IT’S late afternoon and we’re checking out the shops downtown, strolling by the gorgeously decorated window displays hand in hand. Crew humors me every time I stop to marvel at the pretty Christmas decorations, or when I have to look inside the store, though I never buy anything.
There’s really no one I want to buy Christmas gifts for. My grandparents on both sides are gone. I don’t have siblings. I’m not that close to any of my aunts and uncles. There are only my parents, and what do you buy the people who own everything they could ever want?
It was so much easier when I was younger and I could make them gifts in class. The pressure was off. Now I’m on the hunt for something special and unique, and I’m coming up empty.
The air is crisp and bitingly cold, the sky heavy with clouds. Snow lines the sidewalks, and the spindly trees are strung with twinkling white lights. Christmas decorations are everywhere. Large pine wreaths trimmed with simple red ribbons. Beautifully decorated Christmas trees stand tall in store windows. When the door opens of almost any shop, the sound of Christmas music wafts in the air, filling me with excitement.
I’ve never had a boyfriend during the holiday season—and my birthday—before. Well, I’ve never had a boyfriend, period. And while I’m not sure if I can consider Crew Lancaster my actual boyfriend, it feels like he could be.
And that feels more magical than the holiday season.
I think of last night and what we shared. How we ate dinner and kissed for a little while. Tried to watch a movie but we both could barely keep our eyes open. We ended up going to bed and never really did anything. Woke up and got ready for the day like it was perfectly normal for us to have slept together.
It was kind of nice, sleeping with Crew. Studying his face before he woke up. How sweet he looked, like the little boy he used to be. I woke him up by touching his cheek, and when he first cracked his eyes open, he looked at me as if I were the most wondrous thing he’s ever seen. It made my heart expand, filling me with far too much hope, which I needed after the doubt I struggled with last night.
He’s been patient with me all day, indulging my every whim. We ate breakfast at the hotel restaurant. Went driving around looking at all the stately houses in the area, all of them decorated for the holidays. We finally ended up here in the downtown area, which is bustling with people out shopping for gifts. It all feels so natural, spending time with Crew like this. Having him smile at me, wanting to touch me. I could get used to this.
And that’s terrifying.
I’m wandering around a shop full of useless but beautiful knickknacks, Crew patient by my side, when I come to a stop, exhaling loudly. “I don’t know what to get my mother for Christmas.”
“Is that what you’ve been looking for? Gifts for your mom?”
“And my dad.” I pick up a rustic bird carved out of wood, turning it this way and that, appreciating the technique. “They’re impossible to buy for.”
“So are mine.”
“What are you getting them?” I glance over at him expectantly.
“Nothing.” He shrugs.
I frown. “You aren’t buying them anything?”
“There’s no point. They don’t expect any of us to. Especially me.”
“Why especially you?” I set the bird down on the shelf, only for Crew to immediately pick it up.
“I’m the baby of the family. They don’t expect me to do much of anything,” he admits, weighing the carved bird in his hand. “I think I want this.”
“It is beautiful,” I agree. “And I’m pretty sure everything in this store is handmade by local artists.”
“It reminds me of you.” He holds his hand out, the bird sitting on his wide palm. “My little birdy.”
My heart swells and I do my best to mentally tell it to calm down. “That’s so sweet,” I murmur.
“I’m getting it. You should get one too. Give it to your parents. Tell them it represents you.” He nods toward the other birds sitting on the shelf.
“That’s a good idea.” I look over the remaining birds, choosing my favorite one before I follow after Crew. A question suddenly pops into my mind and I hesitate before blurting, “Do you want anything for Christmas?”
He turns to face me. “From you?”
“Well, yeah.” I roll my eyes. Like this is no big thing.
But it feels like a very big thing. A scary thing.
“If you want.” He starts heading for the short line to get rung up and I fall into step behind him.
“Are you getting me something for Christmas?” Oh, I sound pathetic. Silly. Maybe even a little desperate.
