I STAY in my room for two days—or that’s what I’ve determined based on counting the number of meals Izzy has brought me.
That gloomy cloud hovers over my head like imminent doom.
I fought it, you know—I tried to, anyway.
I tried not to let it occupy my thoughts, but at some point, it just did.
For the first time, I had no appetite for the food Izzy left in front of the door. I didn’t even shower or change clothes. I didn’t sleep or do anything.
For two days, I curled up under the covers in the dark and allowed those black thoughts to seep in.
They keep whispering and murmuring in hushed voices as if no one else should hear them. They’re only meant for me, after all.
Why don’t you just let go?
Why are you holding on to a life that means nothing to you?
No one would notice you’re missing, you know.
No fucking one.
Tingles assault my nose and pressure builds behind my eyes, but I don’t cry. It’s like I can’t. I don’t have the right to.
I don’t have the right to anything.
I’ve been resisting the cloud’s whispers and murmurs, but why should I? What is there to resist?
My life is a clusterfuck, and although I have nothing to lose, I have nothing to gain either.
If I go against Asher, if I make him pay for what he did to me, what good would it bring?
Will I feel liberated at the end? Would I find a new purpose for life?
He knocked on my door yesterday. I didn’t answer and he went away.
Good. I don’t want to see his face again, not ever.
I don’t want to think about how he played with my heart, body, and mind, how he allowed the gloomy cloud to sweep over me.
Or did he?
After all, the gloomy cloud is all in my head. I realize that, I do, but that doesn’t mean I can resist it.
My armor is still unable to rebuild after the shocks I’ve received.
A knock on the door startles me from my numb state. I don’t answer. If it’s Izzy, she’ll leave the plate in front of the door then return to take it back as it is.
“Reina.”
The heart I thought was long dead pulses back to life at that voice, the deep voice with slight huskiness, the voice that brought me happiness right before he shattered it and left me in the clutches of this gloomy cloud.
The doorknob rattles then snaps back into place due to the lock. “Open up.”
Why? So he can call me a monster and dig the knife deeper? So I’ll look at his face and realize he was never mine and I’ve been a fool all along?
No, thanks.
Besides, he’s after my life. He won’t stop until he drains the last breath out of me. A full-body shudder snakes under my skin at the thought.
“Open the fucking door or I will smash it to the ground.” His voice loses all patience, pulsing with pent-up rage.
I have no doubt he’ll break the thing if he chooses to.
Do I care? No.
He can do whatever he wants, but if he expects me to be the one who opens that door for him, he’ll be disappointed. It won’t be happening.
Villains shouldn’t be allowed inside under any circumstances. I made that mistake once, and look where it lead me.
“Reina.” He growls my name in that deep masculine way that still makes my toes curl.
When will he stop getting to me? Next week? Next month? How about next year?
“Hide while you can,” he says before his presence disappears from in front of the door.
I don’t know how I feel he’s no longer there, but I just do.
He’s gone. For now.
I throw the covers off. Somehow, his visit has raised my body temperature and sweat has broken out on my brows and temples.
He has that effect, Asher. He gets under your skin, and before you know it, he’s trapping you, tying you up on a roof, suffocating you, and planning to kill you.
God, this is so fucked up.
The room is dark and smells of my breaths and the residual scent of Asher on the sheets: sandalwood and citrus, warmth and coldness.
I didn’t change the sheets we fucked on. I probably should’ve, but I couldn’t be bothered.
With the thick curtains drawn over the window, I don’t even know if it’s night or day.
I retrieve my phone to check the time. I put it on airplane mode and haven’t paid it attention since.
It’s five in the evening.
As soon as I turn off airplane mode, my phone buzzes with endless messages, emails, and missed calls from the squad. Lucy and Naomi sent me shouty texts about where I’ve been.
I think about making up some sort of a lie. After all, that’s exactly how my life has been in the past: a liar, a homewrecker, and everything in between.
Besides, I don’t want to explain the state I’m in. I don’t even recognize it myself.
I contemplate telling them I have the flu when an Instagram DM catches my attention.
