I YANK MY rubber band out, letting my hair loose as I rub my scalp where she tried to pull my hair.
“Krisjen?” Coach yells. “Amy?”
Both of my friends stand in the hotel room, muddy cleats in hand and their ponytails hanging by a prayer.
I glare at Liv, watching her stand there all calm, relaxed, and bored across the room, like this is all just a waste of her time. Like she barely knows I exist. Bitch.
I fold my arms over my chest, the tension like an electrical current. I’m going to kill her. Thank God my parents decided to not come tonight.
Coomer’s eyes dart between Liv and me as she speaks to Amy and Krisjen. “Shower in Audrey’s room and take everything you need,” she orders them. “You won’t be back for a while.”
Amy hesitates for a moment, pressed into a quick decision at a moment’s notice about what outfit to grab, or all the makeup she’ll need tonight, but then she sees Krisjen just grab her whole overnight bag and backpack, and she does the same. Taking all their gear, hands full, they leave the room, their shit banging against the door as they go.
This is bullshit. I glare at Jaeger. She did this on purpose. Must’ve been a hoot when she’d found out the coach benched me. She just had to come back to see that, didn’t she? And what did it get us? A forfeited game for unsportsmanlike conduct. She fucked us and got the last laugh.
But just as the door closes behind Krisjen and Amy, and I brace myself for some useless lecture, Coach turns and immediately follows the girls, leaving Liv and me.
“Wait!” I step toward her. “What are you doing?”
Liv stays rooted by the window.
Coomer turns her head over her shoulder, pulling open the door. “Sort it out,” she tells us. “I don’t care how you do it or if it takes all night, but you’re roomies now, so take all the time you need.”
“Are you kidding?” I burst out.
No fucking way. I can’t…
Not all night. The team is supposed to go out.
My stomach drops, and I barely hear the coach tell us, “You’re both eighteen now. Don’t test me on how much worse the consequences get from here on out regarding assault. Do not leave this room.” And then she points to Liv. “You’re still a student.”
Which means, she can still tell Liv what to do, considering this is a school-sanctioned trip, and her family would assume she was in a teacher’s care. Legal adult or not, Coomer’s responsible for us.
Coach slams the door, and I watch Liv swipe her cell phone from the bed. She dials, holding the phone to her ear as she digs in a bag Krisjen left, taking out a change of clothes.
I hear someone talk in Liv’s ear, and then she says. “Come to Cross and get me.” She snatches jeans, a bra, and a tank top from the bag. “I’m at the Marriott.”
I shake my head. “Yeah, by all means,” I tell her. “Get expelled and solve all our problems.”
I mean, technically, a whole stadium saw me attack her, so no one would fault her for refusing to stay locked in this room with me. She has every right to leave.
She almost looks at me, but casts her eyes back to her task. “Trace?” she says, trying to get her brother’s attention.
“She’s not joking, Liv!” I yell. “She’ll expel us for that stunt on the field just now! We can’t leave!”
Her eyes finally flash to mine, but only for a second. Her brother says something.
“You just want to see me suffer,” she tells him.
“No, I want you to get our fucking flag back!” he shouts.
And she pulls the phone away from her ear and stares at it for a second before tossing it on the bed. He hung up on her.
I almost smile. In her rush to leave Marymount and prove something to us, she’d forgotten about that.
“I doubt you can hide an expulsion from Dartmouth,” I remind her, content that no one is coming to pick her up.
She brushes past me, carrying her clothes. “What do you care?”
“I don’t,” I fire back. “I care about the team, and as much as it pisses me off, you’re the only one who can seem to perform up to a standard, so let’s get each other past this so you can come back to school, back to the team, and we can finish the year out amicably before we never have to see each other again.”
“I’m not going back to that school.”
And then she disappears into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door.
I stand there, still in my uniform, cold and covered in dirt and grass from the fight.
I reach out, putting my palm on the door. “And the play?” I ask, knowing that graduating from a top-notch prep school wasn’t the only thing keeping her at Marymount. We have the funds for the arts, unlike a lot of the public schools. “I hear you’re Callum’s understudy. The possibility of a major role? What you’ve been waiting for? Is she really more important than all the things you used to want?”
She’s silent for a moment, and then I hear, “Who?”
I pull my head up, staring through the door. “Don’t waste my time. I’m smarter than you think.”
It takes a few seconds, but the door swings open and Liv stands there in some faded black skinny jeans, white top, and her hair loose and looking like it hasn’t been combed in days.
“Martelle?” she asks, looking almost amused.
I back up a little, thankful for her calm tone for once. “It makes it easier, not being at school, doesn’t it?” I point out. “You both won’t be tempted to meet. You can keep your hookups secret. She can keep her job.”
Liv blinks, and then something crosses her eyes.
Laughter.
“Um, yeah.” She nods. “You nailed it.” She steps into the room, walking to the bed and putting her dirty clothes in the duffel bag. “She thought it would be best. It was just too hard, not wanting each other all the time, you know?”
