In my defense, I had a good reason for breaking a guy’s nose and inadvertently starting a club fight. The dickhead had grabbed Ava’s ass and started grinding on her even after she said no and tried to push him off. When my and Stella’s attempts at intervention also failed, I did what I had to do. I tapped his shoulder, waited for him to turn around, and sucker punched him in the face.
His friends had jumped into the fray, and, well, you can guess where it went from there.
In the US, the incident would’ve ended with us thrown out of the club, but Eldorra’s strict public disturbance laws landed all of us, Dickhead and friends included, in the lovely county jail.
“At least Br—our other friend wasn’t with us,” I said, opting for optimism. “That would’ve been a mess.”
Ava and Stella murmured in agreement.
Bridget was a common Eldorran name, but I erred on the side of caution in case the officer leading us toward the exit pieced two and two together. Then again, we’d had to provide our real names when we were booked. If anyone on staff paid attention to the tabloids, they would recognize us as Bridget’s bridesmaids, no matter how good a job the makeup artist had done in disguising us.
I adjusted my brunette wig. Between the wig, my colored contacts, and the makeup artist’s mind-blowing skills, I barely recognized myself or my friends. It’d allowed us to enjoy the club in peace until Bridget left early because she had a morning interview with Vogue Eldorra. However, she’d insisted we stay and party given it was our last night of “freedom” before the wedding insanity.
At the time, it’d seemed like a good idea. Now, after three hours of detainment and the prospect of facing a furious Josh, it seemed like a monumental mistake.
Anxiety speared my stomach as we stepped into the reception area.
We’d used our one phone call on Josh, asking him to bail us out. Well, Ava had. She could’ve called Alex, but she was worried he’d freak out, so she’d phoned her brother instead while she figured out how to explain the situation to her boyfriend. Josh would also freak out, but to a lesser extent than Alex.
As it turned out, we needn’t have gone through the trouble.
Alex and Josh both waited in the exit area, their faces carved with tension.
“Are you okay?” Alex crossed the room in two long strides and gripped Ava’s arms. Worry blazed in his eyes as he searched her for injuries.
Luckily, other than my swollen knuckles, Dickhead’s broken nose, and a couple of bruised egos, we’d escaped unscathed.
“I’m fine,” Ava reassured him. “Really.”
Alex’s lips pressed together, but he didn’t say anything else as we exited the building and climbed into the town car waiting outside.
Thick silence muffled the luxurious interior while Ava, Stella, and I removed our disguises and wiped off our makeup using the baby wipes I’d stashed in my clutch. The makeup artist had contoured my nose into a different shape, added an alarmingly realistic mole on my upper lip, and drawn thicker, darker eyebrows that matched my wig. Watching the mask melt away in the car’s window reflection as I scrubbed a wipe over my face was a bit surreal.
Josh and Alex hadn’t said a word about our disguises when they saw us, and they didn’t say anything now as we took them off.
Alarm prickled my stomach. Usually, Josh would be the first to make a smartass comment, so his silence didn’t bode well.
Alex spoke again halfway to our hotel. “What,” he said, his voice so chilly it triggered a rash of goosebumps on my arms, “the hell happened?”
My friends and I exchanged glances. Ava gave Josh a brief rundown earlier, but he didn’t know the details, and we couldn’t tell Alex the truth.
“Some guy groped me, and I punched him,” I said, taking creative liberty with the truth. “It escalated from there. Who knew Eldorra had such strict laws about club fights?”
Ava cast a startled glance in my direction. She opened her mouth, but I frowned and flicked my eyes at Alex.
She closed her mouth, though she didn’t look happy about it. She knew as well as I did that if Alex found out some guy had groped her, he would commit murder, and we didn’t need that kind of bloodshed two days before Bridget’s wedding.
A shadow passed over Josh’s face at my reply, but he stayed silent.
“I see.” Alex’s expression was unreadable, but he smoothed a stray strand of hair out of Ava’s eye with more gentleness than I thought him capable of. “How does the other guy look?”
