As soon I was inside my apartment, I headed for the shower. I wanted every trace of makeup off my face, and I wanted the gel out of my hair.
I still smelled like Richard; his cologne still clung to my skin, but the scent of him all over my body didn’t bother me at all.
And that was the strangest part of all.
I was shocked at myself, how much I’d liked hearing his words, and having his hands on my body.
The few times I’d thought about having sex, I’d imagined that I’d kiss a man in the dark, and we’d undress and then I’d lie down and we’d finish together in the missionary position. It was very much a traditional outlook.
Richard’s way was nothing I ever expected. But I wanted to do it again.
As soon as I was out of the shower, Lily banged on my door. She must have heard the water running. I ran to the door, still in my towel.
“How’s Bella? Is something wrong?” I felt guilty for not being with my sister. But securing money for her treatment had to take precedence.
“No, she’s good. Asleep for the night.” Lily dropped onto my couch. “Are you okay? I didn’t expect you to still be up.”
I felt terrible lying to Lily. She thought I’d been out looking for another evening job to replace the one I’d lost.
I should have known Lily would notice something was up. But there was no way I could tell her. I was forbidden, for one thing, by the contracts I’d signed. They didn’t allow me to say anything about Richard until after the trial was over. And I was never to mention the club, under any circumstances. “I’m just worried about Bella.”
“I know you are. This is scary.” Lily’s eyes studied me. I’m sure she knew more was going on. “Is there something else? Did you lose your job at the Sweet Lime Café too?”
“No. My boss there has been really great.” It was underhanded, but there was one sure way to distract Lily, and that was to talk about my mother. “No one’s contacted my mother yet. About Bella being sick.”
“Does she need to know?”
During the long initial wait at the hospital, I had talked to the social worker, who’d called our DHS caseworker. “The caseworker said it would be best if we let her know. She still has some rights. I’m her guardian, but my mother is still Bella’s legal parent. If we can show that she didn’t visit Bella, didn’t sign any paperwork, didn’t provide for her in any way, then I might have a case to terminate her rights.”
“And what would that mean?”
“That she’s nothing to Bella. Legally, Bella wouldn’t be her child anymore. I could petition to adopt her. I haven’t tried it before, because there was the chance that my mom would try to regain custody. Or that the caseworker would say that my mother’s rights should be terminated, but that Bella would be better off in foster care. I couldn’t risk it.”
“But now you’re ready?”
“Yes. Now that I’m twenty, I’ve been providing for her for three years. I think it’s our best option.”
Lily broke into a smile. She loved Bella almost as much as I did, and I was eternally grateful for her support. “That sounds like a good plan.”
“Terminating her rights is huge. Bella won’t like it — she still thinks we can save our mother.” I rubbed my face, which was dry from scrubbing the makeup off with regular soap. I’d have to buy some real makeup remover and some of the fancy lotion Lauren had put on my face at the club if I was going to wear makeup every day for Richard.
I never wore makeup. If Lily had seen it on my face, she’d have known something was up.
Although if I started paying our bills without finding another job, she’d have plenty of questions as to how that was possible. Maybe I could tell her I was auditioning for a strip club. Although because she was aware of my wariness toward men, she’d find that hard to believe. I tried to picture the look on her face if I told her I was pole dancing naked.
Then I sobered. Imagine if she knew what I’d done tonight. It wasn’t a far cry from stripping. It just happened to be for one man instead of several.
It probably wasn’t fair to compare Richard to a random patron in a strip club. He had been fair and respectful, and he had listened to me.
“If my mother refuses to participate in Bella’s medical care, we might even get an emergency hearing and speed things up.”
“Wow. That’s a lot to deal with at once.”
“It is. But we’ll get through it.” I reached over and hugged Lily tight. “Thank you for staying with Bella tonight.”
“Anytime,” Lily said. “I’ll let you get to bed.”
Lily went back to her apartment, and I gave myself a pep talk. I needed to call my mother. I wanted to get it over with, and I’d be using the new smartphone Richard had given me. When I’d gotten home and gone to shower, I’d found the smartphone tucked in my purse with a note that the phone was mine to keep.
Which made my life a whole lot easier, because I needed to record this conversation. So I’d call my mother on my flip phone, and use the smartphone to record. I was sure there was a way to do both on the smartphone, but I didn’t want my mother to have that number.
Absolute dread. That’s what I felt at the prospect of calling my mother. After I recorded the conversation, I’d type it up, word for word, and give the transcript to Bella’s caseworker.
I pushed the call button.
Surprisingly enough, our mother answered. “Christina! Wanna come over?”
Nausea washed over me at the sound of her voice. She was in full-on party mode.
“No, I can’t come over. Mother, I need to talk to you. Bella is very sick. She’s in the hospital. I need to see you in person — there are some medical papers you need to look at.”
“Right. Now that she’s sick, you want to talk to me. You’re the one that wanted her. Always thought you knew best.” The sound of my mother’s laugh was high and cruel. “You deal with it.”
“I know you’re angry with me, but Bella hasn’t done anything wrong. She’d like it if you came to see her.”
“Didn’t you sit in front of God and everyone in that courtroom and say I was trash?”
“I didn’t say that you —” I had told the judge she was an unfit parent, not that she was trash. I hadn’t had the luxury of giving my mother chance after chance.
The call went dead.
My mother had hung up on me. It wasn’t the first time. As used to it as I was, it still hurt.
Now that I’d handled that, my thoughts turned back to my night with Richard. The intimacy had been amazing. I hadn’t imagined it would feel like that. But he was so remote. So distant. I didn’t mind his insistence on absolute submission — parts of me even liked it.
I’d always had to be in complete control of my life. I’d made every decision. It was nice to let him call the shots in the bedroom.
It seemed as though he was holding himself back. Not just with sex, but with who he was. I had the impression he wanted to speak several times, to share what he was thinking, but he wouldn’t allow himself. It would be difficult to be in a relationship, as unusual as it was, with someone so distant.
But I was committed. This is what I needed to do for my family. It was the right choice.
Unfortunately, my subconscious did not agree.
That night, I dreamed that my mother got custody of Bella. In the dream, the court bailiff tore her from my arms as we both screamed.
After that horror, I dreamed of Richard, and being pregnant with his baby. And him laughing and saying, “you’re just a whore. Why would I help you raise that baby?” I dreamed of having to care for an infant alongside Bella, who was still ill in the dream. My child, a little boy in the dream, asked over and over why his father didn’t want to see him. I didn’t have an answer for him.
By the time I woke up, I was nearing hysteria.
And in just a few hours, I was supposed to be moving in with Richard. My mind was a muddled mess. I didn’t trust him, because he didn’t make sense.
Sure he wanted odd things, but they weren’t depraved or painful.
He could easily find a woman who would want to submit to him. He was a gorgeous man, who was one of the richest in the country.
There were hundreds, maybe thousands of women who would jump at the chance to obey his every word.
They wouldn’t hesitate, like I had. They wouldn’t have the responsibility of raising a younger sibling.
What was his deal with wanting a virgin? Was it some kind of sick and twisted thing? What if he was going to lock me in his house and refuse to let me go?
I didn’t trust anyone but Lily. Certainly not a man.
What had I done, agreeing to this setup? My sister needed me. She was eight years old, in the hospital, and I was moving into a Santa Monica mansion on the beach.
What kind of sister would do that? I didn’t deserve to be her guardian. There’s no way a judge would consider me fit to raise her if they found out I was accepting money to sleep with a rich man.
Whore. I’d heard the men who filed in and out of our lives call my mother that name. How was I any different?
