There have been many times in my life when I’ve been caught doing something that I shouldn’t.
When I was seven at my grandparents’ house when I pushed Elsa into the pool for telling me I was left behind by aliens.
When I was twelve and I was supposed to be in detention for punching the kid punching other kids, but I went to hang out at the mall because it felt like an unfair punishment. That one was double bad because I wasn’t allowed to go to the mall yet either.
When I was fifteen and got high for the first time in the pool house, a very poor choice of location, especially as Mom was home and found me immediately.
When I was seventeen and the paparazzi took pictures of me stumbling out of a nightclub I was too young to be in, totally wasted, with Connor James, the son of Dad’s work nemesis.
Basically anything I did with Connor James, I shouldn’t have been doing. Yacht crashing excluded, because I still maintain that one wasn’t my fault.
As bad as those times were, nothing really happened. Eyes were rolled, disparaging looks were given and maybe a short lecture on personal safety, but I knew nothing would happen and that’s why I did it and why I continued to do it.
Jenna’s eyes widen as she fills the doorway.
“Oh shit,” is all Russ manages to say as he reaches for something to cover me up. When really, he should be more concerned about the huge erection pressing against his boxers.
The door handle is still in Jenna’s hand, which makes it easier for her to immediately close it again. There’s so much to consider as my mind rushes between panic and confusion.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Russ chants as he scrambles for our clothes. “It’s going to be okay. Don’t panic.”
“I’m not panicking,” I reassure him, pulling my shorts up my legs.
“I was talking to myself.”
His hands are shaking as he tries to put his sneakers back on and I navigate him to sit on the bed. I should be in more of a rush, so far I’ve only managed to get my shorts back on, but Jenna can stew in her anger outside if it means I get to soothe Russ.
I know he hates getting in trouble because of his dad and this situation is the one he was trying to avoid since day one. Considering I’m the one who was having a meltdown five minutes ago, it seems all that was required to snap me out of it is for Russ to be looking at me like the world’s ending.
“It isn’t really bad. We’re consenting adults, there are no kids in our care right now and we had already had sex before we got to camp, which Jenna knows.”
“Russ, listen to me. The very worst-case scenario is we leave a few weeks early. Hand in hand. Nothing happens, we don’t even need to tell anyone, we can hide out anywhere in the world. Doing something wrong does not make you a fuck up. Your dad is a liar; you aren’t anything he says you are.”
It feels funny being the one handing out dad advice, but it’s what makes Russ so important to me. We’re both a little bit broken, both trying to be a bit better and both just desperately searching for someone to want them for who they are.
“Why is she here?”
“I honestly don’t know.” Stressing over that is a problem for when I’m fully dressed.
Jenna is crouched on the porch fussing over Fish when we finally emerge from the cabin. She doesn’t say anything as she stands, brushing the dog hair from her pants. It’s like a standoff of who will go first and I’m about to shoot, but Jenna beats me to it.
“Your parents are here,” she says.
Russ and I look at each other confused. He clears his throats. “Whose parents?”
Jenna folds her arms and boy does she look pissed. “Both of you. Your dad is here, Russ, and so is your mom, Aurora. They’re both waiting in reception.”
Confused doesn’t even cover how I’m feeling right now as the three of us walk in silence toward our parents. The color has drained from Russ’s face and I wish I could comfort him, but I don’t feel like making things with Jenna worse.
Mom is already outside the building when we get there. I don’t get a look at Russ’s dad. Jenna and Russ continue and I feel like I’m being pulled between them.
“Russ!” I shout, causing him to stop and turn around.
Running up to him, I wrap my arms around his torso, squeezing tight. “If he’s horrible even for a second, walk away. I’ll be waiting for you when you get back.”
He kisses the top of my head and says nothing. He carries on after Jenna and I turn to my mom.
“Are we going to talk about why you’re here unannounced?”
Mom hates the outdoors and she’s dressed like she’s going on a shopping trip in St. Tropez, not whatever it is she plans to do here.
“It’s Visiting Day. I thought we could go for a walk,” she says casually.
I’m immediately suspicious. “You came all the way here from Malibu unannounced because you want to go for a walk with me?”
“That’s what I said, Aurora.”
What’s the worst that could happen? “Okay then.”
Our choice of walking route is limited because Mom decided to wear Louboutin pumps instead of sneakers, so I take her down to the lake where she can walk barefoot in the sand. Mom makes small talk with me for the first twenty-five minutes and I’m growing more tired and frustrated. My mom is not a ramble in the woods mom; she’s a let’s go buy you your first Birkin mom. Minute thirty passes and my suspicion and confusion have reached their max capacity. I stop at two deck chairs that have been left out and sit down.
“I need to know why you’re here because you pretending to like walking is stressing me out.”
“I love walking on the beach. It’s one of my favorite things,” she says defensively.
“Yeah, at home. Or maybe the Caribbean. Not dodging sticks and God knows what else.”
“You’re always so suspicious of people’s intentions. You definitely get that from your father. He was always the same.”
The light bulb practically illuminates above my head.
