back at some point? There are only so many times I can tell Reed you’re asleep.”
I look at Maria as I cradle the mug of hot chocolate in front of me. Griffin took one look at my face when he came in and made it for me without saying a word and then headed into his office to give Maria and I some space. Although, I noticed he whispered a soft hello to Rosie and stroked the golden strands where her feathers will grow before he left. He’s definitely a keeper. A complicated, intense man. A lot like his best friend, Reed. Griffin is a man with a huge heart when it comes to Maria. The biggest heart for those he cares about.
Just like Reed.
“Whatever it is, I’m sure you two can work it out,” she offers.
I swallow the sweet liquid while it’s still too hot and let the burn on my tongue be the excuse I will give for the tears in my eyes, should Maria ask.
“It’s… complicated,” I whisper, my chest tightening like I’m being crushed like you see in horror movies. Two spiked walls closing in, pressing closer and closer together until they meet.
With me impaled at their center.
I think that would be less painful than this.
“Is it about him being Mayor and moving to Gracie Mansion? It’s not that far. And you’ll have that view over the water there.”
I try my best to lift my lips into something resembling a grateful smile at Maria’s attempt to help. She’s right. Gracie Mansion, the official residence of the New York Mayor, is only a half hour walk.
“Yeah.”
Maria places her hand over mine around my mug. “You’ll be on the East side and have East River and Carl Schurz Park. Granted, it’s not the size of Central Park. But it’s policed around the clock. You could take up midnight jogging if you wanted and still feel safe.” She raises her brows and we both giggle as I shake my head.
“I can definitely say that will not be happening.”
“That’s if you want to even move there. Don’t feel like you must. Living here with Reed is different. You had an arrangement. I know things have changed, but if you don’t want to move in with him permanently, then that’s your decision to make. I’m sure he’ll understand.”
The air leaves my lungs and my shoulders sag. Maria’s right. He would let me move back into my apartment if that’s what I say I want. I know he will try and talk me out of it and possibly hit the roof first. Just the idea of the confusion in his eyes if I were to say that to him has my chest constricting in pain as though a billion miniature daggers are piercing it. But he would let me if he believed I would be happier. I know he would.
“You’re mine, Harley. I will protect you with my life.”
He said that, and a whole lot more. Reed will do anything to protect me. He’s shown it, most recently when he dealt with the man who tried to expose my Julia pseudonym from honey trapping. Thank God nothing came from it. I don’t care about me, but the thought it could have affected Reed’s campaign and cost him the election, it doesn’t bear thinking about. He asked me to pretend to be his girlfriend to improve his public image, not destroy it. My reasons behind working for the agency won’t matter. There will always be people ready to judge me on my past actions. Just like Reed said.
“People will always use your past against you.”
And now someone is trying to do just that to him.
And they’re putting his fate in my hands.
I look into Maria’s kind eyes and give her a weak smile. “You’re right. Thank you. I’ll speak to him. I think I’m just a little overwhelmed with all that’s gone on with the election, and then Rosie stealing our sleep.” My heart is heavy in my chest as the lie rolls easily off my tongue. I’ve never lied to Maria. But I can’t tell her the truth.
I wish I could.
Maria’s eyes dart over to the small box we’ve set up as Rosie’s temporary home. She’s currently snuggled up in a couple of bamboo face cloths underneath a heat lamp. I’ve welcomed the distraction her regular feeds have brought.
Maria and Griffin had a staff member from the ornithology department at Bronx Zoo on standby to come and help at the first sign of any shell cracking. But I insisted they shouldn’t bother and managed to convince Griffin I was the better choice, rather than having a stranger in their apartment. He’s always found it hard to trust people, and maybe it was wrong of me to exploit that to my advantage. But it seems I’m about to start making a lot of decisions I’m not proud of. Whether I want to or not.
“She certainly is. This must be what it’s like as a new parent. I’m surprised Griffin is taking to the lack of sleep so well.” Maria rests her arms on the kitchen counter and sighs happily.
“He’ll be an amazing daddy when the day comes. You two are made for each other.”
“Thanks, Harley. We got here eventually. But it wasn’t easy. It isn’t always simple where the heart is concerned.” She meets my eyes and the understanding and compassion in them almost breaks the dam holding my tears back. I swallow down the lump in my throat and nod at her. They didn’t have a simple start. So much was working against them in the beginning. Unseen forces. But they still found their way back to one another.
I wish I could say the same can happen for Reed and me.
But I don’t see how it can.
