Year Four/Week Thirteen – Present
“You pack like a chick,” I griped, shoving the rest of my shit into a duffle bag.
Bryce had crashed at my place since we were carpooling to Winter’s Lodge together. He had an irrational fear of forgetting something everywhere we went, so triple checking his belongings became a regular thing.
“I bought Fawn an early birthday present,” his fingers combed through sweaters and pants, “Just making sure I have it.”
“When’s her birthday?”
“Two weeks, the twelfth of December.”
My eyes narrowed. “Why the hell did you buy her something now? You don’t think you’re going to be together by then?”
He stopped rummaging, darting a shifty gaze my way. “You can be a real ass sometimes, man.”
“It was an honest question.” It was. Truly.
After Riley, I learned my lesson that doing the most for someone would never be enough. I’d bought her flowers every date, her favourite candy when I went to the store – Everything, everything I did, I thought of her.
And still, I never satisfied an inch of what she wanted.
I never satisfied her.
You could be the greatest person, perform the grandest gestures, but if that someone never valued the love you showed them in the first place, they never would.
“I just don’t want you to get hurt, you know, if things don’t work out.”
Bryce let out a laugh, and I knew exactly why he was laughing. Of all the people to give relationship advice, I was the worst. I never knew what I wanted, never even began to understand how I felt about anyone, and here I was, preaching to the most solid friend I’d ever had about what he bought a girl.
“I know Fawn and I haven’t been talking long, but she makes me really happy.” He took a pause, folding a grey shirt back into place. “I wanted to do something nice, that’s all.”
I swallowed hard, nodding in respect. “I’m glad everything’s going well, really.”
He deserved it. Some people just did.
“It still baffles me how Blu is her best friend, though. I mean, what are the odds.” He tossed me a protein bar, but I set it aside.
“Crazy coincidence,” was all I had to say. Because it was. Everything about Blu and I was.
There were multiple times throughout the past week where I tried to deny a connection, anything with Blu in general. But the more I fought it, the more I wanted her.
Connections didn’t just happen. I’d met a string of girls that were beautiful, more aesthetic than Blu, prettier than fucking Riley, and they were just… Boring. Sad to say, but a gorgeous face only got you so far. I learned that the hard way.
That’s what pissed me off about the situation. I didn’t want to feel anything, I didn’t expect to. Flirting with her came naturally, like the words slipped off my tongue before I could register what I was saying.
I texted her something risky after our Facetime call. She responded by hearting my message, and we hadn’t talked since.
It bothered me. It bothered me so fucking much.
She wanted the last word in every text conversation, I’d noticed. Probably because over the phone she could regulate what was being said, not blurt things out. I was calculated face-to-face. She was calculated over the phone.
“What are you thinking about?” Bryce asked.
Nonsense. Sheer fucking nonsense.
“Nothing.”
His cell rang and it had to have been Fawn. Her voice, one that I’d become familiar with over the last few weeks, spoke sweetly.
I tried to tune out their calls, but sometimes it was hard. After I figured out that her and Blu were friends, a part of me always listened in to see if she was there, if she’d said something about me.
“We’ll pick you up in fifteen,” he promised. “See you soon,” and hung up the call.
“What? No ‘I love you, baby’?” I joked, grabbing the Honda keys from my desk.
Mom came in clutch by letting me use the car for the weekend. Maybe she really did feel bad for me. Perks of opening up, I suppose.
“Unlike you, I don’t abuse terms of endearments to rile up women.” He zipped up his bag and kicked my ankle. “Darling.”
I shrugged, scooping up my duffel and scanned my room for anything I could’ve missed. “There was a time where you were jealous of me, you know.”
He exhaled. “Jealousy and admiration are two different things, man. I always wanted the best for you.”
Jealousy and admiration.
Two different things.
Somehow, that never clicked to me, never registered.
Did I admire Morris? Danny? Max?
Or was I always pining for what they had, envious of the things they possessed when I didn’t possess them?
Did that make me a better man, that I became what they were? Or a worse one?
Jealousy and admiration.
Huh.
Something to think about.
