What do you mean, fell into place?’

‘I don’t know. The moment I looked into your eyes, everything felt different to me. I felt like I finally had a purpose. To take care of you. You changed my entire life, Kenzi, and you’ve continued to do so. Being around you always made me feel at peace. I don’t know how else to explain it,’ He lays his hand on my leg as he struggles with trying to explain himself, his brow creasing. ‘But it’s always been there. It’s just gotten stronger as the years have gone by. Maybe I’m fucked up but I’ve kinda started to think of it as fate that brought us together, that it all happened for a reason and we ended up exactly where we’re supposed to be.’

Yes. That’s exactly how it’s always felt.

I smile in agreement. ‘I’ve always felt that way, too. Like you were mine. I just feel a little betrayed that you never told me you had feelings for my mom. Why would you never tell me about that?’

‘I just didn’t think it was important. We were fifteen.’ He repeats.

‘Am I like some kind of replacement for her? In your mind?’

His face contorts as if I’ve slapped him. ‘Fuck no. How can you even say that to me? What the hell, Kenzi. Do you not know me at all?’

Tears form in my eyes and I’m not even sure why this has hit me so hard. I feel jealous and somewhat shocked. I reach for my jeans on the floor and pull them on, zipping them up.

‘What about the hospital after the accident?” I ask. “You were there a lot. I saw you holding her hand all the time.’

‘Jesus Christ, Kenzi. She was one of my best friends. Why are you acting like this? Are you jealous?’

‘Yes. Okay? I do feel jealous and I don’t understand why you never told me about this. I’m worried maybe you’ve had feelings for her this entire time or something.’

‘That’s insane. I never told you because it happened a million years ago. Nothing ever happened, I never even kissed her.’

‘It’s more the feelings you had for her that bother me. The song, the lyrics-‘

He puts his hand up. ‘That’s a fucking song, Kenzi. With elaborations to make it better. I haven’t been pining for Ember for years if that’s what you’re thinking.’

‘I don’t know what to think. First Sydni is on your bed kissing you and now I find this out. It’s a lot, to me. Like ghosts are all around us.’

‘This is what I mean. I’m an adult, Kenzi. I have a past, and yes, that past includes a few women. I’m sorry that you don’t have a past with men, but if you did, you’d understand what I’m talking about. That shit is over and done. You know damn well that Sydni has crept back over the years, but I ended things with her permanently.’

I pull my pink t-shirt over my head and reach for my shoes. I suddenly just want to be alone. I’m not used to feeling jealousy at all and I hate that I am. I know in my heart that he would never lie to me, but I still can’t make the jealous stabs to my heart stop.

‘So now you’re going to throw my age in my face?’

‘No, I didn’t mean it like that you and you know it. I’m just pointing out that you don’t have any past relationships, and I do, and we can’t change that,’ He pushes the sheets off the lower half of his body. ‘And why are you getting dressed? Are you leaving? We have another hour we could be together.’

‘Yes. I just want to be alone for a little while.’

‘Why? We had a great day and you’re going to let this wreck it? You’re acting stupid.’

‘Well, thanks, Tor.’

He stands and comes around to where I’m sitting on the edge of the bed putting my shoes on. ‘I’m sorry. I just don’t know why you’re so upset. You know I love you and only want you. All that crap is in the past and it’s silly for you to even think about it.’

‘How did my mom feel about you over the years? Did you guys ever talk about feelings for each other?’

‘Never. We were strictly friends. We talked a lot, but never about anything inappropriate.’

I sigh and rub my forehead. ‘I’m sorry, Tor. I don’t know why this has me so upset, honestly, I don’t. I guess it was just unexpected, and finding out you wrote a song about it just sorta adds to it. Every time I hear that song now, I’m going to think about this.’

‘I can’t change that. Why can’t you look at it as a good thing? If I hadn’t been with Ember that day who knows if your parents would have hooked up and had you? And then I wouldn’t have you now.’

