“Iwant to get off the Xanax,” I say after counting tiles for what feels like thirty minutes. Elena’s words in her apartment have followed me the entire week. She’s right, which makes me angry. If I were a normal man, I wouldn’t have to worry about a connection to someone threatening to throw me over the edge. Her reluctance to even kiss me again shows how deep I’ve fallen into a hole of self-resentment and isolation.
Tom crosses his leg over his knee. “Would you like some referrals for psychiatrists?”
“Yes. I want to go about it the right way, so whatever you think is best.”
“I’m wondering what changed your mind regarding the medication?”
“I still think medication is necessary, but I don’t think Xanax is the right choice for me personally anymore. I want to try something different that fits my lifestyle better.”
“I’m proud of you for wanting to change this, Jax.”
He should be thanking Elena, but I don’t want to bring her into these conversations. “Thanks.”
“I can put together a list of referrals if that works for you.”
“Sure. The sooner the better. Do you think the change will affect my racing or anything?”
“I think a psychiatrist can help determine what’s the best course of action. But they know how to work with an athlete like you.”
“That’s good then.” I nod, pleased with myself for taking this first step.
“I know you can beat this, Jax. Anxiety doesn’t define you.” Tom smiles at me.
“That’s easy to say when you don’t know my fears.”
“If you’re willing to share, I’d like to help you.’”
“Let’s save that battle for another week.”
I pace the living room, staring at Elena’s bedroom door. Ever since she texted me to let me know she wasn’t feeling well, I’ve been on alert.
Over the past few months, she’s never taken an hour off, let alone a day. While I’d rather feel wounded about Elena avoiding our kiss, something tells me she wouldn’t back down from helping me, least of all because of a kiss.
A kiss she wants to forget ever happened.
A kiss I couldn’t forget even if I tried. And fuck I’ve tried. I’ve tried so damn hard, I nearly bashed my head into the wall of the shower yesterday after jacking off to the idea of her.
I’ve stooped to new lows, and that says something coming from the guy who lives at rock bottom.
Her evading me has left me on edge. Not because I care about her well-being but more so because I don’t want to get sick with whatever virus she is incubating within her body.
Liar.
I’ve resisted the urge to knock on her door. I attended the press conference without her, making sure to review the email she sent me this morning with answers to potential questions. That’s the type of workaholic she is, sending me shit to stay on top of everything.
Agitated with myself and my stupid pacing, I knock on her door. My heart threatens to escape my chest as I wait for her. Minutes pass and the ache in my chest fails to lessen.
I knock again, wanting to make sure Elena is alive and not choking on her vomit or something. For some reason, PR rep dying by her own throw up while her roommate waits outside sounds like a terrible headline. She’d want me to check on her for that potential reputation killer alone.
After another minute of silence, I place my forehead against the door. “Elena, are you alive in there? I’m not exactly concerned, but your radio silence is unusual.” Okay, I’m slightly concerned, but what the fucking ever.
“I’m not feeling well. Can you not go out or do anything that can get you in trouble today? I know the parties are crazy fun and everything, but I don’t want to deal with any repercussions tomorrow.”
A cold feeling spreads through my chest at her off-sounding voice. “Do you need medicine or some shit?” I can’t believe I’m talking to a door at the moment, practically begging for Elena to open up.
This is unbelievable of me. I should leave, but my feet stay planted to the carpet.
“No.”
“Is this because of lady problems?” God, I’m turning into a fucking pussy today.
“No. God no. Go hang with your friends without getting drunk please.” Her hoarse laugh doesn’t ease my budding worry.
I hate her forced laugh. It’s not her usual. Fuck it’s not even her sarcastic one she saves for when I’m a total arse.
I step away from her door, heeding her advice. Liam answers my texts and tells me to come on over to his hotel.
In the car, I can’t stop fidgeting in my seat, wondering if Elena needs something to feel better. I ask the driver to turn around and stop at the nearest pharmacy.
I reason with myself while standing like an idiot in the women’s hygiene aisle. I’m purely doing this because I need Elena to help me with my reputation. Nothing more, nothing less. Emphasis on the nothing more.
I’m lost as I stare at the different products, all advertising shit about heavy flows and anti-pesticide products. Bloody hell. I thank God for not being a woman at this moment. Who the fuck wants to worry about chemicals shoved up their vag?
I dial my mum. “Hey, quick question. What do women prefer for their time of the month? There’s a bunch of shit labeled pads or tampons and I can’t fathom why a woman wants to insert something looking like a cardboard bullet into her body.”
My mum laughs for a solid thirty seconds into her phone. “Please tell me why my son is shopping for sanitary wipes on a Wednesday.”
I groan as I lean against a shelf. “I don’t know what I’m doing. Elena’s acting weird as fuck and I thought it might be her period.”
“So, you went to the local drugstore for her?”
