No sooner had I given up than I found myself in a strange, open space without form or borders, in the unfamiliar body of a man. As I turned to get my bearings, I stumbled forward and backward as if I had no structure at all, like a broken sapling in high winds: how did humans keep themselves upright? With great effort, I managed to stay standing, mimicking the posture I’d observed in humans, albeit precariously. It was uncomfortable, and it felt wildly unstable compared to my hinges, but it worked. Besides, the unique novelty of hands, feet, clothing, and shoes far outweighed the floppy disorientation of my now-human spine.
The edges of the wide space around me were dim and foggy. As I concentrated, however, a classroom seemed to abruptly mushroom into existence at the center. A confusing tangle of adults and children were seated at the desks, intensely concentrating on pieces of paper while a teacher looked on with a comically-oversized stopwatch, audibly ticking away.
In the center of the group, Tana sat, hopelessly trying to cover her naked body with a single thin sheet of paper from her desk. She looked mortified, a deep blush coloring her cheeks and chest as her gaze flicked back and forth to her classmates, all of whom were rapidly becoming aware of her undressed state. I’d seen Tana nude often inside her apartment, but here in front of me, she stirred even more powerful longings.
What started as a quiet giggle soon grew to fill the area as everyone looked up from their tests to point and laugh at Tana’s nudity, the sound rising to a jeering roar. Pulled from my erotic musings, I bristled at her discomfort, immediately compelled to save her. As I moved closer, I discovered I was dressed identically to the hero from a movie Tana had recently watched. Shrugging off the rugged flannel overshirt, I quickly hurried over and draped it around her shoulders, dropping to a knee to button the front.
Well, I tried to kneel, anyway. In reality, as soon as I got the shirt around her shoulders, the shift of balance to my knee was too much for my new, uncoordinated body to manage. I promptly fell over in a heap against the desk beside Tana’s with a clattering and screeching of metal legs sliding across the formica. Immediately, the surrounding crowd burst into mocking laughter, fingers jabbing in my direction instead of Tana’s.
Tana’s look of mortification smoothed from her brow, a tiny wrinkle of concern forming instead as she used one hand to hold the flannel closed and reached the other down to me. The sheer, incandescent bliss of finally getting to touch Tana, to hold her, tuned the jeering laughter around us to silence as our eyes met. As she helped me to my awkward, newfound feet, I marveled at the way I seemed to tower over her, my door-height translating to a larger-than-life human in this strange dream world. I reached over to gently adjust the collar of Tana’s borrowed shirt, indulging in the luxury of my new hands to comfort her.
She blushed – my Tana blushed – and smiled gratefully up at me as I led her away from the makeshift classroom, which promptly melted into the floor like decaying fungus behind us. She turned to face me fully, her fingers lightly ghosting along my cheek as they had my door-edge so many times before. “Why do you seem so familiar? Who are you?”
I threw caution to the wind, clasping her soft hand against my cheek and turning my head to kiss her palm. “I have no name but yours, Tana. I am your faithful guardian and protector, nothing more, nothing less. I am your door, and I love you.”
“My…door? I don’t understand. Is that like a metaph-” She frowned, brow knitting in confusion again.
“Your door. To your apartment.” I smiled brightly, proud and happy to finally have a voice to tell Tana I’d been watching over her. My teeth felt odd, the air and space in my mouth so different from the flat, solid planes of my door-self. I was grateful Tana had left the television on so often: it let me study movements and expressions, the ones I hoped I was currently mimicking enough to pass as mostly-human.
“Whoo – I’m not eating those popsicles before bed anymore. This is the weirdest dream I’ve ever had.” She laughed loudly, patting me on the chest. “Katie will get a kick out of this when I tell her though. My door – ha!”
Crestfallen, I gently cupped Tana’s shoulders to drive home my urgency. “Tana, please. I was told I only had tonight to – to talk to you. To ask you for a favor. Please, this is very serious, you’re in danger and I can’t protect you here.”
She wore a lopsided grin, clearly not taking me seriously. “A favor, huh? So, what, do you want me to oil your hinges?”
It was my turn to blush at the obvious flirtation in her tone, a highly unusual sensation. It felt like the afternoon sun on my painted front, only concentrated in my now-human cheeks. “In a manner of speaking. The man that offered me this-” I pointed back and forth between us, “-said that we must be together. In the way you are with your shivering blue stick.”