My shoulders drop. ‘I don’t know. It makes me feel weird thinking about you crushing on my mother. It feels twisted to me.’ I know I shouldn’t be this upset, and I think it might be because of the last thing I heard my mother say, the morning of the accident. I overhead her and my dad in the kitchen, and she said ‘Tor understands, why can’t you?’ and my father replied ‘Oh, here we go again with Tor.’ I have no idea what they were talking about, but now it’s got me wondering all sorts of things, like maybe she had feelings for him? Could that be possible? They weren’t fighting, because my parents never fought. They talked everything out. But she was definitely upset about something.

He puts his hands on my shoulders and forces me to look at him. ‘It’s not twisted. It was a stupid little crush that never amounted to a damn thing other than me walking her to a park. Everything feels like major drama at that age. I was jealous and pissed, sure. But that’s it. You are not any kind of replacement. I love you.’

‘And I love you, too. I think I just want to be alone for the rest of the night to sort out my head. It’s late anyway. You know I have to go home.’

He runs his hand through his rumpled bed hair, his eyes darting from me to the bed like he can’t understand how a little while ago we were making love and now we are here.

‘I can’t believe this is our first fight and it’s about something that happened when I was fifteen. Really, Kenzi?’

‘It has nothing to do with age, Tor. It’s that it was my mother.’

He throws his arms up in exasperation and then rubs the back of his neck. ‘I can’t believe this.’

‘I just don’t understand why you’ve never told me. You tell me everything. You always have. Why wouldn’t you tell me this? It’s like you were hiding it.’

‘I wasn’t hiding anything. I have no reason to.’

Going to him, I wrap my arms gently around his waist. ‘I’m sorry, Tor. Just let me go home and cool off. We’ll be fine in the morning, I promise. I just need to work it out in my head. I think it just surprised me.’

His arms encircle me tightly, and I know it must be hurting his ribs for him to be hugging me so hard. ‘There was never anything between us, Angel. I’ve been totally honest with you, like I always have.’ He lifts my chin with his finger and kisses me softly. ‘I would never lie to you, especially about your mom. I couldn’t disrespect her or you that way.’

‘I know,’ I whisper. ‘I’ll call you in the morning.’

Reluctantly, he loosens his hold on me. ‘Text me when you get home so I know you’re okay.’

‘I will.’

I’m acting like an idiot. This I know, but I still can’t seem to stop myself. Is it jealousy? Or just worry about what my parents were talking about that morning? Or maybe it’s like it’s always been – anything related to thinking about my mother tends to turn my head all around into a twisted mess because she’s not here to talk to. There is no closure. No answers. Just questions. It’s a bizarre feeling to have your parent here, but not. Maybe Aunt Katherine was right, and I should have been in therapy to deal with my confusion about my mother.

As I’m lost in my thoughts driving home in the dark, suddenly my Jeep starts to sputter, jerking me back into focusing on driving. A small light I’ve never seen before has suddenly lit up on my dashboard. Squinting at it, I realize it’s the gas light.

Shit.

I pull over to the side of the dark, woodsy road I’m on and the car dies. It just stops, and won’t start again.

This can’t be happening.

Driving to the beach and back today must have sucked up a lot of gas, and I didn’t notice when I was driving us home earlier that the light was on or that the gauge had gotten so low. My father has told me a hundred times to always make sure I have a full tank of gas, and somehow, I still forgot.

Grabbing my phone from the passenger seat, my heart sinks when I see that I have no service out here on this mountain road that I need to take to get home. There are a few houses on this road, but they are all set way back off the road, and I’m not about to go traipsing down someone’s dark driveway right to their house not knowing what kind of person could be living there. Realizing I’m going to have to walk until I reach the small town a few miles up the road to either get reception or find a phone, I dig the tiny flashlight out of the center console that my father had put there, and jump out of the car.

Okay, Kenzi. You know this road. There’s a full moon, so it’s not that dark. Just walk. And keep walking. And walk. Fast.

