You know that feeling when everything and everyone seems wrong?
You wake up in the morning and instantly wish you hadn’t, or worse, you want a redo of your entire life.
It’s the stuff people go to therapists for, and the stuff that keeps people like me up all night, hoping against hope we won’t wake up in the morning altogether.
Only to be disgusted with ourselves after.
That’s how today started, morbid and awful.
I didn’t have my usual happy pill from Kirian, and now, I hate myself for wanting Kir merely to feel better about myself.
Try being a human, Kim.
Not today, brain. Leave me alone.
Like any teenager with issues, plural, I hide from them by sneaking off to the garden. It’s weird how I recognise having issues, but I don’t want to name said issues.
Naming them is taboo. Naming them means I have to get into a rabbit hole of myself and I kind of don’t like that. Myself, I mean.
Today is just too much. Too raw and too real, and I’ve had enough with everything, and everyone.
I bottle it inside the same way any good, typical teenager with issues would.
Mum is lucky to have a daughter like me. I don’t take it out on people or drugs. Parties or boys. I have other purging methods, ones she approves of.
Such as starving myself.
I jab my fork at the bottom of my food container but don’t take a bite of my salad. I’m not in the mood to vomit; it’ll make my stomach way worse.
No, thanks.
If Elsa finds out I bailed out on her and Teal, she’ll be upset, but I don’t want her to see the puffiness under my eyes or the hollowness in them.
No matter how much makeup I put on, I can still feel the tears from last night.
I fell asleep crying after Xander shut me down so harshly. I can still sense the blade, hear the crunch against the bone and feel him twisting it inside.
He didn’t even need a new weapon. He just used that rusty knife he left in my heart that day seven years ago.
My lips are still tingling from the way he kissed me, how he grabbed me and held me like we’ll never be apart in any reincarnation.
Then he pushed me. He brought me up for air just so he could drown me all over again.
I stab my fork in a piece of tomato.
I hate him.
I hate him so fucking much.
“What did that food do to you, Kimmy?”
My war against the salad halts for a second as Ronan slides to my side, grinning wide. “There you are.”
“How did you find me?”
“I have special skills, chéri.” He plucks a piece of lettuce, chews on it, then throws it away. “How do you eat this shit?”
It’s simple. I don’t.
“Where were you yesterday, Kimmy? How can you come to my party and not wait for me? Hold on a second…” He looks me up and down as if he can read words on my clothes. “Did you get some?”
Some pushing, some kissing, some M&M’s. Take your pick.
“I’m not you, Ro,” I say instead.
“Of course you’re not. If you were, you would’ve been having fun, not hiding from a certain bastard with repulsive dimples.”
My eyes widen. He knows. How does he know? Am I underestimating how much Ronan is involved under the easy-going façade?
He waves a hand in front of my face. “Why do you look like a rat just died in your lap?”
“Ew, gross.” I hit his shoulder with mine.
“Not more gross than that.” He motions at my plate. “Go out with me and I’ll take you to the best cuisine, and it’s diet-friendly – my mother’s style.”
“Sure.” I smile.
He snaps his fingers. “You just agreed.”
I nod, wondering why he seems so surprised.
“It’s official. We’re going on a date.”
“A d-date?”
“Why do you think I asked you out?”
I stare at him for a second. Ronan has always joked about a threesome of me, him, and Elsa, but that’s all it’s been, jokes.
Why does he seem serious all of a sudden?
“B-but why?” I ask. “You have all the girls and then some.”
“You know, against common belief, I’m a fucking gentleman – unless clowns are involved, I’m not a gentleman then. Fucking creeps. Anyway, I’m doing it for you, Kimmy.”
“For me?”
“Fine, for us.” He sighs, shaking his head. “You get your payback.”
“Payback?” I know I’m starting to sound like an idiot with all these questions, but I’m seriously feeling out of my element right now.
“Knight hurt you yesterday.”
“You saw?”
“I felt it.” He pulls up a finger. “Premièrement, Knight skipped today, to fight and bleed his knuckles and will probably only show up for the game.” He adds another finger. “Deuxièmement, you’ve been crying and you ran away from him, which means he crossed a line. Finalement, I’m old-fashioned. I don’t like it when ladies cry.”
My lips part as I savour his every word. “So what? You think if I go out with you, it’ll hurt him?”