Tana frowned, silently mouthing my words as she mulled them over, realization suddenly dawning on her as she jabbed a finger into my pectoral muscle. “And just what the hell do you know about my shivering blue stick, buddy? That’s none of your goddamn business!”
I scrubbed the back of my neck with a palm, uncomfortable with Tana’s sudden shift in mood. Why was she so unhappy? She always seemed to be in a very good mood when she used her shivering blue stick.
“You leave your bedroom door open, I didn’t think you wanted privacy. You close the smaller room, with the shower, in the mornings and evenings. If you wish to be alone with your blue stick, why do you leave your door open?”
“Because I didn’t realize my goddamn front door was a voyeur, dude!” She widened her eyes and threw her arms up, gesturing with irritation at me. “You can bet your ass I’ll be closing it from now on.” She squinted suspiciously. “Wait, is my bedroom door watching me too? Are you all freaky pressboard pervs?”
I straightened with indignation, even though my comparatively-bendy spine still felt odd compared to my normal wooden state. “I am made of solid oak, not pressboard, and none of your other doors are like I am. I am your protector-”
She waved a dismissive hand. “Yeah, yeah, and you love me, we’ve covered that. No more watching me with my vibrator, weirdo. You’re hot, I’ll give you that, but this is my dream and I call the shots, bud.”
Sighing with frustration, desperation crept into my tone. “Please, Tana. Randall is a murderer. He killed that girl and he’s going to kill you next. I can help you stop him, but only if-” I held out my hands in indication, splaying my fingers. “I can protect you if I can move, if I can fight him and hold him off, but I can’t do that as a door alone. He will let himself into your apartment. He’s done it before.”
Tana grasped my forearm and flicked an angry gaze upwards. “Wait wait wait. Randall’s a murderer? I thought he was just, you know, a creepy loser. And wait – what do you mean he’s done it before? He’s been in my apartment when I wasn’t there?”
I laid a gentle hand over hers on my arm. “Yes, while you were at the supermarket, several weeks ago. He watched you leave, then used some sort of strange key in my lock. He came in and took your pink underwear, the ones you’ve been looking for since last month. He went through your drawers and put everything back, but he took those with him. I wanted to slam on his fingers, believe me I did. I’m so sorry, Tana.”
Her eyes wide and wild, Tana shoved her fingers into her own hair, spinning out of my gentle grasp. “Holy shit! That fucking pervert! I can’t-” She sucked in a sharp, tearful breath, turning back to me with a panicked expression. “Oh my god, what am I saying, fuck my underwear, he could have killed me in my sleep.”
With a piteous sound of horror at her earlier realization, Tana suddenly flung herself at my chest, her cheek pressed against this new, strange form. My arms drifted around her instinctually, happily mimicking the embraces that I’d seen in the movies Tana watched.
As her fearful words registered, I frowned and shook my head resolutely, the gesture unfamiliar enough to leave me a little dizzy. Running a gentle hand down Tana’s hair to soothe her, I did my best to sound reassuring. “No, never, Tana. I- I would have…I’d have figured out something.”
Despite my bravado, my voice trailed off miserably, ashamed I couldn’t be a more confident protector. After all, one strange key had removed all my defenses in moments, even my deadbolt, and I’d be just as vulnerable once Tana woke up. The liminal space around us wavered and grew unsteady, and fear pooled in my dream-form’s stomach.
“Tana. Tana, listen, we don’t have much time. I think – I think you’re about to wake up. Please, think about what I’ve asked.” My cheeks heated again as I imagined enjoying more of Tana than the occasional brush or grasp.
She leaned back from my chest, scrubbing under a tearful eye with the heel of her hand, her expression questioning as she sniffled. “What do you- do you mean you want me to…I mean, how would that even…”
The space around us flickered unsteadily again, leaching color from my borrowed shirt and Tana’s skin. Her lips began moving with no sound as she steadily faded from view, eventually vanishing with a soft pop. The fog roiling at the edges of the darkness tumbled in, pulling my perception back until I was once again a sturdy rectangle of painted oak standing guard in front of Tana’s apartment.
In her bedroom down the hall, Tana woke with an audible gasp.
