The exhaustion hits us both again, and I fall asleep in Nox’s bed beside him, his shadow creatures surrounding us as they sleep in their dark slumber more deeply than ever before as we all recover from the effects of the soul-bonding and Nox’s death.
I wake up to his face as close to mine as it can get without actually touching me, something that used to make me feel so desolate and alienated but has now become a sign of trust between us.
It wasn’t his bond that put us this close together.
It wasn’t some secret, midnight moonlighting between the gods living inside of us both. It was just Nox going to sleep as close as his own boundaries would let him get to me. I had never really considered how intimate it would be to be so close to someone that we’re sharing breaths but not actually touching anywhere.
It moves something in my chest that I’m not sure will ever be moved back, some secret puzzle piece that suddenly fits nicely inside of me as though it always had.
If I shut my eyes, I can still feel his hands pressed against my cheeks and the soft cascade of his breath as he whispered quiet calming words to me. The change from Nox Draven, the damaged scholar who loathed my very existence, to Nox Draven, the man I have committed my life to and share a soul-bond with, is both dramatic and subtle.
The same intensity that I had always felt in him is still there, the same seething anger at the world, and even at me. Being so completely in tune with each other hasn’t taken any of that away. There’s no healing the things that were done to him, in the same way that there’s no healing the things that were done to me. Recovery isn’t about wiping the board clean. Recovery is learning how to function around all of the scars and open wounds inside of us.
There’s nothing I wish for more than being able to heal the inner child inside of Nox, the one who was betrayed in the worst possible ways by the one person who should have been protecting her son from such things, but I can’t. Just as Nox can’t go back in time and stop my bond from coming out in that car, or to rescue me from the Resistance camps, no matter how much he wishes he could take the knife out of Silas Davies’ hands and shove it into his chest instead.
I move slowly to look around the room at all of the shadow creatures sleeping amongst us, named after the angels and demons that Nox had spent so long praying to, desperate for them to rescue him.
I know them all now.
Each one of them meets my eyes as I look around the room. I had never felt any threat from any of them before, only once had any of them shown any sort of interest in defending Nox against me at that awful dinner that I had misspoken at, but even then, I knew that they wouldn’t hurt me, just that they wanted me to stop.
Azrael is tucked into my chest and stomach, the short puffs of breath rustling at my hair a small surprise because usually he doesn’t have enough form to have such a thing. A breath I didn’t know I was holding is finally released at the sight of him there.
“Don’t ever leave me again,” I whisper against his nose, pressing my face into his as silent tears track down my cheeks and into his shadowy fur.
The small part of Nox that his bond had given to me, the tiny part of him I was allowed to love for months before this moment, means more to me than I could ever say.
Nox sleeps through my silent sobbing into Azrael’s fur, and I have to force myself to calm my breathing down enough to pull myself together.
I slip quietly out of the bed and into the bathroom to clean myself up. The tiling still isn’t finished in here, but the toilet and basin both work well enough. Azrael follows me in there to sit at my feet and guard me. It’s as though he’s worried something will happen to me five steps away from my Bond.
I still can’t think the other word in reference to Nox.
I’m not sure I ever will, but I’m okay with that.
I make my way back into Nox’s room and find him still fast asleep in his bed, so instead of disturbing him by climbing back in there, I take a moment to look around at the towering bookshelves that cover every wall.
They’re filled to the brim, double-stacked and with more boxes of books everywhere. Even then, his rooms back at the Draven mansion had, at least, double the amount of bookshelves in them. If he has the intention of bringing it all here, we’re going to need a lot more storage for them.
I use the light on my phone to look over the titles of them even though I already know not only every book in the collection, but the contents of them as well, thanks to the soul-bond.
Graduating college, if that’s even still in the cards for me, is going to be a breeze now.
I have to smother a giggle at the thought of how angry Nox will be at this accidental cheating of mine but, damn, does it feel good as I run my fingers down each of the spines and the knowledge within them comes to mind. There’s a lot of ancient texts here about the history of Gifted and their bonds, a lot of information that I will need to actually process to see if it’ll help us in any way with my own prior knowledge, but then it occurs to me that Nox will now have that knowledge as well, and the weight of that responsibility is shared with him.
