TWO DAYS LATER
The noise of the machines and the intense, unpleasant hospital odor made the waiting room intolerable. I’d never liked those places, and if I’d had a choice, I’d have been anywhere but there.
I went out to the hall, sat in a chair, and hugged my knees. That had been my preferred position those past few days, and just like when I got under the covers, I closed my eyes and let my mind wander through places I wished I’d never return to. I could still hear Jenna’s voice on the other line, asking for answers I wasn’t ready to give, and then William in a rage, telling me his son had been arrested for assault.
I’d gotten to the scene quickly, and that image of Nicholas would stick in my mind for years, I thought. The ambulance had taken Michael away with bruises all over his face and body. Nicholas had broken two of his ribs. I could still see his split lip, the blood on his knuckles, the police driving him away in a squad car. Michael had defended himself as best he could, but there was little he could do against a Nick who had completely lost his mind. I had pushed him to it. Once again, it had been my fault.
I remember Jenna came up behind me, and just then, my legs gave out. She and Lion caught me before I fell, drove me to her house, and took care of me all night, not asking any questions. Lion went to the police station and called William. In the meanwhile, Jenna had sat in bed with me and hugged me while the very last tears I had left poured out. I hadn’t cried again since that night. I was now so destroyed that nothing, not even tears, could help with the pain.
And here I was now, visiting the man who had promised to help me but who was responsible for my destruction.
I sighed, and my phone buzzed on top of the plastic chair where I’d set it down. It was Will.
“He just got out, Noah,” he said, and I stood. “I had to pull a lot of strings, but in the end, O’Neil decided not to press charges… I guess you were right. You talking to him helped.”
A sense of relief filled me. “He’s out?” I asked, unable to believe it.
William sighed on the other end of the line, and I could imagine him, his face weary and full of worry, but finally able to admit his son wouldn’t go to jail over his stepdaughter.
“Yeah. Despite everything.”
I’d never have forgiven myself if Nicholas had wound up in prison. It was hard enough getting up in the morning and going to the hospital. But more guilt weighing on my shoulders—that I couldn’t have taken.
Jenna walked down the hall with two coffees and a bag of something.
“I brought you some food, and I’m not going to take no for an answer, hear me? You’re going to eat, and you’re going to do it now.”
Not paying her much attention, I grabbed the coffee from her and took a sip. It was hot, but it didn’t warm my body. I was always cold now, frozen inside and out. It didn’t matter how many blankets I had over me, something was missing—the most important thing of all.
“Nick’s out,” I whispered.
Jenna’s eyes widened, and she took a deep breath, just as I had done when I found out.
“Fuck…thank God!”
I nodded and looked away.
“Noah,” Jenna began, wanting to console me, but I didn’t want to listen to her, didn’t want to talk, didn’t want anyone trying to ease my mind. All I wanted was to isolate myself in my misery. “Things will get better, okay? Michael’s fine, he’s recovering without any problems, and Nick is out of jail. William will probably get the arrest expunged. Cheer up, please.”
I looked at her hand. On her ring finger was a pretty ring, silver with a little diamond. That was my doing, too, in a way, because the night everything had gone to hell, Lion had asked Jenna to marry him, and she’d run off to find me and deal with what had happened.
I was out of it, but not so much that I couldn’t see the glimmer in her eyes when she looked at Lion or her eyes settled on her engagement ring. I was happy for her, truly, but her happiness also tore my heart.
I’d never have that, especially after all that had happened. Knowing I’d lost Nick, I was aware of how stupid I’d been. My fear of being hurt had kept me from being loved, because Nick had loved me with all his heart, but I had pushed him away over and over until finally I’d dragged him into the darkness that surrounded me almost every hour of the day.
That was what hurt the most. I was used to pain. I feared it, I tried to avoid it as best I could, but when it came, I knew what to do. What was unbearable was knowing he was in pain.
All the times he’d told me he loved me, all the times we’d argued over stupid shit, all the stolen kisses, the caresses, the love he felt for me alone…all that had turned into his worst nightmare.
Jenna took me home that night. I hadn’t seen Briar since the gala. At some point, she’d cleared her things out of the dorm. Just as well, I thought. Briar was a part of Nick’s past I never should have known about because it had nothing to do with me anyway. I understood now that the past ought to remain in the past because when we let it come back, it can devour our present.
I took off my shoes while Jenna messed around in the kitchen, repeating that I had to eat. But I couldn’t; the knot in my stomach was so big, there was no room for anything else. I got into bed, leaned my head back, and heard paper crumpling. I felt a jab of pain as I saw that it was the letter Nick had written me.
Fingers trembling, I read it again.
I’ll give you more time. If that’s what you need, if that’s what you need to realize I love you and you alone, then I’ll do it. I don’t know what to do to make you believe me, make you see that I want to take care of you and protect you forever. I’m not going anywhere, Noah, my life and my future are with you, my happiness depends on you alone. Stop being afraid: I’ll always be your light in the darkness, my love.
I closed my eyes.
I’m not going anywhere.
My life and my future are with you.
My happiness depends on you alone…
I brought the letter to my heart and squeezed it.
I’ll always be your light in the darkness, my love.
I hugged myself, knowing those words now meant nothing. Nicholas had made it clear he never wanted to see me again. He hadn’t let me go see him in jail. He had refused to take my calls.
For him, I no longer existed.
