It’s so easy.
The whole process went off without a hitch. I had to stop and stare in my rear-view mirror a few times, expecting to find police cars following us.
There aren’t.
The trip to the forest takes me less than fifteen minutes. There were almost no cars on the way, no people roaming around this early morning, and I make sure to use deserted routes.
No one has witnessed the man beside me, his eyes closed and his entire body slack. If they did, they’d think he was asleep and I’m just taking him on a drive.
I am taking him on a drive — just not where he’s supposed to go.
When I called Edric for a meeting, I told him it was urgent and about Ronan. He immediately agreed.
Then, I drove to his mansion in Knox’s Range Rover — I left him a note about it and kind of suggested he get a new car.
After I gave Lars the letter I wrote to Ronan, there was a small voice that told me I should turn around and leave — just go somewhere, anywhere. I don’t have to do this or anything that followed.
But the little girl on my shoulder is still crying. She can’t stop, and neither can I.
So, I asked Edric if he was okay with joining me in my car because I didn’t want to talk about it in his house. Once again, he didn’t suspect anything as he slid into the passenger seat.
The moment he looked down to click the seatbelt into place, I jammed the needle I’d already prepared in his neck, and not just any jamming — I did it intravenously.
Since I decided to kill him, I’ve been arranging my dominos one by one. I knew how I’d kill him and how I’d get there. I’ve been watching videos about intravenous injections and practising on dolls. I learnt it so thoroughly I could do it with my eyes closed.
My medicine of choice is rocuronium because it’s paralysing, fast, and long-lasting. It’s also prescription only, but when I asked Agnus if he could find a way to get it, he brought me two bottles the next day, no questions asked. That’s what I love about Agnus — his ability to understand. He only said to call him, not Dad, if I do something.
I’m not calling anyone.
The drug took effect on Edric within a minute. I still remember the confused expression on his face after the sting of the needle as he slowly turned around.
He didn’t understand what had happened.
He didn’t understand that I’m capable of doing that to him.
I haven’t looked at his face since then. I still don’t.
All I’ve done is drive.
At one point, I’m too light-headed; it’s kind of alarming. It’s like I can’t feel my face or my limbs or anything.
With the dose I gave him, I have around twenty to thirty minutes until he regains complete consciousness. Sure, I could’ve found a poison, injected him with it, and ended it there.
But that’s too peaceful, too easy.
Besides, he needs to know the sins he’s paying for.
His limbs start twitching and so do his lids. It’s a knee-jerk reaction that means the drug is slowly starting to wear off. I have another needle at the ready so when he meets his end, he won’t be able to move a muscle.
Like me.
Like the little girl crying on my shoulder.
He’ll die unable to do any fucking thing about it, just like I couldn’t.
This isn’t revenge. This is fucking karma.
I slam on the brakes right at the top of a hill. The early morning lights are visible in the distance. Today, the clouds are so thick and grey, as if in mourning.
Taking a deep breath, I face him.
His eyes are open, but he can’t turn around to look at me. He just stares ahead like a zombie with his brains sticking out.
“You’re going to die, Edric,” I say in a neutral tone, knowing the effects of the drug are fading and he can hear me even if he can’t move. “It’s a nightmare to want to move but not have the ability to, isn’t it?” I continue. “That’s how I felt every time you walked into my room and jerked off to my body. That’s how I stayed when your semen coated my skin.”
He makes an unintelligible sound, but all he manages to get out is drool that trickles down his chin. I couldn’t begin to think what he means by that — not that it matters. This time, it’s all about me, not him.
“I screamed in my head, too, just like I’m sure you’re doing right now. But you know what happens when you scream and there’s no sound? You kind of stop screaming, stop making yourself noticeable, and soon enough, you stop existing. You want to purge it somehow, but you can’t cry or talk or even breathe. That’s how I’ve lived for the past eleven years, like a shadow of myself, a ghost of what I should’ve been.
“I was so numb, I slept with countless men as soon as I could. I lost my virginity at thirteen just so I could get rid of the numbness and prove I’m not a freak, prove I can feel, but no matter how much sex I had, the numbness never left. It’s there, in every fucking moment, in every waking second, and even in sleep. Until…Ronan.”
My voice breaks and I clear my throat so he doesn’t hear it. “That’s another reason why I hate you. You didn’t just steal my childhood — you also took away Ronan. Why did he have to be your son? Why is the only person who makes sense your fucking heir? Do you know what the ironic part is? While you were engrossed in your paedophile activities with me, your own son got molested.”
The sounds he’s making increase in volume, his mumbled words successive but still unintelligible. The seatbelt holds him in place, so he couldn’t move a muscle even if he tried to.
“Right.” I laugh without humour. “You don’t know that because you’re not only a fucked-up human being but also a horrible father. Yes, Edric, Ronan was molested during that Halloween night he dressed up as Dracula and you left him alone. That’s why he’s so overly joyful sometimes. It’s his defence mechanism when the memories become too much, just like it’s my defence mechanism to run, to prove I actually exist.”
His fingers twitch, and he almost lifts a hand but it soon falls limp by his side.
“Nooooo…” he slurs, the sound almost haunting.
“Yes,” I say. “And now, I have to erase you off the face of the earth. You know, my original plan was to kill you then walk away, travel, and live the life you robbed me of. But I can’t do that anymore. Do you know why?”
He makes another noise, and this time, I place the needle near his throat. That makes him pause his attempts to move.
“Because I can’t live in a world where Ronan hates me. I can’t be out there after killing his father and knowing the pain I caused him.” A tear slides down my cheek then, and I taste salt.
I pause, my eyes widening.
A tear.
My first tear for myself in over a decade.
Edric stares at me, too, as if feeling my pain and how the reality of things is slashing me from the inside out and I have no way to stop it.
Only he doesn’t feel. He’s a monster.
“Why did it have to be you? Just why?”
He doesn’t answer.
He can’t.
“It’s the end, Edric. It ends how it started.” I hit the accelerator. “See you in hell.”
I can’t live in a world where Ronan hates me, so it’s only fair I pay for my sins in this life.
Where Edric goes, I’ll go.
Maybe there, I’ll be free.
Maybe there, I’ll think of a life where Ronan and I were meant to be together.
I’m sorry, Ronan. I’m so sorry.