Cloud003. He sent it two days ago, meaning the night after Jason took me to the pool house.
It’s like he was checking up on me. My chest warms at the thought.
Jason did come by yesterday, but after a knock and no reply, he left.
I click on the message.
Cloud003: …
What the hell? Just three dots?
I type before I even think about it.
Reina-Ellis: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
The reply is immediate.
Cloud003: Alien language. Keep up, Ellis.
That draws a small smile from me.
Reina-Ellis: What do you want from me?
Cloud003: Aside from your pussy?
I roll my eyes.
Reina-Ellis: Yes, aside from that.
Cloud003: Everything you have to offer, my slut.
Reina-Ellis: How about my dark thoughts?
I don’t know why the hell I mention that. I guess I need someone to vent to. Sure, I could’ve said it to Jason in person, but the semi-anonymity—from his side, not mine—gives me an inexplicable sense of courage.
Cloud003: The gloomy cloud?
My lips fall open as I stare at the words.
Reina-Ellis: How do you know about that?
Cloud003: I know everything about you.
Reina-Ellis: Are you like in my brain or something?
Cloud003: I wish. That way, I’d know everything firsthand.
Maybe I’ve told him about it in our encounters in the past. After all, Old Reina admitted to having feelings for him. Maybe that’s why Jason came to check on me.
Reina-Ellis: It’s painful. I can’t move or drink or eat or do anything. The only movement in my brain is this signal urging me to open the window and jump, just jump and see how freeing that is.
My fingers hover over the phone as the dots appear and disappear, indicating he’s typing.
No idea why I admitted that to him. I didn’t even admit it to myself earlier. All of a sudden, I needed those thoughts out there.
They’re in the world and I can’t take them back.
Cloud003: You jump in cheerleading—why would you want to jump in another way?
I don’t know what I expected as his reply, but that definitely wasn’t it. For some reason, I thought he’d make fun of me since he’s a bit of a jerk. Or maybe I wanted him to make fun of me so I wouldn’t feel this freaked out about these thoughts.
I pause, thinking about my reply.
Reina-Ellis: It’s a different type of jump.
Cloud003: Don’t.
Reina-Ellis: Don’t?
Cloud003: You’re my slut, remember? You don’t get to end your life.
Reina-Ellis: I told you I’m no longer your slut.
Cloud003: I never agreed to that.
Reina-Ellis: Doesn’t mean you get to tell me what to do.
Cloud003: What do you look forward to when you wake up in the morning?
My fingers hover over the screen as I read his reply. I…never thought of that.
Reina-Ellis: Nothing.
Cloud003: That’s the problem. You need a purpose.
Reina-Ellis: I don’t have one.
Cloud003: Yes, you do—being my slut, remember?
Reina-Ellis: *rolls eyes*
Cloud003: Fine. Let’s think of another purpose aside from that. How about cheerleading? Your friends? Your family?
No. They’re fun, but they’re not necessarily things I look forward to doing every day.
Then it hits me like nothing before and I type the word as fast as I can.
Reina-Ellis: Redemption.
Cloud003: Redemption?
Reina-Ellis: Yeah, ever since I realized what type of person I was in the past, I wake up every day thinking about ways to fix it.
That’s why I’ve been feeling down. Since I learned my redemption hit a solid wall with Asher, I lost the purpose and the need to continue.
I lost the will to live.
He’s the one I wanted to atone to the most, and when I realized nothing I do will work on him, I just pulled into myself and allowed the gloomy cloud in.
It takes several seconds for his reply to come through.
Cloud003: Why?
Reina-Ellis: What do you mean by why?
Cloud003: Why is redemption important to you?
Reina-Ellis: Because I’m not Old Reina anymore. I don’t know what I am or where I’m going from here, but I know I don’t enjoy hurting people. It’s just not me.
Cloud003: What if those you hurt don’t forgive you?
My broken heart continues dying a slow death at the reminder of Asher. He certainly would never forgive me. His perception of me is loud and clear.
Reina-Ellis: Then at least I tried.
