I wake up to my phone falling off my nightstand after vibrating over and over again. Forcing myself out of bed, I bend over to grab it, hoping whoever is calling me at 5 a.m. has a good reason.
I have four missed calls from Connor, eight texts from Elías, and multiple Twitter notifications. Before I have a chance to check, my phone rings again, flashing with Connor’s name. I answer without a second thought.
“Hey, Connor. I just woke up and saw you called me?”
“Where the fuck were you last night?” Connor’s irritable voice hits me like a shot of caffeine.
My heart rate escalates. “Sleeping in my hotel room?”
“Why weren’t you watching Jax?” he snaps.
“Jax? He’s with his parents.”
“Check your messages.”
I put Connor on speaker so I can open the texts he sent me. Each message gets progressively worse, from Jax partying with a group of strangers to him flipping out and going on a rampage. I battle to get oxygen in my lungs.
“Why would he do this?” The words come out in a wheeze.
“I don’t know, but you have to understand why I need to hire someone else to finish this job. I need someone who is objective about the situation. It was a mistake, thinking you could work together after you both started developing feelings. I’ll own up to that.”
“Wait. Please don’t tell me you’re firing me?”
“It’s nothing personal. You know I think you’re exceptional at your job, but Jax…you’re too emotionally invested and I need someone to fix this ASAP.”
“Let me be the one to fix this. Please.” I hate begging. It goes against everything in me, but I’m willing to do it for Jax and Abuela.
Connor sighs. “I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“But…” My strained voice makes me cringe.
“I truly am sorry to terminate your contract early. I absolutely hate to do this, especially since I’ve enjoyed having you around.”
“I understand.” Which makes this whole experience all the more painful. I failed. Plain and simple. I failed so horribly that I hope my career can recover from this. “Thank you for the opportunity. I’m the one who is sorry about what happened.”
“Elena, please don’t let this termination or Jax knock down your confidence. You truly are incredible at your job.”
Who cares about being incredible when I won’t have enough money to help Abuela long-term?
“Thank you,” I manage to say.
“Please don’t hesitate to ask me for any recommendation letter or referral. While Jax didn’t work out, I’m sure there are others who will be a better fit for your kind of services.”
“I appreciate that.” The fallout of Jax’s decision wreaks havoc on my emotions; my body shakes as I attempt to keep myself put together on the phone.
“I’ll have the company send over your last payment. Feel free to reach out if you need anything.”
A shaky breath slips past my lips as I consider the loss of my bonus. “Goodbye. Thank you for everything, Connor. I’m sorry I let you down.”
“Take care, Elena. Bye.”
The click of the phone adds to the emptiness in my chest. Everything spins around me. I lay back on the bed and close my eyes, willing the tears to go away. The darkness I’m all too familiar with begs to take over. I try to fight it back the best I can, but the betrayal makes the sadness wrap around my broken heart.
Jax ruined more than my trust in him. It took him one reckless decision to throw away my chance at providing Abuela with the best care. I press my face into a pillow to muffle my cries. The one person I let into my life more than anyone else ruined it in a matter of twenty-four hours.
I cry for my grandma and my now tainted work reputation. My tears of sadness become those of frustration as I blame myself for growing close to someone like Jax. He warned me nothing good could come from us getting together and he was right.
I thought I was Jax’s salvation, but it turns out he was my damnation.
Nothing good could come from him. No matter what I do, I can’t save someone intent on drowning themselves in alcohol, self-loathing, and self-pity. Especially not when he’s desperate to push everyone away at the expense of his own depression and anxiety. And most importantly, I don’t want to.
I deserve better than that. Fuck. I deserve better than him.
I spend the next hour packing my luggage to pass time. Jax needs to come back eventually to grab his racing bag before his practice rounds, and I need something to occupy my mind. If not, I’ll end up crying, and I don’t want to let the dark thoughts win today.
By 7 a.m., Jax strolls into the hotel room like he owns the goddamn place. His eyes slide from my luggage by the door to meet my gaze.
“Why?” I scowl at his red-rimmed eyes, hating how it reminds me of how much alcohol he drank last night.
His indifferent gaze makes my heart ache. “I wanted to have fun.”
“Why lie? Why not ask me to go with you?” Why smash my heart with an emotional sledgehammer?
“Because I didn’t want you there, obviously. I wasn’t in the mood for your disappointment and judgment.”
“Did something happen with your mom? Is that why they came to Italy? If so, it’s okay if you made a mistake in the heat of the moment. I’d understand.” It would be hard, but I’m willing to forgive him because I care.
“No. Not at all. I’ve got a lot of shit going on and I needed a night without you. I wanted a night of sleep without you waking up and screaming.”
My mangled heart shreds a bit more at his words. “That’s how you feel about us? A couple of months ago, you were all about wanting to be different. People don’t change that fast. What happened?” My voice croaks.
“I don’t want to be around you anymore. Things are changing too fast, and I can’t keep up with you and the demands of the season. I’m sorry for how things are ending between us.”
“I don’t want your apologies. I want to be with someone stronger than the fear holding them back.” I somehow hold back the hurt in my voice, shielding my pain behind a wall of ice.
“That’s rich coming from the person who is afraid of the fucking dark.”
I suck in a sharp breath, failing to ease the burning in my chest and eyes. “This isn’t you.”
He turns his head away from me. “I get that I’m too fucked up to handle someone as equally fucked up. Everything happening right now in my life proves how I can’t be that kind of hero for you. And I don’t need to date someone plagued with nightmares and bad memories, or who ruins my birthday because they can’t even handle watching a movie meant for teenagers. I might be a mess, but you’re the same. You only hide it better. Go home and fix yourself. Heal. Find someone who is better for you than me.” His voice cracks.
A single tear escapes my eye and trails down my cheek. “I didn’t know you felt that way about me.”
His chest shakes, revealing his pent-up irritation. “I realized yesterday after everything with my mum, I need someone who can support me, rather than me support them. Life’s too short to spend it with the wrong kind of person.”
The ragged breath I let out hurts so damn much. “The only person who is wrong here is you. Enjoy your life, Jax. I hope it’s a long one so you can stew in your resentment and self-loathing. Thanks for fucking over my job, and thanks for smashing my heart into nothing to match yours.” I grab onto my luggage and pass him without a backward glance. “And I might be afraid of the dark, but maybe it’s for a good reason seeing as there’s monsters like you out there.” I walk away with my chin held high despite my heart cracking.
I spend the entire journey toward a cab chanting to myself that I can make it. How I can keep my emotions neutral until I’m out of eyesight. The moment I enter the car, a sob tears through my throat. I shut my phone off and give in to the sadness and betrayal, allowing myself this one moment of weakness.
I promise myself when I get home, I won’t cry anymore. Not for my career. Not for my past. And most definitely not for people who don’t appreciate the good in their life.
I’m done saving people at the expense of myself. I’m done holding on to a past of hurt, hoping it gets better without putting in the work. And most of all, I’m done with Jax Kingston, and nothing anyone can say or do will convince me otherwise.