I lean against the door to the room, watching her. “You’re still a student.”
“As everyone likes to remind me.”
“And I can still have her fired.”
She laughs under her breath, still tending to her bag and not sparing me eye contact. “Well, that would be one way to ensure I never return to Marymount, Clay.”
Son of a bitch . I shoot out and kick the lamp on the little table next to the couch. It crashes to the ground, the shade popping off, the bulb shattering, and the room dims. “Well, go, then!” I growl, blinking through the tears in my eyes. “Just go! I didn’t ask you to come back for this game!”
“Yeah, benched.” She moves toward me like a snake. “Doing so well on your own, weren’t you?”
“Of course, I was,” I grit out. “I’m me. Oh, the arrogance to believe this has anything to do with you.”
“Oh, I think something does.” She advances on me until I hit the wall, pressing her palms on either side of my head. “There’s a reason you hate me so much. Why? Let’s finally fucking have it out. Why have you always hated me?”
“Because you’re nasty!” I blurt out, smelling the shampoo in her hair. “It’s simple. The most basic human function is to reproduce, and you don’t do that with another girl. You’re fucked in the head. It’s not what we’re built for.”
“Wanna see what I was built for?”
And she moves in, but I push her back. “You’re disgusting.”
“And you’re miserable.” She slams her hand against the wall near my head again. “You’re a miserable human being, Clay.”
“At least I don’t fuck anything that comes along.” I glare into her eyes, two inches from her nose. “You really think you’re happy? Throwing yourself at anyone just to pass the time? You hate me, too. You know why? Because I don’t need anyone. I may be pissy and spoiled and mean, but I don’t need anyone!”
“You need this,” she retorts.
This? The fighting or…? “No, I don’t.”
“Oh, yes you do,” she whispers, but her tone is hard. “You need this so fucking bad you fell apart when I left school, didn’t you? Nothing to play with anymore, which is exactly why I did it!”
I shake my head. No, I…
“I didn’t let you win,” she tells me. “I simply removed myself from an environment that I hated. That didn’t deserve me. That offered me nothing.”
Tears well in my eyes, and I see her chin tremble.
“I got my credits,” she continues, holding back tears. “I got into Dartmouth, and I didn’t need any of that shit anymore. You weren’t worth the fight.” She grabs my collar. “You were worth nothing!”
I shove at her, but she keeps hold and so do I. “None of us are, right? Jaeger for herself, right? Go, then. Get the fuck out of here! Go!”
“I will!” she cries. “I’m leaving, Clay. And I’m not coming back!”
I gasp, nearly choking on my breath as my knees give out and I slide down the wall.
She follows. “I’m leaving.”
No. A sob lodges in my throat.
“I’m going,” she says.
I shake my head. No…
“And I’m never coming back!” Her shout rings in my ears, and in a moment, she’s going to rise, walk out the door, and she’ll never come back, because Liv doesn’t lie. She’s stubborn and strong and a survivor, and she never lies.
Knots twist so hard, they snap in my gut, vomit rises up my throat, and I squeeze my eyes shut, tears spilling down. I push her away and rush into the bathroom, dropping to my knees and heaving over the toilet. I cough, sputter, and choke, feeling it coming up, but the only thing that does is a cry too agonizing to hear.
Oh, God.
She can’t go. She can’t. I can’t…
Resting my elbows on the seat, I hold my head in my hands as lumps of something fill my throat and my stomach quivers.
And then… I feel something warm cover my back, arms wrap around my body, and hands tip my chin back and wipe the hair away from my face.
I tense, instinct telling me to push her, but all I want is her. She holds me to her, and I fall back, collapsing in her arms, crying. “You weren’t supposed to leave,” I murmur. “You weren’t supposed to give up on me.”
“Shhhh…” She smooths my hair back.
I keep my eyes closed, the tension easing from my face, my head swimming as the warmth and gentleness of her touch lulls me.
“You were the one who wasn’t supposed to leave.”
Everyone else gave up.
She holds me for a while, and I don’t know if it’s her or me, but the hold gets tighter. And tighter.
“What are you doing?” she whispers in my ear, and I feel the tears on her cheeks. “What are you doing to me, Clay?”
And I realize she’s not holding me. She’s holding onto me, because I’m not the only one alone.
“What do you need?” she asks. “Tell me what you need.”
“Just this,” I tell her. “Just don’t move, Liv. Please don’t leave.”
My parents give me whatever I want, because they don’t want the fight. My mother doesn’t have it in her to raise me anymore, and my father finds his time is better spent elsewhere. Liv was all I had left. I wanted to hurt her, so I could matter.
I live for her, an enemy I never wanted to defeat. A fight I never wanted to end.
But, God, her arms. The feel of her. Her voice.
More.
Opening my eyes, I look up at her, wiping my tears. “I changed my mind,” I tell her as she looks down at me. “I think I need carbs.”