I’m doing okay as I chant this over and over in my head while I walk until a motorcycle roars up the road behind me, and pulls to a stop a few feet ahead of me. A chill runs down my spine as I realize it’s not Tor as I fleetingly hoped. I know the sound of his engine, the shape of his body, and the man in front of me isn’t him. And, besides all that, Tor’s bike is still in the shop.

I freeze, rooted to the side of the dark road, contemplating running back the other way. I never should have left Tor’s house in the middle of the night over a stupid fight. The rider turns sideways to me, a lit cigarette hanging from his lips, his long shaggy hair parted on the side and hiding half his scarred face. The night glasses are covering his eyes, but I know behind them are eyes the color of turquoise. Eyes that once belonged to the golden boy of this town. Captain of the football team. Star of the lacrosse team. Voted prom king and most likely to become a star. But not anymore. Tyler Grace is a psychotic maniac. A murderer. His gravelly voice breaks the night silence as we stare at each other.

‘If you run I’ll chase you. And I will catch you. Get on the fucking bike.’

In the distance to my right I can see a porch light on at a house through the woods, and I choose to bolt down their driveway rather than stand here on a dark road with someone that I have absolutely no idea if I can trust. The fact that he’s Tor’s brother doesn’t change what he’s done, what he could do, or that he’s been completely unhinged for years.

As I run down the dark dirt driveway, I hear him coming up behind me, his feet pounding on the dirt behind me.

Oh my God. He really is chasing me.

He tackles me from behind and we go down, with him snaking one arm around the front of me and using his other arm to brace our fall, we land on the dirt driveway with him laying on top of me. I gasp for air both from fear and getting the wind knocked out of me, and I’m petrified when he covers my mouth with his hand.

‘Don’t scream. Just breathe.’ He says against my ear, and eases up some of his weight off my back. His voice is so much like Tor’s, only darker and full of torment and hatred.

Slowly, he moves his rough hand across to my cheek.

‘Why the fuck did you run?’ He growls. ‘Did you really think I wasn’t going to chase you? Hunting things down and catching them is just way too much fun.’

‘Please don’t hurt me.’ I beg, gasping for breath as tears start streaming down my cheeks.

‘Of course that’s the first thing out of your fuckin’ mouth.’

‘Tyler…please.’

His finger continues to strokes across my cheek and it sends shivers of terror down my spine. ‘You’re the first woman to say my name in a very long time.’

‘Just let me go.’ I push back against him and kick my legs up, trying to throw him off me but he’s too big and muscular for me to even budge him.

‘No. You might want to stop squirming, though, ‘cuz I haven’t had a woman under me in a long time either.’

‘Please…’ My heart pounds in fear but I try to reel myself in so I can attempt to get some control over the situation. I already know he’s mentally damaged. But I also know that this is Tor’s brother, and somewhere in him must be the happy-go-lucky, caring, talented person that we once knew.

‘You know who I am, right, Ty?’ I ask, trying to keep my voice calm.

‘Yup. Little Kenzi Valentine all grown up.’ He rolls his hips against my ass and I suck in a shuddering breath, praying he doesn’t touch me anymore and hoping he’s just trying to scare me in some sick demented way.

‘I’m still close to Toren, he’s going to be mad if he finds out about this.’

He lets out a maniacal laugh. ‘I’m not afraid of Tor. Sorry.’

‘What do you want?’

‘I’ve been waiting to get you alone for awhile. You leave gifts for me. Why?’

I gulp some air. ‘I don’t know…to be nice. I thought it would make you smile.’

Another crazy hyena laugh erupts from him. ‘You think I need to smile?’

‘Yes.’ I reply simply, because I believe it.

‘You feel fuckin’ sorry for me?’

I shake my head, my cheek pressing into the dirt. ‘No. I don’t. I just think everyone deserves to have someone treat them nice.’

‘Even a monster like me?’

‘Even you.’

‘I didn’t take that girl,’ He says, his voice softening just a little. ‘And I didn’t hurt her.’

