Janessa storms into my hospital room with a no-nonsense air to her and for some strange reason, my shoulders relax.
She looks to the nurse who’s still completing my admittance paperwork and asks, “Can we have a moment? Alone.”
The nurse sends a sympathetic look my way and bobs her head before saying to me, “I’ll give you and your mom a few minutes and then I’ll come back and we’ll get started. Okay, Allie?”
I nod, not bothering to correct her as dread courses through me. She means we’ll get started with the rape kit and God, I don’t even want to think about everything that involves.
I stare down at my hands, noting the bruises on my knuckles. The bloody tears on my fingernails. I suck in a shuddering breath and start counting each bruise on my hands and arms. One. Two. Three. Four…
When we’re alone, Janessa pulls a chair closer to me.
Five. Six…
Taking a seat, she reaches out for my hands but I stiffen and jerk away.
She nods to herself and takes a deep breath. I keep my eyes trained on my hands. I know what she’s going to say.
“Your father couldn’t—”
“I know,” I whisper, not needing her to finish her sentence. Gerald is in an important meeting. He can’t get away. I’ve heard it all before. I shouldn’t have expected anything different.
So why is my stomach twisted up in tight ugly knots?
I swipe a tear away from my face.
I’m his kid. You’re supposed to care about your kids, right? When your daughter is attacked you’re supposed to be there. Mom would have been here. She would have held my hand and smoothed my hair back. She would have told me to cry. That it was going to be okay. And she would have held me.
But none of this is going to be okay. I wasn’t going to be okay.
Another tear escapes and I furiously swipe that one away, too. Mom isn’t here so I can’t cry. No one will hold me. No one will promise me that I’ll make it through this. I can’t break down because no one will be there to help me pick up the pieces.
Janessa releases a breath. It’s a resigned sound. “I’m sorry this happened to you, Allie. So terribly sorry.”
I sit there. What am I supposed to say to that? Am I supposed to comfort her because she feels bad for me? Am I supposed to say I’m sorry it happened, too? Should I tell her how angry I am with myself for being there in the first place? That I’d known better. That I shouldn’t have—
She interrupts my train of thought with a question. “Do you know who did this to you?”
I shake my head as bitter acid coats my tongue. Isn’t that the kicker. That bastard did this to me and I don’t even know who he is. He didn’t know me. We’d never met before but he still did this.
“Did you see his face?”
“No,” I choke out with a hard shake of my head. I ignore the spinning sensation that hits me with the movement and bite back the bile in my throat. The nurses think I have a concussion. He gave me a concussion when he slammed my head against the brick wall of the school. And that’s the least of it all.
“Do you remember anything that might identify him in a lineup?”
I hang my head again. All I remember is his voice. His words. The feel of his body against mine. The pain of him inside of me. And his hand. I remember his hand. I stared at it while he … no. I don’t want to relive it. I don’t want to remember.
I shove the memories as far down as they’ll go and tuck them away with the emotions I refuse to let free right now.
I shake my head.
“Have they done a rape kit, yet?”
I swallow hard and whisper out another, “No.”
She nods to herself. “Do you know if he used a condom?”
My brows pinch together. Why does she want to know that? My mind goes back to that moment. To him pushing me down and ripping my pants off of me. I was turned away from him. He shoved my face down on the ground. Pressed my cheek in the dirt. But I remember the sound of a foil packet. I heard the distinct sound of him tear something open behind me before forcing himself—
My breaths come out as shallow pants and suddenly Janessa is right in my face.
“Allie. Allie.” She snaps her fingers in front of me.
I can’t breathe. I claw at my own throat, desperate for air.
Janessa grabs the back of my neck and forces my head between my legs.
I cry out at the sudden movement but don’t fight her. I can’t. I still can’t breathe.
“Breathe, honey. Just breathe.” Her grip tightens on my neck and inside I’m screaming for her to let go. Not to touch me. But I can’t get the words out. Seconds tick by. Then minutes.
When my breathing finally slows down she lets go and steps back.
“It was just a panic attack,” she says as I lift my head back up.
My vision blurs for a moment but then she comes back into focus.
“Take another breath.”
I do as she tells me and when I no longer feel like my lungs are going to collapse in on me, I mutter out the answer to her last question.
“I… I think he did. I think he used one.”
“Good. That’s good.”
She pulls out her phone and her fingers frantically type across her keyboard before she puts it back in her purse.
Then she leans down and lifts a small bag from the ground that I hadn’t noticed when she first walked in. “Here. I brought you some clothes. Let’s get you dressed and I’ll take you home.”
