There was an unmistakable sense of déjà vu when Ashley walked in to meet Dr. Connor at Bellevue Medical Center. The last time she’d set foot in this place, she had been unemployed, depressed and hopeless.
Completely different from how she was now. No, she wasn’t perfect, but she’d come far.
It had been a tough, long and, most of the time, lonely battle. On some days she had lost, given in to the despair and skipped her medications. But over the long haul, she had won on more days than she had lost. Victory was a long-term thing.
Dr. Connor, a relatively young forty-something man, welcomed her with a wide smile.
“You look great.”
Compared to six years ago, when she had been unkempt and tired, Ashley probably looked more than great.
Ashley sank back into the couch she had spent hours in, but it suddenly didn’t seem as comforting anymore. But it didn’t matter. She didn’t need comfort anymore. She had the strength to face discomfort. And she was here to do exactly that.
“It has been a long time since I saw you. Six years.” Dr. Connor referred to the files from the past on his lap. “Why is it that you have decided to see me again? Have you been experiencing depression again?”
“No, I’m not depressed yet but I’ve been feeling low recently and I wanted to see you before it turns into something worse.”
“Tell me about it.” Concern glinted in his eyes, but he tried his best to look non-judgmental. Considering her history of mental illness, Ashley had no doubt that he was panicked.
“Actually… I met my ex-husband.” Ashley put her palms on her lap.
“Andrew?” Dr. Connor shifted.
“Yes, him. I know, I said I’d never fall for him again, but I have.” She dabbed her mouth with Kleenex from Dr. Connor’s table. “I even tried getting back with him, but he rejected me. I think that has a lot to do with my state of mind. Even though he made it plain that he doesn’t want anything to do with me, I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop feeling angry and frustrated. And… I can’t concentrate on anything.”
Dr. Connor looked at her like he comprehended perfectly. Which was how psychologist always looked to their patients. “What you’re going through is a difficulty in accepting that your relationship with Andrew has changed. Perhaps he loves you and maybe he doesn’t. Seven years is a long time. People’s feelings can change.”
“I know. I’m trying to forget, but it’s hard.” She dug her nails into the denim covering her thighs.
“Did you try using any of the approaches we discussed at your last session such as meditation?” Dr. Connor shifted his glasses up before they slid over the bump of his nose.
“Yes, but I can’t push him out of my head. In the beginning, when I met him, I was afraid he’d hurt me. And he has.”
Dr. Connor patted her shoulder. “But you’ve learnt to cope with hurt now. I’m sure you’ll recover faster than you did last time.”
“Yes. Getting back with him would be a gamble. I don’t know how it’ll end up. But I still want to do it. And I’m sure he wants to, somewhere deep down. We’ve kissed and come close to having sex—all in the space of a few short weeks. The chemistry between us is still there. But something keeps coming between is. Initially, it was my hatred for him. But now—I think it’s his fear. I can see something in his eyes—it flickers then it’s gone. He’s holding himself back. I don’t know why. I think something’s bothering him.”
At Carl’s birthday party, Ashley had seen it multiple times—the quick transpositions of his mood. One instant, red-hot desire flashed in his eyes, the next instant, it was replaced by guilt and confusion. She’d glimpsed some of his inner demons when she had leaned in to kiss him that night. He had feelings for her. That knowledge made it harder to forget him.
“You should talk about what’s bothering him.” Dr. Connor suggested, which made her doubt that he understood anything she’d said.
If it had been something they could discuss, she would have already talked about it. But in every meeting, he withdrew when she started talking about the past.
“He told me that he used to have nightmares after my suicide. I am wondering if he could have developed post-traumatic stress disorder after what happened.”
“It’s not possible for me to comment on that without examining the patient. But I assume he would have gotten medical help if he did have PTSD. Recovery doesn’t usually take years.”
After seeing Andrew partially break down at the grave and his insecurities last night, she was sure there was a mental dimension to it. Ashley had seen many people in her group therapy sessions with the same darkness in them when they had come in for the first time and opened up about their psychological disorders.
