that I can’t seem to shake, I can still feel his hand on my leg as I stand here in the shower. I’ve never experienced a moment so electrified, so heated. I was afraid I was going to drip my arousal down my leg.
How embarrassing… I would have been mortified.
Would he think I’m some inexperienced woman who gets overly affected by just a touch to the thigh?
It’s been three days, and I’ve dodged him every chance I can. Dinners have been eaten in the dark, late at night, so I don’t have to sit through the torture of his stare. He may desire me, but I’m not who he thinks I am. I will just wind up being a huge disappointment.
I mean, what kind of twenty-one-year-old woman is this scared of having sex again? I’m too embarrassed to even go to therapy. Therapy that I clearly need.
I’m sure a lot of this stems from my upbringing. Not feeling good enough for my own parents has transferred over to my love life. All Trevor did was give me the little push that I needed. I mean…would it have killed my parents to just pretend they wanted me as much as my siblings? I would have accepted the façade. Maybe then my heart wouldn’t hurt so much; maybe then I would actually believe in myself and my abilities.
The real reason I don’t go to therapy, though, is that I don’t want to sound whiny. It’s not lost on me that I’m still a very privileged person. I was born into a family that took care of my basic needs, I never wanted for anything—not materially, at least. I graduated from a great university with no college debt. I would feel like a spoiled brat going to talk to someone to complain about minuscule things like ‘my mommy and daddy didn’t love me enough.’
As soon as I’m done with my shower, I peek into Sienna’s room to see her still sleeping. Gabriel is already out the door and at work. He’s been going in early since our little exchange on Sunday. Clearly, I’m not the only one who doesn’t know how to act now.
I head downstairs to make myself a cup of coffee, sitting down on the couch to read a book until Sienna wakes up.
I know I should be looking for work, but I still feel so lost. What city do I even apply in? Do I go back to Columbus and live near my parents, pretending like they even care if they have me nearby?
Cleveland has Alicia. Could I live in this city knowing Sienna and Gabriel live here but also knowing there would be no reason to see them? After all, I’m just the temporary nanny.
Why does it feel like so much more than that?
The truth is, I do enjoy finance, and I would like to start my career. I just don’t know where I belong. It feels like I have no sense of direction, no idea where I should settle down. I guess that’s the feeling you get when no one is there waiting for you. I could move to Alaska, and I don’t think anybody would care.
Maybe I need a fresh start somewhere else new.
‘Hi, Alex,’ Sienna’s angelic voice pulls me from my thoughts.
She’s standing in front of me in her purple pajama set with silver stars scattered everywhere.
‘Morning, sunshine.’ I open my arms for her to join me.
This has become a routine for us in the mornings. She snuggles with me until she’s fully awake. We talk about what we want to do for the day and just enjoy each other’s closeness. It’s become my favorite part of the day— when there’s nowhere I need to be, nothing else I need to be doing. My brain is silent, and I can just enjoy her.
After she climbs into my lap, I give her a couple minutes of silence before I start our conversation.
‘So, what do you feel like doing today?’ I ask her.
She looks up at me with her big, brown eyes. ‘I think we should go to the pool.’
‘We can do that. I’d have to ask your dad what pool you guys go to.’
I try to play it off as if this is no big deal, but the thought of texting him has my heart fluttering.
‘First things first: let’s have some breakfast,’ I tell her.
While I made scrambled eggs and toast, I texted Gabe. He responded quickly telling me to go to the country club. It took a while through text to figure out the actual name of the club is The Country Club. I kept thinking he was just fucking with me, refusing to tell me the name, like I should have been able to just figure out which one he was referring to.
So, here I am, driving to some fancy schmancy club that I won’t feel comfortable at. Are there going to be rich housewives watching me…judging me? Ugh, just the thought of it makes me squirm. When I pull onto the grounds, the large greenery captures my attention and I round up to a large building that looks like a mansion.
‘Um, am I at the right place?’ I ask Sienna.
She looks out the window. ‘Uh huh! Yay, I’m so excited! Can I get some ice cream after? It’s so yummy!’
I chuckle. ‘Your dad said you might be asking for that. We’re going to have lunch afterward, so I guess ice cream depends on if you eat your food.’
She smiles at me. ‘You know I always eat my food.’
