Morocco
It wasn’t natural to be this happy. Even when I’d been with Brian for a year, I’d never felt this contentment or the giddy need to see him the way I did Paxton.
On the one hand, it made me feel like utter shit. I’d loved Brian. Maybe not a desperate, soul-consuming love, but a softer version—one that was blurring at the edges with time.
But on the other hand, it gave me the sense that maybe I was finally moving past it in a way therapy hadn’t pulled me through.
I felt free, lifted, and for the first time in forever, morning brought an incredible sense of excitement to see what my day would bring, instead of dread. I especially loved days like today where I woke up in Paxton’s arms, tracing the lines of his tattoos until he opened his eyes.
“You ready?” Penna called from our living room.
“You look good in everything, so let’s go,” Paxton joined in.
I rolled my eyes and looked in the mirror one more time. It was day number two in Morocco, and we’d been anchored at Casablanca for two days. After yesterday’s sweat-fest while we were on the World Religion excursion to the Hassan Mosque and subsequent churches, there was zero chance I was going back out there in pants. When Paxton told me to wear a swimsuit under my clothes, he’d unknowingly solidified my choice.
Well, semi-solidified, otherwise I wouldn’t have been there debating the thigh-length black shorts I’d bought in Mykonos.
“You know, mornings would be so much easier if you’d agree to move into my place,” Paxton said.
I grabbed my floppy sun hat, oversize glasses, and travel wallet before leaving the safety of my room. “As I recall, this whole ship is your place, so really, I already did.”
His eyes swept my frame, the usual heat sparking there, and when they caught my shorts, he looked up, blazing with pride. “You look amazing.”
“Let’s go. I’m not holding up our trip so that you can make out, and the last time someone left you two to your own devices, you ended up off the ship for five days.” Penna pointed to the door.
“It was a good five days,” I argued as Paxton’s arm wrapped around my waist.
“Worth every second, and all that fucking make-up work,” Paxton swore with a kiss on the top of my head.
“Yeah, well, you still took the hit in Physics,” I said as we walked into the hallway.
“A ninety-two is hardly a hit. I’ve got two other solid Bs, so I think we’re okay.”
“We’ll see what happens when your Lit paper’s graded,” I fired back, leaning into him as we entered the elevator.
“I’d have gotten an A if you would have written it for me,” he muttered.
I elbowed him. “Not happening.”
“I was joking.” He laughed, wrapping me in his arms.
“I wasn’t aware that we’d gone from ESPN to Lifetime,” Zoe spat when she got on, rolling her eyes.
“Sheathe your claws before it becomes Jerry Springer,” Penna snapped.
“We made it!” Brooke yelled as she pulled Landon in behind her.
I did a few calculations on the weight allowance when Little John squeezed in the elevator next, but sighed in relief when he told the rest of the crew they’d have to catch the next one.
I took the ramp off the ship without breaking a sweat, and we met up with the others at the bus. And by bus…well, at one point it had been a bus, I just wasn’t sure that’s what it qualified as now. The top had been sheared off so it looked more like a giant flatbed with benches.
“Mr. Wilder!” the guide driver called out, his accent thick and beautiful.
“Mr. Mantoui?” Paxton shook the man’s hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“I am a big fan! It’s my pleasure to take you to Paradise Valley. It is one of the most beautiful places in our country.” He motioned for us to board the contraption.
“We’re all excited,” Paxton promised, then posed for a picture with Landon and Penna before we climbed on.
The twenty or so seats were all taken by camera crew and Renegades, and I walked down the aisle behind Paxton to find a seat.
“Hey, what happened to your legs?” Zoe asked, stopping me with her arm and openly staring.
I met her stare unflinchingly. “Car accident,” I answered. It was the CliffsNotes version of the truth, but it was all she deserved. Hell, I mostly said it for myself, anyway.
“Nice,” Landon answered across the aisle, lifting his board shorts and knocking Zoe’s arm out of the way as he bared his thigh and the jagged scar that ran from knee to the hemline. “This was the summer I was obsessed with BMX.”
