DEAR SAM,
Hi.
This is weird.
Writing letters to a dead man. Or boy, I guess. Seventeen isn’t really a man.
Anyways.
Dr. Resnick suggested I do this. Your anniversary was last week and I kind of broke down. Five whole years without you. You’ve officially been dead longer than we knew each other. It’s difficult for me to wrap my head around that. I think that’s why it hit me so hard this year. It’s so weird for me to remember a time in my life when you weren’t in it. It hurts. It kind of feels like I’ve lost something or like I’ve run out of time. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.
Resnick thought it would be a good idea to do this. As a coping mechanism, I guess. Nick agreed with her but Nick agrees with everything she says. Probably because she’s as enamored with him as everyone else is, and most of her advice works in his favor.
He comes with me sometimes. To therapy. When I’m having bad days and don’t want to go, he comes and he sits with me and he’s there. He’s always there.
Anyway, I agree with her too, now that I’m doing it. I think I need it. We all know I’m pretty shit at coping. Like right now; I’ve barely written anything and I’m crying.
I guess this is my goodbye, kind of. Or goodbyes. I don’t know. I don’t know how many of these there will be. However many I feel like writing, I guess. I want to talk to you. Not my boyfriend Sam, but my best friend Sam. That’s another thing; Resnick says I mourned the love I lost but I never mourned the friend. So that’s what I’m doing, I guess. Saying goodbye to my friend. So goodbye. For now.
Amy.
Dear Sam,
I watched my brother graduate today. And the love of my life, but Cass is next to me as I write this and if I don’t mention him first, this letter might end up having bloodstains on it. He says hi, by the way. He misses you. We both do.
I’m so fucking proud of him. Of both of them. I swear to God, James and I were the loudest, most embarrassing pair in the crowd. Except for Ben, but that’s not surprising. God, you would love Ben. He reminds me so much of you sometimes. Loud and cocky, the epitome of a class clown, but so fucking sweet. A massive dipshit too. But he’s our dipshit.
We find out if Cass is getting drafted next month. Well, not if. He will get drafted. It’s just a matter of where. It’s gonna be weird not seeing him every day but we’ll manage. We always manage.
I thought of you a lot today. I wondered what you would have looked like up there. Probably like a big, grinning fool trying to trip up Cass. Oh, and your brother came. He sat beside James and me and pretended he didn’t know us. We all cried. He met Nick and he agreed that you guys would have liked each other. When you weren’t fighting over me, he joked. I punched him.
The weather forecast said there’d be rain but the sun was shining bright all day. I like to think that was your touch, so thanks.
Amy.
Hi, Sammy,
It’s been a while. Over a year. Sorry about that. I woke up today feeling like I needed to talk to you, so, hi.
I graduated three months ago. Nick and I spent the summer in Brazil with his family. It was loud and hectic and the best time of my life. I love him so fucking much. It feels weird, telling you that, but I think you’d understand. I think you’d be happy for me.
We’re back in Redmond now. I’m at your grave, actually. I like leaving your letters here. They’re always gone when I come back, and I know, realistically, that it was the caretaker cleaning them up or the wind blowing them away but I like to pretend they’ve disappeared off to wherever you are.
I saw your parents yesterday. First time since you died. They look good, Sam. They look happy. We all went for dinner, my family, Nick’s family and yours, and it was nice. We talked about you and no one cried, so I call that a win.
We all miss you, though. We left a chair empty at the table for you.
Amy.
Sam,
I’m an aunt.
My best friend had a baby.
God, I feel like such an adult yet so fucking young at the same time.
He is the sweetest little thing. The perfect combination of his parents. So, of course, he’s beautiful. Kid’s got the lushest hair and these big eyes that I swear to God make my womb ache. He gives me baby fever but not as bad as Nick. Jesus Christ. I swear he’s hormonal or having a quarter-life crisis or something.
Anyway. I’m an aunt. And I love it. Auntie Mils.
I swear to God if I end up being Auntie Tiny, I’m gonna scream.
Amy.