The smile he sends in my direction makes me catch my breath. “I’ve considered it. Even came up with a few options.”
My curiosity is piqued now. “Like what?”
“I can’t tell you. It should be a surprise.”
I’m scowling. I can feel it. “I hate surprises.”
He just laughs, stopping at the back of the line to purchase the bird. I’m standing next to him, thinking of all the things he could possibly get me for Christmas/my birthday. I wish I could spend it with him. I’ll be expected to spend the day with my parents and any other year, I would have no problem with that. I didn’t need guests on my special day. We always planned a small party afterward with my friends, and this year, for my eighteenth, I planned on having a big bash.
All of those plans went away. Evaporated, just like most of my friendships did. Now the only person I want to spend my birthday with is Crew.
Would he want to join us? Would my father even allow it? Even if Daddy approved, it would be a big deal, having Crew come meet my parents. I don’t know if he would even want to. That makes our relationship seem so serious.
I don’t think we’re to that point yet.
“What are you doing for the holidays?” I ask, my tone casual. As if I’m just making light conversation.
Really, I’m digging.
“I’ll be at my parents’ house, like I told you. I think we’re all getting together on Christmas Eve this year, since Charlotte has plans on Christmas Day,” Crew says. “She’ll be with her new in-laws.”
I remember seeing the photos from her wedding a few months ago. It was beautiful. Her dress, stunning.
“When I was younger, we’d all get together at my uncle’s house in Long Island. We’d stay there for days and it was fun. But as we got older, we didn’t do it as much. Especially after my aunt and uncle divorced. Then things really fell apart,” he explains.
I think of my parents and their divorce announcement—and Daddy telling me they’re going to try and repair their marriage. I don’t even know what to believe anymore. Will this make the holidays weird and uncomfortable? I hope not.
Once we leave the store, we find a bakery that also serves coffee, so we get in line, ordering frosted sugar cookies and lattes before we’re back outside, leaning against the brick building and enjoying our treats.
“It’s so cold out here.” I set the bag holding our cookies on the window ledge and wrap my hands around my to-go coffee cup. “Too bad there were no tables available inside.”
Crew pulls his cookie out of the bag. It’s a giant pale blue star. He holds it out to me and I bite off one of the points, chewing. It’s an explosion of sweet sugar and crisp cookie, and I can’t help the moan that escapes me.
“This is so good,” I murmur after I swallow.
He’s watching me with hooded eyes as he bites off another star point, and I realize this was his plan all along. He likes to watch me eat.
“It is good,” he agrees, dropping his cookie back into the bag before he grabs his coffee and takes a swig. “You want to go to dinner tonight?”
“Maybe.” I prefer to stay in, like he suggested. This is our last night. And we haven’t done anything since last night before dinner.
I sort of want to do more. Take it further. I feel so comfortable with him, and everything between us feels so right. He seems to care about me, and I definitely don’t think he’s using me.
I think of my father and his reaction. If he knew we were together this weekend, just the two of us, he would be furious. I’d probably be banned from ever seeing Crew again. And the thought of that, of never seeing him…
Fills me with panic.
“Maybe? Are you turning down a chance to go out for a meal?” I think he knows how much I like going out to eat.
“I think I’d rather stay in for the night.”
He raises a brow while I take a sip of coffee. “You don’t want to look at Christmas lights?”
I shake my head. “Not really.”
“I thought that was on your agenda.”
“Agendas can change.”
His smile is slow. Almost wolfish. I can imagine him taking a bite out of me, and enjoying every minute of it. “I don’t mind staying in with you.”
“Maybe we could pick up a pizza,” I suggest, peeking inside the white bag and contemplating if I want to eat my ornament-shaped cookie or not. I think I’ll save it for later.
“Or we could order room service,” he says.
