Six years earlier
Lisa loves Clayton.
My dad loves Clayton.
Clayton fixes families.
He’s already my hero, and he’s only two days old.
Shortly after my dad and Lisa leave, Ian arrives. He says he doesn’t want to hold Clayton, but Rachel makes him. He’s uncomfortable, because he’s never held a baby before, but he holds him.
“Thank God he looks like Rachel,” Ian says.
I agree with him.
Ian asks Rachel if I ever told her what I said to him after I met her.
I don’t know what he’s talking about.
Ian laughs.
“After he walked you to class that first day, he took a picture of you from his seat,” Ian tells her. “He texted it to me and said, ‘She’s gonna have all my babies.’ ”
Rachel looks at me.
I shrug.
I’m embarrassed.
Rachel loves that I said that to Ian. I love that Ian told her that.
The doctor comes in and tells us we can go home now. Ian helps me take everything to the car and pull it up to the exit. Before I go back to Rachel’s room, Ian touches my shoulder. I turn around and face him.
I get the feeling he wants to tell me congratulations, but instead, he just hugs me.
It’s awkward, but it’s not. I like that he’s proud of me.
It makes me feel good. Like I’m doing this right.
Ian leaves.
So do we.
Me and Rachel and Clayton.
My family.
I want Rachel in the front seat with me, but I love that she’s riding in the back with him. I love how much she loves him. I love that I’m attracted to her even more now that she’s a mom. I want to kiss her. I want to tell her I love her again, but I think I tell her way too much. I don’t ever want her to get tired of hearing it.
“Thank you for this baby,” she says from the backseat. “He’s beautiful.”
I laugh. “You’re responsible for the beautiful part, Rachel. The only thing he got from me was his balls.”
She laughs. She laughs hard. “Oh, my God, I know,” she says. “They’re so big.”
We both laugh at our son’s big balls.
“Rest,” I tell her. “You haven’t slept in two days.”
I see her smile in the rearview mirror. “But I can’t stop staring at him,” she whispers.
I can’t stop staring at you, Rachel.
But I do stop, because the oncoming traffic is brighter than it should be.
My hands grip the steering wheel.
Too bright.
I’ve always heard your life flashes before your eyes in the moments before you die.
In a sense, that’s true.
However, it doesn’t come at you in sequence or even in random order.
It’s just one picture that
STICKS
in your head and becomes everything you feel and everything you see.
It’s not your actual life that flashes before your eyes.
What flashes before your eyes are the people who are your life.
Rachel and Clayton.
All I see is the two of them—my whole life—flash before my eyes.
The sound becomes everything.
Everything.
Inside me, outside me, through me, under me, over me.
RACHEL, RACHEL, RACHEL.
I can’t find her.
CLAYTON, CLAYTON, CLAYTON.
I’m wet. It’s cold. My head hurts. My arms hurt.
I can’t see her, I can’t see her, I can’t see her, I can’t see him.
Silence.
Silence.
DEAFENING SILENCE.
“Miles!”
I open my eyes.
It’s wet, it’s wet, there’s water, it’s wet.
Water is in the car.
I unbuckle my seat belt and turn around. Her hands are on his car seat. “Miles, help me! It’s stuck!”
I try.
I try again.
But she needs to get out, too.
She needs to get out, too.
I kick my window and break the glass. I saw it in a movie once.
Make sure there’s a way out before there’s too much pressure on the windows.
“Rachel, get out! I’ve got him!”
She tells me no. She won’t stop trying to get him out.
I’ll get him, Rachel.
She can’t get out. Her seat belt is stuck. It’s too tight.
I let go of the car seat and reach for her seat belt. My hands are underwater when I find it.
She slaps at my arms and attempts to push me away from her.
“Get him first!” she screams. “Get him out first!”
I can’t.
They’re both stuck.
You’re stuck, Rachel.
Oh, God.
I’m scared.
Rachel is scared.
The water is everywhere. I can’t see him anymore.
I can’t see her.
I reach for her seat belt again.
I get it off her.
I grab her hands. Her window isn’t broken.
Mine is.
I pull her forward. She’s fighting me.
She’s fighting me.
She stops fighting me.
Fight me, Rachel.
Fight me.
Move.
Someone is reaching in through my window.
“Give me her hand!” I hear him yell.
The water is coming in through my window now.
The entire backseat is water.
Everything is water.
I give him Rachel’s hand. He helps me get her out.
Everything is water.
I try to find him.
I can’t breathe.
I try to find him.
I can’t breathe.
I try to save him.
I want to be his hero.
I can’t breathe.
So I just stop.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
DEAFENING SCREAM.
I cover my ears with my hands.
I cover my heart with armor.
I cough until I can breathe again.
I open my eyes. We’re in a boat.
I look around. We’re on a lake.
I bring my hand up to my jaw.
My hand is red.
Covered in blood as red as Rachel’s hair.
Rachel.
I find Rachel.
Clayton.
I don’t find Clayton.
I push up on my hands and move to the edge of the boat.
I need to find him.
Someone stops me. Someone pulls me back.
Someone won’t let me.
Someone is telling me it’s too late.
Someone tells me he’s sorry.
Someone tells me we can’t get to him.
Someone tells me we went over the bridge after the impact.
Someone tells me he’s so sorry.
I move to Rachel, instead.
I try to hold her, but she won’t let me. She’s screaming.
Sobbing. CRYING. WAILING.
She hits me.
She kicks me.
She says I should have saved him instead.
But I tried to save you both, Rachel.
“You should have saved him, Miles!” she cries.
You should have saved him.
You should have saved him.
I should have saved HIM.
She’s screaming.
Sobbing. CRYING. WAILING.
I hold her anyway.
I let her hit me.
I let her hate me.
Rachel hates me.
I hold her anyway.
Rachel cries, but she’s quiet. She’s crying so hard her throat can’t even make a sound. Her body is crying, but her voice is not.
Ruined.
Ruined.
RUINED.
I cry with her. I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry and we cry and we cry and we cry.
Ruined.
The water is everything now.
I look at Rachel. I only see water.
I close my eyes. I only see water.
I look up at the sky. I only see water.
It hurts so much. I never knew a heart could hold the weight of the entire world.
I don’t make Rachel’s life better anymore.
I ruined you, Rachel.
My family.
Me and you and Clayton.
RUINED.
You can’t love me after this, Rachel.