‘I know that.’ And I did know that. When Tyler was found with a local girl that had been kidnapped years ago, everyone in this small town assumed he was the one who had held her captive for all those years. He was found standing over the body of a man dressed in an oxford shirt, with dark slacks and loafers who appeared to be a nice, normal man, while the girl stood by and wept, not saying a word. And there was Tyler, with wild long dirty blonde hair, tattoos covering most of his body which were actually hiding scars from years before, wearing old dirty motorcycle boots, ripped up jeans and a faded t-shirt stretched over muscles that had just been used as a weapon to take the life of someone. But in fact, Ty was the hero who saved her; he killed her real captor with his bare hands after he attacked Ty for accidentally stumbling upon the kidnapped girl hidden in a hole deep in the woods. Sadly, the press had already had their field day with the story before they knew the facts, and Tyler was crucified, pushing him even further into seclusion.

Leaning down close to my face, he pushes my hair to the side, and presses his lips against the spot just behind my ear and whispers in an evil, suggestive tone.

‘It does make me smile.’

He lifts himself off my back and pulls me up so we’re both sitting in the dirt driveway.

‘You hurt?’ He asks.

I brush my clothes off and shake my head. ‘No, I’m fine.’

‘You shouldn’t have run. And you shouldn’t be out here in the fuckin’ dark, either. You got any brains in that pretty head of yours?’

‘My car died and my phone doesn’t work. I didn’t know what to do.’

‘Evil lurks in the dark, waiting for girls like you. I could have just raped the shit out of you. Or worse. Don’t think it didn’t fuckin’ cross my mind.’

I blink at him, frozen with fear. I’m alone in the dark with a lunatic who just admitted he thought about raping me.

‘You should’ve stayed in your car.’

‘You’re right.’ I peek over at him in the dark, grateful the moon is bright enough to throw off enough light for me to be able to see him and attempt to gauge his actions. ‘I thought you didn’t talk anymore.’ On television the victims try to make small talk to calm the psycho down, so maybe I should try that, too.

He turns to face me and I catch a hint of his blue eyes under the moonlight and the jagged scars that run down the side of his face. ‘I don’t.’

‘Then why are you talking to me?’

‘I guess I’m feelin’ fuckin’ chatty.’

He stands and tugs me up with him, pulling my arm so hard I’m afraid it will snap. ‘Now you’re going to get on the back of my fuckin’ bike like I asked and we’re going to get a container of gas. You think you can hold it without falling the hell off?’

I nod my head. ‘Yeah.’

‘Or if you really want to put a smile on my face, you could come home with me and let me slam you into my headboard for a few hours.’ He suggests, his eyes roving over my body in a way that makes me feel extremely vulnerable and dirty.

‘Ty…I’m in love with your brother.’

He nods and makes a clicking noise with his tongue. ‘Figures.’ He starts to walk back towards his bike. ‘Move your ass, Sugar. Consider this repayment for all the fuckin’ smiles.’

I finally get home at one a.m. and breathe a massive sigh of relief when I get into the sanction and safety of my own bedroom. This has been the strangest night of my life. While I’m glad that Tyler came along to help me get gas, the altercation with him was bizarre and frightening. I feel like I should tell Tor about it even though Tyler asked me (more like told me) not to. His elevator is definitely not going to the top floor and he probably needs to be on some meds if he isn’t already.

After changing out of my clothes and into yoga pants, I walk down the hallway to my father’s room. I’m glad to see he’s not home as I slip inside and go straight to my mother’s night table, which hasn’t been touched since the accident.

Opening the wooden door at the front, I grab the journal on the top of the stack of about ten handmade journals my father has made for my mom over the years that she religiously wrote in.

The leather journal has a lock and the key is around my dad’s neck, so I take it over to her jewelry armoire and use an earring hook to pick the tiny lock. I’m hoping there will be some clues in here as to what they were talking about the morning of the accident and if she had feelings for Tor that went beyond friendship. If she did, I have no idea how I’m going to deal with that but it’s definitely going to make me feel odd in a lot of ways.

