War.
They call me that for a reason.
Wars start for a trivial cause, but they have sinister undertones. Wars are made to destroy.
Wars are the reason for death, not the other way around.
Death goes down. War remains.
My mind is bleached white as I land on Ronan, straddling his stomach. I clutch him by the collar and drive my fist straight to his face.
He had the audacity to hug her, push her against the bench, and touch her as if he has every right to.
There’s that inner voice, telling me not to show my cards this clearly, but that voice is turning dimmer by the days.
I couldn’t stop this need to wreak havoc if I tried.
It’s been a long fucking time without a war, and wars need to happen to purge people.
Wars need to happen to Death, and now, he needs to fucking bleed.
He smirks up at me as I crush my fist into his face, but he doesn’t try to fight me off, not that he can when I’m on such an adrenaline high.
A voice calls from my right, startled and soft. Somewhere at the back of my mind, I recognise it’s her, but I don’t focus on it. I don’t stop to see her or hear the same voice she used to giggle at him.
My next punch is stronger than the previous one, and Ronan’s head to lolls to the side.
“Someone is losing it.” Ronan licks the corner of his bloodied mouth. “Got a problem, mon ami?”
I punch him again, causing his words to stop where they started.
Doesn’t matter that I spent most of the night and morning fighting with thugs or that a few bruises in my body hurt like a fucker. I’m going to finish this day with an epic finale – like this bastard’s death.
“Stop it!” A slender hand wraps around my bicep, forcing me back with a shove.
It’s not that strong, but her touch is.
The feel of her fingers on my skin, separated only by my shirt, is like water dousing my fire.
The blurry lines from earlier and the black haze slowly dissipate when her face comes into view.
She’s staring at me with those huge green eyes that have never left my head, not since yesterday, not since a century ago.
Her lips part in stupefaction – or worry, I don’t know which. All I can think about is how I feasted on those lips, how they felt beneath my teeth and against my tongue.
How I tasted her, like I secretly fantasised for years, and how that single taste has opened Pandora’s fucking box, unleashed the devil’s minions, and even the jinn that Ahmed used to tell me stories about.
Because now, I’m hit by the need to taste her again, and this time, I don’t want to stop – or finish.
I want to free fall to hell.
Fuck me.
I went to fight so I could purge these thoughts, but they just keep magnifying. Her view isn’t helping either. It’s like a storm, and I’m only destined to fall, to sin, to bloody perish.
“What the hell are you doing?” she shrieks, staring at the blood oozing from Ronan’s lips. “Are you crazy?”
Yup. Totally am. Otherwise, none of this would’ve happened.
A mistake.
It was all because of alcohol.
I can tell myself that all day, but making my brain believe it is a different story altogether.
That thing is starting to hate me for the amount of rubbish I pour in it on a daily basis.
Mutual, mate.
Kimberly pushes me away with ease – actually, no. All she has to do is use her hold on my arm and I’m out of the way as if I was never there.
Just a touch, I tell myself. One single touch.
I rise to my feet, guided by her hands around my biceps. Her hands are on me.
Hands. On. Me.
Fuck, why does that feel so good? And surreal.
And fucking wrong.
She releases me just as fast. The lack of contact is like being thirsty and given water so it can be taken away at the last second. Her attention falls on Ronan and she helps him up.
The beast inside me roars back to life as he grins down on her with an expression so pure, it stabs me a hundred times all at once.
I lunge at him again, and he smiles defiantly, not even attempting to cover his face. Kimberly moves in front of him, making me stop in my tracks.
Her stance widens and she tips her chin as she glares up at me. “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you, but stop being a morbid dog or I’ll call the principal.”
Morbid dog.
That’s the word. A dog. I’ve been reduced to less than a dog because of her. At least a dog has principles, loyalty. I don’t.
The worst part is, I have no way to stop it.
As I glare at Ronan, I pretend she doesn’t exist and tell her, “This is none of your business. Get out of the way.”
“Well, I’m making it my business. You don’t get to hurt Ro on my watch.”
Ro.
Fucking Ro.
If she’s calling him that on purpose to worsen my insanity case, then it’s fucking working.
Someone book the psychiatrist ward. And the ambulance because if I’m going to be locked up for being crazy, might as well kill this fucker.
“Yes, Kimmy. Protect me from this crazy twat.” Ronan pouts as he holds her hand in his and strokes the back. Since he’s behind her, I can see all the fakery in that expression, the taunting behind his eyes, and then he just smirks at me.
He fucking smirks, motioning at her hand in his.
