More time passes. I don’t know what I was thinking trying to go to school. I was an idiot.
It’s been three days since. Maybe four. I don’t know for certain and I try not to care. There’s a knock at the door and I sigh, but when I roll over to tell Janessa to go away, my breath freezes in my lungs.
Julio steps inside, Janessa right behind him. “Allie,” she hedges.
I swallow hard and push up into a sitting position, clutching my blankets tight to my chest. “What are you doing here?” I whisper, my eyes zeroed in on Julio as he stands just inside my room.
His dark brown eyes soften and he takes a step toward me. I lock up with that one small movement. He stops and turns to Janessa, a question in his gaze.
“She has a hard time with men right now.”
He nods. Taking a step back, he leans against the wall before sliding down to the floor and folding his hands in his lap. “Hey,” he tries again.
I shift in my bed, putting a few more inches between us. “Hi.”
Janessa hovers in the doorway. “Do you want me to stay?” she asks.
I take a deep breath. Exhale. Then take another one and shake my head. “I… no. I’m okay.”
She nods but doesn’t look convinced.
“I’ll stay right here for however long she needs,” he tells her. “I won’t push.”
“I’ll be right downstairs if you need me,” she tells me and then pulls the door shut behind her.
Julio and I stare at one another for several seconds before he finally breaks the silence. “Are you okay?”
That one question has my eyes brimming with tears. I look away and swipe at my cheeks.
“Fuck, Allie.” Julio hangs his head, his chest rising and falling with heavy breaths. “I…” He looks at me, his eyes stark and raw with pain. “I don’t know what to say. How to fix this.”
I choke on a laugh. “She told you?”
He nods. “I tried calling you a few times but your phone kept going to voicemail. Then this chick calls me out of nowhere asking if I’d be willing to come here for a few days. See if I can help.” He shrugs. “Allie, when she told me what happened to you. What you went through…”
My eyes sting and shame blossoms in my chest. Pressing my lips into a tight line I look down at the covers clenched between my fingertips. He must think I’m so weak. So dirty.
“Hey.”
I don’t look up.
“Hey!”
I shake my head. I don’t want to see the pity or disgust I know must be in his gaze. If Julio looks at me differently… I can’t handle this anymore.
“Allie. Babe. I love you. You are my best friend. Let me be here for you.”
A tear slips down my cheek and I furiously swipe it away. “You shouldn’t be here,” I tell him.
“Alejandra. Por favor. Déjame ayudarte.” Please. Let me help you.
I want help. I do. But—
“How?” I choke on the word. “How can you help me? Julio, I feel like I’m dying inside and I wish I was dying on the outside, too. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to feel this. Anything. I can’t. I can’t do this anymore. I just—”
He pushes from the ground, but stays by the door. A sob mixed with a whimper passes through my lips. He freezes. Hands clenched into fists at his sides, his eyes plead with me but I don’t know what he wants.
A tick forms along his jaw and he scrubs a hand over his face leaving behind a weary expression. “I want to hold you. Can we… do you think we can try?”
I have no freaking idea. Closing my eyes, I slow my breathing while my mind races, rationalizing his request. The only person who’s touched me is Janessa. But Julio is my friend. I trust him. I know him. I …
“Can I see your hands,” I ask.
He frowns, confused but raises them palms out to face me. I shake my head. “Turn them around.”
He does without question. I take in the backs of his hands already knowing what I’ll find. Both hands are inked, one sporting a large skull with red roses on either side. The other is tattooed with a strand of rosary beads and a cross resting between his thumb and index finger.
I focus on the ink, tracing the lines of the designs with my gaze. I force myself to recognize the differences between his hands and those of my attacker. Beyond the ink I take in the gold band he wears on his right middle finger. His clean, short nail beds.
My breathing slows and my shoulders relax. Julio is patient with me, letting my eyes drink their fill. Several minutes pass before I feel confident enough to let him step closer.
With exaggerated slowness, he walks to the edge of my bed. When he reaches it, he inclines his head, asking if it’s okay to sit. I nod.
Beside me now, we both wait. When I don’t have a panic attack, he shifts closer, leaning beside me against the headboard.
I swipe at my eyes and hold myself perfectly still as he slowly and carefully places one arm around my shoulders. Neither of us moves. My deep, deliberate breaths are loud in the quiet room, but he doesn’t seem to mind. We sit there and as the minutes pass, I slowly shift until I’m turned toward him, my ear pressed against his chest over the sound of his beating heart. His grip around me tightens and I manage to breathe through it.
