“You’re really annoying to sleep beside, do you know that?” I say, pulling a t-shirt over my head.
Aurora looks up at me as she starfishes in the middle of my bed, her blond hair sticking in every direction. “You’ve slept beside me before.”
“I think having no room in that camp bed kept you in line. Now you’ve got the space you’re a pain. You kicked the shit out of me at one point; I felt like a soccer ball.”
“I’m sorry,” she says sarcastically. “Would you prefer if I left when you were asleep?”
“Asleep or in the bathroom?”
“Ouch, too soon to joke,” I wince playfully. “You know what, Callaghan, I’m going to Cabo to see my friend Clay. I bet he won’t bully me.”
“Are you trying to make me jealous?” I slip my feet into my sneakers and grab my keys from my dresser. “Because it’s working.”
“I’m trying to make you jealousy fuck me.” She sits up and her hair falls over her shoulders. She really is the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe she’s mine. “I’m kidding. I’m just trying to make you laugh so you’re in a good mood for today.”
Bending to kiss her goodbye, I force myself to not crawl into bed with her. “We can do that later. I need to leave before I change my mind.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come? I can sit in the car outside.”
“I’m sure. I want to keep you to myself for as long as I possibly can.”
“Say no more,” she says, throwing herself back against the pillows. “I’ll be right here waiting for you when you come home. Remember you can leave any time and if you’re too overwhelmed to drive, call me and I’ll get you in an Uber.”
I never realized how important it was to have someone to share my concerns with until now. I thought being able to tell her about stuff that’s already happened was the biggest relief, but it’s experiencing it together. Knowing that she’s going to be here waiting for me, in whichever state I come back in, is a bigger comfort than her waiting outside of my parents’ house.
“What’re your plans while I’m gone?”
“I’m going to video call Emilia and Poppy and then I was thinking of maybe seeing if my mom wants to go to Café Kiley for a coffee.”
Aurora’s mom texted her last night with the message proud of you sweetie, so Aurora presumes her dad made a call after she told him she was done.
“And I might hide my things in your room, so you can’t bring girls who give you lap dances up here when college restarts.”
“Wait, what?”
“I’m going to hide notes in the pillowcases. The pillowcases are suspicious all on their own, wait until you throw them down and something crinkles beneath their head.”
“You’re unhinged,” I chuckle, bending to kiss her one last time. “Thank you for trying to distract me.”
“Yes,” she grins. “It was definitely a distraction . . .”
I sigh because I have to go but I could go back and forth with her all day. It’s weird having no kids interrupting us or constantly worrying we look too close. It’s fucking exciting that we’re already so happy together and the real part of our relationship is only just beginning. I kiss her, again, telling myself, again, that it’ll be the last time because I’m leaving. “Can you be good while I’m gone?”
“Usually with the right motivation.”
“And what will motivate you? Me thinking you’re good?”
She shakes her head. “You already think I’m an angel.”
“Not true. You’ve the opposite of angelic most of the time.”
“I want a Callaghan jersey. If I’m about to become a hockey girl, I need all the jersey chasers to know you’re mine.”
Mine. “Done.”
“Good luck. I’m proud of you and please remember to call me if you need me.”
“I will, I promise. Bye.”
After talking to Ethan yesterday on the drive home, I feel slightly better equipped for what I’m walking into. He’s promised me it’s an informal family discussion where we air things in a healthy way, and Dad has the opportunity to apologize for his past actions. It’s an opportunity for us to rebuild and heal, just like I’ve wanted.
There’s a hire car on the driveway when I pull up outside my parents’ house, so I know he’s already here. His band has a small break between shows, which is why he was so insistent it had to be now. Pulling the keys out of the ignition, a kind of wish Rory was here, but at the same time I’m glad she’s not.
Pulling out my phone, I send her a text, smirking again at what she’s saved herself as in my phone. She said she wanted me to know which one is her, given all the girls I’m going to attract with my newfound confidence.
RORY (THE HOT BLOND ONE)
Is it weird that I miss you?
Who is this?
You’re funny
I miss you too
Good luck x
Ethan bangs on the window beside me, frowning at me, and it’s like looking in a mirror that ages you. “Hurry up,” he says impatiently. “We’re waiting for you.”
