When I wake up, I’m alone.
Ras’s side of the bed is cold.
A ball appears in my throat as I remember last night. I lied and said I didn’t love him even though nothing could be further from the truth.
My fingers claw at the sheets, nearly tearing the fabric, and I press my face into his pillow, searching for his scent. It fills my lungs. Silent sobs wrack my chest, and my tears soak the pillowcase, but the cathartic relief is temporary. When I dry my eyes, everything is still the same.
I’m leaving the man I love today.
I pull myself together and get out of bed. I don’t want Ras to see me looking like a mess, so I take my time putting on my makeup and fixing up my hair. The bruise on my cheek is gone, but the one on my heart will be there forever.
Papà’s plane is supposed to come for me this morning, landing in a small private airfield a short drive from here. There isn’t much to pack. I pull the linen shirt and dresses I bought at the market off their hangers and stuff them into my tote. The necklace Ras got me from the jewelry shop in town hangs off a hook in the closet. I can’t bring myself to leave it, even though I know every time I’ll look at it, it’ll probably make me cry. I slip it around my neck, and the stone is cool against my skin.
Fifteen minutes later, I’m ready to go.
I find Ras in the kitchen, slumped on a stool by the island. He looks like he hasn’t slept.
My gaze brushes over his profile, noting the dark bags under his eyes and the disheveled hair. On the counter is a half-empty bottle of whiskey. Has he been drinking through the night? There’s no glass in front of him, but I spot one in the sink.
He hears me and shoots me a lifeless glance.
I don’t think he’s drunk.
I think he stopped drinking a while ago and spent the rest of the time thinking about what a bitch I am.
I hope that’s what he did. I hope he hates me. I deserve it. God, I deserve it.
Maybe when he returns to Damiano and smooths things over with him, he’ll forgive me. With time, he’ll realize what a mistake it would have been to throw his life away for someone like me. He’ll see me by Rafaele’s side and wonder how he ever could have loved me.
No matter how much it hurts now, I’m making the right choice. After I’m home and everything is fixed, Dem will take Ras back. He’ll forgive him. I’ll make sure of it.
I drop my bag on the ground, pick up the burner phone and start flipping through a local newspaper for a taxi number. I should have done this yesterday, but after our fight, I was too much of a coward to face him.
“I’ll take you,” he says, his voice no more than a harsh rasp. He stands up and drains a glass of water.
Grief batters my insides. “I can take a taxi.”
He doesn’t answer, just takes the keys, picks up my bag, and brushes past me.
We get into the car. The silence is suffocating, but the alternative—speaking—would be even worse. What is there to say? Words won’t make this better.
He must be thinking—I’ve given up so much for her but it’s still not enough to make this work. What more does she want from me? I have nothing else to give.
He doesn’t understand. When you love someone, you don’t want them to lose everything because of you. You don’t want to be the end. You want to be the beginning.
When we get to the edge of the airfield, my throat is in a vise. He parks the car and places his palms on his thighs, his gaze aimed forward at where the plane is waiting.
I want to kiss him, but even after the lies I’ve told him, I discover that my cruelty has a limit. I don’t move except to curl my fingers around the pendant.
“I’ll never forget this,” I whisper.
His Adam’s apple bobs. For a moment, it looks like he wants to say something, but then his jaw hardens, and I know he won’t.
I take one final breath, savoring the way his scent is laced through the air, and then I get out of the car.
Vince is waiting for me in a black sedan when I come out of the airport. I’m escorted by two of Papà’s guys. I’m fully aware they’re watching my every move. One of them opens the car door, and I slide into the back seat beside my brother.
Vince studies me for a long moment. “You okay?” he asks finally, his tone guarded.
I give him a terse nod. “I’m fine.” My anger at him pales in comparison to the other emotions swirling inside my chest. I don’t have the energy for a confrontation, but I’m determined not to let him see how much I’m hurting.
His gaze lingers on the side of my face before he says to the driver, “Take us home.”
A bitter feeling solidifies inside my gut. Home. Where we’re going isn’t my home. Not anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to walk by Papà’s office without remembering what happened there.