‘What are you doing?’ His deep voice exploding into the silence makes me jump and I drop the journal. He crosses the room swiftly and picks it up before I have a chance to react. ‘You picked the lock? Jesus, Kenzi.’ He gently closes the journal and puts it back where it was in the night table, then turns to stare at me in disbelief.

‘I just wanted to read some of it.’ I say.

‘Those are private. I don’t even read those. You don’t think I want to? You don’t think maybe it would help me feel closer to her in so many ways? But I can’t, because it’s wrong. These aren’t our words to read, Kenzi. They’re hers.’

I stare up at him, feeling guilty because I know what he’s saying is true. ‘I don’t know how you do it, Dad. How do you keep your sanity with all of this?’

‘With lots of love and faith. That’s how. What are you hoping to find in these journals, Kenzi? Talk to me if something is on your mind.’

I shrug helplessly. ‘I don’t know. Lots of things I guess. I miss her, and I feel like I should have had more time to get to know her better. But if you really want to know, I was wondering about the conversation you two were having the morning of the accident.’

‘What conversation?’

‘Mom said that Tor understands and why can’t you? What did that mean?’

He sits on the bed with a distant look on his face, like he’s trying to rewind back to that day. I sit next to him and wait.

‘Mom wanted out of the band life,’ he finally says. ‘She wanted me out, too. She was tired of both of us traveling all the time, never having privacy or enough time with you, and she wanted to have another baby. I guess she and Tor had talked about it and he was supportive of it. And I get that. There’s been a lot of times when I wanted out of the band, too, but it’s hard to give up. It’s been my entire life. All my blood, sweat, and tears. I love the rush of the audience, of writing and singing new songs. You and your mom have always been more important to me, but leaving the band…it’s just such a hard thing to even think about. It would affect my brothers, and my cousins, too, since they’re in the band. I have to think about everyone involved, ya know? It’s not easy.’

‘I understand, Dad.’

‘That morning we were talking about it again. Sometimes your mom would mention that Tor was always so understanding, and he is. That’s just who he fuckin’ is and what we all love about him. But sometimes I got sick of hearing it. Nobody wants to hear that another guy understand his wife better than he does sometimes. That’s all it was.’

He grabs my mother’s pillow and holds it against his chest. ‘I’m sorry I yelled at you about the journal. It’s just private and I try to respect her personal things.’

I feel ashamed of myself for prying into her journal. ‘I’m sorry I tried to read them. I’ve just been moody and confused lately.’

‘I can take you to see her, Kenzi. Maybe if you just sit and talk to her, you’ll feel better. That’s what I do. There’s a good chance she can hear us, the doctor said so.’

My heart does the lurch and freeze like it does every time we talk about my mother. I don’t know if I can sit by her bed, hold her lifeless hand, and chatter on about my day while she lays in a bed, trapped in sleep. A few times I’ve tried but it doesn’t feel like she’s there, and it seems cruel to talk to her when she can’t respond. What if she can hear us and she wants to respond and she feels trapped and scared? What if she is really petrified, wherever she may be mentally? Or is there just nothing there anymore? These are the things that drive me insane and make me sick with worry. All I know for sure is I miss her smile and her amazing eyes that once held so much life and happiness.

‘I’ll think about it.’ I say.

‘Kenzi…what’s going on with you? You’ve been acting so off lately. You were totally preoccupied with Sydni being at the hospital with Tor, and you’ve been distant and distracted. Even the trip to Katherine’s was sudden. You never just do things like that, you always plan. You’re not flighty.’

I struggle for the right words. ‘I don’t know. I guess just basic life confusion after graduation.’ I offer weakly.

He shakes his head and turns his body to face mine. ‘I’m so good at reading everyone else in this family. I can feel what’s going on with all of them, like a deep intuition, if that makes any sense. It’s always been there. But with you….it’s so hard.’ He sighs and hugs the pillow tighter. ‘I know this will sound crazy, but since the accident, I dream about your mom, and she shows me things. Like things that are going on with people we love. Like the day Uncle Talon got married. I dreamt that your mom showed me his wife all alone, with no one to walk her down the aisle. That’s why I walked her.’ His eyes close and he leans his chin on the pillow. ‘I sound like a head case.’

