I can’t do this anymore.
I just can’t.
Today, I woke up sweating and in tears. My whole body was shaking so hard that I scared Jeremy when he came into my room.
Sometimes, I don’t remember my nightmares, but I recall this one. I recall how Adrian was fucking me on the bed, my arms and legs looped around him as Lia barged through the door with a knife. However, this time, no shadow saved me from her as she slit my throat.
Adrian didn’t look at me twice when she was in the room. As I was clutching my bleeding neck, he pulled out of me and went to her.
He hugged her from the front in a way that he’s never hugged me. He breathed in her scent and kissed her temples.
“I’ve missed you, Lenochka,” he whispered to her while she was holding the bloodied knife that slit my throat.
“You’re finally home,” he murmured between kisses to her cheek, her mouth, and her throat as I lay there, gurgling, thrashing, crying.
Help! I screamed in my head. Adrian, help me!
He didn’t.
All of his attention was on Lia, on her face, her cheeks, her throat, her mouth. She looked at me, though. Her eyes met my identical ones, and she smirked as she hugged Adrian back and mouthed, “Mine.”
That’s when I died.
But then I was shoved into another nightmare, where a man wrapped his hand around mine and forced me to pull the trigger. Blood covered my skin as I shrieked at the top of my lungs.
Then it was over.
Jeremy was the one trying to wake me, standing by my bed, holding one of his toy soldiers. He jerked back when I startled into a sitting position.
He’s now standing near the dresser, his face pale and his lips trembling. “Are you a ghost, Mommy?”
My breathing immediately calms and a different type of worry takes over me. Jeremy seems like he’s scared of me and that hurts more than I like to admit.
I extend a hand toward him. “I’m so sorry, Jer. Mommy just had a nightmare. It’s over now.”
“Really?” he doesn’t seem convinced, even as he stares at my hand.
“Really.”
“You’re not gonna be Ghost Mommy?”
“Of course not, my angel.”
He cautiously takes a step forward and places his tiny hand in mine. I smile and he grins back. “You’re my mommy.”
“I am.”
He climbs on top of the bed and wraps his small arms around me. “Can you always be my mommy?”
The desperation and exasperation from earlier sticks to my throat as I think of what to tell him.
I’m not staying here anymore.
I don’t care if the police lock me up. I just can’t, under any circumstances, remain in a house that gives me the creeps with a man who’s erasing me from existence.
It’s been a week since the attack. A whole seven days since he first fucked me.
He’s done it again and again since. Sometimes twice a day. Sometimes as a form of punishment. Last night, it was because he figured out that I’d spent most of the day taking care of Yan—a fact he doesn’t like.
He was harsh, unyielding, and didn’t pull out of me until my lips bled from how much I bit down on them. I’m glad he cleaned me up and covered my body with a nightgown, because the last thing I want is for Jeremy to see me in that state.
But then again, Adrian provides the best aftercare I’ve ever witnessed. I’ve only ever known selfish men who paid attention to their own pleasure and to hell with mine. Adrian doesn’t only make sure I come first—and multiple times—he also never leaves me dirty and walks away. He always bathes me, dresses me, brushes my hair, tucks me in, and even tells Ogla to bring me meals in bed when he feels I’m too sore to move.
I want to convince myself that I don’t like any of that. That I have no choice but to go with it. But is that the case if my body always comes undone? If I crave him as soon as his hand is on me?
It’s not his touch that I hate. It’s him and the way he’s never called me by my name.
I stopped asking for it, because not only is it useless, but I always get punished for it. Hard, with more pain than pleasure, as if he wants to erase that thought from my brain.
And that’s why I need to escape. My heart bleeds at leaving Jeremy, who’s staring up at me expectantly, his gray eyes huge. Unless…
My heart jolts as a crazy idea forms in my head.
“Mommy?”
“Yes?”
“You didn’t answer me.”
I scoff. He’s definitely taking on his father’s demanding personality.
“I’ll always be your mommy, Jer. Nothing will change that.”
“Can we play together today?”
“Yes, but we have to pay a visit to Yan first.”