I cracked a smile. “I broke his nose.”
A hint of a smirk filled Alex’s mouth before it flattened again. “Good. I paid a significant sum of money to wipe those police charges off your records, so it better have been worth it.”
He pulled Ava closer to him and kissed the top of her head while she curled up against his side. He whispered something in her ear, and she murmured something back that eased the tension in his shoulders.
It was a casual, domestic scene. Nothing extraordinary. Yet it triggered a longing so fierce and unexpected I had to turn away.
I firmly believed people didn’t need a significant other to be happy. If someone wanted to be in a relationship, great. If they didn’t, also great. The same went for children, marriage, etc. There were no universal barometers for happiness. A person’s life could be just as fulfilling without a romantic partner as it was with one.
But there were times, like now, when I yearned to experience that kind of unconditional love. To have someone care for me through the good, the bad, and the inevitable mistakes I made.
What would it be like to be loved so deeply by someone I wouldn’t have to worry about every little move possibly driving them away?
“No, no, no!” My mom ripped the curling iron from my hand. “Look at this mess you made.” She gestured at the curls I’d spent the past hour perfecting. “Alastair will be here soon, and I look like I’m wearing a rat’s nest on my head. How many times do I have to teach you how to do this? What good is it having a daughter if you can’t do one simple thing right?”
My teeth dug into my bottom lip. “But I did it exactly like you—”
“Don’t talk back to me.” Adeline dropped the still-hot iron on the table and yanked a brush through her hair with sharp, hard strokes, undoing all my work. “You did this on purpose, didn’t you? You want me to be ugly.” Her eyes welled with tears. “Now I have to fix your mess.”
My teeth dug harder into my lip until the coppery taste of blood filled my mouth. She didn’t look like a mess at all. She looked beautiful, as always. My mom wasn’t as young as in the beauty pageant pictures she displayed all over the house, but her skin was still smooth and unlined. Her hair was a rich auburn, and her body was the envy of every woman in town.
Everyone said I looked like her, especially now that my skin had cleared and I’d finally graduated to a real bra. Boys were starting to pay attention to me, including Billy Welch, the cutest boy in my eighth-grade class.
I thought my mom would be happy I looked like her, but every time someone mentioned it, her face darkened, and she’d make an excuse to leave.
“Go. I don’t want to look at you anymore.” Adeline’s eyes raked over me from head to toe. Her anger multiplied until it became a tangible, snarling monster in the room. “Go!”
The tears finally spilled down my cheeks.
I ran out of her room and into mine. I slammed the door behind me and crawled into my bed, where I tried to muffle my cries with my pillows. Our walls were so thin she could probably hear me, and my mom hated when I cried. She said it was unbecoming.
My hiccupping sobs filled the room.
She was right to be mad. She had a big date with the richest man in town, who could take care of all our money troubles if they got married like she wanted.
What if I ruined it by messing up her hair? What if he broke up with her and she hated me forever for it?
My mom and I used to be best friends, but I couldn’t do anything right these days, and she kept getting mad at me.
After I ran out of tears to cry, I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and took a deep, shuddering breath.
It’s okay. It’ll be okay.
Next time, I’ll do her hair right. Then my mom will love me again. I was sure of it.
I blinked back the burn in my eyes at the memory.
My phone buzzed against my thigh as we pulled up to the hotel. My stomach cramped when a candid photo of me arriving in Athenberg popped up. Some dipshit at the airport must’ve taken it.
Max: Saw this on a gossip blog. Looking good, J.
Max: But we both know you’ve always looked good on camera
I hated these “casual” texts more than I hated Max’s overtly threatening ones. They were a constant reminder of his presence in my life. Every time I relaxed an inch, another one popped up, setting me on edge again.
Of course, that was his intention. Max wanted to torture me with the uncertainty, and he was fucking succeeding.
I wiped my clammy palms against the sides of my thighs as I exited the car and entered the hotel. Alex, Josh, Ava, Stella, and I rode the elevator up to our floor in silence, and my friends had already disappeared into their rooms when Josh’s voice stopped me in my tracks.