‘No, Dad. You really don’t,’ I reply softly. ‘You sound like someone who has an amazing connection with their wife and the people they love.’

He studies my face some more. ‘Where were you tonight? It’s late. Actually, you’ve been coming home late almost every night. Chloe’s in New York, so where are you every night? Who are you with? I feel like I have no idea what you do anymore or who you spend time with, and I don’t like it. I don’t want to lose you, Kenzi.’

Swallowing hard, I refuse to lie right to his face. I can’t. ‘I was at Tor’s. Watching movies.’

His stare deepens and his expression changes to one I’ve never seen before. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his cell phone.

‘That’s funny. I sent a text to Tor earlier asking if he wanted to grab a drink and he wrote back that he was spending the night with a chick. Did his plans change?’

My heart goes into ballistic overdrive. ‘Oh. I’m not sure.’ I stand up and my legs wobble with shaky nervousness. ‘I’m going to go to bed. It’s late.’

‘Is something going on?’ He asks, with a touch of suspicion in his voice.

‘No, Daddy. I’m just tired.’

He follows me down the hall to my bedroom and my panic escalates with each step. His radar is tuned directly at me and that is definitely not a good sign.

‘Why are you hovering?’ I ask him. ‘I just want to go to sleep.’ My cell phone beeps from where it’s laying on my bed and his eyes immediately go to it. I reach for it but he grabs it from my hand.

‘Dad-‘

His jaw clenches and his eyes go wide as he stares at the screen.

‘What. The. Fuck.’ He says with agonizing slowness, his gaze shifting to mine. ‘Is something going on with you and Tor?’ He asks in disbelief.

I snatch the phone away from him and quickly read the screen.

Tor: I love you, Angel. I can’t stand the way you left tonight. Please call me. Any time tonight, I don’t care. I just want to hear your voice.

‘Dad…he always says he loves me.’ I try to brush it off casually and roll my eyes a little for added effort but his eyes take on a dark anger that tells me he’s not going to let this go.

‘No,’ he says, shaking his head. ‘This is different. What the hell is going on? Why is he texting you at almost two in the goddamn morning, asking you to call him so he can hear your voice?’

‘We had an argument.’

‘About what?’

I stare at him, frozen, unable to think fast enough. I’m not a liar. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t want to do this. My lips quiver and tears brim in my eyes as I watch the truth settle in his, making him take a deep breath. His hand goes to the center of his chest, as if he’s in immense pain, and his eyes shut for a long moment before opening again, revealing tears.

‘Dad…’ I whisper. ‘I’m so sorry.’

He doesn’t move. He just stands there, taking deep breaths, clutching at his chest. Fear grips me like a vice at the thought of him having a heart attack from the shock and stress of what he’s just pieced together.

I gently touch his arm. ‘Dad…are you okay?’ I ask softly.

‘No. I’m not okay.’ He replies, rubbing his chest. ‘Did he touch you?’

My head shakes back and forth. ‘It’s not like that.’

‘What does that mean?’

I don’t know what to say, or how to say it. How do I explain what Tor and I have to my Dad? I was never supposed to go through this alone. Tor and I were going to tell him together and try to explain what happened in a way that he would understand.

I just have no idea how we thought we were going to do that.

‘Kenzi?’ He urges. ‘Answer me. What the hell does that mean?’

‘We love each other.’ I say, my voice shaking with a myriad of emotions. It seemed like the best, most honest answer. I thought it would cover everything that needed to be said.

‘What?’ The word rips out of him in a tormented roar that shakes the walls.

‘Daddy…let me call Tor and have him come over so we can all talk together,’ I say, hoping he’ll agree and Tor will be able to calm him down and then everything will be okay.

‘I’ll kill that motherfucker,’ he seethes. ‘This is why you were so upset about Sydni at the hospital. Isn’t it?’