“Whatever works.” I glance across the street, noticing the lingerie shop. The beautiful displays in the windows of scantily clad mannequins. Inspiration strikes and I send him a look. “There’s a store I want to check out real fast. Mind if I go?”
“Sure.” He glances in the direction I was just studying, a gleam forming in his eyes.
Leaving my coffee behind, I’m about to cross the street when he calls out to me.
“Find something sexy, okay?”
Oh my God.
He’s got me all figured out. Though I was also terribly obvious about it.
The moment I enter the store, I’m overwhelmed with all the many color options. Red and black lace. White and pink. Lots of green too, for the holidays, even a few plaid options. I don’t know where to look first and I wander around aimlessly, picking up a hanger here and there, shocked to find a pair of panties split right down the crotch.
Guess those offer easy access.
“Can I help you find anything?”
Startled, I immediately put the hanger back on the rack and turn to find a seemingly elegant woman dressed all in black smiling at me politely. “Oh I was just—looking.”
“Have something in particular in mind?” The woman’s brows rise.
Old Wren would’ve told her no and run out of the store. But I really want to find something to wear for Crew. Tonight.
“I’m looking for something…sweet,” I say. “And sexy.”
Her smile is faint. “What color?”
“Red. Or pink.” My favorites.
She shows me a few options, never passing judgment that I’m an almost eighteen-year- old girl shopping for something to wear for her first time having sex, which is a little…
Awkward.
“We have lots of pretty panty sets right now in the colors you like,” she says as she shows the rack to me.
I thumb through them, pausing on one set in particular. It’s constructed of sheer pink fabric trimmed with red lace, and it hides nothing. Which is sort of my intent.
I don’t want to hide with Crew. Not anymore.
Setting the hanger back, I continue browsing, but nothing else appeals. I grab the pink and red set, pleased to see my size is available and I pluck the hanger from the rack, showing the saleswoman.
“I think I’ll take this.”
She looks pleased. “A perfect choice.”
I follow her to pay for my items, glancing out the window to see Crew waiting for me where I left him across the street, scrolling on his phone. The wind ruffles his hair and he brushes it out of his eyes and I can’t help it.
My heart swells with emotion.
I like this boy.
So much. And maybe we’re moving too fast, but I don’t care.
When something feels right, you shouldn’t deny yourself. And I refuse to deny myself of spending time with Crew.
By the time we’re back at the resort, it’s dark outside, and I’m carrying in the bags filled with my purchases while Crew brings in a pizza we picked up on the way. The smell of it has me ravenous and I drop my bags by the door, reaching for the box before Crew can set it down.
“I’m starving,” I tell him as I lift the lid, grabbing a piece and taking a bite of it.
Oh man, it’s delicious.
Crew watches me with an amused expression on his face. “You’re always hungry.”
“I know.” I set the half-eaten piece back in the box, disappointment filling me. “My mother says I eat too much.”
“Don’t listen to her,” he says, his voice ferocious. “Swear to fucking God, our parents are always trying to fuck us up.”
I frown, reaching for my pizza slice once again. “You think they do it on purpose?”
“Sometimes it feels like it, especially with my parents. My dad.” He shakes his head, and I mentally will him to keep talking. To reveal more. “Like I mentioned, they have zero expectations when it comes to me, but I can’t fuck up. Ever.”
“I think my parents want to marry me off to a rich man so they won’t have to worry about me anymore,” I admit.
Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, considering how rich his family is, but I want to be honest with him.
“Don’t they have a lot of money already?”
“The whole divorce thing.” My appetite leaves me just thinking about it. “Daddy claims they’re trying to work on their marriage, but I don’t really believe them. I think…”
I clamp my lips shut, not wanting to say the words out loud. It’s okay to think them, but putting them out there, letting them hang in the air and enter the universe, makes it feel like it could actually happen.
“You think what?” Crew asks when I still haven’t spoken.
“That it’s actually going to happen. They’re just trying to protect my feelings or whatever. Get through Christmas, through my birthday and then at the beginning of the new year, they’ll spring it on me,” I explain. “They’re definitely getting a divorce. I can just feel it.”
