I WAKE up before the rest of my Bonded, before the sun has even risen in the sky. I have blackout curtains on the tall windows in my room, but there’s an early morning feel to the air—when you wake up and know that the entire world is still sleeping, that you’re having your own small moment in the day without anyone else.
I lie there for a moment, naked and with random aches and pains running through my body, but the hollow emptiness isn’t inside me anymore. My Bonded have fixed what consuming the god-bond’s soul had broken within me, and now it’s just me in here.
Me and my bond, of course.
I watch North’s chest as he breathes deeply in his sleep, completely unaware that I’m awake and eyeballing him this hard, and I slowly look around at each of my Bonded.
Gryphon is on the other side of me with an arm flung over his eyes, looking like a god at rest, even though he’d actually spent a good part of last night worshiping me. I’m pretty sure the pinching in my lower back is from the way that he’d bent me in half, and I’m sure he’ll wake up with another dozen ways he’ll want to fuck my brains out.
Gabe is on the far side of him, still clutching at his belly even in his sleep. My heart aches in my chest at the sight of him, at the lines of discomfort still etched into his face. Even sharing all my power with him wouldn’t fix that sort of stomachache, and I get the feeling that if there are more battles like that in our future, we’re going to have to take out stock in antacids for my beloved Shifter.
I feel vicious about the Pain god again.
Atlas is on the far side of North, and he’s sleeping soundly on his stomach, his head buried in one of my pillows as he surrounds himself in my scent, as I like to surround myself in all of theirs. He needed a lot from me last night. The moment that the Cleaver had left him, a panicked energy filled him that could only be eased by my presence. He’s going to be my shadow again for the next few weeks. I already know it.
Nox slept in his own room.
His boundaries are still important to him, and even though I would rather have them all in here with me every night, I can definitely respect that he needs his space. I know he finds being vulnerable and sleeping in a room with all of these people too difficult. I don’t just accept it, I’ll fight for him to have that space.
I might just need to find my way into his bed tonight.
I very carefully slide my way out of the bed, wriggling downwards and out so that I don’t wake any of them. After I find a pair of Gryphon’s running shorts and one of Atlas’ hoodies to throw on, I head quietly down the hallway and into the kitchen for a glass of water.
There’s something I want to do this morning, something big and important that is also a little too… exposing. Taking a minute to do it by myself is just what I need, like the real, final battle. I’m also not an idiot, so I let Azrael down from behind my ear and then I grab August from behind the other one. I’m still a little in awe that North finally trusts his shadow creature enough to give him to me.
I give them both loves and scratches behind their ears, murmuring affectionately to them both quietly before I duck back into my closet to grab the box I need. Then I slip out of the house without another word.
I can imagine the look of horror on North’s face at me wandering around before dawn by myself, but I also know that I am completely safe. The god-bonds are all taken care of, I have a bond that rips the souls out of my enemies, and I have two shadow creatures following my every move. Anyone else at this point would be overkill.
I’d gone on a few quiet hikes with Atlas in the weeks leading up to the battles with the god-bonds. I never discussed with him exactly what I was looking for and he never asked, probably assuming that I was just enjoying the space and quiet away from everyone. That’s true enough, but I was also looking for a resting place.
When Gryphon gave me back my parents’ ashes, I originally intended to scatter them right away, but part of me couldn’t bear the thought of what would happen if we had to leave the Sanctuary behind. There was every chance that the god-bonds would take it from us, and I already had to leave my parents behind once before.
I didn’t want to have to do it again.
I know that this is my home, the place I will always come back to. It’s something built for our community but also for me, an act of love and devotion from North and the rest of my Bonded Group. I reach the small ledge at the top of the incline that looks out over our house and down into the valley where the town lies, and I find the first budding wildflowers there, just a small sprinkling of color as the sun begins to rise and the light hits them in the most beautiful orange burst.
I sit down on the rock and open up the box, pulling out each of the small containers of ashes, and even though I know that my parents are long gone at this point, I kiss each one before I put it down on the rock next to me.
