“If I could love someone, then it would be you, Daisy. A million times over, it would be you.”
Those words have been on repeat in my head all day.
I tip my head against the window, the vibration of the train running on the tracks beating against my head, as Kelly Clarkson sings “Beautiful Disaster” in my ears.
After that night when I walked away from Kas, he didn’t come after me. He offered to drive me home, but the pain and confusion and atmosphere between us was bad enough, and I couldn’t endure a car ride home with him. So, he called me a taxi.
I’ll still have to see him in a handful of hours. Even though I might not be able to have a relationship with Kas, I still need my job. It’s one of the things that ensures I’ll get Jesse back.
When I got home, I let myself quietly into our apartment. I got in bed and spent the rest of the night staring at my darkened ceiling.
I got up early and went for a run.
When I got back, Cece was up. She was surprised to see me, as she’d thought I was at Kas’s. I told her that Kas and I weren’t going to work out.
Then, I surprised myself by bursting into tears.
Of course, I couldn’t tell her the real reason. So, I just told her that he wasn’t right for me.
I knew she knew there was more to it, but she didn’t push. She was just awesome, like always. She hugged me and then told me it was girls’ night tonight—takeout, wine, and a chick flick.
I dreaded going to work and having to see him. But I put my big-girl panties on and went to work.
He wasn’t there.
His car was gone.
And then I started to get worried. Worried that he’d gone after Damien.
I broke down and called him. I got his voice mail, which only made me feel worse. I didn’t bother leaving a message.
What could I say? Please don’t kill him.
I did text him later in the day, just asking him to let me know he was okay.
So far, I haven’t heard back.
I’m scared for Kas.
And you know what? The scariest thing is that I don’t care that a man is soon going to lose his life. Or that Kas has taken the life of two other men. Because they deserved it. Damien deserves it.
And if thinking that makes me a bad person, then so be it.
Those bastards raped and murdered a seventeen-year-old girl. They forced Kas to watch that brutality, and then they stabbed him and left him for dead.
When I think of Kas killing them, I can’t feel anything but justice for Haley.
And Damien put me in prison for eighteen months. I’m not a girl out for revenge, but I can’t help but feel it right now.
I know some people would say, Turn him over to the police. But slippery fuckers like Damien always manage to get away.
And, honestly, jail wouldn’t be enough of a punishment for him. Trust me, I’ve spent time inside, and the punishment Damien deserves for what he did on that night seven years ago isn’t sitting pretty in a jail cell. He deserves to suffer.
An eye for an eye and all that.
Kas lost everything because of Damien. I lost everything because of Damien.
I guess we’ll always be tied in that way.
So, between compulsively checking the news for reports of a murder—or worse, of Kas being hurt—I’ve been aching over losing him.
My day has been a complete mindfuck.
I just need to hear from Kas. I need to know he’s okay.
My phone vibrates on the table in front of me. My eyes flash to it, heart racing, hoping it’s Kas. I deflate when I see it’s Anne calling, which shows how bad things are, but then my heart picks back up when I realize that it’s Anne calling.
Jesse.
I yank the earphones from my ears and connect the call. “Hello?” I rush out, worry prickling me, as it always does when it comes to Jesse.
“Hi, Daisy. It’s Anne.” Her voice sounds upbeat, which relaxes me some.
“Hi,” I say.
“I’m not interrupting anything, am I?” she asks.
“No, not at all.” Well, aside from me sitting here, obsessing over the fact that the man I’m in love with is out for revenge and will soon kill the man who ruined his life. Other than that, no, you’re not interrupting anything. “I’m just on the train on my way home from work.”
“Oh, good. Well, I have some news…some good news.”
That makes me sit up straighter. “Good news?”
“Yes. I’ve been talking with my superior, and we’ve been looking at Jesse’s progress since your release. It’s all been positive. Especially since your visits began. He’s doing better in school, he’s actively seeking to partake in activities, and his overall attitude is better. He seems happy.”