My hand lands on one of the tomes that we had brought back from the Hail Mary with us. The spine feels warm to the touch, the leather old and cracked but surprisingly well-maintained for the age of it. Nox had spent many nights translating the ancient and dead language that it was originally written in to be able to carry out the research necessary.
There’s something about the book that calls to my bond, and it wakes slowly from the slumber that it had been in. It’s hard to explain, but it feels as though it yawns and stretches inside of me, preparing itself to assess the situation and speak to me. For once, I am happy to sit and wait it out. Something about the way it had fought for Nox and his bond so intensely, without question, has shifted something in my relationship with it.
I’m no longer afraid of it.
There is a seed of guilt in me for even saying that, because the original reason I had been so wary of it in the first place was because of my parents’ deaths. To think that I might have forgiven it for something like that is unspeakable to me, but there’s also a part of me that knows that whether or not I forgive it, my bond is a part of me.
I can’t get rid of it.
Maybe the guilt and horror at what had happened is no longer serving me. It’s also not going to bring my parents back, no matter how badly I wish for that, and now more than ever, we need to move carefully.
No more missteps.
Okay, that isn’t the profound knowledge I was hoping for, but I keep my temper in check. Agreed. Do you have any advice on making sure that our next move is the correct one?
It’s quiet for a moment, and my eyes drift back over to the mountains of blankets and pillows that surround Nox. He sleeps in his own little cocoon, and my chest aches with a deep need to go and climb into it with him, but I’m trying to not make any missteps with him either.
Everything about my life right now is carefully thought-out moves so as to not have everything blow up in my face. I’m so close to a united Bonded Group, so close to having a family again. One that might not be the picture-perfect, happy group, but one that’s more genuine and real than anything I’ve ever known before.
I’m terrified of fucking that up for myself and for us, because I also know how desperately North and Gryphon want this all to work out. Gabe too.
Atlas? Not so much, but it’s a work in progress.
No splitting up. No more letting anyone run off into danger by themselves, and no more missions without us present.
Okay, that’s all very doable, and if I tell North and Gryphon that my bond has made its demands, they should both agree to it. On the off chance they don’t, I can always get my bond to speak to them on my behalf.
It has a particularly forceful way of getting them to agree to its whims.
Not that they are pushovers, of course. I’ve seen them all tell my bond no when required, but I doubt they’d argue with this demand.
I glance back over at the bed, and this time, I find Nox staring back at me. His eyes are dark but not voided out in the shadows of the room.
“What are you doing?” he asks, his voice still rough with sleep. I shrug, shifting my weight to either of my feet a little awkwardly.
“Just talking to my bond, trying to figure all of this out. I know that we’re happy enough hiding here in the peace of your room for a little while, but we do have to remember that someone managed to kill you a few days ago. I doubt that they’ll be happy to find out that I was able to bring you back. But, again, there’s someone out there strong enough to take out a Death Dealer. If that isn’t concerning, then I don’t know what is.”
He heaves himself up onto his arms, popping his top half off of the bed, and I glanced down to where Azrael is nuzzling at my thigh, as if pushing me back towards the warmth and comfort of the sheets.
“It was aiming for North. It didn’t give a shit about me or Gryphon. It only cared about killing him.”
My heart stops in my chest.
I didn’t know that.
“Have you told North?”
Nox raises an eyebrow at me, motioning to the empty side of the bed, and I stumble over to join him there. “He’s already trying to drink himself to death. There’s no point adding any fuel to his guilt-soaked fire.”
Jesus.
He’s not wrong. I don’t need to reach out to feel how intoxicated North is right now. None of my Bonded have really properly gotten drunk since we’d completed the Bonding, except Nox, and he’d never opened up enough for me to really feel it.
North isn’t in a state to hide this from me.
Nox holds one of his hands up to stare at his fingers, flexing them slowly as he assesses the damage that is no longer there. “They went after the strongest member of the Bonded Group first… after you, of course. They only want you alive and cut off from the rest of us.”