One hand comes up to mindlessly stroke my hair. “I’m so fucking sorry, Allie,” he says.
I nod against his chest. “Me, too,” I whisper, almost afraid to break the silence in the room. “But I’m really happy you’re here.”
“And I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay as long as you need me.”
I spend the morning with Julio and for the first time since the attack, I feel like I can breathe again. He tells me he’s staying all week. Longer, if I need it. He already got it cleared with his parents and teachers and he’s staying in the guest room in the pool house. There are plenty of empty rooms in the main house for him to stay in, but he seems content to stay in the pool house, so I don’t question it. It’s probably Gerald being Gerald. I’m surprised he allowed Julio to visit in the first place, so I’m not about to say anything that might jeopardize that.
I’m happy Julio’s here. I missed him. I hadn’t realized how much until he arrived.
Julio fills me in on the particulars of his stay. He’ll be going to school with me. I don’t know how but Janessa got him cleared as a visiting student. I guess the plan is for him to attend all my classes with me for the first week so I won’t have to face it alone.
I still don’t know if going back to school is a good idea. But when I broached the subject of getting my GED, Janessa shot it down and said it wasn’t even worth trying to bring up to my father. Anything less than a diploma meant I couldn’t get accepted into an Ivy League school—not that I’d personally applied to any—but Janessa seems to be under the impression that I’ll be attending one. The idea of college right now seems so out there that it’s not worth thinking about. I’d always planned on doing two years of community college first. It’s all I can reasonably afford but I don’t tell her that. Right now, I just want to focus on today. Maybe tomorrow. Anything past that is too much.
The following morning when my alarm goes off, I force myself to get out of bed. The heaviness in my chest I’ve had since the attack is lighter. It’s still there, but today, it feels bearable.
I’ve had enough time to wallow in my own misery. More time than I ever gave myself after Mom died. It’ll have to be enough. I need to graduate. Missing so much school is going to make that hard enough as it is, and I refuse to let the men who did this to me take anything else.
After spending all day yesterday with Julio, I’ve convinced myself I’ll be okay.
We didn’t talk about the assault. He knows what happened and I don’t have any desire to relive the memories just so he can hear the story from my own mouth. Thankfully, he never pushes me. Not that I expected him too. Julio is the strong silent type. He’s the mountain that refuses to move no matter how hard the wind blows. Growing up, he was my rock. The big brother I never had. He gets me. He gets what I need.
And being held, knowing that I was safe in his arms, that the world couldn’t hurt me as long as he was there, gave me the reprieve I needed to pull myself together.
We spent most of the day watching Netflix and eating junk food. Well, he did at least.
I still haven’t been eating, but I did pick at some of the popcorn for his benefit.
I know Julio noticed. But he didn’t say anything and I’m grateful for it. My ribs stand out in sharp relief beneath my chest. I can count each one while in the shower. It’s not healthy but I don’t know how to make myself want to eat. Sometimes even the scent of food gets to me and sends me running for the bathroom.
When I go downstairs in the morning, I expect to find Janessa waiting to take us to school, but instead, she hands me a set of keys and gives me a small smile.
“Your father pulled this from the garage for you at my suggestion.” She tilts her head to the set of keys. “This way, if you need to leave, to get away, you can.”
I stare at the keys in my hand. Tears form in the corners of my eyes and I swipe them away. I keep crying. I’m always crying. I hate it, but I never thought I’d be so relieved to have access to a car. Before all of this, I would have refused it. I didn’t want Gerald’s money. I didn’t need it and I like earning my own way in life. It’s why I’d been applying for jobs in the first place. But I couldn’t afford a car on my own right now. Not even a beater. And this, this would give me an escape.
“Thank you.”
Her smile widens just a bit. “If you ever want to talk…”
Julio comes in the back door. “Hey.” He lifts a hand in greeting and walks toward me.
My stomach tightens as he approaches but I do what I did yesterday every time my body reacted to his proximity. I look at his hands and the anxiety subsides. Then to Janessa I say, “Thanks. But I’m good.”
She nods. Hands me a to-go cup of coffee and Julio and I both head outside.
I find a silver Audi RS 5 in the driveway. I push a button on the key fob, somewhat surprised when the Audi chirps back. He’s letting me drive an RS? Why can’t he be like normal dads and just get me a Jetta? Preferably a used one.
“Damn,” Julio draws out. “This is sick.”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, yeah. You can drool over the interior. Come on or we’re going to be late.”