“Yes.”
“Did she ask for anything in particular?”
“No. She told me to go hang out with my friends.”
“Yet you’re calling me from the store? That doesn’t sound like your usual type of hanging out.”
“Do you want me to spell it out for you?”
Mum chuckles. “Nope. I’ll have fun reaching my own conclusions! I’m impressed with how she’s worked quite some magic on you in such a short amount of time. I thought she’d take half a year, at least.”
“This is nothing but a kind roommate thing to do.”
“Because you’re an advocate for kindness all of a sudden?” My mum’s snort makes me smile.
“Okay, fine. She helps me with a bunch of shit so I feel bad. I’ve been going slightly crazy since she’s been holed up in her room all day.”
“Interesting indeed. Are you worried about her well-being?”
“Let’s not get into this right now. Are you going to help me or not?”
“Of course. Anything for my son who clearly doesn’t like Elena.” My mum rattles off a list of items I should grab.
Twenty minutes later, I enter our suite with two bags packed with shit women apparently need to make it through their time of the month. It didn’t take a genius to guess Elena’s favorite candy, seeing as she munches on it every week while working on that damn puzzle. I bought everything Mum recommended from top-notch organic sanitary wipes to some heating pad that apparently helps with cramps.
If I thought I was fucked with Elena before, today seals the deal.
I hesitate as I near her closed door. Mustering up the courage, I knock, hoping she finally opens.
Her muffled sigh carries through the door. “Jax. I’m not in the mood today.”
“Okay, well I bought you shit to make it through your bad day, so hopefully you’re in the mood for Reese’s Pieces.” If she doesn’t come out for that, then she needs to be rushed to the nearest hospital because she has to be dying.
Her silence chokes me. I never thought I’d be intimidated by the sound, but damn Elena fucks things up inside for me.
After a solid minute of standing by the door acting like a wanker, I consider giving up. As I move to place the bag on the floor, Elena’s door cracks open.
Elena’s puffy eyes feel like a blow to my chest. She traded her usual work attire for leggings and a huge sweater with Ed Sheeran’s tour dates on it. Her hair resembles something straight out of a porno, ruffled and unlike her. The whole ensemble is concerning, especially when her face flashes with shock as she checks out the bags I clutch onto.
I can’t describe the feeling inside of me. A mix of relief and pain, both at her clearly suffering and at her showing me she is at least breathing. “I bought you stuff.” I pass her the bags like a bloody idiot.
She stares at the items with bulging eyes. “You went to the store for me?”
“Not for you. I had to grab a new toothbrush and thought you might need a few emergency items. Can’t have you getting sick and shit before the Grand Prix because I need you in tip-top shape to keep up with me.” Way to not come off like a dick, Jax.
“Oh, right.” Her eyes close. “Well, thank you. This is kind of you.” She grips the handle of the door and moves to shut it.
Without thinking, I block it with my booted foot. “Wait.”
She rears back. “What?”
I rub the back of my neck. “Is something bothering you?”
“No.”
“The way you look begs to differ.”
“Wow, you really know how to make a girl feel special.” She attempts to push my foot out of the way. Her tiny purple-painted toes are no match for me.
“Well, if something is wrong, you can talk to me.” Because you’ve done a good job of that yourself. Moron.
“We might have kissed before, but we’re not friends. We don’t talk about feelings and personal stuff. You’ve made it pretty clear.”
Her shutting me out sucks more than I care to admit. I didn’t expect it to burn like a bitch, but I get it’s warranted. Being on the receiving end of a cold shoulder doesn’t feel too great. Lesson learned. Is this how others feel when I brush them off?
“Well, I’ll be here tonight if you want to talk or anything. Feel better.” I remove my foot. She shuts the door with a soft goodbye.
I park myself on the couch and text Liam that I need to cancel our plans. I tell myself I’m not in the mood to go out—that I’d rather watch the latest action movie than meet up with my friend. It’s not because I want to be around in case Elena needs me.
Right.
A knock on the hotel door an hour later stuns me. I open it to find Elías standing there, looking a little worse for wear. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Is Elena’s shitty mood because of this idiot?
“I brought dinner for Elena.” He lifts a brown bag marked takeout.
“She’s not feeling well, so I doubt she wants to eat with you.” I can’t escape this fucker no matter how hard I try.
“I know that. We text. Are you going to let me in or keep staring at me like I want to steal your favorite toy?”
I open the door wider, giving Elías room to enter. The fact that Elena texted Elías pisses me off. The notion makes me feel stupid, buying her supplies to feel better when she has him to count on.
I stare at his bag of food with contempt. “Good luck with her. She’s all yours.”
Elías looks at her closed door before staring back at me. “This isn’t what you think it is. Don’t get mad at her because I’m here to help.”
“I never said I was mad.”