“You know, don’t you?” I say as she sits down beside me staring out at the lake. “That’s why you’re here. When he asked when I’m home, he told you he’s engaged. Didn’t he?”
In the whirlwind that has been the past hour, I’d forgotten why I was so upset in the first place. She threads her fingers through mine. “I thought you might be upset. I wanted to be here for you. I didn’t want to leave it to Emilia.”
“You knew what he was going to say to me?”
“No, but I assumed there would probably be something.” Her thumb rubs against my hand gently. “Your dad is an asshole, Aurora, and it’s a well-earned title. The chances of him saying something cruel were higher than me arriving and you being on cloud nine.”
Dad has always been a thorn in the side of our relationship. I question if it’s frustrating for Mom to watch me fight for the attention of someone she dislikes so much. He isn’t something we ever really talk about at length and, to her credit, she tries to only be horrible to his face. “Why doesn’t he like me, Mom? He doesn’t treat me like a daughter.”
“Your father is . . . I don’t know, darling. When you marry someone, you believe you know everything about them, but people change. Your dad changed. Small things at first, how he talked about certain topics, how he spoke to other people. Then Elsa was born and he went back to being the man I married. He was wonderful with her and she idolized him for it.”
I’m itching to start packing my suitcase again. “Must be nice.”
“It didn’t last long and he went back to being the man who was rude to everyone, picked fights over nothing and came home late with no reason. Our marriage was strained and I was tired of feeling like I was constantly at war.” She shuffles in her seat and I squeeze her hand to urge her to continue. She’s never been this candid about her relationship with Dad and I’m desperate to hear everything. “You know this bit, but we left Elsa with your Grandma and took our trip to see the Northern Lights, finally disconnected from the outside world and we were happy again. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant with you and he was so happy.”
“Oh, so there was a time when he was happy I existed. Prebirth.”
“You were like a tiny little doll when you were born. You were absolute perfection. You never cried, you slept constantly and you just loved being held. I was obsessed with you. But Fenrir was taking up all of your dad’s time, I didn’t want to travel while you were so small, so we were apart a lot and, as you grew, you looked nothing like any of the Roberts family and your father became even more distant.”
“Distant? Why?”
“It was subtle at first. He’d comment on how blond your hair was getting when Elsa’s was dark brown, your eyes started to turn green and you looked nothing like him. Everyone in that family looks alike and you were the exception. You looked exactly like me.”
I feel sick and it all starts to make sense. “He thinks I’m not his daughter.”
“He didn’t outright say it, but for a while I was convinced that was the answer. I pushed it aside at first because I thought when you got older, you’d be able to bond and bridge that gap he’d created.” Mom brushes at her cheek with the back of her hand. “I wish that had been the answer. I could have fixed that with a DNA test and a hefty round of couples counselling. But then he started to treat your sister the same way and I realized I was searching for answers that would make sense to me, something I could work with, when the reality is the problem was him the entire time.
“We fought and fought over it. I couldn’t stand that I’d started a family with a man who could treat his children like they were an inconvenience to him. I felt like I was grieving the loss of my husband, but he hadn’t died. He just wasn’t the man I knew. You noticed, even when you were very little, you knew things weren’t right. Elsa started acting out to get his attention, which would work, so you copied. I thought it would get better when we traveled together, but if anything, it made you both worse.”
I sit in silence, scared to say anything and interrupt all the answers I’m finally getting.
“It was harmless at first, “Daddy watch me do this’ and you’d wait, expectantly, but the less it worked the more you did. And I couldn’t even reprimand you, scare either of you into behaving, because it wasn’t your fault. You were little girls who didn’t know what they’d done wrong. Who didn’t understand—” Her voice cracks. “I’m so sorry, Aurora. I’m so sorry you feel the way you do about yourself because we weren’t better parents. I left him when I realized he’d never change, but it was too late. The damage was done.”
“So the answer to my questions is something that I already know? That he isn’t a good person.”
“I’ve never claimed to be the perfect mother. I know we have our differences, but I love you enough for both me and Chuck.” She stands from the chair, brushing off invisible dust from her pantsuit, her pumps in her hand looking wholly out of place. “You’re an adult, Aurora. I cannot tell you what to do and you wouldn’t listen to me even if I did but, legally, your father has to pay for your education and living costs until you have access to your trust. It doesn’t mean you have to see him. Do with that information what you will.”
I feel like I’ve had a lifetime’s worth of information in such a short time and I’m exhausted.
Like Mom, I’ve been searching for a reason. Desperately looking for answers that might explain things, give me something I can cling onto and fix. I don’t think I can fix a serious character flaw.
I stand, too, following Mom’s lead back toward the main path, helping her step back into her pumps when we reach the gravel. “Are you going to stay for a little while? Emilia will be around here somewhere.”
“I can’t, darling. I need to get home for Cat. He’ll be wondering where I am.”
I forgot about the damn cat. “Is this cat real? Or is it some kind of ploy to get me to come over.”