That makes me glow, knowing that Jesse is happy because of me.
“And I talked with your probation officer, Toby, and he has nothing but positive things to say, as does your employer.”
“Kas?” I breathe his name.
“Yes, Kastor Matis. Lovely man. He had wonderful things to say about you. That you’re a hard worker. You’re always on time. He said it’s clear to him that your sole focus is on rebuilding your life and getting Jesse back living with you.”
Tears spring to my eyes. I bite my lip.
“When did you speak to Kas?” I fight to keep my voice normal. I need to know if she’s spoken to him since he went off the grid.
“Oh, it was the day before yesterday. Why?”
My hope sinks. “Oh, he never mentioned it, is all.” I try to brush off my curiosity, worrying that I might have tipped her off to the fact that Kas and I were once more than just employer and employee.
“Oh, right,” she says with a casualness that puts me at ease. “Anyway, we would normally wait a little longer before allowing this, but I don’t think that’s necessary in this case. I think, if anything, it will benefit Jesse more. And I’ve spoken to Jesse, and he was more than eager for it to begin.”
“For what to begin?”
“Overnight visits. We’re going to allow you to have weekend access with Jesse. He can come to you on Saturday mornings. Stay over Saturday nights, and then you return him back on Sundays by teatime. I will, of course, need to come and do a check of your home to make sure everything is up to a satisfactory condition for him, but I can’t see there being a problem from what I remember of your place the last time I was there.”
“Are you being serious?” My heart is beating faster. “I can really have Jesse for the weekends?”
I feel her smile down the line.
“Yes, Daisy, I’m serious. You’ve earned this. I’m proud of you. Keep up the good work, and you’ll have Jesse living back with you sooner than originally anticipated.”
Tears start to run down my face. “Thank you. So much. I…I can’t…God, thank you. I won’t let you or Jesse down, I swear.”
“Just keep doing what you’re doing, and you’ll have your family back together before you know it.”
We say our good-byes after setting a date and time for Anne to do her home visit early next week so that I can begin Jesse’s overnight stays the next weekend.
I can’t believe it. I’m one step away from getting Jesse back.
The other part of my life might be going to shit, but the most important part of my life is heading in the right direction. And it only confirms that I made the right decision in walking away from Kas because I can’t let anything jeopardize getting Jesse back home with me.
Tears are still leaking from my eyes, and I don’t care that other passengers can see me because I’m so fucking happy about these weekend visits.
I fire off a text to Jesse, telling him that I just heard from Anne and how happy I am.
My phone beeps a second later.
It’s cool, right? I can’t wait to see your place. Can I decorate my room how I want it?
God, he can paint it black if he wants.
I type back.
Of course you can! We can go shopping for paint tomorrow if you want.
He responds.
Bring your credit card. 🙂
I laugh out loud, and it feels good.
You got it, kiddo. Love you. xx
Love you, too, Mayday.
And that sets me off crying even more.
I turn my face to the window and wipe away the tears.
I feel so conflicted with my happiness over Jesse and my hurt over Kas.
I never knew I could feel so happy yet so sad at the same time.
The train pulls into my station. I get off the train and start the walk home. I know Cece said she was getting wine for our girlie night, but I stop off at the supermarket and get a bottle of champagne to celebrate my news. It’s only the cheap stuff, but it’s still champagne, and we are going to celebrate big time. I cannot bloody wait to see her face when I tell her that I’m getting Jesse for the weekends.
I forgo the five-pence carrier bag, and with a champagne bottle in hand, I head home.
I let myself in my apartment building and jog up the steps. I put my key in the front door, letting myself in. The place is quiet.
“Ce, I’m home,” I call out, smiling. I kick my shoes off. Dropping my bag in the hallway, I head to the living room. “I’ve got amazing news—” My words cut off at the scene set out before me.
Oh God. No.
