My hospital visit was a blur of tests and examinations. I had a cut on my head, several nasty bruises, a shoulder sprain, and a mild concussion, but otherwise, I was pretty lucky. It could’ve been so much worse.
Despite my concussion, I opted to finish the bar exam the next day. I just wanted to get it over with. Plus, it was multiple choice; if worse came to worse, I could bubble something in and pray for the best.
I handed in my test and returned the administrator’s smile with a tired one of my own.
It was done. The results were out of my hands now.
I wouldn’t know whether or not I’d passed until October, so I might as well celebrate by sleeping for the next, oh, seventy-two hours.
Exhaustion weighed down my limbs as I exited the exam room, but now that the test was over, I couldn’t stop replaying yesterday’s hospital visit in my head.
Obviously, I knew Josh worked in the ER, but I hadn’t expected him to see him for some reason.
My heart twisted at the memory of his cold, clinical examination. I didn’t think he would rush to my side and forgive me just because I was injured, but I’d expected a little more…warmth? Empathy? Instead, he’d treated me like I was just another patient he didn’t personally know.
Polite and competent, but emotionally detached.
Don’t think about it. Not now.
Getting too caught up in my head was what screwed me over yesterday; if I hadn’t been so distracted, Max wouldn’t have been able to surprise me like that.
Cold sweat broke out on my skin. I didn’t think he’d be stupid enough to come back a second day in a row, but desperate people did desperate things. I imagined his “friends” weren’t happy he’d lost the painting, and he wanted revenge for what happened in his hotel.
I’d underestimated his capability for physical violence.
Then again, if there was one recurring theme in my life, it was that people were never who I thought they were.
I quickened my steps so I could squeeze into the elevator before the doors closed. It was packed shoulder-to-shoulder and smelled faintly of tuna and body odor, but it was still better than the stairwell. You couldn’t pay me enough money to take the stairs again.
I hitched my bag higher on my shoulder, taking solace in the pepper spray and taser sitting inside it. I’d borrowed them from Stella, who’d kept them on hand since her short-lived but terrifying episode with a stalker last year.
As a well-known influencer, she dealt with her fair share of creeps, but that guy had crossed the line. He’d sent her disgusting letters detailing what he wanted to do to her and messaged her candid photos of herself around town, which freaked her out so much she’d gone to the police. They hadn’t been any help at all, but luckily, the stalker stopped contacting her after a few weeks and she hadn’t heard from him since.
I was the only person who knew about it since we lived together. If Stella hadn’t been concerned about the guy showing up at our house, she wouldn’t have even told me. She had a bad habit of keeping all her problems to herself.
The elevator doors slid open.
Thank God.
I liked tuna; I did not like the smell of it mixed with B.O. and half a dozen different perfumes.
I walked across the lobby, eager to return home and binge another pint of ice cream. I’d inhaled so much Ben & Jerry’s over the past week I was surprised I hadn’t ballooned out of my clothes.
I’d almost reached the exit when two words stopped me in my tracks.
“Hey, Red.”
My pulse spiked at the sound of that nickname, in that voice, here…
No. It can’t be.
My mind was playing tricks on me again. There was no way Josh was here after the way he’d treated me yesterday.
A messy knot of emotion tangled in my throat.
Several people brushed past me and shot me strange looks. I was rooted to my spot on the marble floor, and I wanted to move. I really did. But my body refused to comply, and all I could do was stare at the exit, both longing to reach it and happy to stay in my bubble of delusion forever.
What if it was him? What if he was here? What if…
A shadow sliced across the sun-drenched floor before a body moved in front of me and blocked the exit from view.
I slowly raised my eyes, skimming over the T-shirt-clad chest, broad shoulders, and tense jaw before I met Josh’s eyes.
My heart whimpered like a wounded animal eager for comfort from the only person capable of providing it.
“I wasn’t sure if you heard me.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets. His brows were drawn tight over worried eyes, but a tentative smile played on his mouth. “How did the test go?”
“I—fine.” I couldn’t wrap my head around what was happening. It was too surreal.
Josh might as well be a different person from yesterday, and I wasn’t just talking about the one-eighty in his attitude. Gone was the clean-cut doctor; in its place was someone gruffer, more world-weary. Stubble shadowed his cheeks and jaw, his skin had taken on a pallid case, and his hair looked like he’d raked his fingers through it a thousand times. Regret filled his eyes and sent my stomach tumbling off a cliff.
There was only one thing he could be regretting, and—
Don’t go there.
I bit the inside of my cheek until a coppery taste filled my mouth. I refused to get my hopes up only for him to crush them again.
“Can we go somewhere to talk?” Josh stepped to the side to let another person pass. “I have…” He paused, his throat flexing with a hard swallow. “I have something I need to tell you.”
“You can tell me here.” I discreetly wiped my palms against the sides of my thighs. My shirt stuck to my skin despite the icy blasts of air conditioning, and my skin alternated between hot and cold each second.
“Okay.” Instead of arguing, Josh tilted his chin toward a side hallway. “At least let’s get out of the way before someone mows us down. Lawyers are an aggressive bunch, aspiring lawyers even more so.”