“Why did you decide to come back?” Vince asks as we start moving.
The long flight gave me a chance to put together my official story, and it hangs on my ability to mask my true feelings for Ras. I’m going to say I begged him to take me away, and that he obliged despite the grave risk to himself. I’ll blame my poor decisions on my distressed state after Papà’s attack. And I’ll explain that when I calmed down, I realized my place is back in New York.
If anyone asks why Ras didn’t escort me back, I’ll say it’s because Damiano summoned him back to Italy.
By now, Ras has to be on his way back home, right? What else would he do? And Damiano will take him back. He has to. I wanted to call Vale as soon as I landed so I could tell her the same story I’m about to tell Vince, but my phone was practically ripped out of my hands by the guys who came to pick me up. Something tells me it will be a while before I get it back.
“Did Cleo tell you what happened before Papà got arrested?”
Vince looks uncomfortable. “Yes.”
“Then you can understand that I wasn’t thinking clearly. I convinced Ras to help me get away because I didn’t know what else to do. I was scared.”
A jolt of surprise travels up my spine when Vince reaches over and takes my hand in his.
“Gem, I’m sorry,” he says, his voice wavering. “I had no idea Papà was hurting you. Cleo told me you said it wasn’t the first time either.”
I bite my tongue. You may have had an idea if you hadn’t left us here to do whatever the hell you’re doing in Europe.
“It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine. I told Papà if he ever does it again, I’ll tell Rafaele to cut the five years Papà has left as don short. The only reason he’s getting out of jail is because you’re here now. He owes you everything.”
He squeezes my limp hand, but I quickly tug it back on my lap. His words feel empty and a few years too late. I don’t need his protection and love now. It’s too late for that.
“When are you going back to Europe?” I ask.
“After your wedding.”
“Want to make sure I don’t do anything else to make your deal fall through? Don’t worry. I’m going to marry Rafaele,” I say dryly.
He swallows audibly. “Gem, I should have been open with you about the—”
“I don’t want to hear it.”
He doesn’t listen and keeps going. “I didn’t think you’d mind. You never seemed like you wished for more than this. At least not like the rest of us did.”
Outrage unfurls inside my chest. How dare he? “Just because I wasn’t breaking into Papà’s bank account like you or doing outrageous shit like Cleo, you assumed you could take control of my life and do whatever you wanted with it? Did you really think I’d be happy being a pawn on your chessboard?”
“No, that’s not—”
“Should I thank you for making all these choices for me?” I pin him with my gaze. Whatever he sees inside of it makes him pale.
“Maybe you’re right,” I say coldly. “What more could I possibly want?”
“I’m just saying—”
“Honestly, I don’t care what you have to say at this point. I’m tired. It’s been a long journey. You’re getting everything you want, so maybe you can be kind enough to give me just one thing in return.”
“What?” he asks.
“Silence. I don’t want to talk to you.”
There’s remorse in his gaze, but I don’t care. It does nothing to soften my feelings toward him.
“Okay,” he says quietly.
I turn to the window, the backs of my eyes starting to prickle.
We pull into the driveway, and I hop out of the car as soon as it stops. Vince doesn’t follow me.
Inside, the house is cold and empty. My skin still tingles with the memory of Greek sun. In a few weeks, my tan will fade. It will be like I was never there.
There are people waiting for me, house staff and a handful of made men. I barely acknowledge them. They’re here to guard me. It’s so obvious that there’s no point in pretending that’s not the case.
Mamma and Cleo aren’t here. I ask about them, and I’m told they’re visiting Papà and will be back soon.
I go up to my room, wash up in the bathroom, and then fold myself into the small window seat, pulling a blanket over my lap.
The stitches around my heart start to tear.
The fantasy Ras and I created was far better than reality. It was perfect.
And now it’s gone forever.
Tears rise in my eyes, and before long, they’re spilling down my cheeks. I move to the bed, press my face into the pillow, and cry until I pass out.