Penna stood behind her and lifted her shirt over her stomach. “This was my first attempt at a backflip,” she said, pointing to the hand-length scar that ran down her left side.
“And you’ve already seen every single one of mine,” Paxton said, turning around. He didn’t shoot Zoe a death glare or even look at her, simply bent, grabbing my upper thighs and lifting me up against him. “But I’ll be happy to give you another show,” he whispered into my ear as he backed us into our seat a few rows away.
He sat in the middle and nudged my legs to straddle him, which I did happily. I love you. It was on the tip of my tongue, screaming from my heart, but I couldn’t form the words. It was still too soon, too raw.
“All of us have scars. You fit right in,” he promised. “But I will tell you that these shorts are going to distract me all damn day.”
I kissed him, uncaring that we were on display. He tasted like the mint of his toothpaste, all tangy and fresh, and I couldn’t help but press deeper. His grip was tight on my thighs, his hands warming my skin as his tongue set a fire inside me.
He groaned, pulling away and resting his forehead against mine. “If we keep that up, I’m hauling you back inside.”
“Not this time,” Bobby interjected, taking the seat behind us, his nose covered in a thick layer of zinc. “Your sexcapades are not ruining this. It’s going to be epic. This is one of the primo places to cliff dive in the world.”
“Hey, Bobby,” Paxton called over his shoulder. “Who do you work for?”
“What?” He let that sink in a second and then rolled his eyes. “You.”
“Just checking,” Paxton finished, and I laughed as I slid off his lap, taking the seat next to him.
“Welcome Renegades,” Mr. Mantoui called into the microphone as we pulled out of the port. The breeze nearly stole my hat, and I took it off, turning my face up to the sunshine as the group gave a cheer. “I cannot wait to show you more of my country. Tell me, are you ready for an adventure?” he asked, and Paxton snorted at the use of his line.
Looking up at the strong lines of Pax’s face, feeling my hand safely encased in his, I honestly was.
…
“Okay, maybe the hike was worth it,” Brooke said as we sat on the edge of one of the pools of Paradise Valley.
“It’s spectacular,” I agreed. Sure, my muscles were on fire from the hike, but the price was small compared to the view. The aquamarine pools ran the length of the valley, and ours boasted a waterfall that broke through halfway down the cliff walls that were freakishly tall on one side and terraced on the other, cocooning us in a tiny piece of heaven.
Especially when Paxton stripped off his shirt and dove in. Exactly when was this attraction going to mellow? Knowing I could touch him, kiss him, strip him naked at my whim should have tempered the insane amount of lust that pounded through me when I saw him. Instead it made me want to jump him. Repeatedly.
It made our study sessions way more difficult, yet so much more rewarding. It also helped that he’d made it to all of his classes in the two weeks that we’d been back on board.
“Is it as deep as the reports said?” Penna, already stripped down to her tankini with boy shorts, asked from the shore that had been hollowed out by water about five feet beneath us. Brooke and I waited on the ledge above her, laying out our towels.
“We should be good. It’s definitely a ways down. We need to watch these rocks here.” Paxton pointed to the shelf of boulders that lined the shore on that side. “Landon?”
“Let’s test it!” Landon yelled from another rock ledge about twenty feet in the air, not even midway up the cliff wall. Then he jumped, yelling something as he fell to the water below, landing with a huge splash.
One by one, the Renegades took the skinny path to that ledge and jumped, each one getting braver than the last, flipping, twisting, and landing while the cameras rolled.
“Ready to head up?” Penna asked Paxton.
“Up to where?” I looked down at where he stood on the strip of beach below us.
“We’re jumping from up there,” he said, pointing to the top of the cliff.
My eyes went up…and up. “What? How tall is that?”
“About a hundred feet,” he answered, shielding his eyes from the sun with his hand so he could see me.
“Is that safe?” I asked as he climbed his way up to me, his feet sure on the smooth stone surface.