“Is he still sick because he saved you, Mommy?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m gonna give him one of my toys then.”
“You’re such a good boy, Jer. Come on. Let’s get ready.”
After we get dressed, I take Jeremy downstairs to have breakfast. Ogla watches me peculiarly but says nothing. I’m packing some toast and jam when she finally speaks, “Where are you taking those, Mrs. Volkov?”
“To Yan and Kolya. They barely have real breakfast nowadays.” While I’ve hardly seen them—or the other guards—eat before, I know Ogla usually takes their meals to some back building where they live and have their food.
“You’re not allowed to visit Yan.”
I lift my head, pausing my task. “What?”
“Before he went out this morning, Mr. Volkov gave specific orders that you’re not allowed to visit Yan.”
“Oh, fuck him and his specific orders.”
Ogla’s bland eyes widen as if not believing I just said that. I made her speechless for once.
Jeremy giggles as he tugs on my dress. “Bad word, Mommy.”
“Sorry, angel.” I smile, then direct my stare at Ogla. “Tell your boss that he can’t stop me from tending to a patient.”
And with that, I take the food and tell Jeremy to come with me.
We go into the guest house. Unlike the other guards, Kolya and Yan apparently live here. As usual, there are two soldiers with drawn weapons in front of the building. I’m prepared to give them a piece of my mind if they try to stop me, but they don’t.
When we go into Yan’s room, we find him sleeping. He woke up a few days ago, but the doctor put him on pain medication that causes him to sleep more.
He’s covered by a gray duvet that’s been pulled up to his chin, a slight stubble growing on his jaw, but he’s not as pale as those first few days.
Kolya sits by his side, tapping on his laptop. I’m surprised to find him here, because he’s usually Adrian’s shadow, and since Ogla told me Adrian has outside business today, I thought Kolya would be with him.
But then again, there’s been simmering tension between the two of them since Yan’s injury. They barely address each other, even in Russian. Adrian has been going out a lot during the day with the other men, and Kolya has hardly left Yan’s side
When we enter, he closes his laptop and stands up.
“Is he better?” I offer Kolya food.
He takes it and places it on the nightstand. “Yes. I believe so.”
Jeremy sits on the floor running his figurine over the sheet, but it’s far enough from Yan so that it doesn’t cause him discomfort.
“Mrs. Volkov.”
My attention slides from Jeremy to Kolya. “Yes?”
“Please leave. Boss gave clear instructions about not welcoming you here anymore.”
I grit my teeth. That fucking asshole.
“I’m not leaving.” I cross my arms. “And if Adrian says anything, tell him I insisted.”
Kolya’s face remains stoic as he murmurs, “You’re making Yan’s case worse, not better, Mrs. Volkov.”
“Surely he wouldn’t hurt his injured man because I want to visit him.”
“No, but he’ll suspect him more.”
I frown. “Suspect him?”
“Boss thinks Yan could’ve been behind your kidnapping.”
“What the hell? He got shot. Twice.”
Kolya’s jaw tightens. “He thinks Yan could’ve done that on purpose to get away with it.”
“Holy shit. Your boss is a fucking dictator.”
I can tell Kolya wants to defend Adrian, but something stops him. Or someone. Yan’s inert body. So that’s the reason behind the tension between them. Adrian suspects Yan, and the senior guard doesn’t like it.
“Did you tell him your version of events, Mrs. Volkov?”
“Of course.” The bastard made me repeat it again and again as if to make sure I wasn’t making things up and that I was retelling it as it happened.
I didn’t mention the man shadow and what he said. I screwed some details up to make it seem like the kidnappers threw us out of the car and left. I heard Adrian talk to one of his men, who said that they found a disfigured corpse with the car that fell down the cliff. It must’ve been Rifle Man.
No one mentioned anything about the other man. The shadow, who said that I have a mission and called me Duchess. I doubted that would help Adrian in any way, and it would’ve been bad for me.
Because even I still don’t understand what his words mean.
But I didn’t think Adrian would believe Yan had betrayed him. He’s such a bastard for suspecting his closest people.
“Mommy.” Jeremy tugs on my dress.
“Yes, angel?”
