I should be floating on a cloud of bliss, having more orgasms than I ever thought possible in a twenty-four-hour period, but I’m not.
Guilt wracks me as I think back to what we just did. I let him come inside me—again. Not only did I let him, but I wanted it. I wanted to tie myself to him. Bind us together despite everything I’ve read in that damn journal.
I groan, wishing I could turn back time and stop myself from reading the thing.
I was only a quarter of the way through when Austin came home, and I had to quickly stash the book in the pantry so as not to get caught red-handed.
It’s obvious his late wife had been cheating on him and I’m thinking that’s why he was so angry the first time he took me up against a wall.
Is that all this is to him? A way of getting her back even after death?
If it were, then his words of adoration wouldn’t make a lick of sense.
My mind is lost, trying to make logic from the mush in my head when the kids come running into the kitchen.
“Alex took my dolly!” Amanda is screeching at the top of her lungs.
“I needed it for my experiment. Consider it a sacrifice for the greater good,” Alex snickers.
I run my hands down the front of my apron, turning to face them. “Kids, you know the rules. You can’t take things that don’t belong to you without asking.”
A ball of lead forms in my stomach, the hypocrisy of my words not lost on me. I did no such thing when taking Blanca’s journal and reading it for myself.
Alex sighs, “Fine, but now your doll won’t be famous for being the first one ever to fly on my special aircraft.”
“I don’t care. They’re stupid anyway.” Amanda rips the doll from her brother’s hand.
“Language,” Austin admonishes as he strolls into the kitchen in all his morning glory.
My mouth goes dry as I take him in. He looks edible with his mussed hair and pajama pants so low they expose that deep v that leads down to that monster cock of his. Lucky for me, he’s yet to put on a shirt, his broad chest decorated with art that only serves to accentuate his defined muscles.
“Anaya?” Amanda’s small hand is tugging at my apron, breaking me from my spell.
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“Can you fix her? Alex ruined her hair with this goo.” She’s pouting, looking down at her doll covered in slime.
Turning toward Alex, he simply shrugs. “It made her aerodynamic. Her crazy hair before had been slowing down my speed.”
Austin places a hand on his son’s shoulder. “Alex, what have I said about messing with your sister’s things?”
“I know. I know. Anaya already told us. No taking things that don’t belong to us without asking first.”
God, hearing it from his little mouth makes me cringe, the guilt seeping in deeper and making me feel worse than I already do.
Not only am I a cheater like Ray, but now I’m a cheater like Blanca too. I’m no better than those two, which begs to question, should I be trying harder with Ray? Am I not the same as him now?
I vowed to love him through thick and thin—isn’t that what this is? The thin?
I’m turned back to the sink, rinsing the doll’s hair when Austin comes up behind me, pressing his hips into my ass, that delicious length of him pulsing between my cheeks and seeking entry despite the layers of clothing.
“Morning, baby. Why’d you let me sleep in?” He’s caged me in, both hands at either side of me on the counter as he whispers into the crook of my neck. As if that weren’t enough, he runs his nose along the sensitive flesh and inhales deeply, the action making me shiver all over.
“Austin. The kids,” I whisper, trying to turn and break his hold, but he’s not allowing it.
“They’re back in the living room. And so what if they see? The more I think about it, the surer I am that this is where you belong, and I’m not talking about you just being the nanny.”
His words give me pause. He might be sure, but I’m not. He’s already been through so much, the last thing he needs is playing house with yet another cheater.
“Is she clean yet?” Amanda comes bounding back in and Austin finally releases me, but not before quickly grinding against my ass, the action making me bite back a moan.
Despite my reservation, I’m only human and that man makes my lady bits sing. Every. Single. Time.
“Sure is.” I hand the doll back to Amanda. “Though she’s a little soaked.” Much like my panties.
“That’s okay. I’ll just pretend she’s been at the creek with all of her friends.” Amanda holds the doll up, twirling her around before she runs back out of the kitchen.
As soon as she’s cleared the archway, Austin’s hand issues a quick slap to my ass. “Give me ten minutes and then we’re taking the kids over to your mom. We have training to go over.”
My eyes shoot up. “Training?”
“Yes. We talked about this yesterday. There’s no way I’m letting you near a wild card without some form of protection.”
“Ah. Okay, I remember.”
He gives me a blinding smile before swiftly pressing his lips to mine; the action catching me by surprise. Austin pulls back, chuckling as he walks out of the kitchen as if what he just did was no big deal. “Get used to it, baby girl. Now that I’ve had you, I don’t see myself letting you go.”