‘That I do, girl!’
After I park the car, I grab our bag and walk around the building to where Gabe instructed me to go. He gave me his code and told me to just tell them I’m his nanny and I will be taken care of. According to him, his Ma brought Sienna up here all the time, so they should recognize her.
When we get to the pool grounds, I spot the little kid area, and we make our way inside. There are moms everywhere with their kids, but so far, everyone seems to be minding their own business.
Okay, not so bad. Maybe I was overthinking it.
‘Okay, sweetness. Let’s get your sunscreen on,’ I tell Sienna once I find two lounge chairs along the edge of the pool.
Even though this girl has a perfect olive complexion, I lather her up in SPF 50. I switch to SPF 15 for myself so I can work on my tan. Once we’re both ready, Sienna holds her hand out to me, and we both go to the kid’s pool. It’s only about a foot deep, but it’s up to her knees. I put my feet in and sit on the edge of the pool while Sienna starts to jump under the water and splash around.
It’s been over an hour, and as I start to feel overheated, I worry that Sienna is going to get burnt or overdo it.
‘Okay, girl. Let’s go check out the food here. Maybe see about that ice cream.’
Sienna jumps out of the pool faster than I thought possible.
‘Yay!’ She dances as I wrap a towel around her.
We walk out of the gated pool area to the outside tables. The umbrellas offer a nice break from the sun. I look around at the view of the golf course and feel spoiled that I get to partake in this treatment for my job.
When the waiter comes up, I order Sienna a sandwich and myself a salad.
‘Do you come here a lot?’ I ask her as we wait for our food.
‘Yep. Grandma takes me, Daddy takes me, sometimes Mia takes me. I love it!’
‘You’re a lucky girl. I hope you know that,’ I tell her.
‘I am? Why?’ she asks, looking puzzled.
‘Because you have a family that loves you so much.’
I see her brain work as she contemplates my words. She looks a lot like her father right now.
‘What about you? Don’t you have a family that loves you a lot?’ she questions.
‘I have parents and some half-siblings. We love each other.’
‘But not a lot?’ She looks sad as she asks.
I smile at her. ‘Well, maybe not as much as what you have. But…I’m still grateful for what I have.’
Okay, that’s a lie. Well, it’s a partial lie, but this is not the setting for this conversation, and she’s only four. There’s no need to go down that dark path with her.
When the food gets here, Sienna is true to her word and polishes it off quickly. I’m only halfway done with my salad when she’s had all her fruit and sandwich.
‘Dang, girl! You were hungry.’ I look at her in shock.
They gave her a full, adult-sized sandwich. I’m not sure where she just put it all, but I’m nervous to give her ice cream now.
‘I always get hungry after I swim. Daddy says I eat like a human garbage disposal. I don’t know what that means. Do I get my ice cream now?’ she speaks emphatically, not stopping to take a breath or gather her thoughts.
I laugh at her pure innocence and joy over something as simple as ice cream. It’s kind of contagious.
‘You got it, dude. I think I’m gonna have one too,’ I tell her.
She sits up tall. ‘Daddy never eats ice cream with me here.’
‘He probably doesn’t want his friends making fun of him. But lucky for you, I don’t know anyone here.’
I put in an order for two ice cream sundaes, and when they arrive, we both scarf them down without stopping to talk even for a second. We finish at the same time and both lean back on our chairs as we struggle to move.
‘I’m so full,’ she moans.
‘Ugh, me too! But you know what?’ I ask. ‘It was totally worth it.’
I hold out my fist for her to bump. She knocks hers against mine and we both erupt into a fit of giggles.
An hour later, we are home, freshly showered, and playing in her toy room. Sienna’s making me something to eat in her pretend kitchen when I get a text.
Alicia: What are you doing this Friday?
Yes! I need to get out this weekend. This week is slowly killing me trying to avoid Gabriel at every twist and turn.
Me: I’m going out with you! What are we doing?
I haven’t felt the need to party and let loose since my early college years. This weekend I’m going to stop thinking about my boss, and I’m going to act like a normal twenty-one-year-old. Minus not being able to calm down enough to be with a guy.
Alicia: We are going bar hopping on 4th Street.
It’s like she knows exactly what I need. Now all I have to do is dodge Gabe tonight and tomorrow. Easy.