I don’t like the sound of that, and neither does my bond, stretching and flexing inside of my chest as it wakes up again. It doesn’t want to take over or throw a tantrum though, only to listen in to what Nox is saying.
I have my own concerns here. “Is North the strongest, though? I’d argue that you’re all strong but in different ways.”
Nox gives me a dry look, and I shake my head at him. “I’m not trying to play peacemaker. I’m being serious. Other than you and North both being Death Dealers, everyone’s Gifts are very different, and all of the Bonded Group are the strongest at what they are. No Neuro can do what Gryphon can. Atlas’ family have the same Gift as him, but none of them can transfer it like he can, and we’re still figuring out the limits to his strength. Gabe can turn into a freaking dragon. All of those Gifts are on a different playing field than our peers.”
Nox shrugs. “The shadows have always been a threat to the Resistance. The Draven name alone is a threat, and I’m not surprised they targeted North before me. He’s the councilman, and he’s been at the center of every big win we’ve had against them. He’s always deflected away from me and painted the target on himself.”
I don’t like it.
It’s a no-win situation though. If they hadn’t been targeting North, then they only would’ve chosen another of my Bonded, and I’d hate that just as much.
They need to die. All of them.
I startle at the sound of another bond in my mind, one that speaks like mine but… isn’t.
I glance at Nox. He’s staring back at me, his eyes so dark that I’m not entirely sure who’s at the helm right now. His head tilts just a little and I find some blue in his eyes, just enough to know that Nox is still in there.
I hum softly under my breath as I think, listening to my own bond’s vehement agreement, and then answer his bond out loud, “We need to step things up. Stop reacting to them attacking us and start making our own plans.”
Nox nods slowly. “You need the others to stop coddling you. You need your bond to be let out to its full potential, because you’re still letting your fears of what we’ll all think of you get in the way.”
It’s a critique, if a kind one, but I can handle it. It’s something I already know all too well about myself. The moment I came to terms with wanting to keep them all was the moment the fear in me had shifted.
I am scared they’ll leave me if they see with their own two eyes what I’m capable of.
I clear my throat, mostly a nervous action because he’s called me out perfectly, just like he always does. “It’s my own fault. I’ll work on my trust issues. It’ll be easier now that I have… you.”
He stares at me intently for a minute, not arguing or denying that I do, in fact, have him now, but I’m not surprised that he doesn’t just drop the issue. “Bassinger was trying to knock a wall down because you weren’t napping in your own bed under his obsessive eye. There’s more than just your trust issues to deal with.”
I cringe a little because that might be what had happened earlier, but he makes it sound so… wrong. Atlas is only trying to take care of me, something that a Bonded should do, and he’s always been so doubtful of Nox’s intentions.
With valid reasons too.
“He’s just… afraid you’re hurting me. Emotionally.”
I don’t know why I tack that onto the end there, but Nox sends me a dry look anyway. “I’m sure he’s got a lot more concerns than just how I’m speaking to you.”
The mood in the room shifts.
I feel like a creep for it, and for noticing it, especially after everything that’s been said and shared between us. It feels wrong to even be thinking about sex right now, but my mind can’t stop replaying our bonding, and then my bond pipes up with its own desperate demands for him.
Maybe I am a monster.
“Stop it, Oleander. You already know it’s not about sex.”
Okay, ouch. I did not want the reminder.
The part of the soul-bonding that I had been very careful about not thinking about so far, no small feat, were all of the memories of his sex life before I’d returned here. The years of figuring out exactly what he likes and reclaiming the parts of himself and his sexuality that his mother had broken—I know them all now, intimately.
Doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Okay, so that might make me sound like a bitch, because he also was in a lot of therapy and going through it was part of the healing process, but I’m a very possessive sort of Bond, and seeing all of that had hurt more than anything else he’s ever said or done to me… everything except the reasons why he’s so broken.
He knows it too.
Fuck, this is kind of a mess.
I clear my throat and pray that he doesn’t think I’m trying to be a controlling, manipulative Bond, the exact thing his mother had played and distorted reality with. “I’m trying to be cool right now, but I’m not. Like, at all. I’m very not cool and not fine about any of my Bonds having sex with other people. I’m not going to lie about it or try to play it down.”