I cringe away from him, wishing I hadn’t had such a meltdown that day in the hospital. This is all my fault. I should have been more careful.

‘Isn’t it?’ he bellows.

‘Yes,’ I answer. ‘Please stop yelling. Please.‘

A crazy grin crosses his lips, so foreign compared to his normal handsome, charming smile. ‘Stop yelling? You want me to stop yelling?’ he asks, his voice only rising with each word.

‘Yes. Please let me explain.’

He steps closer to me. ‘Did he touch you?’ The words come out of him like he’s choking on them.

‘Please don’t do this, Dad. Please calm down and just let me try to explain.’

‘Did he touch you?’ He demands again, so loud it makes me want to cover my ears.

‘Yes,’ I cry. ‘It’s not like you’re thinking! He loves me. I don’t know how it happened, but it did. We fell in love. It’s not bad, Dad. Please listen.’ I beg as he starts to rove around my bedroom, like he expects some clues are going to pop up from the corners. ‘He makes me happy. He’s never hurt me or pushed me, ever.’

‘Did he fuck you?’

‘Daddy!’ Tears burst from my eyes at the vileness in his tone. He’s never spoken to me this way. ‘Stop it.’

‘Did he?’

I shake my head and wipe at my eyes. ‘You’re being horrible! Stop asking me things and let me explain, please. We love each other. We care about each other. He’s my best friend. You know that. He would never, ever hurt me.’

‘You’re too young to know what love is, Kenzi. He took advantage of you because I fucked up and left you alone too much thinking I could trust him, and now I’m going to rip his fuckin’ heart out and shove it down his throat.’ Never have I heard my father speak so venomously or with such hatred. He’s a peacemaker. A lover. Always helping people work out their problems. Always caring and understanding.

Never like this.

And it’s all my fault. I did this.

‘I’m not too young. You and Mom were younger than me when you fell in love and look how long you lasted. So don’t you dare say that to me. I’m not a little girl, and I’m not stupid. I know exactly what and who I want.’

He grimaces and rubs the center of his chest again. ‘I’m going to be sick. He’s got your head all fuckin’ twisted up.’

‘No, he doesn’t. I love him. You know he’s a good man, Dad. Calm down and think, please. He’s your best friend. You know what kind of man he is. He would never hurt me, and this has been tearing him apart. He didn’t want it to happen. You have to believe me.’

‘Then it never should have fuckin’ happened!” he shouts. “He’s an adult, he knows better. He should have some fuckin’ self-control.” He glares at the standing framed photo of Tor and me on my dresser, taken when we were younger, and slams it down onto its glass face. “I trusted him with you, Kenzi.’ He says, coming back to stand in front of me, his eyes wild and his jaw clenched. ‘I trusted him with my baby girl and this is what he does?’

‘He never wanted to hurt you.’

‘Hurt me?’ he spits out. ‘He’s fucking destroyed me, Kenzi. And so have you.’

I swallow back more tears. ‘Please don’t say that, Daddy. I love you. Tor loves you. We never meant for this to happen.’

‘When?’ he asks, snapping his head to look at me. ‘When did this happen?’

It’s always been happening. I take a deep breath and try to think back.

‘A few months ago. A few weeks before I graduated, I think.’ My God, it seems like so long ago when it all started.

‘He touched you when you were under eighteen?’ he asks, his voice oddly leveled.

‘He kissed me but that was it. Nothing else happened until I was eighteen. The age of consent is sixteen. He didn’t do anything wrong. We waited until I was eighteen.’

His eyes close and his head hangs down. ‘I’m going to fucking kill him.’

‘Please stop saying that. Please.‘

‘He betrayed me, Kenzi. You don’t screw with your best friend’s daughter who’s a teenager and has been through the trauma of losing their mother when you’re supposed to be looking after them. It’s wrong no matter how you want to slice and dice it in your own head.’

