I could think about was how insanely hot Gabe looked in athletic shorts, all sweaty and sticky. Ugh, but the fact that I basically admitted to him that I wanted to lick him clean.
I’ve never put my foot in my mouth like that before. Then again, no man has ever made me feel like this.
But none of that matters because tonight I’m going out with Alicia, and she is going to help me forget all about my humiliating life. It’s already eight, and she is going to be here in thirty minutes to pick me up with an Uber. I need to focus on getting my smokey eye makeup right. I’ve been watching some social media star’s video for the last five minutes, trying to understand her technique.
Ten minutes later, I’m looking in the mirror and can barely recognize myself. I used contouring tips from her, and the eye makeup complements it so well. My hair is down in loose waves, and I picked a red dress that is flowy on the bottom but hugs my waist and shows off my chest in a classy way.
Now time to do the dreaded walk downstairs. I know I don’t owe Gabe a heads-up that I’m going out, but I am living under his roof, and a part of me still feels like I need to tell him I’m leaving.
I find him in his study wearing glasses as he reads something on the computer.
I didn’t know he had reading glasses, but my ovaries can’t handle it right now. He looks so stunningly handsome; I actually feel a weird pressure in my chest.
He looks up at me and does a double-take before his eyes look at me from head to toe.
‘Going out tonight?’ His voice holds a sort of anger to it.
I take shaky steps closer to his door, stopping right outside his office. I’m reminded of what could have happened in here if I hadn’t stopped it. I didn’t want to, everything in me was telling me it was going to be amazing, but that fearful part of my brain took over, and it got loud. Too loud for me to ignore.
‘I am. I wanted to let you know I was going to be gone most of the night. Depending on the time, I might just spend the night at Alicia’s.’
His jaw tightens.
‘I see. Any special occasion you’re so dressed up for?’ He looks back at my dress.
I look down at myself. ‘Oh, not really. Alicia just told me to get dressed up because we were going out.’
‘You look beautiful,’ he tells me.
My heart skips a beat at his compliment.
‘Thank you.’
We hold each other’s eyes for what feels like an eternity. So many unspoken words are drifting through the air, waiting for someone to admit the truth between us.
Not able to stand here in silence any longer, I nod my head and turn around to walk away.
‘Alexis,’ his voice rings.
I turn around and see him standing from his seat, getting ready to chase me if he needed to.
‘Yes?’ I answer.
His shoulders sag as I see a slightly insecure man in front of me for the first time.
‘I’ve been meaning to apologize to you for the other night. I had too many glasses of wine, and I crossed a line. I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.’
He didn’t make me uncomfortable in the way he thinks. I don’t know whether to let him go on feeling bad about it, thinking he misread me, or to put him out of his misery and tell him it was me, not him. Neither response is free of complications.
‘There’s no need for an apology. I…’ I stumble on my words. ‘The thing is—it’s not that I wasn’t uncomfortable, I was…but not for the reason you think,’ I say.
‘Shit. I’m sorry, Alexis. I was completely out of line. I hope you know I won’t let something like that happen again. The last thing I want is for you to feel unsafe here.’
Those words coming out of his mouth are like a dagger. He won’t let it happen again? What if I want it to happen again?
Do I want it to?
His phone rings, interrupting our conversation. When he looks at his screen, he releases a frustrated sigh.
‘I’m sorry, Alexis. I have to take this.’
I nod my head and walk to the kitchen to grab a water.
By the time Alicia arrives, I’m waiting outside and all shaken up from my talk with Gabe.
‘Damn, you look sexy,’ she tells me as I hop in the back seat with her.
‘Thanks.’ I force a smile as the driver moves forward.
As we’re pulling out of the driveway, the car passes the bay window in Gabe’s study. I catch him standing there on the phone as he watches the car drive away.
‘Okay, spill the beans. What’s gotten into you lately?’ Alicia’s muffled voice barely registers.
‘Huh?’ I look back at her. ‘Oh, sorry. I was just distracted by a conversation I had. No biggie. So, tell me…what’s going on with that guy from your new job?’
Alicia’s face lights up at the mention of his name. ‘Craig. I can’t get a read on him, but he is so damn fine. He’s a bit older. I never noticed how sexy older men are when they can afford to dress and smell so damn good.’
She’s got that right. Gabriel puts the guys at my college to shame with his fancy suits and designer cologne. My body gets goosebumps whenever he walks by me, and I get a trace of his scent.
I laugh as Alicia tells me more about Craig. The girl can get infatuated pretty easily, but it sounds like she’s smitten with him.
Once we arrive downtown, we get dropped off right outside the first bar. It has live music, and the nightlife has already started to form. We push our way to the bar, where we order our drinks.
‘Let’s go find a spot in the back. I need to get some drinks in me before we dance,’ she shouts.
I gesture my head in agreement and duck around a group of girls that may have already had one too many drinks. A flash of Sienna and Gabe snuggling on the couch watching a movie hits me, and a twinge of jealousy hits.
I wish I was with them right now.