“I want to talk to you for a second.”
I stiffened, my stomach cramping again for an entirely different reason. The last thing I needed was to get yelled at by Josh, of all people.
Still, I stepped into his suite without protest, and the door shut behind us with a soft click.
We were taking a huge risk, considering our close call with Ava earlier that day, but that was the least of my worries right now.
Josh didn’t say a word, but he didn’t need to. His silent judgment pricked at me, familiar and stinging.
I could guess what he was thinking.
That it was my fault. That I was a bad influence. That I’d dragged Ava into trouble yet again.
It was always my fault.
“Just say it.” I stared at the dark flat-screen TV hanging on the wall, taking in my messy hair and tired face. This night turned out to be a total nightmare. My only consolation was that Bridget left before shit went downhill so she didn’t have the added stress before her wedding.
My chin wobbled when Josh closed in enough for his body heat to envelop me.
“Are you okay?” he asked quietly. He cupped the back of my neck and rubbed small circles with his thumb.
Pressure ballooned in my chest at his touch. “Yep.”
“Jules, look at me.”
I pressed my lips together and shook my head, afraid doing so would destroy the flimsy dam holding my tears back.
“Jules.” Josh stepped in front of me and grasped my chin between his thumb and forefinger. He tilted it up, forcing me to meet his eyes. Visible concern eroded his granite mask. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I’m tired and I want to sleep, so just yell at me like you always do and get it over with.”
Surprise coasted through his eyes. “What are you talking about?”
I rubbed my arms, wishing I’d worn something more substantial than my green silk minidress. “Tonight. Ava got arrested because of me, I’m a bad influence, etc. I’m familiar with the script by now. You’ve never thought I was good enough.”
A muscle ticked along the line of his strong jaw. “I never said that.”
“But you were thinking it.”
Josh dropped his hand and rubbed it over his face. “I’ll admit, when I received Ava’s call, I was pissed that you guys had gotten into trouble again, but more than that, I was worried. Not only about her…” His voice dropped. “But also about you.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why do you care?”
Silence hummed in the space between us, so taut it threatened to snap at any second.
Josh’s Adam’s apple bobbed with the force of his swallow, but he didn’t reply.
My heart twisted. Right. That was what I thought.
“You don’t have to pretend to care just because we’re having sex.”
Fake concern was a thousand times worse than no concern at all, because fake concern gave way to false hope, and false hope destroyed souls. It was one of the biggest lessons I’d learned in my early years. All the times I thought someone cared about me when they only wanted something from me, and when they got it, they tossed me aside without a second thought. Until, of course, they needed something again.
“I heard what you said,” I added through the lump in my throat. “To Ava.”
A frown creased Josh’s brow. “What are you talking about?”
“Freshman year. Our dorm.” Part of me was embarrassed, bringing up something from so long ago, but the moment had clung to me like ivy, its poison slowly eating away at me over the years. “I heard you tell her to stop being friends with me.”
I hitched the strap of my bag higher on my shoulder as I walked down the hall toward my room. My professor had an emergency and couldn’t make it to campus, so I had an extra hour to kill. Maybe I could check out one of the indie bookstores near campus after I dropped off my textbook.
Outside, gray clouds threatened rain, and there was nothing cozier than browsing a bookstore during a rainstorm. I could already hear the quiet flip of pages and smell the uniquely sweet musk of old books.
I stopped outside my room and fished my key card out of my bag, but before I could open the door, a deep voice floated through the thin wood.
“Why can’t you switch roommates? I’m sure the housing office will accommodate you once you explain the situation with Jules.”
I froze, my heart suddenly pounding too fast for comfort.
“Because I don’t want to switch roommates, Josh.” Ava’s firm refusal warmed some of the chill on my skin. “She’s my friend.”
“You’ve only known her for two months, and she’s already getting you into trouble,” Josh argued. “Look at what happened with the clock tower.”