I nod, accepting the bag but then I stop. “What about the…?” I make a small wave with my hands unable to say the words aloud. Tears prick the corners of my eyes again as I brace myself for what I know will be another form of violation and shame blooms in my chest.
I can’t do it. I just can’t.
They’re going to look at me and touch me. I’ve seen the movies. There will be pictures. Doctors will see me without my clothes. I’ll be exposed. I can’t I just. I can’t.
Janessa takes a step closer and saves me from my panic. “We don’t need to worry about that today.”
I give her a tear-filled, half-hearted smile. “We don’t?”
She shakes her head. “No, sweetheart. We don’t.”
Relief sweeps through me before reality sets in. “But…if we don’t, how will they find him? How will…” I trail off. Because they have to find him, right? He can’t get away with this. He’ll do it again. What if he finds me again? He said he would come back if…
She places a tentative hand on my arm and I stiffen and jerk away from her.
There’s an apology in her gaze as she asks, “Allie, were you drinking this evening?”
I swallow past the lump in my throat and answer honestly with a nod. “But I wasn’t drunk. I didn’t even have one whole drink.” I remember that Kasey snuck mini liquor bottles into the game. She’d given me one. I only took a sip. Drank maybe half of it before I got the call from Julio. “I—”
“I know, honey. I know. But you were drinking and you’re a minor. You don’t know who did this and since you think he used a condom, there won’t be any semen to use to find him, if he is even in the system.”
I stare at her. Stunned. Is she… no. No.
“You’re a young girl. You’re beautiful and smart and you have your whole life ahead of you. But this, this could ruin you. This could ruin your father.”
My father. That’s what this was really about.
“If Ulrich interferes in our deals again, I’ll be happy to make another visit…”
Cold dread consumes me. He’s going to stay out there. He’s going to get away with this. Because of Gerald. Because of my dad.
No. No. No. That’s not right. He’ll find me. If Gerald messes up again. I don’t even know what he did. Why the man came after me. But I do know deep down in the marrow of my bones that he’ll do it again and I have no way of knowing. No way of protecting myself because I don’t even know what he looks like.
I shake my head. No. No! I can’t breathe.
Janessa cups my cheeks as tears fall freely down my face now. “Allie. If we do a rape kit this goes on record. There’s no taking it back. You’ll be questioned. You’ll be blamed. It’s not right. This wasn’t your fault. None of it was your fault. You need to believe that.” Her eyes glass over and I want to shove away from her because how dare she look at me like that. I was the one raped. I was the one who had something taken away from them. Me. Not her. She has no right to act like this hurts her. It only hurts me.
“I know you’re dealing with a lot. I know this is a lot to take in, but I need you to see how this looks on paper. You were drinking while underage. You were dressed provocatively.” I think back to what I’d been wearing. The ripped jeans and crop top hadn’t seemed provocative at the time. It was our big rival game. Everyone dressed up. My stomach had been painted with a red devil and a number 4. It was Roman’s number. So many other students had done something similar. But … was she right? It was a lot of skin, wasn’t it? My entire midriff had been showing.
Oh God.
“Honey, even if they find this guy, if they press charges, his lawyer is going to drag you through the mud. They’ll tarnish your name. Your reputation. And this trauma will consume your life for six months or more. You’ll have to tell a courtroom full of people what happened. Every single detail over and over. The defending attorney will twist your words and turn the blame on you. They’ll make you relive what happened in the hopes that you slip up. That you make a mistake in your story.”
She thumbs my tears away and I bite back a scream as I digest her words because she’s right. I know she’s right. But it feels wrong. He shouldn’t be free. He shouldn’t get away with this.
“They won’t find enough evidence to find who did this. If he didn’t use a condom, if they had his…his fluids, it still might not be enough evidence to convict. I don’t want that for you.”
I shudder and turn away from her. I choke back my sobs and straighten my spine, letting everything she says sink in and settle deep in my bones. Come on, Allie. Be strong. Don’t fold now. You’ve been through too much. You cannot fold now.
“He did this because of my dad,” I tell her, because I have to tell someone. Her eyes widen in shock but I don’t give her a chance to respond. “When he…” I pause before forcing the word out. “After he raped me, he told me why. He said Dad fucked up some deal of his.” Another deep shudder as I repeat the message he gave me. She gasps in response.
Then I push the next words out of my mouth uncaring of how broken and bitter I sound. I’m allowed to feel bitter.
“But you’re still right. It doesn’t matter because he was smart and I didn’t see him. I was raped because of my own father—because of my father’s business—and it doesn’t even matter.”