“Eh,” Landon answered, his hands making the so-so motion. “Only those of us who have jumped from pretty high before are trying it.”
“And this isn’t one of your ‘let’s get Leah to do something crazy’ things, is it?”
Paxton shook his head, reaching for me and dripping water onto my thighs as he caged me in with his arms. “Hell no. This is something that could actually hurt you, that I can’t protect you from.”
I wiped a drop of water from his cheek. “Could it hurt you?”
He shook his head. “Nah. I did a jump from about a hundred and twenty feet once. While drunk. Which is probably the only reason I did it. Stupid, but I’ve got this. You could walk up with me, though.”
“Need some courage?” I asked with a grin.
His brow furrowed. “I was more hoping that you’d bring down my shoes.”
I outright laughed. “One of your minions can’t do that?”
“Maybe I just like you being the only one to handle my junk.” He gave me puppy dog eyes.
“Nice. What’ll you give me?”
“Orgasms.”
I arched an eyebrow. “What will you give me that I can’t already have?”
“I will dedicate all of tomorrow to studying. No tricks, no practice, no gym time. Just you, and me, and books. Boring books. Not even Kama Sutra books.”
Ugh. Those eyes got me every time. “Promise?”
“I promise.” He leaned in, brushing his lips over mine. “Honestly, though. I heard the view up there is unparalleled. Figured you might like to see it.”
“Well, I guess you’re only in Morocco once, right?”
“Absolutely.” He got up and put on his shoes for the hike.
“Want to come?” I asked Brooke.
“Hell no,” she answered, spreading sunscreen on her skin. “I’m not hiking all the way up there just to hike all the way back down. I’ll cheer you on, though.”
We took off, following a gently worn path to the top of the cliff, scrambling over rocks in a few places that had Paxton giving me a push…more likely giving him an excuse to get his hands on my ass, but I wasn’t complaining.
My breathing was heavy once we reached the top, but he was right, the view was astounding. The falls from the tip of the valley were visible from here, breathtaking and slightly dangerous-looking. I could make out the lower-walled pools from here, too, all the same aqua color that begged for a dip.
“What are you thinking?” Paxton asked, holding my hand as we stepped closer to the edge. He paused before we got too far, knowing there was no way I was willingly looking over the side. Even the pebbled ground felt unstable up here.
“That I should go for a swim when I get down there. Want to go with me?”
“Hell yes. I’ll wait for you at the bottom. He motioned to a member of the camera crew, the others already stationed along the pool. “He’ll walk you back down. Okay?”
“No problem,” I answered as he strapped on his helmet with the GoPro camera for the Wilder view of the jump.
“I’m crazy about you,” he said before he kissed me. “You know that, right?”
I love you. “You’re not too bad yourself,” I answered. “Now go have a good day at work, dear.”
He kissed me again and went to stand with the others. Paxton, Landon, Penna, and two of the junior members all stood at the edge, ready for their turn.
I sent up a prayer that they’d all make it safely, but I had to have faith that they knew what they were doing.
“Remember to jump out. If you go straight down you’ll bust open on those rocks below,” Paxton ordered, and my nerves crept up a level.
“See you at the bottom!” Landon called out, taking a few steps backward and then running off the cliff face and disappearing.
I heard a splash a few seconds later, and the Renegades cheered. My curiosity got the better of me, and I took a step forward, but not too much. What was the fun if I didn’t see them do it? The two junior Renegades went next, one giving off a high-pitched scream that reminded me of an angry toddler.
Then Penna jumped, and I held my breath until I heard the splash, and then her voice as she surfaced in victory.
“Kind of a rush, isn’t it?” the camera guy asked me. “You should come look from up here. It’s completely safe.”
I inched forward, my stomach dropping when the pool came into view below. I needed to see that he hit the water, that was all.
Paxton winked at me with a Wilder grin, backed up a few steps, and ran for the edge, soaring into the air with a triumphant yell as he flipped once and landed in the water feetfirst, missing the rocks by a good fifteen feet.
Thank you, God.