A shadow of his dimple appeared.
I puddled at the sight of it. Of the top three things I missed most, his dimple sat squarely at number two, after his kiss and before his playful insults.
But whereas my insides were a mess of emotions, my exterior remained frozen. I couldn’t summon a smile for the life of me.
Josh’s dimple disappeared, and he swallowed hard again.
Somehow, I got my legs to work. We walked to the hallway in silence, and Josh twisted the doorknobs until one opened. It revealed an empty office. No furniture, just a whiteboard and a blue carpet. It was so hushed I could hear every thump of my pulse.
I stepped inside and rubbed the sleeve of my silk blouse between my fingers, taking solace in the mindless, familiar motion. “What are you doing here? Don’t you have work?”
“I traded shifts so I could take today off.” Josh locked the door behind us and raked his gaze over my face. Warmth buzzed beneath my skin at his slow, thorough perusal. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Delirium, exhaustion, or both pulled a rusty laugh from my throat. It sounded strange, like a car engine sputtering back to life after a week of non-use.
“I’m fine, but you didn’t take the day off and show up to my bar exam just to make sure I was okay.” A familiar ache crept into my chest. “You were the one who treated me yesterday. You know how I’m doing.”
“About that.” There was no hint of a smile on Josh’s face anymore. “I’m sorry if I came off…unconcerned.”
I shrugged as casually as I could. “You’re a doctor. You were professional and did your job. That’s all anyone could ask for.”
“I’m not just your doctor, Jules.”
The air suffocated my lungs. “You’re also my best friend’s brother.”
“More than that.” He took a tiny step toward me, and I took an instinctive step back.
I raised my chin, willing myself not to cry. I’d already shed too many tears over him. “Not anymore.”
No one takes my cock better than you do. It’s your best quality.
No matter how many times I replayed his words, they slashed deep every time.
That was the thing about someone who’d seen the best and worst of you—they knew exactly which buttons to push, which words would sting the hardest.
Josh’s jaw ticked, but instead of arguing, he switched the subject so suddenly it nearly gave me whiplash. “I found Max yesterday.”
“You what?” This encounter was growing more surreal by the minute.
“I found Max,” he repeated. “He won’t be bothering you anymore. Alex and I made sure of it.”
“What…how…” Nothing made sense. “You told Alex? What did you guys do? You didn’t kill him, did you?”
I was only half joking. I wouldn’t be devastated if Max died, but I also didn’t want Josh putting himself in jeopardy for me. Alex was a coin toss, but Josh? He wasn’t a killer, and if he did something in a fit of rage, it would haunt him for the rest of his life.
The prospect of him suffering like that was worse than any blackmail or hurtful words.
“No. But I wanted to.” A hard smile cut across Josh’s face. “Alex, of all people, talked me down. I won’t bore you with the details, but I promise, our point came across loud and clear. Max won’t contact you again.”
“Why would you do that?” Hope reared its treacherous head, and I shoved it back down. My hopes always led to disappointments. “You didn’t care when I came into the hospital yesterday.”
Josh’s eyes darkened from rich chocolate to endless, unnerving obsidian.
“I don’t care?” Another step toward me, another step back.
Our dance played to the rapid beats of my heart, and it didn’t end until my back pressed again the cool wall and Josh crowded me with his warmth. When he spoke again, the low, dangerous timbre of his voice sent shivers rippling down my spine.
“I walked into that room and almost lost my shit when I saw you were hurt, my job be damned. I wanted to kill Max for laying a hand on you. That’s not hyperbole, Jules. If you saw what he looked like after I was done with him…” His breath skated over my skin. “Luck saved him. But if he so much as breathes in your direction again, I will rip his entrails out and strangle him with them. So yes, Red, I fucking care. So much so it terrifies me.”
I was falling down another helpless spiral where his words were my only cushion and the air sang sweetly even as I plummeted toward potential death.
His quiet promise of violence should’ve frightened me; instead, it sizzled through my veins like an electric current.
“You hate me.” I was breathless and aching, wishing so hard for what he said to be true and utterly terrified it wasn’t.
“I’ve never hated you.”
“Liar.”
His soft laugh filled every molecule of air between us. “Okay, once upon a time, I hated you a little bit.” His smile faded, his eyes growing serious. “I don’t know what you did to me, Red. But somehow, I went from wanting to kill you…to willing to kill for you.”
My stomach tumbled further into free fall. A thousand golden bubbles filled me until I felt like a balloon being carried away by the wind.
I didn’t know what changed since last week, when Josh—
Remember when I said I forgive you? I lied.
The balloon popped with the swiftness of an assassin’s blade.
Josh wasn’t cruel. He didn’t manipulate people’s feelings for fun. But last week, he could’ve given Alex a run for his money in the cruelty department.
What if this was another one of his twisted games? He said everything I wanted to hear, but I didn’t trust his sudden one-eighty. A week wasn’t long enough for someone to get over the fury he’d displayed.
“For me, or for my tight pussy?” I asked, quoting him. My chin wobbled. “That’s my best quality, right?”
Pain slashed across his face. “Jules…”
“It’s not fair for you to do this.” My vow not to cry splintered as a tear scalded my cheek. “Just because I just fucked up doesn’t mean you can keep torturing me. We have to move on.”