I keep my eyes squeezed tight so I don’t have to see the moment he decides to be done with me. His words startle me. “Are you pissed off at me because of that?”
Am I?
It takes me a second, but I find the truth. “No, but I might need to avoid some women for a while because I could very much rip some hearts out or set my bond onto them, which isn’t fair or okay either. Just, you know, being honest here.”
I’m brave and take a quick glance at him just in time to see him nod slowly, lying back to stare up at the ceiling again.
He doesn’t snarl at me or leave me here, so maybe I haven’t ruined everything with my irrational emotions. At least not yet.
I let my eyes fall shut again as I think about exactly how I’m going to convince everyone to let me step up in the fight, not just easing up when my bond comes out to play, and I’m so busy in my own head that I barely notice when a shadow wisp wraps around my ankle, jerking my leg towards Nox.
I startle a little, my eyes flying open, but another shadow wisp wraps around my wrist to move me until I’m in the middle of the bed facing him. His eyes are deep, dark voids of deep blue that have me constantly questioning whether it’s him or his bond in control, but when I open my mouth to say… Lord knows what, Nox speaks over me, “Don’t move or say a word. Your bond isn’t in control here.”
The wisps come out to wrap around my body, covering almost every inch of me until I’m bound tightly, only the steady rise and fall movement of my chest allowed. It’s then that I know that I really do trust him. I must, because I don’t freak out. I’m calm as I stare back at him.
He’s setting a clear boundary, and when he raises his eyebrows at me, I nod, a small jerk of my head. That’s all the wisps of shadows will allow, my lips pressed tightly together in a clear sign of my compliance. His pupils blow out, swallowing up the last of the blue. When he moves over to press in close to me, a whimper works its way out of my chest.
His bond purrs at the sound of it.
I stare up at him, splayed out underneath him like a sacrifice just how he wants me— or maybe not, because I still have a lot more clothing on than either of us would like.
The moment I think that, the shadows start to move. They’re nothing like the shadows that North controls. His shadows were like a caress, firm but loving as they had pleasured me. These shadows are about control, holding me and moving me this way and that at the urges of their god.
I feel as though I’m merely an object that belongs to him, something he owns for his own desire, but the idea of his pleasures finally being mine to sate is more than exciting. It feels right, as though this is how it always should have been.
The shadows begin to pull and tear at my clothes, stripping them away from my body until I’m naked, my legs tugged apart for him. When he steps away from the bed, his eyes drop down, flaring at the sight of my pussy spread open for him.
“Watch me, Oleander. Watch what you’re doing to me, and what I’m going to do to you.”
His voice is low and rough, drenched in sex already, and my body reacts to it before I can obey his demands. My back arches, straining against the shadows even as they hold me in place.
I want him so badly.
I want to tell him that, to tell him everything on my mind until I’m begging for his touch. I have to bite my lip to keep the words from bubbling out and breaking his rules already.
Nox has no idea of the internal war I’m fighting right now as he strips, slowly revealing his perfectly toned body, the smooth planes of his muscles like a vision for my eyes to drink in as he moves fluidly. He looks every inch like the god that he is, never mind the one living inside him. When he turns back towards the bed, I see that his cock is hard and heavy where it curves up towards his belly, no mistaking how ready he is to fuck me.
My mouth waters at the sight of it.
My bond pushes at my mind, desperate to take control and demand things from him, but I push it back, a feat more difficult than keeping my own mouth shut. Nox sees it all though, sees the battle I fight with it. When I win, he smirks at me, just a hint of pride in his eyes that I’m playing by his rules.
He doesn’t fight his bond the same way.
My cheeks flush at his obvious approval, and the smirk stays put on his face as he climbs back onto the bed to sink down onto his elbows between my legs, his shadows moving out of the way without needing his commands, seamlessly obeying his every whim. They’re more than just shadows he controls, they’re a part of him as much as any of his limbs.