I’m left standing there, gaping after him, wishing that what he said was true. But there’s so much more to our dynamic than mere want. There are duties and promises that were made, not to mention a conscience that’s driving me insane. I could be pregnant now, for goodness’ sake, and the father wouldn’t be the man I’m legally tied to.
With a groan, I bury my face in my hands and pray that I’m guided to where and what I’m supposed to be. Because as things stand, I have no damn clue.
“YOU READY?” Austin’s hunter green eyes are staring me down as we stand in front of a miniature armory.
“Wow. Are all of these yours?”
“They belong to the family. Years ago, when Jack started the ranch, we all put in a substantial investment amount, knowing that this would be where we would bring our families when we eventually retired. Part of that was making sure this place was safe, and part of that safety is lying here before you.”
My brows raise. “Well, I can safely say you’d be able to defend a small army with all of this.”
Austin gives me a soft smile. “Don’t worry, baby girl. You don’t need to learn how to use all of this.” He takes my hand and slides a ring onto my ring finger, his eyes turning molten before his eyes go back down to the rounded metal and flipping open what looked to be a small medallion. “This is a safety ring. If you ever find yourself in trouble, simply press this and I’ll come find you. Wherever you are.”
I swallow thickly, trying not to read into the fact that he placed it right where my wedding band used to go.
“Do you understand me, Anaya?” His intense eyes are back on mine, waiting for my acknowledgment.
“Yes. I push, you come.”
Austin smiles at that. “That’s an oversimplified way of saying it, but yes. You hold the power to make me come. Whenever, wherever.”
The double entendre isn’t missed, making my body turn heated. It’s too much that I have to look away, only saying a quick ‘thank you.’
Austin clears his throat and turns to the table in front of us. “Okay. As far as active protection, you’ll need to take a taser and this gun of pepper spray.” He takes out a pink gun looking thing, but it’s holding a tube. “All you have to do is unlatch the safety, point, and shoot. Make sure to direct it at the assailant’s face. As soon as you’ve hit your target, run. Don’t stop. Don’t look back. Just run.”
“Got it. Unlock safety, point, shoot, and run.”
“Good girl.” Austin pulls me in by the waist, his lips falling to the top of my head and pressing a kiss there.
It’s no surprise now that his praise melts me. I live for it, but I sure as hell don’t deserve it. I’m far from good. Even being here in his arms like this is wrong.
Pressing both hands to his chest, I push off and he lets me. “Is that all?”
Austin’s brows press together. “No, there are some evasive maneuvers I’d like to teach you in case you ever get into a situation where your assailant is on you.” His face turns stormy, a myriad of emotions playing out behind his eyes. “But first there’s something I need to tell you.”
My stomach drops, and as much as I’d been telling myself this could never be, the thought of him telling me this to my face makes me want to die. If there ever was a come to Jesus moment over my feelings about Austin, this is it. It’s clear as day that I want him for more than just a night. I want him for the long run.
“I need to head back to Mexico with Jack.” His eyes are laser focused on mine, trying to read my emotions—my emotions that have now hit an all-time low.
I’m sputtering. A million questions wanting to come out all at once. “But—but, what about the kids? You just got back. Is it safe? How long will you be?”
“Shhh, baby. It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.” Austin rubs his hands up and down my arms as he brings me close to him once more. “It’s only for a couple of days, and it’s as safe as it’s ever going to be. We’re visiting Pen’s biological father, needing to handle some family business. Think of it as our version of closure.” He’s raising a brow now, probably thinking of my closure with Ray.
Yes, I know I’m in no position to demand anything from him, but I still worry. And as if reading my mind, Austin smooths a hand over the back of my head, speaking past my silence.
“Baby, I promise it’s nothing you need to worry yourself over. Jace, Hunter, and Matt will stay on the property, and we’ll also be leaving behind one of WRATH’s best security team.”
I nod, letting my head fall to Austin’s chest and accepting the comfort he’s giving me. Even though he’s saying it’s safe, I can’t help but worry. I know I can’t have him, not really, but that doesn’t mean that my heart won’t shatter if something were to happen to this incredible man. And the kids… God, the kids. They’re not going to take this well.
“How long until you’re back.” I tilt my head, looking up at him.
“Just a couple of days. And I’ll video chat every night. I promise.” His eyes are staring into mine, trying to impart his truth, but it doesn’t feel like enough. I need more. I need him here.
It’s selfish. I know it is. He’s not even mine to have. I belong to another, and I’ve gone way past being even, stepping into all new territory with my infidelity. Some might even argue that it’s an outright affair. But as his strong arms hold me, his chest rising and falling on mine, ask me if I care.
I don’t. Not when his scent envelops me and the beating of his heart is in rhythm with my own. I might not get to keep him, but I’ll let myself enjoy him while I can.