A sound wakes me. I sit up, my head groggy from the jet lag, and glance around the room. The door opens.
Cleo.
My chest swells at seeing my sister. She rushes over and throws herself at me, her arms looping around my waist.
I hug her back, letting the warmth of her embrace seep into my bones. It feels like it’s been forever since I last saw her, even if it’s only been a bit more than a week.
“You shouldn’t have come back to this mess,” she says, pressing her face against my chest bone.
Sighing, I run my palm over her curls. “I had to.”
“Don’t tell me you did it for Papà.” She lets go of me and maneuvers herself to sit cross-legged by my side. “As far as I’m concerned, he’s exactly where he belongs.”
“No, I didn’t do it for Papà,” I say quietly.
Cleo frowns. “You look sad. What happened while you were gone, Gem? Tell me everything.”
There’s one thing I have to do first. “Do you have your phone with you? I’ve been trying to call Vale.” I want to make sure Ras has returned safely and that Damiano isn’t putting any blame on him.
Cleo shakes her head. “I don’t have my phone anymore. Mamma took it from me this morning. She knows I’d give it to you if you asked, and they’re keeping you under lock and key until you’ve got a wedding band on your finger. By the way, I have your engagement ring. You left it on the counter in the penthouse the night we stayed there.”
Damn it. I won’t be able to call Vale. So I just have to pray that everything worked out on that side of the world? Damiano must be in contact with Vince, though. My brother will for sure tell him what I’ve said about Ras.
“Gem?”
I blink, realizing Cleo’s looking at me expectantly.
She nudges my knee. “What’s going on?”
Can I tell her the truth? Just the thought of doing it makes an ache move down my throat. But there’s no one else I can talk to about Ras, and I do want to talk about Ras.
It’s been less than a day, and I already miss him so much.
Tears well up in my eyes. “I don’t even know where to start.”
My choked-up voice makes worry slip into Cleo’s expression. “Are you okay?” She scans me over with her gaze. “Are you still hurt?”
“Physically, I’m fine.”
“What is it then?”
I sniff. “I came back because of Ras. He took me away even though Damiano didn’t want him to, and he got himself into a lot of trouble. I couldn’t be responsible for ruining his life.”
“Why would Ras do that?”
“Because he…” I start crying again. God, this isn’t like me. I’m not usually a leaky faucet, but just thinking about what I lost sends me into despair.
Cleo moves up the bed and kneels beside me. “Something happened between the two of you.”
My temple prickles in the exact place where his lips traced out the words.
“I love you, Peaches.”
I’m overcome with a longing so strong that my throat closes right up.
Cleo’s eyes widen. “Gemma, what did you do?” she asks quietly. “Did you fall for each other?”
All I can do is nod.
She cradles my face in her hands, her eyes turning pink at the edges. “Oh, Gem. You’re so broken up over this. You should have stayed with him.
“I couldn’t,” I croak. “Don’t you understand that if I didn’t come back, Ras would have lost everything? He acted rashly in the moment because he was so upset about seeing me hurt. He disobeyed Damiano, who’s his don. We would have had to live out our lives in hiding if I’d stayed.”
She pulls her hands away. “And would you have minded that? I mean, you would have figured out a way to come out of hiding eventually.”
I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. “No, I wouldn’t have minded, but reality would have caught up with us sooner or later, and Ras would have regretted losing his position as the underboss of the Casalesi. How could I ask him to give up the title he’s worked so hard to get? How could I ask him to turn his back on his friend, a person he so clearly loves like a brother?”
“It doesn’t sound like you asked him for anything, Gem. He did it willingly. Instead of rushing to solve his problems, you should have left the choice to him.”
Her words land with a sting. Why does it feel like she’s attacking me right now? “I did what was right. He would have regretted it sooner or later.”
“You can’t possibly know that.”
Frustration runs through me, and I get off the bed. “I didn’t share all of this with you so you can judge my decision. This is hard enough as it is.”
Cleo’s expression softens as she watches me pace the room. “I know. I can see that. But you need to hear this, so I’m going to say it. I’m not going to celebrate you for sacrificing yourself anymore. I should have stopped doing it a long time ago.”