It’s a completely ridiculous thought. There’s no room for me to be taking part in those little family moments… I’m the nanny.
We find a high-top table closer to the entrance, which gives us a nice separation from the craziness of it all.
‘So,’ Alicia starts after she takes a sip of her martini. ‘Tell me more about what it’s like working for Mr. Hottie!’
Ugh, she has no idea the can of worms she’s opening with that question. I’ve been reluctant to tell Alicia about the sexual tension occupying the space in the house.
‘It’s been amazing working with Sienna. She’s the best,’ I smile as I think of her.
Alicia gives me a skeptical look. ‘What aren’t you telling me?’
‘What are you talking about?’ I try to come off as casual and cool.
‘Well, you got noticeably uncomfortable when I brought up Mr. Hottie, and you blushed. You also completely avoided my question.’
She’s right. I’m trying my best to avoid any topic involving Gabe. It’s wearing on me, and I need somebody to talk about it with. My shoulders sag in defeat.
‘You got me,’ I tell her. ‘I’m totally trying to dodge this topic. It’s just…I don’t even know what’s going on myself.’
‘Wait a minute! Is there something going on between you and Mr. Giannelli?’
‘Alicia! Don’t call him that. It makes this whole thing feel weird. And…I don’t know if there’s something going on. Kind of. It feels like there is.’
She looks confused. ‘Okay, you need to give me more than that. Have you and Gabe had sex?’
‘No, nothing has happened between us. Well, one night, I think it could have happened. And he has mentioned how attracted he is to me. I just…I’m nervous to go there with him. It’s so inappropriate.’
‘Why the hell would you say that?’ she raises her voice.
‘Because I’m the nanny! It’s like the classic stereotype. Sexy dad gets caught in bed with the younger nanny.’
‘Sometimes the classics are the best. Like watching Dirty Dancing or Friends.‘
I laugh at her comparisons. I’m not sure sleeping with my boss is like watching a movie or TV show. I take another sip of my martini, needing some more liquid courage for this conversation.
‘What about Sienna? I don’t want to hurt her in any way.’
Alicia considers my words. ‘Well, this is a temporary position. I can see how that would make sense if you were going to stay her nanny. But if this whole thing has an expiration date anyway, I say have some fun!’
She winks at me and turns around to get a view of the band, leaving me a minute to ponder over her words.
She does have a point. There is an expiration date, so we don’t have anything to lose if something did happen. The question is do I want something to happen?
Like some kind of fate, my phone vibrates with a text from Gabriel.
Gabriel: I’m sorry we got interrupted. Once again, Alexis, I’m so sorry for making you feel uncomfortable.
I look up at Alicia as she dances in her seat to the music. The band here is really good and I can tell that her one martini is already kicking in. I look down at my now empty glass and realize I may be feeling it as well. That may be the reason for my next text.
Me: The only thing that made me uncomfortable was my stupid insecurities.
Shit, I said it! My hands are shaking as I clutch my phone for dear life. What happens if he asks me to elaborate?
‘This band is amazing!’ Alicia turns to me and smiles as our next order of martinis arrives at our table.
I smile at her, pretending like I’m just as into the show as she is. ‘I know! What a great spot to come to tonight!’
I take a big sip of my drink as I wait for his text. I’m about to give up on him when my phone vibrates in my hand.
Gabriel: What the hell do you have to be insecure about?
A bitter laugh escapes me as I think about my entire life. Maybe the fact that I’ve never been enough for anybody.
Me: I don’t know. Maybe the fact that the only person I ever had sex with told me how bad I was at it. The fact that I haven’t had sex since, and that was years ago. The fact that no man has ever made me come, because I can’t settle my brain enough to relax and enjoy the moment. That I’m broken and bad at sex, and I don’t want to disappoint you.
The words come out fast and full of emotion. Obviously, I’m not going to send it, but it feels good to have typed them out. I move my thumb to hit the backspace button when all of a sudden, the text disappears from the box.
What? Where did it go?
I look up at our thread and see my text sitting there with delivered written below it.
Holy shit! NOOOOO!
That did not just happen. Oh my god! Did I just text my boss and tell him I can’t get off with a man? My entire body is shaking. What the hell do I do? Do I text back and just say I was joking?
I see three dots appear on the screen before disappearing. This happens over and over for the next ten minutes before they disappear for good.
Shit, of course, he has no idea what to say to that! I probably scared him.
‘Girl, you look like someone just kicked your puppy. What’s gotten into you?’ Alicia screams over the music.
I look at her, trying to decide my next move. I decide it’s too humiliating to tell her what just happened, so putting on a brave face is my only option.
I smile at her. ‘Sorry, I was just thinking about something. Do we need another round?’
She looks down at our drinks. ‘We haven’t even finished our second one yet, but I’m game!’
The night goes by quickly after my third drink. We move close to the band as we dance our worries away, literally choosing dancing over focusing on what just happened a couple hours ago. I decide I will just pretend it never happened and avoid him entirely for my remaining month.
Easy enough, I can do that.