His lips are hot on my thigh, his teeth sharp as he nips at the soft skin there, and I’m lucky that squirming under his shadows isn’t off-limits because I writhe out my need for him. I need… more. I need him to eat me out, or fuck me, or spank my ass until I can’t sit for a week.
Pain or pleasure, I need something only he can give me right now.
I feel his breath brush against my throbbing clit, and I almost break. I almost sob at him to give me something, anything, touch me, anything, but his teeth sink into my hip in warning, a sharp reminder to hold myself in check if I want my reward, and I clamp my teeth shut until my jaw aches, a whimper breaking through.
His lips touch my pussy at the same time that his fingers slip inside of me, filling me up but not quite enough, stoking the fire inside of me without pushing me over the edge. I find myself greedy for it, greedy to come, because I’ve waited so long for this.
The shadows pull at my body, moving me and making adjustments until I feel something stroking my thighs that isn’t Nox… at least not his hands. The stroking moves higher until it slips down to push against my ass.
My eyes fly open, and I glance down my body at him, his own eyes shifting to voids as his bond looks back at me with an unerring stare. There’s obsession in his eyes, a dark and twisted sort of love as they both take what they want from me.
They both want to fuck me.
I’m tense, a little unsure of how the hell this is going to work, but I trust them both completely. When my eyes flutter shut, Nox’s bond growls at me, a sound deep in his throat that my own bond strains inside of me to answer.
He fucks my pussy with his tongue until I forget my own name, the shadow of his bond slipping inside me easily, and my first orgasm washes over me. It’s intense, especially as my body clamps down and my entire body heats up like I’m burning inside.
I haven’t done this before, not like this, but the dark voids of his eyes as they both pleasure me, the way I open up to them both perfectly, all of it adds to the pleasure building in me. It’s as though they’re both marking me as theirs, testing me and the limits of what I’ll give them, but I’ve already decided there is no limit.
I want everything with this man and his bond. I want to give them both everything, and I want Nox to take his pleasure, giving it back to me tenfold.
I want more.
When his fingers slip out of me, his knees drawing up until his shadows are moving me again, he pushes my knees up to my chest for him so that he can line his cock up to slowly push into my pussy at the same time that his bond takes my ass.
“Mine,” his bond hisses, and I glance up to see it watching my body open up to them both, hands grasping at the inside of my thighs alongside the shadows as they hold my legs wide open.
His shadow grows impossibly bigger inside my ass, big enough that I have a small moment of panic that I’m going to split in half. The moment I think that, his hips meet mine, and his cock is all the way inside my pussy while his shadows fill my ass.
I can’t breathe in the best way.
He’s everywhere all at once, covering me and consuming me. When his hips start to move and his bond’s shadow works in tandem, I can’t help but writhe and moan underneath him, my body taking over as my mind narrows to know nothing but the pleasure he’s giving me.
His hand creeps up my chest to sit at the base of my throat, pressing me deeper into the pillows as his hips surge inside of me, pumping slowly as he fucks me. The pressure makes it harder to breathe, harder to think and overthink every little thing, until all that exists is the thick lengths of his cock and shadows as he stretches me to my limit and beyond. I squirm underneath him, my eyes rolling to the back of my head as a moan ekes out of my chest from under the heavy weight of his palm.
I want more.
I have to bite my lip to stop the words from coming out, the mantra of my greedy bond and the words that it’s muttered and snapped and moaned at all of my Bonded at some point between the sheets.
But not this one.
This one demands my silence, needs my body to be his for the taking without any demands or directions. And for my silence, I’m rewarded with pleasure that has my toes curling and my lungs giving out.
“Mine, this is all mine.”
When his hand moves down my body, his fingers finding my clit again with ease and working it over, I come so hard that my vision whites out.
When my mind comes back online, I have to blink to see straight again. I find Nox still fucking me through my peak. His eyes are so dark that I have to really look to check that his bond is no longer in control, but when his fingers curl around my chin to turn my face up to kiss me finally, I know it’s him in there. It’s Nox at the helm as he pounds into my pussy until I want to scream, his hips brutal as he gives me everything he’s got.