Landon cheered from the shore, but I couldn’t breathe until Pax surfaced, inhaling at the same moment he did.
“Let’s head back down,” the camera guy said, and I nodded as he turned to leave.
“I’ll be right behind you,” I said, looking back to Paxton. “You okay?”
“Absolutely! Get your gorgeous ass down here so I can get you wet!”
“Paxton!” I laughed.
“Water, of course. Only water,” he promised, but I could see that smile from here.
“Right,” I said with a sarcastic nod. “I’ll be down in a second.” I backed up a couple feet and blew him a kiss, poised to turn.
The rocks rustled behind me—no doubt the camera guy was getting tired of waiting. “Better jump.” A sinister whisper hit me at the same time the blow came to my upper back.
All I heard was the blood rushing through my head, the pebbles skidding beneath my sneakers as I slid toward the cliff’s edge. It was over before I even realized it had started, my momentum carrying me past the point of no return.
I grabbed for the bush at the edge, making contact as I fell over the side. My right hand closed around the branch, screaming in protest from the wood cutting away at my skin as it slid down my palm.
“Leah!” Paxton’s yell sounded like it was miles away.
My shoulder jerked as it caught my weight, the rest of me slamming into the cliff face. Pain exploded in my cheek, but I didn’t let go.
“Leah!” Paxton screamed again, but I couldn’t force sound through my throat, not even to scream. “Baby, you have to reach up with your other hand. Somebody get to her!”
“Landon’s already running!” Penna answered.
Using all of my strength, I swung my left arm up enough to grab the branch. It was barely as thick as a curtain rod. There was no way this thing was strong enough to hold my weight. My toes scrambled to find purchase against the rock face, but there was nothing big enough for my foot.
“Firecracker, talk to me!” It was only the sheer terror in Paxton’s voice that broke through the lump in my throat.
“Pax!” Was that even my voice? Something wet ran down my arm, and my hands felt slick against the branch. Blood. I had to find a foothold.
I slipped, catching myself at the tip of the branch, but my foot found a tiny outcropping that my toes might fit on. My right toes made contact, and I breathed a slight sigh of relief. “I…I think I found something.”
“Hold on!” Pax yelled. “Landon’s coming.”
“Don’t leave me!” I cried out.
“I’m staying right here, baby.”
He sounded so far away—because he was.
It had taken us ten minutes to hike up here. There was no way Landon was going to make it faster than five. I just had to hold on for five minutes.
I moved my left foot over, hoping to find another toehold to take some of my weight off the branch, and off my ruined hands. The weight on the tiny ledge was too much—it gave way.
A primal scream ripped from my throat as my feet kicked, but my hands held steady, my grip slick but still firm on the wood. My breath came in giant gulps, and I kept my eyes focused on the wood.
Don’t look down. That had been what kept me alive after the accident.
How the hell did I end up here again?
The wood at the base of the branch creaked.
My head snapped up, and my eyes darted to the bush. No. No. No. “Pax, it’s gonna give!”
“Just hold on!” he yelled again. “Damn it! Why the hell don’t we have an emergency crew here? Something?”
The branch tore at the base, and I slid another foot down the cliff wall with a shriek, but it didn’t snap completely.
At the same moment, my toes grazed another outcropping just beneath me. Maybe it could bear my weight, maybe—
It ripped clean through, the sound tearing apart the tiniest hope I’d had of surviving this. God, Mom. Dad. And Paxton’s going to see it.
This time the branch didn’t stop me, coming clean out of the ground. I let go and dug my fingertips and toes into the rock as I fell.
Paxton screamed my name.
My hands caught the outcropping my toes had been aiming for, my muscles locking as the impact jarred every molecule in my body. Another scream bubbled out of my throat as agony lit up my arms like flames, protesting every damn thing about this situation.
The pounding in my heart grew increasingly loud until I realized that it wasn’t my heart at all—it was footsteps.
“Leah!” Landon’s face came into view at least ten feet above me, sweat-soaked and beet red. “It’s okay,” he said between heavy breaths.