Sammy,
I had a bad day today.
I almost got into a car crash because, apparently, the third time’s the fucking charm. I’m okay. It brought back a whole heap of memories I’ve been working to forget. I basically shut down, and I haven’t done that in a while. I sat in a Target parking lot for an hour because I couldn’t calm down. I cried because I miss you. I cried because I miss Cass because he’s always somewhere I’m not. I miss Nick too. Him, Jackson and Ben are visiting Cass in New York, a boy’s holiday. I don’t want to ruin it because I’m incapable of dealing with my emotions. I think I’m gonna call Resnick. Or my mom.
Amy.
Sam,
It’s been a while. Like, quite a while. Life got busy. I got a real, adult job. I’ve been visiting Cass while he’s trotting all over the country. Nick started his job and has a million high school students mooning over him. Spoiler alert; having a hot as fuck partner who gets drooled over daily never really gets easier. Such a hard life, I know.
Oh, and maybe the ring on my finger weighing me down has hindered my writing capabilities.
Yup. I’m engaged.
I’m gonna be somebody’s wife. Well, not somebody’s wife. Nick’s wife.
Amelia Silva.
I’m taking his last name, no doubt. He offered to take mine—his dad took his mom’s name, after all—but Nick Hanlon just isn’t as sexy as Nicolas Silva. I would never deprive the world of Nicolas Silva. Besides, I want to be a Silva.
I cannot fucking wait to be a Silva.
Amy.
Sam,
I’m a Silva.
We did it. We went to the courthouse, Nick and I and our families. We were going to do the whole big fancy wedding but it didn’t feel like us. Neither of us were keen on having a huge audience on the best, most intimate day of our life.
Besides, something else happened that would’ve significantly hindered my ability to fit in a wedding dress.
Not only am I a Silva but I made a Silva. A perfect little baby girl Silva.
Aurora Cassandra Silva.
Rory.
Cass calls her Cassie, of course, the conceited bastard. She loves it, though. She loves him. I’m almost positive her first word is gonna be Cass, and I don’t think Nick nor I are ready for the power trip that’s gonna send my brother on.
She is so fucking perfect, Sam. Looks just like her daddy. Figures, doesn’t it, that I lug her around for months yet she comes out all Silva. I don’t mind though, not really. She’s a lucky girl. Is it bad that I’m jealous of how pretty my baby is? Because she is so pretty.
This is probably my last letter. My entire life revolves around a three-month-old now. I wish you could’ve met her. I still miss you a lot sometimes. I still love you a lot. But it doesn’t hurt anymore to think of you. So I think I’m done.
I loved you so much, Sammy. I loved you with my whole heart. And now I love Nick, not with just my heart, but with my entire being. There isn’t a part of me that doesn’t love that man. I wish you could’ve experienced love like this because I don’t think that’s what we had. I don’t think I was it for you.
Nick is it for me.
But I do have you to thank because if I hadn’t loved you, I don’t think I would’ve been able to love Nick the way I do. And then I wouldn’t have Rory. I didn’t think it was possible but I love her even more than I love him.
I need to let you go so that little part of me that still belongs to you can belong to them.
Bye, Sam.
I lied.
That wasn’t my last letter. I have to tell you something.
I have a baby boy now.
We were going to stop after our second, Reese, but I wanted a boy so bad. And I think Nick might’ve been drowning in estrogen from us three girls. So we tried again, and we got what we wanted because Silvas always get what they want.
Matthias Samuel Silva.
Cass thought it was weird naming him after you but he wanted to name his first kid Cass The Second so he clearly knows jackshit.
Your brother met him the last time we went back to Redmond. He cried and we hugged and then we went to see your mom and she cried too. Matthias was probably so confused, my poor boy. Oh, and Zach has a kid now too. You’re an uncle.
Kinda morbid, but I brought Matthias to your grave. I wanted him to meet his namesake. He’s so like his dad but I swear to God, Sam, there’s a bit of you in there.
I needed to tell you about him. This is my final letter, for real this time. Bye, Sammy.
Amelia.