“There must be something.” she insisted.
“You could ask him to come in with you for couples counseling. It would help clarify his thoughts on the matter.”
“I don’t think he’ll agree to that.”
More like she was never going to be able to broach the subject with him. Did couples counseling make sense when they weren’t even a couple?
“Oh, right.” Dr. Connor shook his head vigorously.
“I’ve tried calling him so many times, but he’s blocked my number so I can’t get through.”
“As I said before, Andrew might not necessarily have the same feelings about the two of you. It seems to me he’s determined to avoid you.”
“Yes, I feel like a stalker. But I can’t stop.” Her feelings were out of control at this point. Obsessive. All she did all day was to obsess over him. It was toxic, she knew, but when you loved someone so much, it wasn’t really a choice.
“You could try spending more time with your friends or doing something you like. It would help take your mind off him.”
“Nothing can take my mind off him,” Ashley said. “But I will try.”
“It’s not healthy to pursue a relationship with someone who cannot reciprocate your feelings. I mean, when you came in after your divorce, you said you thought that you had been in a one-sided relationship with Andrew the whole time and that was the reason you were so miserable. Don’t you feel it’s the same now?”
“No, it isn’t. I found out that Andrew loved me in the past. Love is not something that disappears easily, or at least I would like to believe that. Last week, at his father’s birthday party, he said he worries about me. I think that means he still cares.”
“Worrying about someone is not the same as loving someone. It could be a way of easing the guilt Andrew feels regarding the way he treated you seven years ago.”
It was annoying how everything Andrew did could be explained away in a way that didn’t have to involve him loving her. Yet, she was sure that he did love her.
“You could be right. But guilt is not all he feels towards me. I know, it sounds like I’m in denial and making things up so I can feel better, but I’m sure he loves me. There is no basis for it, but I’m certain it. That’s why I’m not able to let go.”
Because I have to hold on for the both of us.
“I cannot tell you what to do. It’s your decision. If you feel so strongly about this, the only thing I can suggest is to try talking to him.”
How? When he doesn’t even want to talk?
Ashley slapped her palms on her thighs. “I told you he refuses to do that.”
Dr. Connor scanned his notes and his eyes widened, like he’d found something important there.
“You said you met him through a friend. Could you possibly try and approach him through your friend?”
Bella. Yes, there was Bella.
Why hadn’t she thought of this before?
***
“There is a Dr. Bella Hopkins on the line who wants to be put through. She says you know her. Should I connect her?” Adele asked, Tuesday morning.
Andrew raised an eyebrow. What a surprise. He hadn’t heard from Bella in a long time. He had almost forgotten she existed. After the divorce, she’d understandably distanced herself from him.
“Okay, put her through,” he said, curious to find out the reason behind Bella’s sudden urge to reconnect with him.
A few warped signals later, he heard a hello.
“Hey, Bella. Is that you?”
“Yes, it’s me. How are you, Andrew?” Her voice hadn’t changed at all. It was still high-pitched like it had been at thirteen.
“I didn’t expect you to call me. Did you finally remember you had a friend in middle school called Andrew?”
“No…” There was a small pause. “I’ll cut to the chase. I’m calling you as a favor for Ashley, not to re-live our middle-school memories.” Andrew’s neck stiffened at the mention of Ashley. “I don’t know what you did to hurt her again, and I don’t know why she’s being so adamant about getting back with you, but as a mutual friend all I know is that both of you are miserable right now. And I can’t stand to watch this.”
“Did she tell you I hurt her again?” He didn’t appreciate her using indirect ways of trying to change his mind.
“She doesn’t have to. It’s not difficult to guess from the way she’s been behaving. Ashley was never good at hiding her feelings.” Bella said.