“I want to bring my war zone here.”
“Okay.” I pause before complying. “Can you do it, Kolya?”
“I’m taking care of Yan.”
“I’ll do it.”
“It’s better if you don’t. Boss doesn’t like it.”
“I told you, I don’t care what he does or doesn’t like.”
Kolya remains there for a few seconds and when it’s clear that I won’t budge, he releases a small sigh. “Very well.”
“I wanna come too! I wanna come too!” Jeremy releases me and goes to his father’s closest guard. “Take me, Kolya.”
“Keep an eye on him.” Kolya tips his head in Yan’s direction and I nod.
After the door closes behind them, I pull the covers up a little over his body. “I’m sorry your boss is a major fucking jerk, Yan.”
His lips move in what resembles a smile before his eyes open. When he speaks, his voice is hoarse. “He always was. Are you only seeing it now?”
“Yan! Do you need anything? Should I get you water or food or—”
My words cut off when he lifts his hand and wraps it around mine. “Thank you for saving me.”
“Sure…”
The look in his eyes coupled with his touch is throwing me off. There’s something behind them, but what?
As if sensing my reaction, he pulls his hand from mine. “To show my gratitude, I want you to go somewhere.”
“Somewhere?”
“Kolya is the only guard inside. So you won’t have anyone to stop you now that he’s not here.”
“Stop me from what?”
“The second story, Mrs. Volkov. The one you’ve been looking at for weeks.”
My heart leaps to my throat as his words register. He noticed.
I have contemplated going up there ever since I had the chance to come here and visit Yan, but Kolya always, without doubt, escorts me out after every visit.
And I haven’t had the courage to come back during the night, especially with how often I pass out due to Adrian’s thorough fucking.
“Kolya is Adrian’s number one man and confidant,” Yan says. “His loyalty lies with him and always will, no matter what the boss does. Make no mistake, if he finds you, he won’t hesitate to sell you out, so you better hurry up.”
“What about you, Yan? Wouldn’t this get you in trouble?”
“I’m just a patient asleep. I’ll pretend I know nothing.” He winks, and my heart thunders.
Holy shit. I saw that wink before, but where? Where?
“Go,” he whispers.
A part of me doesn’t want to, a part of me wants to bury my head under the sand like little Miss Ostrich.
But that part doesn’t win.
Because the biggest part of me wants to go up there and see what’s going on. Maybe if I do, I can find a solution to the situation I’m in. Maybe I can finally get rid of the nightmares.
I squeeze Yan’s arm as a message of thanks, then leave the room. I go up the stairs two at a time because I know Kolya won’t take long to return. As soon as I’m on the second floor, a gloomy sensation crawls up my skin.
Marionette strings snap in my neck as I take mechanical steps down the hall. I shouldn’t know where I’m going and yet, it feels like I do.
I don’t open the first or the second door and, instead, stop in front of the last one to the right. The one with the window I saw that day.
My fingers tremble as I turn the doorknob. I expect it to snap shut and lock me out, but a soft click echoes in the air.
As it opens, the hinges make a small squeaky sound like the ones from horror movies and heart-pounding thrillers.
I don’t know why I think a monster is waiting for me on the other side.
It’s not.
It’s way worse.
Someone lies on a simple bed.
Wires are hooked to the person’s arm. They’re still, unmoving, like they’re dead. But the beeping machine to the right shows a normal beat.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
My sweaty fingers release the doorknob as I approach the bed slowly. My feet are about to fail me, my heart is thudding so loud, it would’ve broken the machine if it were attached to one.
My palms cover my mouth as I stare at the person lying there.
She’s wearing a white nightgown like in the nightmare, her dark hair splaying all over the pillow and her skin is pasty white.
The woolen sheet covers her to the breasts and her hands are crossed on her stomach as if she’s in a casket.
Lia Volkov.
The real Lia Volkov.
I thought she was dead. How could she be…? Why is she…?
My thoughts tumble over each other with no clear direction as a sickening feeling settles over my stomach, demanding I throw up my breakfast.
Her eyes snap open, their blue clashing with mine.
I stumble backward as my mouth opens in a shriek.