She rolls her eyes as she reaches into her bag to pull out her cellphone and there, on her phone background, is a picture of a scruffy black cat lying in a sea of pillows on— “Why is he on my bed!”
“You have your own place, Aurora. You can’t claim every bed you sleep in forever.”
“Are you kidding me? You were asking me to move home two minutes ago!”
She huffs as she stuffs her phone back into her purse. “I’m sure if you bring some smoked salmon with you on your next visit he will consider sharing with you.”
I’ve left Mom with Emilia and Xander is under strict instructions that he’s not allowed to hit on her. Xander made some jokes about becoming my step-dad as soon as he realized my mom just looks like an older version of me and I’m taking no chances. I gave Emilia permission that if Clay even looks in Mom’s direction, she’s allowed to beat him.
I know as I approach Jenna’s office that I’m going to hate every second of this conversation.
Honey Acres has been part of my life for longer than it hasn’t been and I know that being fired means I’ll never be welcomed back here and, really, I should have considered that before I started things with Russ. I can’t lie, I’ve never truly believed that the fraternization rule was enforced, but after being given the cold shoulder earlier, I’m not as confident.
But some risks are worth it and given the time again, I wouldn’t change it. Russ told me he wouldn’t change anything in the past because he wouldn’t risk not meeting me, so if getting fired from the place I love most in the world is how it goes for me, at least I get to keep the butterflies.
Rapping my knuckles against the door, I know from the Mamma Mia soundtrack blasting that Jenna’s in there. I’ve never knocked before entering Jenna’s office before so I don’t know why I’m starting today, maybe it’s because I know not pissing her off further will help my cause. I knock again a little harder and she finally shouts come in.
The look she gives when she realizes it’s me practically cuts me open. She’s not angry; she’s disappointed.
“Jenna, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t tell me you’re sorry when you’re not, Rory. You knew exactly what you were doing when you broke the rules and you’ve knowingly put me in a difficult position.”
“Please don’t fire him, Jen,” I say desperately, taking a seat on the other side of the desk. “He doesn’t deserve to lose his job because I convinced him to break the rules.”
“You’re both adults and you both responsible for your actions.” Shit. “When did it start?”
I want to lie. Like maybe if I tell her it was today because I was sad it’ll make it easier for her to process and she won’t be as harsh. But Jenna means a lot to me and I don’t want to betray her even more than I have. “When we had the storm.”
Her head shakes as she leans against her hands. “You fucking horny so-called adults are driving me up the wall. I can’t wait for you all to go back to college and be someone else’s problem. I’m so annoyed with you, Aurora.”
“I’m so sorry, Jenna. I will leave with no drama, I swear. But please don’t fire Russ. He will be crushed if he loses this job. He doesn’t deserve it, I promise.”
“Can you stop with the pity party, please? You’re giving me a headache and my head already hurts after seeing a half-naked man crawling all over you today and then having to look your mother in the eyes.”
“I’m so—”
“Stop apologizing and go do your job, please. No, bring me a lemonade. Then go do your job.” My eyebrows raise in surprise. She huffs, folding her arms across her chest and leaning back in her chair. “What? You think you’re special? If we had to fire every member of staff who fooled around together, we’d have no staff.”
“But I thought . . .”
“I saw him the night of the storm, Aurora. I knew you’d be scared so I went back to your cabin when the power was out. I watched him hover around the steps to your cabin in the rain, arguing with himself, until he finally knocked. That’s when I knew.”
“Knew what?”
“I knew he cared about you.” She sighs. “And I realized you weren’t just doing it to give your middle finger to the rules.”
“I care about him too.”
“We’re your family, Rory. You will always have a home here, even if you do things that make me want to strangle you. I’m not going to report it like I’m supposed to, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to do what you want until you leave, alright? Keep sneaking around until you are out of my hair. I don’t wanna hear a peep out of either of you.”
Family. “I love you, Jen.”
“And I love you. People don’t always let you get away with things because they don’t care. I let you get away with things because you deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel and believe and enjoy being loved, because so many people love you, Ror.”
“I had a really great heart-to-heart with my mom today. A lot of things make sense now, especially about my dad.”
She stands and walks over to me, wrapping her arms around me. “Dad is a word. It doesn’t mean anything unless there is action and intention behind it. He’s really just an asshole who you happen to share DNA with. That’s it. We don’t need him. You don’t do fine without him, you do better.”
Jenna kisses the top of my head before moving back to sit at her desk. “Okay, heart to heart is over. Scram. And so you know, you’re mucking out the horses for the rest of the week. Take lover boy. You’re both pains in my ass.”
This is not at all how I would have predicted this going and I’m walking out of here feeling totally confused but thankfully, I’m not leaving and neither is Russ. If I have to deal with some horse crap but Jenna isn’t truly mad at me, I’ll definitely cope. Pulling the office door open, I have one last question before I head and prepare for the end of Visiting Day. “Wait, who else has been hooking up?”
She runs her fingers across her lips, zipping them shut. “You’ve lost your gossip privileges. Should have kept your panties on.”
As much as she’s right, I’m glad I didn’t.