“This is not okay!” I yelled back. “I can’t hold on much longer.”
“No, but you’re a fighter, and we’re going to get you out of this, you understand?”
I nodded the tiniest fraction, scared to move any muscle. Landon surveyed my surroundings, leaning way too far out over the edge.
“There’s a foothold above your right foot if you raise it a few inches,” he said.
Slowly, I did as he suggested, and found it. My muscles screamed, but I pulled up enough to stand on the small ledge, bringing my left foot, too. It took my weight and held it, but given the way pieces crumbled, I couldn’t depend on it. “I don’t know how long this will hold.”
I didn’t know how long I would hold.
“Can we get a fucking rope up here?” Landon asked.
“It’s coming!” Penna yelled.
“Hold on, Leah!” Brooke added, the sound echoing around me.
I focused on the rocks directly in front of my face, but they morphed in my mind, changing colors, texture, until I wasn’t on a cliff in Morocco, I was back above the car crash with Brian’s body burning beneath me.
Just let go, my memory called to me. No one is coming for you. You can’t hold on. Just let go and it will all be over, the pain, the fear, all of it. He’s already dead.
But it wasn’t Brian beneath me, it was Paxton—whom I loved—who was very much alive. Still, my choice remained the same. I wasn’t strong enough to hold on indefinitely, and I wasn’t brave enough to let go, so I hung in limbo like I did then.
“Leah, with the angle you’re at, I can’t get to you. You have the only foothold, and if I come down, I’ll crush your fingers, which would be pretty detrimental to the goal, don’t you think?” Landon asked.
“It could put a damper on things,” I said, my voice shaking with my gulping breaths. I couldn’t get my breathing to slow, or my heart rate to calm. “Landon,” I said quietly enough so only he could hear me. “My hands. They’re bleeding, and I’m going to slip. I’m going to fall.” Every second my muscles grew weaker, my grip less firm.
“Yes.”
He said it so calmly that I didn’t panic when I looked up at him, even when more of the rock crumbled beneath my feet. “I’m not going to last until the rope gets here.”
“No.” His eyes were soft, steady.
“Leah, you’re doing great. Just hold on, baby!” Paxton yelled up.
“Am I going to die?” I asked Landon, like he held the answers to the universe.
“No.” He shook his head. “But this is going to take everything you’ve got. Are you ready?”
“Paxton shouldn’t see,” I said. “He shouldn’t have to watch.”
“He’s not leaving you. That’s why I’m here and he’s still down there, waiting for you. We’re going to have to be quick, before you lose too much strength to do this.” He turned his head and spoke over his shoulder before looking back to me. “The crew made it back up. There’s no rope, Leah. This is all about to be on you.”
I didn’t know what he had in mind, but I could barely hold myself here, let alone do any acrobatic feats. And Paxton…he was going to see me fall. He’d be the first one to my mangled body.
“Paxton,” I said quietly. “I love him. I never told him, but I love him.”
“He knows. He might not admit it, but he knows. We all do. It shines out of you two the minute you’re in the same room—anyone can see it.”
“I don’t want him to watch.”
“Leah, listen to me,” Landon snapped. “You’re not going to die. I forbid it. I’m not going to lose my best friend’s girl on some jump in Morocco. This is not how your story ends, and it’s not how his ends, either. Do you understand? He’ll be destroyed if anything happens to you, so if you can’t fight for you, then you fight for him. Got it?”
I swallowed as my arms started to shake from exhaustion.
“Pax!” Landon yelled down.
“Yeah?” he answered. “Is my girl okay?”
“I need her to jump, Pax.” Landon kept his eyes locked with mine as he said it.
“You have to be fucking kidding me!” I yelled.
“Okay!” Pax called out at the same time.
“It’s gotta be quick, brother, she’s weakening fast!”
“Firecracker, you okay with this?” Pax asked me.
“No!” I shouted as more rock gave way beneath my feet. My arms would never hold me if I lost my foothold.