My first thought is should I start the truck and drive away. I’ve wanted my dad to change for so long that I’m scared to start things. Anxiety is rumbling through me like a storm, but I’m trying to tell myself that things can’t get worse. I wanted change, it might be happening.
Ethan doesn’t wait for me to respond before walking back into the house and I slowly climb out, walking toward the house. I’ve never liked this house and it’s never felt like home. My parent’s sold my childhood home to buy this smaller one in a worse area, telling everyone they were downsizing after Ethan moved out and I was preparing for college.
In reality, they took the equity to pay off dad’s gambling debts, which led him to just start the borrowing process all over again. I feel like a stranger walking into the house, even though my face lines the walls.
Everyone is sitting in the living room and there’s a tension in the air, which isn’t exactly unusual for my family. Mom is the first one to act, by standing and giving me a tight hug. “Hi, Mom.”
“I’ve missed you so much,” she says, sounding like she’s tearing up. “Take a seat. I’m so glad you’re here.”
“We’ll let you two talk,” Ethan says, moving to usher Mom out of the room with him.
“Wait, what?” My heart starts to thud. I was told we’re having a family discussion, not me and Dad one-on-one. “This isn’t what you said, Ethan.”
He ignores me and my first instinct is to get up and leave. Dad looks better than he did a couple of weeks ago when I last saw him. The bags around his eyes are no longer dark, his face is less gaunt, I can see his things scattered around the living room. “Have you moved back in?”
He nods. “I’m sleeping in the guest bedroom. I was staying in a motel, checking in with your mom each day. We’ve talked a lot. I feel like all I do is talk at the minute but it’s good. I’m glad to clear the air and work on getting better.”
“I don’t know what make amends means, Dad. I’ve read about it and heard about it but I don’t know what it means for us.”
“I want to start by saying sorry, Russ.” I don’t say anything. I can’t say anything because I’m scared of opening my mouth. “And I want to say thank you.”
I can’t hide it, the thank you has caught me off guard. I’m so used to my dad pushing the blame onto everyone but himself. There was always a reason he was in a bad mood or was having a bad day and it revolved around how we all weren’t doing good enough.
“That day in the hospital when you told me how I made you feel, I thought that was my rock bottom, but it wasn’t because I didn’t change. I was humiliated that I’d made my own son believe vile things about himself—and why wouldn’t you? I’d been living for myself for years, not caring about anything or anyone. But I still didn’t change.”
“But why? Why wasn’t that enough?”
“Because I had further to fall. And I did, until your mom kicked me out and I truly hit rock bottom. I didn’t want to admit I had an issue. It’s easy to hide a gambling addiction because there’s no physical signs. It’s not drugs or alcohol, nobody sees what’s going on. You convince yourself it doesn’t affect anybody but you.” He leans against his knees, his hands shaking as he holds them together. “But that was my turning point. From there things started to get better. I don’t want to be someone you hate, Russ. I don’t want to be someone who hurts you.”
“You’re an expert at lying, Dad. Why should I believe you’re not just dragging us all along for you not to change?”
“Because pride stopped me getting help before. When I was gambling, I was always a bad loser, but I stayed optimistic the next bet would be the right one. I’m taking that optimism and I’m applying it to my recovery.”
“When you were gambling?”
He nods, rubbing at the back of his neck, a habit I’ve never noticed him do before. “I haven’t put on a bet since I saw you at your camp. I know it’s not long, but it’s the longest I’ve gone in fifteen years. I’ve been attending Gamblers Anonymous meetings and I’m going to be starting counseling to try and process some things I need to.”
I’m overwhelmed with information and it all still feels too good to be true. I know what a big deal this is and I know I’m supposed to be happy, but there’s a small nagging feeling in my brain that tells me not to get my hopes up and to continue to hold him at a distance.
“Do you have any questions to ask me?” he says.
I have millions but none of them come to mind. “No.”
“You must have some.”
We sit in silence for a full minute and I try to think of what I want to ask him. I’ve spent so many years trying not to engage with him that I can’t remember how to do it now. It’s like trying to use a muscle you haven’t used in a really long time. “I don’t.”