A low growl rumbled from his chest.
Josh rubbed the tear away with his thumb, his touch infinitely gentle, but his eyes blazed with intensity. “There’s no fucking moving on,” he growled. “Not for me. Not for us.”
“You kicked me out of your house last week.” Fresh hurt strangled my lungs. “You fucked me, then you tossed me aside just like everyone else.”
He’d been angry, and rightfully so. But the memory of his words…the look in his eyes…
He weaponized the biggest insecurity I had and turned it against me.
Josh blanched, and the pain on his face sharpened into something so visceral it would’ve broken down my resistance had I not been so terrified.
As much as I wanted Josh back, I couldn’t put myself in a situation to be used or manipulated again.
“It’s been one week. What changed?” Another tear slipped down my cheek. “Do you miss the sex? Is that it?”
“No! That’s not…” Josh pushed a hand through his hair. “I admit, I reacted poorly when you told me the truth. More than poorly. I was blindsided, and I was so fucked in the head from everything that happened the past few years that I lashed out in the cruelest way I think of.” His Adam’s apple bobbed from the force of his swallow.
“Everyone I trusted has lied to me. But you…I told you things I’ve never told anyone. Things that hurt to admit even to myself. Your betrayal hit harder than any of the others combined, but that was my mistake. Thinking it was a betrayal when you were also the only person who’s ever told me the truth of your own accord. You didn’t wait until you were caught, even though you probably could’ve kept it a secret forever and I would’ve never found out. And I…” His voice cracked. “I was an idiot. And I’m sorry. And I lo—”
“Stop.” I couldn’t breathe. “Let me go. Please.”
I needed to think. To process. There was too much going on, and I couldn’t…I couldn’t…
I sucked in another shallow inhale. It did nothing to clear my light-headedness.
“I can’t.” Agony scraped his voice raw. “I’ll do anything you want except that.” Josh lowered his mouth, his heart a wild drum against mine. I turned before he made contact, terrified that if I gave even an inch, he’d take all of me and break the few whole parts I had left.
He froze, his breaths heavy with regret. “There’s no letting you go, Red. It would be easier if you asked me to tear my heart out with my own fucking hands.” He rubbed another tear from my face. “Yes, you made a mistake, but I was cruel, and I said things I never should’ve said.”
Josh buried his face in my neck. Dampness touched my skin, and I realized I wasn’t the only one crying.
“I’m sorry,” he said hoarsely. “For reacting the way I did. For lashing out at you when you tried to do the right thing. For not choosing you the way you deserve when you’re the only thing I’ve ever wanted.”
A small sob rose in my throat.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” He whispered the mantra as he trailed soft kisses up my neck and over my jaw. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
Josh reached my mouth and hovered there, seeking permission. Seeking forgiveness.
I stared at the floor, my eyes burning with the effort to hold back hope.
“Please.” His ragged plea shredded my resistance. “Tell me what to do, Red. I’ll do anything.”
“I…” Between yesterday’s incident with Max, sitting for the bar exam, and the way Josh scrambled my brains every time he was near, I couldn’t think properly. A dull ache formed behind my temples and blurred my vision. “I need space. I just need to…I need…”
Every breath brought in less and less oxygen.
I wanted to believe Josh, and I certainly wasn’t blame-free in our mess. Wasn’t I the one who wanted him to forgive me for lying?
But now that the moment had come, some infuriating, intangible thing prevented me from fully embracing the situation.
What if he was lying again?
What if I made another mistake and he walked away for good?
What if he woke up one day and decided he made a mistake?
Remember when I said I forgive you? I lied.
What good is it having a daughter if you can’t do one simple thing right?
Once a whore, always a whore.
No one takes my cock better than you do. It’s your best quality.
The jumble of voices in my head sharpened the ache into a piercing pain. The walls pressed in until the phantom scrape of white plaster against my skin roiled my stomach.
I wasn’t claustrophobic, but sometimes my thoughts trapped me in a cage so small I suffocated with each breath.
“I can’t do this right now.” I blinked, trying to clear my vision. “Give me…give me some time. I just need to think.”
The past forty-eight hours had tossed my life into chaos, and I needed to get my bearings before I could move forward.
Josh exhaled a shuddering breath. “Jules…”
“Please.” My voice broke.
He closed his eyes for a brief moment before he pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Okay.” His raw whisper clawed at my heart. “Take however much time you need. I’ll wait.”
For some reason, his words sent a fresh ache through my chest. “Why?”
No one had ever waited for me. I couldn’t fathom why they would.
“Because you’re it for me. Whether it’s today, tomorrow, a year, or decades from now, that’ll never change.” Josh’s lips brushed against my skin before he pulled back, his face taut with emotion. “I’m human, Red. I’ve made mistakes in the past, and I’ll make many more in the future. But one mistake I’ll never make is letting you go, not when there’s even a sliver of a chance left for us. Because the possibility of you is better than the reality of anyone else.”
Saltiness trickled down my cheeks.
“So, like I said…” Josh brushed away my tear. “I’ll wait. For as long as it takes.”
