I SPEND most of the day shivering in a shower, trying to force myself to forget Lo and the male server and body parts. Self-love does nothing but frustrate me, and I sink to the cold tiles, crying the pain away.
Lo confuses me. Does he want to be with me? Or is he just afraid I’m going to ruin our lie? I can’t find the meaning to his words, no matter how hard I repeat them.
I skip dinner, but Rose barges in my room and knocks on the door. “What are you doing in there?”
I shut off the faucet and wrap a towel around my wet, wrinkly skin. When I step out of the bathroom, she appraises my state. I mutter, “We had a fight.”
“You and Lo?” Her eyes harden. “What’d he do?”
I shake my head. “I’m not even sure.” Tears build again.
“That asshole,” she says before going to my suitcase. “I knew something was wrong at dinner.” Did he look trashed? My heart sinks at the thought of Lo drinking himself into oblivion because of me.
“How so?” I ask.
She finds my charcoal bathing suit and hands it to me. “He was really quiet,” she says, actually not making a snide remark. “He excused himself early, and I saw him sit on the deck and watch the sunset.”
“Oh,” I say softly. I finger the bathing suit. “What’s this for?”
“Poppy, Daisy and I are going to the hot tub. I thought you should join.”
“I don’t feel well—”
“I know, but maybe being surrounded by other people who love you will help.”
I’m not talking about my broken heart. My hands tremble even as I hold the cloth, and I don’t know how much more I can take without having sex. I need to find the server, but Lo’s expression stops me from making a move. I don’t want to betray him, and if there’s something there—just a chance that it exists—I don’t want to ruin it. Not for anything. But I worry that I may.
I don’t have the strength to argue with Rose. So I begin to dress in the bathing suit, dropping my towel.
“Is the fight serious?” she asks, sitting on the bed with crossed legs.
I shoot her a look. “Don’t act so happy about it.”
“What? I’m not enjoying your sadness, but I’m not going to pretend to be upset if you two break up.”
“Why do you hate him so much?” I tie straps around my neck.
“I don’t hate him,” she refutes. “He annoys me, but I don’t hate him. Maybe dislike.” She runs her fingers over the nautical bedspread. “I don’t think he’s good for you. Is it so bad that I think you can do better?”
“No,” I whisper, fully dressed now. “But Lo and I…” I try to find the words. “We may not be good for each other, but sometimes I feel like he’s the only guy who could ever love me.” And that’s the truth. Because who would love this? A girl who sleeps around. A whore. A slut. Trash to be disposed. That’s what everyone sees.
“You think too lowly of yourself,” Rose says, standing. “If you don’t love yourself, Lily, how can anyone love you back?” She wraps an arm around my shoulder. “And you don’t need a guy to fulfill you. I wish you would remember that.”
And I wish that were true.
The stars twinkle overhead as all of my sisters soak in the warm, bubbling hot tub at the bow of the yacht. For this quiet hour, it seems like we’re the only ones who exist.
Thirty minutes in and I already know this is a bad idea. The jet behind my backside does nothing but lead my fantasies to dark, sensual places. And my mind has drifted so frequently that I’m surprised I haven’t fallen asleep and been afflicted with a hot sex dream.
All that keeps me present are my sisters’ numerous games like “Never Have I Ever”—in which I learned that Rose and Daisy are still virgins. Good for them. Thankfully Rose steers the conversation away from Lo and relationships. Mostly, I listen to Daisy talk about her week in Paris and the cute models, which also does not help my cause.
Then, I hear the clap of shoes across the wooden boards. I glance over my shoulder, and I try not to audibly sigh or moan or do anything at the sight of the attractive server. He sets down four towels for us and makes eye contact with me, clearly a signal, before he departs.
So this is it. I want to say no, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t have sex. And Lo hasn’t offered. So…
Here I go. I fake yawn. “I’m going to head to bed, girls,” I tell them, climbing out.
Rose watches me. “You’ll be okay?”
I nod. “Yeah. I need to talk to Lo anyway.”
“If you need backup, I’m happy to lend my nails,” she says with a smile.
I share it easily. “I’ll be sure to call you if I need them.”
That’s all it takes. I slip inside the yacht where the server lingers by the bar, talking softly to the older bartender. He gives me a onceover and then I head downstairs, looking back to make sure he follows me.
He does.
Each step down towards the cabin rooms, I sense my looming fate. Am I going to ruin our fake relationship? Lo’s paranoia ekes into my brain. What if I ruin our friendship over this? Or any possibility of a future, of something more together? I shake it off. This is like any other day. Lo will be happy that I feel better, and he’ll be glad that I did it unseen. Nothing will change. Nothing will change, I repeat.
And then I freeze at the bottom. Lo sits outside our room, empty-handed. His head hangs low, and when he sees me, he jumps to his feet. I fossilize and feel the server’s body-heat right behind me.
Lo doesn’t even look at him. He keeps his hard gaze right on me. “I need to talk to you.”
Talk. I don’t need talking. I need something else. “I’m busy.” Just say it! Tell Lo you want him and end this.
I’m a coward.
His nose flares. “Please.”
I glance back at the server, who seems to be piecing together our relationship, trying to figure out what kind it is. Very, very unconventional, that’s what.
I am awful at saying no. So even though my body protests with all its might, I nod and slip into my cabin, Lo shutting out the server behind us.
I feel like I have to justify my actions again. “Lo, I really need this. I’m sorry. I am.” I inhale a strained breath. “I just don’t know what else to do.” I keep talking, afraid of what he has to say, so my words tumble out. “I can’t stop thinking about it, and I know it won’t stop until it happens.”
“Sex or sex with him?” He points to the door. “If you really want him, Lily, then go. Have at him. Make him come, make him scream, if that’s what makes you feel better, then do it.”