I slide out of my seat and crush Maria into a hug, hiding my face over her shoulder. It’s one thing lying to one of your best friends. But to have to look her in the eyes as I do… it breaks my heart even more. I’m surprised it’s still working, the hammering it’s taken since the election night party.
Maria’s arms tighten around my back, and she squeezes me. “Why don’t you go down and see if Reed’s back yet? Talk to him about the move. Griffin and I can manage the feeds tonight. And you can come back in the morning to see Rosie before the person from the sanctuary comes to collect her.”
“Okay.” I sniff, barely holding it together. “See you in the morning.”
I know she can sense that so much is wrong. And I wish I could share it with her. I wish I could ask for her advice, or even just sob on her shoulder at the unfairness of it all.
But I can’t.
It isn’t my secret to share.
I gather up my purse and tell Maria I’ll collect my things in the morning. Then I decide to take the stairwell down a level instead of riding the elevator. My footsteps echo off the empty walls as I descend to mine and Reed’s apartment.
Mine and Reed’s.
Nothing will ever be mine and his again. It can’t be. Not now.
I stop on the final step and give in to the pressure rising in my chest as I break out into gasping, wracking sobs. My back hits the cold hard wall and I slide down it until my ass lands on the step. I curl my feet underneath me and cry. Cry for me. Cry for Reed. Cry for ten years ago and what he went through.
And I cry for what I must do now.
I take my phone out of my purse and bring up the video I was sent the night of the election from an unknown number. It’s the first time I’ve allowed myself to watch it since that night. Just the thought of what it contains has had me running to the bathroom in Maria and Griffin’s apartment to throw up so many times they would probably think I was pregnant if they’d seen me.
I click play and watch as the grainy image begins to move. It’s a poor picture. Like it’s been filmed on an old camera. The angle makes me think it must have been positioned on a table or desk near the foot of the bed. Hidden?
There’s no sound. And I’m grateful for that, at least. It would make it even harder to witness.
Blonde hair appears first. She walks into the hotel room and then stops, looking back over her shoulder, appearing to be speaking to someone. Then she moves out of frame and returns, her hand in someone else’s, pulling them along, almost playfully. But the way he sways on his feet and staggers to the side tells me he is either extremely drunk.
Or drugged.
She strokes the side of his face, brushing warm brown waves of hair away from his eyes. Then she begins to undo his shirt. His hands go up to hers and he holds them still, but she bats him off and laughs before carrying on.
She takes his shirt off, and then her hands are all over him. Touching his biceps, his shoulders, his chest. He stands there, swaying, not reciprocating her attention at all. He looks like he could pass out on the floor any second.
Then she leads him toward the bed and pushes him back. He falls onto it with all the grace of a tower block crumbling after demolition.
Out cold.
Then she climbs over the top of him.
I pause the video as I retch. Swallowing down hot cocoa laced with vomit. The video still has more to play. The menu bar isn’t even a quarter of the way along. But I can’t watch it any further. This is as far as I got the night of the election. I know what’s on there. I don’t need to see it.
Reed said there was no evidence. That the police couldn’t help him when he reported it. Griffin and Riley couldn’t find anything to help uncover what had happened to him. But they were wrong. For whatever reason, it was so well hidden that no one found it. No one ever saw it.
Until now.
Now I have a video of Reed’s assault from ten years ago sitting on my phone. Burning a hole in it. And searing a giant wound into my chest at the same time.
To start with, I couldn’t understand why I was sent it. Or by who. The message gave nothing away. And I spent the first night when we got home after the election lying in Reed’s arms in bed pretending to be asleep so he wouldn’t worry. But the truth is, I never slept that night.
Maybe I will never truly sleep well again.
There was no explanation with the video.
Nothing.
Why was I sent it and not Reed?
Then earlier today, I received another text from the same number.
I wipe my eyes and swallow down my hiccups as I open it and read it for the millionth time.
Unknown: Make sure Walker re-elects George Yates as NYPD Commissioner. Or this video gets released for the world to watch.
Maybe I was stupid to reply, but I did.
Me: Who is this? Why are you doing this?
Unknown: Make sure he chooses George Yates. We know you can convince him.
I’ve never felt so hopeless in my life. I’m numb. So numb that even silence seems to have a sound. One that rings and rings in my ears as I try to shut it out. Whoever it is has targeted me. Reed would never be blackmailed. Never. He’s stronger than me. He would never let anyone have that power over him.
“People will try and use your past against you, Harls.”