Heat prickled my face. Maybe sneaking into Thayer’s off-limits clock tower to drink wasn’t the best idea, but it’d been fun, and Ava had wanted to do something crazy. Plus, campus security released us with a slap on the wrist after they caught us, so we hadn’t gotten into huge trouble or anything.
“She didn’t make me go there at gunpoint,” Ava said. “What is your problem with Jules? You’ve been on her case since you met her.”
“Because I look at her and I already know she’s trouble waiting to happen. Hell, she’s trouble that already happened.” Josh sighed. “Yes, you’re roommates, but you barely know her. You can make other friends, Ava. She’s bad news. You don’t need someone like that in your life.”
I’d heard enough.
I spun on my heels and speed-walked toward the exit, hurt blooming in my chest before it gave way to anger.
Fuck Josh. We’d interacted maybe four times, and he was already passing judgment on me based on one incident.
He didn’t know me like he thought he did. But I already knew I hated him.
Josh’s tan leached of color. “That was seven years ago,” he said in a low voice. “People change. So do opinions.”
“Did yours? Because until we started having sex, you treated me the same as you did in college.”
He flinched. “Look, I shouldn’t have said what I said, but I…I’m protective of Ava, especially after what happened when we were kids. You know as well as I do how trusting she is, and sometimes, she trusts the wrong people. I know now you’re not one of them, but I barely knew you back then. I was worried, and I overreacted.”
“What about the years after that?” I couldn’t shake the sting from the memory. “You’ve never liked me.”
“Because you didn’t like me!” Josh pushed a hand through his hair. He was close enough I could feel the frustration pouring off him. “We got caught in this cycle of insulting and hating each other, and I didn’t know how to break it.”
“So what changed? Besides sex.”
“It’s not…” He faltered, and the lump in my throat magnified.
“Exactly.” Don’t cry. Don’t cry. “Stop with the fake concern, Josh. It’s disingenuous.”
His nostrils flared, and for the first time that night, anger glinted in his eyes. “For someone who’s so pissed about me making assumptions about her, you’re making an awful fuck lotta assumptions about me.”
“It doesn’t mean they’re wrong.”
I didn’t finish speaking before Josh closed the distance between us and crashed his mouth over mine. I clutched his arms, willing the ache in my chest away even as my body responded to his.
“Is that what you want, then?” he growled against my lips. “Just sex, no feelings?”
“That was always the plan.” I injected forced lightness into my tone. “Unless you’re not up for it.”
“It’s like you live to piss me off, Red.” His grip turned to steel around my wrists before he released them. “Get on your knees.”
By the time my knees hit the carpet, he’d already undid his belt and pants, and heat coiled in my belly.
This. This was what I was comfortable with.
Not deep conversations or friendship or hope for some type of future. Just sex. It was all I’d ever given, and all anyone wanted from me.
I closed my eyes when Josh entered me, losing myself to the sensations of his body moving over mine. He played me like the world’s most erotic song, and despite the high emotion of the night, I still came with enough force to temporarily wipe my mind blank.
But when the orgasmic bliss floated away, the pressure behind my ribcage returned, stronger than ever.
Josh’s harsh breaths sounded deafening in the silence, and a crazy, horrifying part of me wanted to stay here and listen to him breathe forever.
“Get off me.”
We were both still on the floor. His body caged mine, and I could feel his every inhale and exhale against my back.
“Jules…” His raw voice scraped against my shredded nerves.
This was a mistake. Everything was a mistake.
“I said get off me.” I shoved him off and scrambled to my feet, straightening my clothes with trembling hands.
Josh watched me, his face taut with regret and something else I couldn’t identify, but he didn’t say a word when I left.
I waited until I returned to my room and stepped into the shower before I collapsed beneath the weight of the night.
The arrest, Max, Josh, everything. It all barreled into me until I sank onto the floor and curled my knees up to my chest, letting myself truly cry for the first time in years.
My tears mingled with the water, and I stayed there until the shower ran cold and there was nothing left except for silence.