An epiphany hits me.
I tried.
If I don’t try, how will I know Asher won’t forgive me? Maybe I can change his perception or prove him wrong.
Old or New Reina would never hurt someone they considered a friend. It just doesn’t work that way in my brain.
I never hurt Bree in the past and she’s a bitch, so that should mean something.
A knock sounds on the door and I startle, nearly dropping the phone.
“Open up, Rei!” Naomi’s voice hollers from outside. “I brought my tools. I can pick this lock.”
“Stop it, Nao.” Lucy’s soft voice reprimands her before she addresses me. “Are you okay, Captain? Do you need anything? I just want you to know we’re here for you, okay? Come out whenever you’re ready.”
“Yeah, campus is so boring without you or whatever,” Naomi grumbles.
My insides expand at her words, and a full-body shudder takes over me.
Did you hear that, dark thoughts?
They care.
My feet move of their own volition as I stumble from the bed and nearly fall as the sheet wraps around my legs. I kick it off and approach the door like a scared kitten.
The click is loud in the silent room as I open the door, just the slightest bit, enough for my head to peek out. The light from the hallway blinds me and I squint, trying to adjust.
Naomi and Lucy stand there, both carrying their school bags.
“Hi,” I whisper in a hoarse voice that doesn’t resemble my own.
I must look like shit. My makeup must be smeared, my hair is in complete disarray, and my clothes are rumpled.
If they notice that, they don’t comment. Lucy grins, her cheeks moving with the motion. Naomi straight-out kicks the door open and barges inside like it’s her house.
“Chop-chop!” She snaps her fingers. “You need to shower stat, and we’re getting out of this torture chamber.”
“I’m so glad you opened up for us, Rei.” Lucy engulfs me in a hug, and I fight the urge to sob as I wrap my arms around her.
I didn’t know how much I needed their company, their presence, until this moment.
From now on, I won’t allow that cloud to catch me all alone. It’ll just swallow me alive and release a corpse.
Naomi pushes me toward the bathroom, declaring that I’m a grown-ass adult who should shower on her own.
I grin as she huffs and helps me by fumbling through my clothes to find me something to wear.
“Where are we going?” I ask as I come out of the shower with a towel wrapped around me and another around my hair.
Lucy is searching through the makeup as Naomi throws me a camisole and dark jeans. “Anywhere downtown.”
“Not The Grill,” Lucy says.
“What’s that?” I ask as I dry my hair.
“A restaurant.” Lucy takes the hair towel away. “Nao hates it.”
“I don’t hate it.” She throws her hands in the air. “Actually, let’s go there.”
Lucy bites her lower lip. “Are you sure? Sebastian will be there.”
“Fuck that asshole,” she grumbles.
“Sideways,” I add as I pull my hair up in a chignon. “Do you really hate him?”
Naomi’s eyes nearly bug out. “Is that a trick question?”
“I thought…forget about it.”
“No, what? Say it.”
“I don’t know. I thought there was something between you two. You act tough, but well, you watch him.”
“I do not.”
“Uh-huh.” I grab the camisole and pull it over my head.
Naomi’s expression turns to one of pure contempt. “Like you watch Asher?”
My chest squeezes and the good mood I’ve been in since they appeared nearly disappears. “This isn’t about him.”
“Yeah, right.” Naomi flips her hair.
“We’re just an illusion, like Lucy said.” I flop in front of the mirror and stare at my eyes. They’re becoming lifeless, like the somber depths of an ocean.
“That was before.” Lucy clutches my shoulders from behind, looking at me through the mirror. “You guys are different now. You make me want to film your life.”
“No, we’re not.”
“Uh-huh.” Naomi throws the pants at my head and Lucy catches them. “Is that why he called us and asked us to check on you?”
My eyes widen as I face them. “He…he did that?”
Lucy’s smile is soft and dreamy. “He sounded worried, too. I need an Asher in my life.”
This can’t be true.
Wait—is this another one of his games?
If he wants me dead, why would he worry about me?
It doesn’t make any sense.