“What does that mean?”
“Gem, can’t you see? You’ve done this all your life. You make everyone else’s problems your own and try to solve them no matter what it costs you. It’s not your responsibility to do that.”
Ras said something like that to me once. “That’s just how I am.”
Cleo shakes her head. “It’s how our parents forced you to be. Their love has always been conditional, predicated on you doing things like this.”
Hurt blooms inside my chest. “That’s not true.”
“It is true. I’ve been thinking about our childhood a lot ever since Vale ran away. Remembering things. Do you realize we were never given love by them unless we earned it? If we didn’t behave the way they wanted us to, do you remember what they’d do? If we acted out at family events, they’d lock us up in empty rooms and leave us to cry on our own.”
I flinch. No, that didn’t happen. “I don’t remember that.”
“Maybe you chose to forget. What about that time at Tito’s birthday when you ate a piece of chocolate cake even though Mamma said you weren’t allowed. You were eight, and she was already managing your weight. When she saw chocolate smeared on your lips, she lost it. She cut off another slice, put it on a plate, and then… Don’t you remember what she did?”
A fuzzy snapshot surfaces, but a moment later, it’s gone. “No.”
Cleo exhales a low breath. “She shoved your face into the cake in front of everyone and called you a little pig. It was cruel. You cried for hours afterward, which only made her more mad.”
Horror seeps into my veins as the snapshot turns into a movie. “Oh my God.”
She’s right. I remember now.
That poor little girl.
I was so excited about that cake. It was the most beautiful cake I’d ever seen, with elaborate white flowers piped around it, and syrup-soaked cherries piled in the center. It sparkled. Tito was upset. He’d wanted a rainbow cake with cars on it, but they’d made a mistake at the bakery. He said this cake was too girly, but when his ma gave him a slice, he ate it anyway. That first bite made me close my eyes with pleasure. It was so good.
But a few minutes later, the whole day was ruined.
I sway.
Cleo jumps to the floor and leads me to sit down in a chair. “You’re remembering now, aren’t you?”
My eyes flood with tears. “Yes. I can’t believe I forgot.”
“That’s just one time. There were so many others. They made you this way, Gem. They made you feel like if you aren’t being perfect and doing all of these things for them, they’ll reject you.”
The truth in her words hits me right in the center of my chest. I fold over, my elbows on my knees and my head between my palms. More memories come flooding in.
Me at age six. Mother’s Day. Mamma doesn’t like the dress I picked out, even though it’s my favorite—midnight blue with little sparkling stars sewn in. She tells me to change out of it because it looks cheap. I tell her I like it. She starts yelling. I start crying. She tears it off me, the buttons getting tangled and pulling out my hair, and throws it in the fire in the living room. “You have two minutes to stop your whining or we’re leaving you at home.”
Vale tries to argue with her, but she’s only nine. When I come out in the dress Mamma wants me to wear, the anger leaves Mamma’s expression. She smiles. “There, Gemma. The pink dress looks so much better on you. You’re a completely different girl.”
My fingers drift over my lips. It feels like a veil has been lifted, and I can see clearly for the first time.
“I can’t believe I forgot.”
“Maybe that’s what you had to do for it not to hurt so much.”
I meet Cleo’s gaze. “But you didn’t.”
Her eyes are shining. “I stopped playing their game a long time ago. And so can you.”
“I don’t know how,” I mumble through the tears that are now dripping down my face. “Ras told me I was enough for him, but I didn’t believe him.”
“Oh, Gem.” She pulls me into her arms. “How could you believe him when you’ve been told your whole life that you’re not? But he was telling you the truth. You are more than enough.”
I clutch onto Cleo and squeeze my eyes shut as my emotions threaten to overwhelm me.
I don’t think I’ve ever understood the damage our parents have done until now. They’ve robbed us of so much.
A happy childhood.
A loving family.
A mind that’s not filled with fear and doubts.
But worst of all, they robbed me of Ras.
And I let them.
