Year Four/Week Five – Present
“He’s a no-show, Fawn.”
There wasn’t an emotion in the world to encompass how I was feeling. Anger didn’t cut it, rage didn’t surpass it. I was – I was…
I was hurt.
“I’m sorry, babe. He’s an asshole.” She waved a hand at the bartender, ordering a round of shots. I didn’t know which kind. I didn’t care.
When the liquor came, I downed both in one gulp. I still didn’t know what the taste was.
“At least you know now, right? You don’t have any expectations…” Fawn was trying to comfort me, but we were at Play, one of the best nightclubs in the city.
I didn’t need comfort.
I needed a distraction.
“Dance with me, Fawn!” I yelled over the loud music, pulling her with me towards the multicoloured floor.
The first man I noticed – who noticed me was tall with dark hair. He had rounded armpit stains soaking through his grey t-shirt, but two drinks in hand. One of them must’ve been for me.
“These aren’t roofied, right?” I joked, taking hold of what I could only assume to be a vodka-cran.
I couldn’t hear what he said. I didn’t need to. After gulping down the drink, he came up behind me and fell in sync with my movements.
Fawn held my hands as she swayed her petite body to the beats; the man behind me cupped my breasts as I grinded.
The night faded in and out. My mind was taken over by the right things.
Drinks.
Pleasure.
Desire.
No Jace.
No fucking Jace.
“Can I get you another drink?” the man behind me asked, his hot breath caressing my ear.
“Please.”
When he left, I grabbed Fawn by the wrist and pulled her to the bathroom. God, I was yanking her everywhere tonight.
“No need to be rough,” she said, rubbing the skin I’d just been gripping.
“Is that guy cute?” I demanded, my eyes adjusting to the dim lighting of the bathroom corner.
“Who?”
“The one I was dancing with.”
“Um,” she was hesitating. Why was she hesitating?
“He’s not, not cute.”
“So he’s ugly.”
“I didn’t say that, Blu.”
“You might as well have!” I snapped. “Holy fucking shit… Holy fucking shit, shit, shit, shit. I can’t believe this. I hooked up with a loser!”
“You didn’t kiss him, did you?”
Did I? Wait… Did I?
“I don’t think you kissed him…” Fawn said, looking around the room like a lost little deer.
“We’re in the bathroom,” I sniped. I couldn’t understand why she was being so stupid.
“I know? I didn’t ask where we were? Why are you fighting with me?”
I didn’t know. “I don’t know, I’m sorry.” I paced around the white-tiled flooring. “I’m sorry, Fawn. My emotions are all out of whack.”
“Is it because of Jace?”
Yes. I refused to say it out loud.
“You can talk about it, you know.” She leaned against the sink when some girl walked in. Tumbled in, rather.
“Sooooo pretttyyyy…” she slurred, pointing at Fawn first and then me. Like usual. Like always.
My gaze followed her into the bathroom stall until she shut the door and began hurling.
I turned the faucet on and splashed cold water onto my face, ignoring all the foundation, mascara and lipstick that began to pill and melt away.
“What are you doing?” Fawn’s eyes were wide as she came up behind me. “Stop that.”
“It’s a dark club. No one can tell I’m ugly underneath all this.”
“Blu, what the fuck, enough of this shit!” She scrambled for the tap, shutting it off and forcing me to face her. “He’s one guy!”
“One guy who doesn’t like me!”
“One guy out of a million who would if you gave them a chance! Christ Blu,” she rubbed her forehead, the inebriation fading into the black.
“I’m calling Carter to pick us up. We’re leaving.” Fawn marched towards the door, slinging her purse over her shoulder, placing her phone against her ear.
I could hear her ranting to Carter behind the wall, but tuning it out seemed like the best option. All there was left to focus on was the gurgling sounds of the drunk girl who called Fawn pretty.
Not me. Fawn.
Why didn’t he come? Why didn’t he like me? Was I that horrible? Was I that unlovable that someone could never see the good parts of myself?
Were there any good parts left?
I sunk to the muddy, disgusting ground and felt one with the floor. We were similar, the cold tiles and me.
Stepped all over.
Dirty.
Only there to provide a smoother transition for people to get to their destination.
“Come on, Blu. Carter’s ten minutes away.” Fawn was standing in front of me, holding out her hands.
All I could do was look up at her. Her perfect, sculpted body, her slender fingers, a face cut like diamonds.
“Why do you like me?” A tear escaped the corner of my eye. For once, I didn’t wipe it away.
“We’re not doing this here.”
“If you want me to get up, you will answer me.”
“I’ll lift you, babe.” She crouched but I moved further away. The girl from the bathroom emerged and said nothing, washing her hands.
She was embarrassed.
That made two of us.
“You can’t lift me. I’m fat.”
“You’re not fat,” the drunk girl said, looking at me through a mirror. That’s why it made sense. Mirrors were distorted.
Fawn was pleading, I saw it now. I put her in distress. I was the problem. On a night that we were supposed to have fun, I ruined it. Because of one guy. One guy who didn’t like me.
One guy out of a million who should.