“Sounds like a shitty way to spend the holidays, pretending everything’s okay when it’s not,” Crew says.
I like how he always keeps it real with me. Not trying to protect my feelings all the time, which is how my father always treats me. Like I’m a delicate little flower who can’t handle bad things.
Maybe I was that sort of person not so long ago, but I feel like I’ve changed. Since school started, and especially lately. Spending time with Crew, learning what’s really going on around me, has opened my eyes.
To some things I don’t want to see.
And others that I’m so glad I know now.
Like the taste of his lips. The way his hands feel when they’re on my body. Inside me.
I want to know all of that again. And more.
“It does sound pretty shitty, huh?” I say in agreement.
Crew’s eyes are so wide they nearly bug out of his head. “You just said shitty.”
I shrug. Grab my pizza slice and shove it into my mouth, chewing and then swallowing it down. “I can’t lie. It’s going to be an awful Christmas. And birthday. Not what I expected at all.”
“What did you expect?”
“I wanted everything to be perfect,” I say with a sigh, envisioning it. “I even made a Pinterest board for my eighteenth birthday celebration. Pink and gold and white. Everything sparkly and beautiful. A gorgeous cake covered in flowers made of frosting. Glitter everywhere. A dazzling dress and matching shoes that would make me feel so grown up. Like I’m an actual adult. My hair would be perfect and we’d drink champagne to celebrate. It would be cold and snowing outside but inside, it would be warm and inviting, and I would be surrounded by my favorite people.”
“Sounds nice,” he says.
“Sounds like a fantasy. Like a birthday and New Year’s celebration combined, which is what I’ve always dreamed of doing, but it’s silly, right? I don’t even like New Year’s Eve, but if I had a birthday party on the same night, maybe it would make me like it more. I don’t know. I never approached my parents with the idea because I knew they’d turn me down.”
“Why would they turn you down?” Crew asks, finally reaching for a slice of pizza. At least I’m not the only one eating.
“Because they always have plans, and they never include me. I used to think a New Year’s Eve party was so glamorous, especially the parties my parents would attend. But now I realize there is something rather ominous about New Year’s Eve. Don’t you think?”
He doesn’t say anything. Just watches me with that cool, steady gaze of his as he keeps eating.
“It’s almost the end of a year. Sometimes even an era. My birthday has come and gone, not that anyone cares about it. All of us are too busy making plans for the future. Bogus promises to ourselves we’ll never fulfill. Then there’s the countdown at the end of the night, and the frantic search to find someone to kiss at midnight. How we promise to be good and stick to our resolutions, even though we know deep down we won’t keep them.” I stop talking, realizing I sound pessimistic, which isn’t my normal style.
“You’ve thought about this a lot,” he murmurs.
I shrug one shoulder, suddenly uncomfortable. “I sound like a selfish brat.”
“You sound like someone who really doesn’t like this time of year,” he corrects.
God, he’s so right. I actually hate this time of year.
“I make all of these promises to myself, and now I’m breaking them,” I admit. “Maybe I’ll become nothing but a disappointment.”
“You’re not a disappointment.”
“To you.” I don’t bother mentioning my parents.
Specifically, my father.
“Come here.” Crew holds his hand out and I take it, letting him pull me to him, a gasp leaving me when I’m fully pressed against him. He sneaks his arm around my waist, his hand resting on my backside and I stare up at him, at a complete loss of words from the intensity in his gaze. “I don’t like seeing you look so sad.”
“I’m not sad,” I admit, and I mean it. “I just—”
“Want to forget everything else? Everybody else?”
I nod, resting a hand against his chest, my palm directly over his thundering heart. “Maybe I am a little sad.”
He dips down, his mouth at my ear. “What would make you feel better?”
I turn toward his mouth, my lips brushing his when I whisper, “You.”