That’s it. He’s dead. In his sleep, in his car, in his pool. Doesn’t matter, it’s going to happen.
I laugh, the sound humourless and harsh as I address her, “You think you can stop me? Know your fucking place.”
“You know your place. You can’t just push people around and punch them simply because you want to or you can. The world doesn’t revolve around you.”
Because it revolves around you.
Nope. No. I didn’t think that.
That thought needs to be fucking eradicated.
At this rate, either she needs to disappear or I do. Otherwise, it’ll be fucking chaos from now on.
“Watch. Me.” I advance forward, but she doesn’t move or shrink back. There’s a slight tremble in her chin, which means she is scared, but she doesn’t let it take its toll on her.
Kimberly still stands in front of the fucker Ronan, unmoving, as if his safety is her purpose in life.
His safety.
His.
I come to a halt a few steps away from them, watching the scene with whatever clarity I have after all the alcohol and weed I consumed like a hippie. My head hurts, and my face burns, but the worst pain comes from the thing beating out of synch in my chest.
They were laughing and having fun earlier. She’s protecting him now.
And he stopped sleeping around.
The reality hits me like a punch to the nose. I’ve never seen her so happy with someone other than Kir until Ronan.
I’ve never seen him go out of his way for a girl until Kimberly.
“Now, if you’ll excuse us, Kimmy and I have to talk about our date.” Ronan’s voice is clear, not mocking, just stating facts.
Date.
They’re going on a fucking date.
I stare at her, waiting for her denial. Kimberly doesn’t go on dates. Kirian is her entire life and she doesn’t like to be distracted from him. Besides, she doesn’t have the confidence to. I know because I watch her more than I do myself.
She can’t go on a date with Ronan of all people. It just can’t happen.
I smile at them, but I’m sure it appears like some lunatic’s rather than mine. “Nice try.”
“Who says it’s a try?” Ronan smiles back.
“Ronan,” I growl.
“Xander,” he coos.
I glare at him, communicating all he needs to know.
Stay the fuck away.
Don’t test me or I’ll crush you like a cockroach.
Apparently, that fate doesn’t scare him since he speaks in a dramatic tone. “By all means, if you have any objection, say it now or forever hold your peace.”
Kimberly’s gaze strays my way. It’s so hopeful, I want to fucking gut myself and step on the remains.
Why does she have to look at me that way?
Didn’t I tell her to stop fucking tempting me? To stop hoping for things from me?
The more she does, the harder I’ll destroy her.
“I do.” I glare at her as I tell him, “She’s a mess you don’t want in your life.”
Her face falls as if I’ve kicked her in the stomach, stepped on it, then did the same to a puppy.
This is the only way to keep her away.
Believe me, this pain is nothing compared to the other.
“Let me worry about that. I love messes.” Ronan’s grin is permanently irritating and wishing for my fist to erase it. He tugs on her hand. “Kimmy, anything you want to say to Xander while we’re in this holy gathering?”
She’s looking at Ronan as she speaks in a calm tone. “I can’t talk to someone who’s nothing. He doesn’t even exist anymore.”
Nothing.
Doesn’t exist anymore
I pretend her words don’t slice me open and leave a bottomless hole that’s feeding on my life essence.
My smile turns threatening. “You owe me, Berly. Remember?”
She finally faces me, expression stern, determined. Closed off. “I owe you nothing. I’m done begging for a forgiveness you’ll never grant. I’m done with you and your games and your cold shoulder. I. Am. Done.”
And with that, she pulls on Ronan’s hand and brushes past me without a glance.
Without a look behind her.
I can clutch her by the wrist and pull her back. I can bring her to my side and let the world know she’ll always belong there.
But I don’t have the right to.
That knowledge slices me open more than her words. It deepens the hole, making it unrecognisable. Almost as if it’s from another universe.
“Say it,” Ronan whispers so only I can hear him as he follows her. “One word.”
Stop.
That’s the word he’s waiting to hear, and I know he’ll let go. Or I can make him with a few more punches.
My face hardens as I watch him take her from between my fingers. I stand there like a bloody fool, unable to do the one thing I ever wanted in my life.
Sometimes, what you want is the one thing you can’t get.
The one thing that will be taken away from you.
Ronan shakes his head and goes with her.
I watch their backs disappearing into the school building, and it feels as if my entire life has gone with them.
My phone vibrates with a text.
Ronan: You had your chance and you lost it.
Ronan: I’ll send pictures.
I throw the phone against a tree, making it crack. The only words that keep running in my head is her voice, her words, her resignation.
I. Am. Done.