It’s as though I’m having sex with two men here and not just one, both of them checking in and out as they fuck me senseless. The shadows pull at my limbs, dragging me deeper into the bed until I feel as though I might break open, the power of him filling me until I’m dying to scream out my pleasure.
He watches it all, the darkness of his eyes still shining back to me. When I bite my lip to keep myself from moaning or whimpering again, he leans down to speak to me, his bond murmuring in a voice that isn’t of this world, “Not even death can keep us apart. Every part of you belongs to me, and I will tear any man apart who dares to get in my way. Bond or not.”
I don’t need the reaction of my bond to those words to know that I’m close, my orgasm building up from the tips of my toes and rolling over me like a wave until it takes every last ounce of my control to stay silent as my body breaks into a thousand shaking, blissful pieces. My pussy gushes, wetness soaking my thighs as I fall apart in his arms, only his shadows wrapped tightly around me holding me together.
I want to cry, to sob at the overstimulation as he fucks me through my orgasm again, his eyes watching every second of my pleasure before he comes too, but only after I’m done. I watch as his eyes roll back and his lips curl, looking furious as he snarls out his own pleasure.
A shiver runs down my spine at the sight of him, stunning and twisted and gorgeously broken. He moves to collapse on the bed next to me with a grunt, the wild curls falling over his forehead in a sweaty mess, and my heart clenches at the sight of it.
He’s still the same vicious and cruel man, only now he’s mine, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him, nothing I haven’t already done for him.
There’s a moment of quiet between us, the inches that separate our bodies on the bed are such a small and insignificant thing now. I wait until the shadows have completely receded before I think about using my voice again.
I don’t have any words for what just happened between us anyway.
So I let my eyes fall shut, and I enjoy the silence instead.
I think that Nox is just going to lie there in silence with me, but then his hand slips onto my cheek, pulling me closer until his lips meet mine. I know the moment that his bond interrupts and takes over, the way that the dark obsession bleeds through, and when I pull away to breathe, it murmurs, one last time, “Mine.”
Eventually, Nox gets up to clean himself, moving slowly through the room without bothering to cover his nakedness. I sneak a look at his ass and bite my lip at the sight of it.
Just as great as North’s. I’m the luckiest Bond to ever live.
When the bed dips with his weight again, he finally breaks the silence. “I can show you how to keep Gryphon out of your head.”
I turn my face just enough that I can meet Nox’s eyes, but I find that he has them closed, his dark eyelashes fanning out over his cheeks, and I enjoy taking a moment to stare at him, marveling at the dark beauty of him.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to learn, no matter who’s teaching me. Gryphon tried to, but I just… can’t. It’s literally impossible for me to push him out of my mind.”
Nox shrugs, his face barely changing. “It’s because you’re too emotional about him. Your mind is bending towards him always because of your connection to him. If you can control your emotions, you can keep him out.”
I don’t feel insulted by what he’s saying, mostly because there is no accusation or venom in his words, for once, but there’s also a part of me that doesn’t want to do anything about my emotions to my Bonded.
“I’m not telling you to stop feeling towards him. I’m just saying that if you can control the emotions more in the heat of the moment, you will be able to have a little more privacy.”
I nod at that, slowly rolling my body closer to him and enjoying the heat of him even without our bodies touching. Having him lying next to me like this is like we’re finally able to get the nesting that we were both denied thanks to his trauma. I find my bond incredibly smug at finally having the opportunity to just soak each other up.
“It’s not that I mind having him there. It’s more that I’m afraid of accidentally betraying my other Bonds’ privacy,” I say slowly, my words carefully thought out, even though I’m starting to relax about accidental missteps.
Nox nods slowly. “I would rather Gryphon not know every little detail of what was shared between us.”
My cheeks heat, and even though I know he’s probably referring to the soul-bond and the sharing of every moment of our lives, there’s a part of me that can’t stop thinking about our Bonding, the way that his bond had taken over and kissed me as though it owns me.
It was as perfect as this time between just the two of us, so different, but both times perfect in my eyes.
“Listen to what I’m telling you, Oleander, and do exactly as I say. I know you can do this; you can do anything you put your mind to.”