‘He’s the one who was there for me the most, Dad. Everyone else was all wrapped up in their own grief or life. Including you,” I remind him. “Tor was with me all the time. He’s been taking care of me forever so don’t stand there and act like he’s some kind of pig because you know damn well he’s not. You turned him into a live-in nanny for God’s sake! He took care of all of us when we needed him,” my voice rises with each word and my body starts to tremble with a mix of anger, fear, and devastation. I take a deep breath and lower my voice before I continue “Maybe you need to remember all that.’ I wipe at my face as I attempt to defend the man that somehow became the glue in my life.

He slams his fist down on the top of my dresser. ‘That’s right, Kenzi. He was supposed to be taking care of you, not turning you into his own little fuck toy behind my back.’

Before I can stop myself, I’ve slapped him hard across the face, and he touches his cheek and looks at me like he has no idea who I am.

And that makes two of us; I don’t know who I am right now, either.

‘I’m sorry.’ I whisper shakily. ‘But I am not a fuck toy. I know you’re mad and upset, but I won’t let you disrespect me. Or him. Or what we have.’

As my words sink in he nods slowly and softly says, ‘I just love you so much, Kenzi. This is killing me.’

I force myself to take a deep breath. ‘I know that and I’m sorry. But that’s no excuse for you to say nasty things.’

He sits on my bed and puts his head in his hands and his body shakes with silent sobs. My heart slowly dies watching him in emotional agony, knowing this is my fault.

‘You’re right,’ He lifts his head. ‘I didn’t mean what I said, sweetheart. My head is just completely wacked right now.’

Seeing him so gutted is terrible. I just want this all to stop before it gets worse. ‘I think we should just go to bed and talk about this in the morning, Dad.’

‘I can’t do that. He’s going to tell me to my face what he’s done.’

My breath catches. ‘You’re going over there? Now?’ I ask, worry washing over me in a tidal wave.

‘Yes. He and I are going to have a nice long talk.’ He answers sarcastically.

I hang onto his arm and try to stop him from heading towards the door. ‘Dad, please. He’s still recovering from the accident. Please don’t touch him,’ I beg, sobbing uncontrollably. ‘If you hurt him, I’ll never forgive you. I swear to you, I won’t.’ I plead with my eyes and cling to the sleeve of his shirt.

‘Kenzi, this is between me and him. Don’t call him, don’t text him, and don’t show up over there, either. You need to let me deal with this.’

‘It’s the middle of the night. Please leave him alone and just go tomorrow when you’ve calmed down. We’ll go together,’ I offer, trying to sound hopeful. ‘That’s how we had planned to tell you. We just wanted to wait until after your tour.’

He wrenches his arm out of my grip. ‘This isn’t going to wait. I need to talk to him alone. Go to bed. We’ll talk more about your part in this in the morning. And don’t plan on ever seeing him again.’

I open my mouth to protest but he cuts me off. ‘I’m still your father, Kenzi, and I’d like you to listen to me,” Sadness fills his voice and infiltrates the air between us. “We’ve never fought before this, Kenzi. Ever.’

‘I know.’ I answer tearfully. ‘I hate it. I can’t stand seeing you this way, so angry and upset.’

‘Then do as I ask please and let me handle this with him. I want you to go wash your face and lie down. We’ll talk in the morning.’

I sit on my bed and cross my arms, hugging myself. ‘I’ll never stop seeing him, Dad. I love him and need him too much. Just like how you feel about Mom. I’ll never let him go,” I say as he heads for my bedroom door again.

He halts with his hand on the doorknob and turns slightly towards me. ‘We’ll see about that.’

I fall apart the moment he leaves, crying into my comforter like a child having a tantrum but I just can’t stop. Feeling helpless and terrified, I’m consumed with the guilt of the damage I’ve created between two best friends that will probably never be able to be repaired. I’ve never seen my father so angry before and I’m afraid of what he’ll do to Tor. We never should have let this go on without telling my father, and now I blame myself for wanting to wait. Everything just spiraled out of control. I don’t know how we can possibly ever make this right again.