They must know that. They haven’t chosen him. They’ve chosen me. We’ve been in the press, attending events together. We’ve looked like the couple in love. The couple who only have eyes for each other.
In the beginning, it was an act.
But it stopped being pretend for me a long time ago.
Anyone who has seen us together will think if they can’t get what they want from Reed, then they should try me. That, if I love him, then I will do anything to protect him. Like he has done for me.
And they’re right.
I will do anything for him.
I know he’ll question me if I show anything more than a mild interest in who he’s electing as commissioner. He knows I don’t have the knowledge of the New York political circuit to understand what I’m suggesting. He would see right through me.
But that’s not why I can’t do it.
Reed wanted to run for mayor to improve residents’ lives. To bring positive changes. Whatever reason these people want George Yates to be re-selected can only be sinister. I can’t do that to Reed. I can’t do anything that will darken his dreams. Anything that could stand in the way of what he has fought for all this time. What he has worked so hard for.
I can’t let anyone use his past against him. He told me it was something he could never accept.
“Don’t look at me any differently, Harls. I couldn’t stand it.”
“It makes me physically sick… people… they can never leave their past behind them because others won’t let them. That can destroy you more than the event itself.”
“I would sacrifice myself for you if it meant no one would ever try and hurt you, especially by using your past against you.”
Whoever this is obviously thinks I can persuade Reed because of our romantic relationship. But if that were to end…
I draw in a shaky breath as I slide my phone back into my purse and pull out some mints, crunching a couple down quickly, and then throwing two more into my mouth.
If that were to end… if we were to end… then they wouldn’t have that leverage anymore. I’m probably being stupidly naïve. They will try something else. They might still release the video, anyway.
But it could buy me time.
Buy me time to try to figure out who’s behind this.
I’m going behind Reed’s back. But I’ve asked Griffin for help. Reed told me he saved him when he was at his lowest. Griffin knows everything. Him and Riley. And maybe Stuart. I don’t know. Maybe not Stuart, but he’s his campaign manager. Would he know everything about Reed? Isn’t that their job? To pre-empt horrendous situations like this?
Griffin told me not to worry. That we would get them. That they wouldn’t get away with it. And I wish I had his optimism. He’s livid someone is doing this. But I’ve worked with him enough years to know the lengths he will go to when he’s determined. He will help. It will work. It has to.
He said we should tell Reed. And the police. He insisted. Griffin might be my boss during working hours, but this isn’t his call to make. If the police investigate, then it means handing over the video to them. More people will see it. They will all see what Reed went through.
I can’t allow it.
I can’t let people see it.
What would that do to him? What would it be like for him? Knowing people are watching and scrutinizing every minute detail of something that was done to him. Something he can’t even remember fully himself.
There must be another way.
I told Griffin I would resign and never speak to him again if he tells Reed when I’ve asked him not to. I said I would leave New York and Maria and our friendship behind. It was an awful thing to say, and it would cut me far deeper than it would them. But I’m desperate, and it’s all I have.
He was livid at me, of course. But I also saw understanding in his eyes, and maybe even respect at how much I care for Reed and will do anything for him.
He begrudgingly agreed to give me one week. One week until he tells Reed what he knows. Unless we figure it out before that.
The press will be waiting for Reed to announce his decisions over the commissioners of the agencies. And anyone who knows him and who has followed his campaign will know he’s organized. They’ll expect him to announce it fast. For it to take too long will arouse the blackmailer’s suspicions. They might assume I’ve failed.
It’s better that they don’t think I’m an option at all.
It’s the only way.
I texted Reed earlier to tell him how much I miss him. Then he called, and we spoke on the phone. Hearing his voice caused my emotions to come pouring out of me, which will only make what I must do even harder. He’ll be suspicious over why I seem to have a sudden change of heart about us. But it’s better for him to think I’m having doubts, rather than…
I squeeze my eyes shut as I force away the threat of more tears that burns along my lower lashes. Then I swallow down the creeping nausea that’s taken over my stomach. I’m lying to myself. I can tell myself I am just buying time. If it makes it easier, then I can lie to myself. But I know that once I leave, I won’t be able to come back. Even if Griffin can find out who sent the video, they may have copies. There’s nothing to stop them from releasing it one day, coming back to try and use me as a weapon against Reed. Target my love for him and taint it until I agree to their demands to protect him.
This is for the best.
I’m making the only decision I can right now, in an impossible situation.
Now I just need to decide how to do it.
How do I break up with the only man I have ever been in love with?