“Wait,” I say, my head spinning. “Wait, that’s not. No…” I swallow. “It’s not him. It’s just the sex.” I fiddle with my fingers, much more nervous than I’ve ever been with him. This is not pretend. What we’re saying to each other—this is very real. “I’ll start shaking if I don’t find a way to satiate this. It’s like…it’s like there’s something wrong in my head, and the only way to be at ease is to do it. You understand…don’t you?”
He rubs his lips. “Yeah, yeah, I get it.”
I inhale, thinking he’s going to let me go without the added guilt. “So we’re okay then?”
He blinks in confusion. “What?” And then he realizes what I’m asking. “Fuck no, Lily. I’m not saying it’s okay for you to have sex with him.”
My eyes glass. “Why are you doing this to me?!” I scream. “I’ve never once ripped a glass out of your hands. I’m sorry you hate this guy, but there’s no one else. You want me to sleep with the old bartender? He’s my father’s age!” I do have some standards.
He scowls darkly and then touches his chest. “I’m clearly an option, and yet you still can’t ask me. I don’t fucking get it. Am I that revolting to you? You would rather go through withdrawals and bang some asshole than sleep with me?”
I gape, choked for a response. He wants to sleep with me? “I’m not going to use you like I do these other guys,” I murmur.
“Goddammit, Lily,” he curses. “I am standing here telling you that I want to have sex with you, and you still can’t accept it. Was it that terrible the first time, is that it?”
“What? No…” The first time was wrong, impetuous and rushed. Back then, we were just kids trying to make each other feel better. If we have a second time together, I don’t want it to be like that. “You shouldn’t have sex with me just because I’m withdrawing. We’re friends,” I tell him. “You’re not going to be another name on my list of guys for the week. Okay?”
His nose flares, breathing heavily. And he starts closing the distance between us.
“Lo,” I warn.
“Have you ever thought about it?”
I watch his feet near, my pulse racing.
“Have you ever thought about me inside you?”
I almost stumble back, but he hooks an arm around my waist.
“Have you ever thought about us together?”
I can hardly breathe. “Together?”
“Where I don’t share you with any other man.”
All the time. “Yes.” I keep expecting to wake up.
“If I could be enough to fill you, would you let me?”
I look at him. “Yes.”
“Then let me try,” he says, his hand cupping my face. “Let me try to be enough for you.”
“That’s a big undertaking,” I tell him, my body swelling.
His lips brush mine as he whispers. “I’m big enough to take it.” Oh… “Let me. Help you.” He places my palm over his swim trunks, right on his crotch. Yes.
“I didn’t know you wanted to…you never said anything,” I stumble. My lungs struggle for air, three years of tension bursting.
With a shuffled step, he draws me even closer and then guides me backwards to the bed. “How the hell could you not know?”
“I’m dirty,” I refute, hot tears brimming. “You don’t want me.”
His face twists in pain. “I don’t think that. Neither should you.” His lips graze my neck and then find my ear. “Lil, I want you to ask me. I need you to.”
He presses his forehead to my temple, gently edging me closer to the mattress, his hands tight on my hips. I continue to struggle for breath. I know what he wants now.
He wants this to be real.
So do I.
“Help me,” I say, breathlessly.
He grips the back of my neck, hard, plunging his tongue in my mouth. My legs hit the mattress, and my back slams into the bed. He lifts me up, all while keeping his lips hungrily on mine.
Bottles clatter to the floor, and Lo doesn’t pull away to retrieve them. His hand kneads my breast, my top coming off. I grip his bare back, clutching for support. I try to flip over so I can be on top, but he refuses my demands, keeping my body trapped beneath his weight.
I succumb to his hardness and the way his rough movements dominate my bones. He lifts my leg around his hip but keeps my other on the bed.
I usually take control, pouncing on my prey, but here, every action has equal intensity. My fingers run through his soft hair, and his mouth sucks on my nipple, his tongue swirling around while I buck against him. Oh…
“Lo,” I moan. I can’t do this much longer. He’s too far away. There’s too much distance. “Closer.”
He pulls my arms above my head, stretching me, and I cry out, my toes curling. “I need you. Please…ahh…” I’m in my zone.
He sheds his shorts, and I try to climb on him again, but he returns to my arms, pulling them once again. He stares deeply into my eyes, his body melding perfectly into mine. “I’m not one of your conquests,” he says in a throaty voice. “I know what you want, and you don’t need to take it. I can give it to you.”
His fingers slide beneath my bikini bottoms, finding the sensitive place. They slip in and out quickly—so fast. I shudder and moan and try to speak but words don’t come. I’ve reverted to caveman talk in grunts and groans and shrieks.
“Stay still,” he orders, stepping off the bed, which rises without his weight. He walks across the room, completely naked, and fishes out a few condoms from his suitcase. I drink in his whole body. Even his cock…wow. That has definitely grown since the last I saw it.
He rips open the condom, climbing back on the bed. Unbearable seconds tick by, and I squirm, impatient.
He smiles and kisses me again, long and hard. Ah…I shudder. And then he fills me. His hips grind against mine, and he presses down with each thrust, getting as close as possible. I shut my eyes and turn my head, a natural reaction as I float away with the overwhelming sensation.
He grips my chin, still moving against me, and turns my face to his. “Look at me.”
My eyes snap open, and his words send my body in a tailspin. I cry out. “Lo…” I grip his back tightly for support. “More.”
He pumps, and his amber eyes stay on mine, driving in and out. In and out. Deeper and deeper. I am lost to his scotch-colored irises. To the way he stares into me. No one has ever looked at me like this.
Everything bursts.
I’m flying into the most blissful feeling in the world.
I never want to come down.