August sits at my side, pressing against my back, but Azrael sniffs each of the containers, his void eyes staring up at me as if they know what is going on, and when he ducks forward to lick at my cheek, I realize that I’m crying.
The person responsible for my parents’ deaths is gone.
The permanent sort of gone, I know that my bond will never have to deal with it again. I suppose I could pretend that they are happy tears, but really, they’re just the first tears I have let myself cry for my parents without feeling any guilt attached to them at all.
They’re gone now, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Nothing except to scatter their ashes here so they’re all together for eternity.
It feels weird to just open up the containers and dump them out over the wildflowers, but that’s exactly what I do. I watch as the wind picks up a little and the ashes dance in the air in front of me.
I observe it all with my shadow puppies and then, finally, I let it out. I let myself cry all of the tears that I’ve ever wanted to for my parents. I cry because I’ll never get to hug my mom again or any of my dads. I cry because they loved me and they had no idea of what was living inside their daughter, of the legacy that I was continuing.
I cry because they’ll never meet my Bonded.
My mom would have loved them. I’m not so sure what my dads would have thought though. Not in the beginning anyway, but I’m sure that my Bonded would have slowly won them over. They would have been proud of me. I think that’s maybe the hardest part, the part where I feel as though I have worked so hard to get to this point, and yet it still hasn’t brought them back.
Some things can’t be fixed.
Some things are permanent because life isn’t a fairy tale, no matter how wonderful it may seem sometimes. I’m still going to argue with my Bonded. I’m still going to feel sad and lost. I’m still going to need space and time to grieve, but that doesn’t mean I’m not incredibly proud of what we’ve done.
Footsteps crunch behind me, but neither of the shadow creatures react. I don’t need the familiar tugging of my bond in my chest to know that one of my Bonded has followed me out here. I make an educated guess on which one it is, and I’m proven right when Nox slowly eases himself down to sit next to me, snapping his fingers at Azrael to have him move spots.
He doesn’t say a word to me.
He doesn’t comment on the open containers sitting in the box in front of us or the white powder that still is coating some of the flowers. He doesn’t mention that the sunrise before us is beautiful or that my cheeks are stained with tears. He just sits and is still in the moment with me, offering me support without ever uttering a word.
I reach over and take his hand, threading our fingers together and squeezing gently, sitting there until I can muster up the energy to head back home and be the Bonded that everybody wants me to be, the Bonded they deserve to have. The Bonded that comes most naturally to me when grief isn’t quite so heavy in my heart.
The one that needs to figure out what our future is going to look like now, once and for all.
WHEN WE EVENTUALLY GET BACK TO the house, it feels surreal to stand in the kitchen and make breakfast together as though our lives haven’t completely changed. I move to the fridge to grab the ingredients to make an omelet, something simple that I’ve done a million times before and shouldn’t fuck up too badly, but Nox places a firm hand on my back to direct me towards the table instead as he takes over breakfast preparation.
By the time he slides a plate of food towards me, all of the rest of our Bonded Group have joined us, still half-dressed and weary-looking. It’s clear they’re half asleep as they serve themselves from the giant pile of food that Nox has whipped together for everyone.
Gabe still looks green at the mere smell of the eggs, so instead of eating, he buries his nose in my neck, huffing quietly under his breath as though the rest of us are doing something disgusting by eating while he is feeling so shitty. I leave him tucked there as I dig in.
Atlas flanks my other side, pouring me a large cup of coffee and adding all sorts of fun flavors for me, while North and Gryphon discuss work quietly amongst themselves. They both have their phones in their hands as they check in with TacTeams and other personnel, seamlessly getting back to business as usual while I’m sitting here like my whole world has been tilted on its axis.
They’re all acting as though this morning is just like every other morning that we’ve been at the house together, as though nothing has really changed, when we know that in reality, it has.
“What are we gonna do today, Bonded?” Atlas murmurs quietly to me as he kisses my cheek and hands over the giant cup of coffee.