“The way your jaw ticks tells me differently. I’ve told you that she and I are friends. That’s it. She’s having a bad day, and I want to make sure she eats something.”
My stomach sinks. Fuck me. “What’s going on? Why is she acting the way she is?”
He shakes his head, lowering his voice. “It’s not my story to tell.”
“Fantastic.” It looks like I’ll never get answers because based on my attitude, I doubt Elena wants to delve into her feelings with me.
“If you expect others to open up, you should do the same.”
“I didn’t ask you for advice.”
He shakes his head. “Fine. Don’t be pissed because I’m here when I’m the one person she can count on.”
“Do whatever the fuck you want. Hope you get your cock sucked real good for bringing her dinner.” A perfect storm of anger enters my bloodstream, fucking everything up even more.
“Fuck you. I almost feel bad for how pathetically jealous you are.” Elías doesn’t bother looking back at me as he enters Elena’s room, closing the door quietly behind him.
I go to my room, desperate to escape Elías’s words. Screw him being all connected with Elena. This is the perfect reminder of why dicks like me don’t get close to other people. We’re better suited for breaking things beyond repair, surely ruining everything we touch.
Someone knocks on my bedroom door. I expect Elena, but instead, Elías is on the other side. Somehow, I resist the temptation to close the door on his face after his little stint with bringing Elena food a few hours ago.
“Do you mind if I come inside for a second? I don’t want Elena to hear me.” He glances behind him toward Elena’s closed door.
“I mind, but it’s not like you’re giving me much of a choice.” I give him space to come inside.
“Some things need to be cleared up.”
I close the door behind him. “Can’t wait.”
“Well, I’ve tried my hardest to be your friend and a decent teammate.” Elías focuses on everything but me as he walks back and forth.
“You have.” I lean against the dresser and tuck my hands in my pockets.
“And all you’ve done is be a dick to Elena and me.”
“No use denying it.” I shoot him a tight smile.
“This is the issue I want to address with you. I can’t ignore how part of you is angry at us because you think I’m into Elena, but I can assure you I’m not.”
A loud laugh bursts out of me. “Do you think I’m stupid? You both have this thing with each other.”
“As much as it pleases me to know you at least like her enough to be envious of my relationship with her, it’s not right. You shouldn’t be acting like a dick to her because you’re intimidated by me.”
“Can you quit your fucking pacing?” I bark out.
Elías stops in place. He stares at his hands, still not looking at me. “I don’t like Elena like that because I’m gay.”
Of all the things I expected Elías to say, his confession wouldn’t have made the list. If what he says is true, then I’m the biggest idiot on this planet.
Scratch that. Biggest arsehole on this side of the universe.
“Shit. For real?”
He sighs. “Yeah, dumbass. You’ve been jealous of a gay dude hanging with his best friend.”
“Wow…I mean, you’re…well, you. I didn’t expect that.” I find my ability to produce words mind-boggling.
“Why? Because I race cars and like manly shit, that means I’m not gay? Everyone’s perceptions and stigmas are the very reason I keep it a secret in the first place,” he snaps back, staring into my eyes for the first time.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just, you never hinted at it.”
“Your reaction is exactly the reason why. It’s my secret. One that only Elena, and now you, know.”
I try to wipe my face of surprise. “Why are you telling me this then?”
“Elena doesn’t deserve your bullshit anymore about us—especially since she helps you all the damn time and you act like a child. The least I can do is make her life a little easier. You want to be a dick to her because of other reasons? Fine. But I’m not going to let you sit and be a jealous idiot over someone who’d rather fuck People Magazine’s Sexiest Man of the Year.”
I laugh. “Well, at least I don’t need to give her a hard time about you anymore.”
“You need to stop giving her a hard time. Period. You’ll regret it.”
“If only life were that easy.”
Elías nods. “Life is never easy. Coming in here and telling you my secret to help my friend? Hardest shit I’ve had to do in a while. Trusting you despite barely knowing you? Even worse. From what I hear, you tend to have loose lips when you get intoxicated, so I’m not exactly thrilled to confide in you.”
Shit. I’m floored he trusts me enough to tell me this in the first place. And his reasoning behind it is something I not only respect, but slightly envy because I don’t have his kind of balls. Him willing to sacrifice himself to protect his friend is a personality trait I can’t exactly ignore.
Elías is a bloody good mate. No wonder Elena is drawn to him.
“I’ll keep your secret. I swear it.” I mean every word. “I may be a dick, but I’d never betray your confidence like that. What you did for Elena is admirable.”
Damn, Elías. He’s becoming more likable in my eyes every day.
“But you’re still going to be distant with her? Despite knowing I’m not going to make a move?”
I guess Elena didn’t confess how we were anything but distant yesterday. Little does he know that I pushed for less distance but was met with her resistance. “We have too many obstacles in our way.”
And fuck, I’m the biggest one of them all.