“It will.”
I laugh, and the sound is so bitter, it hurts. “I disgust him, Ro. He can’t even look at me anymore.”
My voice breaks at the end and I stop so the tears won’t come out. I did enough crying for a lifetime last night. I won’t cry again.
Doesn’t mean it hurts any less, though.
The fact that Xander is the only one who sees me but is disgusted with what he sees is a different type of pain altogether.
The most crippling one.
The one therapists can’t find a cure for.
I wish Dad were here so I could hug him. Since I was little, he’s always made me feel safe and protected with a simple hug.
And calling me his Angel.
“He doesn’t look at you like he’s disgusted with you, Kimmy.”
“He doesn’t look at me. Full stop.”
“Are you blind? You’re the only one he looks at when he thinks no one is watching. He’s perfected it so well, even you don’t notice him.”
“R-really?”
He places a hand on his chest. “I swear on my honour. Wait, I don’t have that. I swear on my sacred stash of weed.”
I laugh, abandoning the salad container. I’m not going to eat anyway, so I might as well stop with the pretence.
“There.” He grins. “I knew you’d smile.”
“You’re so daft.”
“Daft with a big dick, Kimmy. It makes a difference.”
“Yeah, right.”
“I mean it.” He turns around so he’s fully facing me. “For instance, I could have threesomes with you and Ellie all night long. Which brings us to my part of the deal. Both of you need to wear bunny outfits. Nash said you could definitely wear one when you’re drunk, and he knows his shit. I’ll get you all the tequila you like. The problem’s with Ellie; we need to convince her somehow. Does she have any dark fantasies we can explore?”
I laugh at the way he’s talking. I’ve never seen Ro so serious about such a hypothetical situation in my life. I hate to kill his fun, though, so I go with it.
“I’m afraid Elsa’s dark fantasy is everything Aiden.”
“Putain.” He rubs his jaw. “I can still spike whatever he’s drinking and have him there in body, but not mind. Think about the epic expression on his face when he wakes up to find Ellie with us.”
His eyes gleam with a rare type of sadistic mischievousness. Ronan might be the most playful and easygoing out of the horsemen, but I’m beginning to think he has his secret tendencies, too.
Those who hide their real selves with humour are the most cunning.
“He’d kill you, though, and I don’t want you dead, Ro.”
He wraps an arm around my shoulder and pats his chest. “You’re the first one to ever say that to me.”
“I am?”
“Marry me, Kimmy. And before you say anything, I have an aristocratic title and a fortune that will sustain our fourth generation. I promise satisfying sex and threesomes. Lots of threesomes.”
I laugh and the sound is relaxed compared to my earlier state of mind. “Maybe you should start looking for someone else other than Elsa. Just in case.”
“You mean instead of spiking King’s food?”
“And the fact that he’ll murder you in cold blood.”
He pouts. “But I have none other than you two on my mind.”
My gaze strays ahead and I spot Teal coming from the school’s direction to the garden. Upon seeing us, she turns around like a robot and marches back inside.
“How about –”
“Not her.” Ronan cuts me off, his complete attention on Teal as she takes stiff, almost forceful steps towards the school.
“Why not? Teal is cool.”
“She’s not.”
That’s the first time I ever heard Ronan say something remotely bad about anyone. He doesn’t even call Silver and her minions bitches, even when they act like it.
“What did Teal do to you?”
“Nothing.” He grins at me. “Yet. But she has psychotic tendencies and I need my balls.”
“Threatened, Ro?”
“Moi?” He feigns offence.
“Yes, toi.” I poke his stomach and he tickles me on my sensitive side.
We laugh as he pretends to growl, coming after my ticklish spot. I knew he’d focus on weaknesses, he just doesn’t like to show his cards upfront.
My stomach hurts with the amount of laughing while I try to push him away. Even though Ronan appears harmless, he’s still big, and I’m helpless in front of his sheer size.
All my swats fall unnoticed as he tickles me until I’m breathless and gasping with laughter.
I don’t feel it happen until I see it.
One moment Ronan and I are struggling, him pinning me to the bench, and the next, his entire presence is wrenched off me.
I shriek as Xander throws Ronan to the ground.
His eyes are red, face bloodied, and he looks ready to finish lives.