“Well if you think of any you can ask me any time. Part of my recovery is to make amends with the people I’ve hurt through my addiction and I know I’ve hurt you. At GA they say the best form of apology is changed behavior and I hope over time you’ll see me become someone you want to be around again.”
“I hope so too.”
“Your brother put me in touch with a debt charity and they’re giving me advice on how to get my finances in order. I’ve been hiding things from your mother for a really long time. I want to pay back the money I took from you.”
“I don’t care about the money,” I say instantly.
“That may be so, but it’s your money and I never should have asked you for it in the first place. It was wrong of me and it shows you’re a good person to be so generous.”
I wonder if I hit my head and I’m hallucinating. Before I’d mentally checked out of my family drama, when things were really bad, I used to have pretend conversations in my head with my dad. I’d practice what I’d say, how he’d react and then by the end of it, he’d be better again.
“I want to be part of this family again, Russ. I know it’s my fault I’m not and I know it’s my fault you don’t feel welcome around here, but I hope over time, you can trust me enough to see I really do want to get better.”
“I’m glad you’re getting help, Dad. I truly hope it works.”
I have too many thoughts in my head.
After our heart-to-heart, Mom insisted on us all having lunch together. I cannot remember the last time we sat down as a family to eat. Thankfully, Ethan talking about his band’s new record deal manages to take up the majority of the conversation, leaving me free to listen and observe.
Ethan doesn’t bring up speaking to Aurora on the phone, which I’m grateful for. She feels too precious to risk bringing her into this environment. I know she’s strong and resilient, but I want to look after her and, given the situation with her own dad, she doesn’t need to be made to get to know mine.
If her dad was to make strides to improve like mine is trying to, she’d be first in line to give him another chance. Yesterday marked the first time she told him how she felt, much like me in that hospital room all those weeks ago. I hope it sparks the same kind of reaction I’ve gotten.
Ethan walks me back to my truck in silence after lunch. His eyes are red and glazed and he’s thinner than he was the last time I saw him, in an unhealthy way. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s high. “Are you okay?”
“Worry about yourself, little brother,” he says, opening the truck door for me.
“You look strung out, Ethan.” I’ve never seen him smoke a cigarette, never mind take drugs. “What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing,” he says, rubbing his jaw with his hand. “You wouldn’t understand anyway.”
“Try me.”
He ignores me, diverting the conversation. “You good? You have everything you need for school? I’ve got some money heading my way with this deal so, y’know, I can help out more now.”
“I have everything I need,” I say, closing the door and winding down the window. “But thanks.”
“This is what I’ve been working so hard for, this deal. All the shows, all the traveling. We’re gonna fix everything. Money buys resources, Russ. Things will be good again real soon,” he says.
“Bye, Ethan.” He pats the side of the truck before heading back toward the house and I make a mental note to call him to check in soon.
Letting myself into the house, I find Aurora in the backyard huffing over some fabric on the ground. “What’re you doing?”
She squeals and jumps around. “Oh my goodness, announce yourself before you sneak up on a girl. I nearly had a heart attack.”
She continues to pull at the material even as I walk toward her. “What’re you doing?”
“I found a tent in your wardrobe!” she says happily, looking up at me from the ground. “But I don’t know how it works and there aren’t any instructions. I thought we could camp outside next to this firepit.”
“Ten weeks in the great outdoors wasn’t enough for you?” I tease. Sitting cross legged on the grass, pulling the tent further away from her. “If you put it this close to the fire it’ll melt.”
“Why do you know everything?” she groans, moving all the pieces along to the new spot.
“Why do you not know that you shouldn’t put plastic near fire?”
Crawling along the floor in my direction, she climbs into my lap and immediately brushes my hair back, kissing my forehead. “This is my formal invitation to talk about how your day has been.”
“I still need a little time to wrap my head around it before we talk about it. Is that okay?”
She hugs me closer. “Is there anything I could do that might help you feel better?”
“You can explain to me how you think my six-five ass is fitting in this tent with you.”
Her eyes freaking light up as she grins at me. “We always make it fit.”