Silence.
I reach for the bag again and move toward the attached bathroom to get dressed. When I brush past her I barely make out her words but they’re there, hanging in the air between us. “I’m so sorry, Allie.”
Yeah. I was too. But sorry wasn’t going to change a damn thing.
I catch my reflection in the mirror before jerking away as I strip down, trying to bottle up all my emotions. The urge to shower is strong. I want any traces of him scrubbed off my skin. When I first got here the nurse told me I had to wait. How important it was that I not shower or even wash my hands until they have a chance to gather their evidence. But that doesn’t matter anymore. I turn on the sink, waiting until steam rises from the faucet. I pump a large amount of hand soap into my hands and begin washing. I get lost in the motions, making sure I scrub my hands up to my forearms until my skin is coated in a white foaming lather. The water is scalding when I shove my hands beneath it but I don’t care. I force myself to rinse the soap off leaving my hands and forearms beneath the spray until they’re pink and angry. I’ve endured worse.
If I could shower in the sink I would but that will have to wait until I get to Gerald’s.
When I come back into the room, Janessa and one of the nurses are facing off against one another. They turn to me and I stop.
“Allie. I was trying to explain to your—” the nurse begins.
“She is a minor and the decision has been made. We’re leaving.”
I bow my head. I don’t have it in me to argue with anyone. Let them figure it out.
I slip my feet into my shoes and hear the distinct buzz of a cell phone as Janessa uses her take no prisoners tone with the nurse.
I don’t bother listening to their conversation. I know how this will go and I’m already resigned to my fate.
I locate my phone on the bedside table, grateful it was recovered at the scene, and unlocked the screen.
Four missed messages.
Roman: Where are you? What the hell, Allie?
Roman: You said you’d be here.
Roman: After everything that’s happened will you at least let me know if you’re okay?
Roman: Tracked down Kasey. She said you bailed for some phone call. Where are you?
I glance at the time. It’s just after ten. The game would have ended almost an hour ago. He would have come out of the locker rooms, expecting to find me waiting for him, but I wasn’t there. How long had he waited for me?
My fingers shake over the keyboard. What do I say? I can’t tell him where I am. What happened. I can’t tell anyone. But I don’t want to lie to him, either.
Another text flashes across my screen.
Emilio: Way to fucking support our boy.
Then another
Roman: You know what, whatever. You do you.
A fresh wave of tears cascades down my cheeks. I can’t stop them. I swipe them away but they just keep coming.
Janessa calls my name and I turn to her, shoving my phone into the pocket of the pants she brought for me, then I follow her to the door. On my way out, the nurse hands me a small pill and a glass of water. I don’t ask what it’s for. I know.
I place the pill in my mouth and take a drink, swallowing it down before handing the cup back to the nurse who nods like I’ve done something good, but she’s still not happy.
Janessa watches the exchange with a tight-lipped frown but she doesn’t say anything.
A pair of police officers and a man that must be their boss meet us halfway down the hallway. I don’t recognize the officers but the man with them, he’s the one who found me. I remember that. He’s wearing a uniform like the others. It’s similar to the boys in blue but there are more pins on it. More stars on the shoulders. He has an air of authority the other two don’t have.
I want to thank him. He helped me. But I can’t make the words form. All I can do is stare at his hands. They’re rough and tan and—
I take several steps back.
Janessa turns her head to look at me but all I can see are his hands.
They’re not the same, Allie. They’re not the same.
I know that. My mind knows that. But my heart is racing out of my chest because they’re not the same but they’re similar and I can’t stop looking at them. He takes a step in my direction and my muscles lock up.
My head snaps back to look him in the face and he freezes.
“Miss?” His hands are lifted as if in surrender and I can see the worry in his gaze. He takes another careful step closer and my chest heaves. He’s approaching me like I’m some rabid animal. I need … I need …
Janessa takes two steps to her left and suddenly she’s blocking him from my view. She says something but I don’t hear it. I can’t hear anything over the roaring in my ears.
His hands aren’t the same. I tell myself again and again like a mantra that will somehow make this all better. I try to think of something else. Anything else. But then my mind latches onto Roman and how mad he must be with me right now. How disappointed all of them are. I promised I’d be there. They’d wanted me to be there. And then I wasn’t.
Janessa tugs on my sleeve and I glance up, she guides me around the officers and I don’t miss their pity as she ushers me outside the hospital doors. I don’t want their pity.
When we’re outside I slowly start locking myself down. I will my mind to go numb. To block out everything I’m feeling. To forget everything that happened. I just want to forget it all.