“Concentrate on my voice, Leah. You can do this. You’re going to have to jump backward to clear the rocks beneath you. Do you understand?” Landon asked, never looking away.
“Rocks equal kersplat?” I questioned softly.
“And water equals safe. Water equals Paxton. Got it?” Landon asked, a trace of fear seeping into his eyes when my fingers slipped another centimeter.
“What do I do?” I called out.
“You push off with your feet as hard as you can and let go, baby. You have to come down as straight as possible, okay? Hitting the water is going to hurt, but it’s going to be okay,” Pax called up.
Let go. Just let go and it will all be over. But this time, letting go meant giving it everything I had. This time letting go could kill me…or it could save me.
“No one can do this for you—God, I wish I could—but I’m here, Leah. I’m not going anywhere, do you understand? You can do this,” Landon promised, his voice steady and even.
For the first time I looked down.
Fuck. Shit. God, I’m going to die. The distance may as well have been a mile. Panic crept up my spine and my vision narrowed, blackening at the edges.
“LEAH!” Paxton screamed. “Listen to my voice. Push with your feet and jump now!”
I sucked in a full breath, and my vision returned to normal as I whipped my head back to the rock face. I was not going to give in, to pass out and die by default. I would choose my fate. Either I made it, or I didn’t, but it would be of my own making.
And I wasn’t about to become Paxton’s tragedy.
“Okay,” I called out, my voice stronger than my failing arms.
“You’ve got this, and he’s got you,” Landon promised.
I nodded, pulled my body as close to the cliff as humanly possible, said a prayer, and then pushed off with every ounce of strength I had left.
My stomach dropped out as I plummeted, my arms flailing in circles as if I could slow the descent. The ground rose at a dizzying speed, the canyon wall flying by me in a blur.
Pain shot through my legs, vibrating up my spine to my head when I hit, then sank into the water. You cleared the rocks.
Water rushed up my nose as it rose over my head, and I started kicking with every spare ounce of energy I had, stopping my descent. As I started to rise, strong arms looped around my waist, propelling me upward.
We broke the surface, and I gasped, pulling sweet oxygen into my lungs and coughing out the water that had invaded my nostrils.
“I’ve got you, baby. I’ve got you,” Paxton whispered over and over as he pulled me to the shore, my back to his chest. The sheer relief of being held in his arms, of having survived the fall hit me, and my muscles simply quit, going slack.
Hands lifted me away from Paxton, laying me on something soft for a moment before he hovered above me again, his eyes bluer than the sky behind him. I’d almost lost him, almost lost myself.
I heard a splash in the background and the soft sound of Brooke crying to my right.
“Leah, Leah, Leah,” Paxton chanted my name as his hands ran over my face, my lips, my arms, all of my extremities. “God, Leah. I thought… But you’re okay. You’re okay.” He looked in my eyes, searching for something I couldn’t name but desperately wanted to give him to soothe the panic in his eyes.
“I love you, Paxton,” I blurted, needing to say it, needing him to know what he meant to me and honestly not caring what he thought about it.
“Leah.” My name sounded like the most reverent prayer on his lips, and he gathered me in his arms, holding me tight when my body couldn’t return his trembling embrace. “I can’t lose you. You’re everything.”
“She okay?” Landon asked, climbing out of the water at my feet.
“Yeah, thanks to you, she is,” he answered, still cradling me against his heartbeat.
“She did all the work, man. Leah, you really are a firecracker,” Landon said, taking a dry towel from Penna and wrapping it around my back. “Not many people could have caught themselves the way you did, or hung on like that. Talk about a trip.”
Trip? I looked up at the top of the cliff, which seemed even higher from this angle. They wouldn’t have seen what happened from this angle—not until I was already falling.
“Paxton,” I said softly.
He lowered his head to mine, brushing a tender kiss across my lips. “Leah?”
“I didn’t trip. I was pushed,” I whispered as quietly as I could.
A look befitting his last name passed over his eyes, and I knew this time he couldn’t deny it. There was a traitor among us.