Yes, Bella was right about that. Ashley’s expression on the day of Carl’s birthday was still eating away at his conscience every night. If he’d only given her that stupid kiss…
Now, he was really worried. “How has she been behaving? You don’t think she could attempt suicide again…”
“No, she won’t. She isn’t depressed. In fact, quite the opposite. She talks about you so much you that it’s starting to get on my nerves. Just meet her once, for me, so I don’t have to listen to all the things she wants to tell you but she cannot. She’s starting to spout nonsense theories about you having PTSD because of what happened seven years ago. It’s getting too much for me. I’ve never seen her so hyper.”
Andrew became speechless for a moment. Bella had hit the center of his panic zone.
He looked out of his window, at the skyscrapers blocking out sunlight. “I don’t want to talk to Ashley.”
“She’ll want to know why not.”
“It’s my way of protecting her and helping her move on, Bella. The more she sees me, the harder it’ll be for her to forget.”
And the harder it’ll be for him to forget.
Bella exhaled like she was tired. “You can’t protect her, Andrew. No one can. All you’re doing is making her suffer more. She can’t move on because she doesn’t feel she’s resolved things with you yet. So, if you really want to help her move on, you should talk to her.”
He closed his eyes. “Talking will not resolve anything. Every time we talk, things just get worse between us.”
“How will things get better when you don’t want them to get better? I’m sure you have your reasons for choosing to stay away from Ashley and I’m sure most of them are very good reasons. But if you’re attracted to her enough to sleep with her within weeks of meeting her again, and buying shoes and clothes when she’s in trouble, I’m thinking you need to reconsider your stand on whether you still love her or not. You can’t indefinitely fight what you feel for her. And by the time you decide to stop fighting yourself, she might be gone. And you won’t have gained a thing, after having gone through hell.”
“What are you getting at?” he asked.
“You love her. She loves you. Don’t let stupid things like guilt and fear tear you apart. Trust me, I know this. I’m a philosopher.”
Philosophy had nothing to do with love. Love was about making the right choices. And the choices that were right for him, could be devastating for the person he loved.
“Ashley’s emotional now. She isn’t thinking of what she’ll have to go through in the long run. I can see the big picture and I know there’s only one way this can end—”
Bella raised her voice. “Stop deluding yourself by thinking that you’re shielding her from suffering when you’re only hurting her more every time you push her away. You don’t know what’s best for her. You don’t even know what’s best for you. Being in pain is good for no one.”
He didn’t buy that. Pain was a good word. It was a signal that he was sacrificing, holding back his selfishness so he could do what was right.
“You know how it ended last time, Bella,” he found himself saying.
“This time is not last time. Don’t let it become last time by ignoring her feelings again. You already did that once.”
Andrew’s exhale was sharp. “I’m not ignoring her feelings.”
His conviction didn’t match the assurance in his tone. Realization snuck up on him. Shit. He’d ignored Ashley’s feelings again. Like during their marriage, he had believed that he was looking out for her happiness. But she wasn’t happy. He wasn’t happy. No one was happy. Then what had he been protecting all this time?
“You are,” Bella continued. “You’re totally thinking of it from your point of view. You think she’ll suffer if she gets back with you. You think she’ll get hurt. But Ashley doesn’t feel that way. She isn’t trying to avoid those things. She wants to try again and you should let her.”
Andrew fell silent for a moment and closed his eyes. It seemed like all he’d been doing by pushing Ashley away was torturing her and torturing himself. How pointless. Once again, his ego had blinded him, making him feel good about saving her, protecting her. Why hadn’t he been able to see through the hollow excuse that ‘protecting’ her was? Instead of facing the painful, buried issues that still hurt them, he’d invented more issues to pile on. He’d not changed his behavior from the past. He’d continued doing the same things, expecting a different outcome.
“I can’t force you, but please contact her, okay? You both deserve a second chance. I want to see Ashley happy.”
Bella cut the call. Andrew looked out of the window in his office, at whatever traces of the sky he could see through the gaps between buildings.
Yes, Ashley deserved a second chance.
So did he.