I take a sip and enjoy the peppermint and mocha undertones to it, sighing as I bat my eyelashes at him. “I want to go see Sage and check in on Kieran… Then I guess we’ll help Gabe build things. Is there anything else we need to be doing?”
North shoots me a heated look and shakes his head. “There’s nothing you need to be doing anymore, Bonded. Anything else that comes up, we will deal with. Your job now is to be happy. That’s it.”
I nod slightly and look down at my plate of eggs, getting a few spoonfuls in as I think his words through. “And what if I don’t know how to be happy? What if it’s not that simple?”
North shares a look with Gryphon for a moment before his eyes flick over to Nox. The brothers seem to have a language of their own, they always have, but I’m not used to it being used against me like this, not in such a kind and loving way.
Nox says, a little too gently, “Then you need to figure that out, Oleander. That’s your job from now on, figuring out exactly what you want to do. Something that will make you happy.”
Gabe groans under his breath, rubbing his face on my shoulder before he pulls away from me and huffs, “You’re going to send her spiraling off the deep end again talking like that, you know. She’s only just stopped freaking out about how she’s going to fill up her days.”
I use my training from my time with the Resistance to keep my mind very carefully blank, putting up a wall the way that Nox taught me so that Gryphon doesn’t hear anything in my head, and then I send through to Gabe, If you dare to tell any of them what we talked about back at the school, indigestion from the Draconis will be the very last thing on your mind, Ardern.
The lazy grin he shoots back at me is so self-satisfied and not at all discreet. He might as well put a sign on his forehead to let them all know exactly what’s going on in my head.
“What are you guys going to be doing?” I ask, trying to change the topic, and Nox shrugs as he finishes his cup of coffee in one go, gulping it back as though he had a rough night’s sleep in his room by himself.
I’m going to sleep in there with him tonight, no matter what else happens today, to see if I can ease away some of that tension that is building in his limbs.
“There’s a vote happening for the council. Once we have that established, we’ll be able to take some time off. We don’t all have to be here all the time.”
I nod and then I smile back at him. “Maybe I should get back to my schoolwork. Maybe that’ll help me figure out how I’m going to spend the rest of my days now that we’re not running after god-bonds.”
Atlas reaches under the table to squeeze my leg, nodding his head before he smirks at me. “It might be easier to pass your classes now that you don’t have a professor failing you for absolutely no reason.”
I groan under my breath, not wanting to listen to the two of them go at each other’s throats this morning, but Nox just sends him a haughty look back. “It’ll be far easier for her to pass all of the classes considering she now knows enough to teach them if she wants to.”
I forgot about that, one of the least acknowledged perks of our soul-bonding.
It feels as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and everybody gets back to their breakfasts, talking quietly among themselves. It just reinforces that this is our life now, happy and whole and together, working as a team to figure out exactly what it is that we’re after. Exactly what it is that’s best for us and for everyone else, because no matter if we have dealt with the Resistance, North is still a very notable member of the community, someone who will have to make decisions for the rest of his life. People’s lives depend on his experience and knowledge, after all, but that doesn’t feel as suffocating as it did when I first arrived here.
Now it feels hopeful, something to be proud of, something for us all. My phone chimes in my pocket, and I pull it out to find a message from Sage asking me what the hell had happened at the Wasteland and if we’re all okay.
I message her back to tell her that I’m going to come find her and hang out today, that I’m going to check up on Kieran and the rest of their Bonded Group, and then I put the phone back in my pocket with a sigh, enjoying the sounds of my Bonded all here together. The way that they bicker with one another over small things and discuss big plans for the community. How they organize their time together and share their ambitions with one another, and the way that they’re a family, just as vibrant and amazing and loving as the one whose ashes I scattered this morning.
It might be completely different, but in a lot of ways, it’s exactly the same. I found my home. I’ve fought for it, I’ve bled for it, and now I get to enjoy it.
My Bonded and I deserve it.
