“Ronan?” Elsa nearly shrieks and I cover her mouth with my palm.
We’re sitting around a table in her house’s garden. Since it’s a rare sunny day, we decided to study outside. We’re sipping on juice. Or rather, Elsa is. I’ve only drunk water since I got here.
Water makes you full and keeps some of the hunger away.
She removes my hand and whisper-hisses, “You’re going on a date with Ronan?”
“It just happened.” I scribble a line with my pencil on a draft paper.
“You don’t go with things just because they happen.” Elsa pushes her notebook away, her eyes narrowing like a detective with a criminal. “Is it because of Xander?”
I told her about the kiss and the fight between the two of them earlier, because if I didn’t, I would’ve gone crazy trying to figure out what the hell happened.
Even now, I have no idea what’s going on.
“No. I mean maybe…” I stare at her from underneath my lashes. “Is it wrong that I want normal for once?”
“Of course not.” Elsa’s expression softens. “You were always a romantic at heart; it’s not weird to want that. What’s wrong is to push yourself to go down a road just because the circumstances forced you.”
“Isn’t that what happened between you and Aiden?”
“Not really. I didn’t have to force myself to be with Aiden. It was the other way around. I had to force myself to ignore the connection we had, because he scared the living fuck out of me.” She pats my hand once. “I don’t want to see you making the same mistake.”
“It’s not the same. Aiden has always looked at you like you’re his world and chased you relentlessly. All Xander’s ever done is push me away. At first, it was painful, then it became a permanent ache, and now, I can’t breathe. I want to breathe, Elsa.”
My eyes fill with tears and her face scrunches as if she can feel my pain and shares it. Elsa is known as Frozen at school because she has an epic resting bitch face and that ‘I don’t care about the world’ attitude. To see her this concerned about me warms my heart and pushes that fog back a bit.
“I’m with you, whatever you decide, Kim. If you think you’ll be happy with Ronan, then I’m all for it. Just…don’t force yourself into something you don’t want, okay? It’ll only eat you from the inside out.”
I nod, wiping away the moisture with my forefinger.
“You still haven’t told me what was on your mind that day at the hospital?” Her attention is still zeroed on me.
I pull my hand from hers and clutch a pen, pretending to read through my notes, even though they’re blurry lines. “It’s nothing.”
“It didn’t seem as if it was nothing, Kim.”
I was going to tell Elsa about the cutting, but I chickened out again, and now, my mind is in a mush. Peeking at her, I wet my lips. Maybe I can ask her for help, maybe I can say it.
You like Elsa too much, so you do everything to appear perfect in front of her, and by doing that, you kill parts of yourself slowly, thinking if she actually saw your true self-harming, vein-cutting, pill-popping self, she’d give up on you.
Xan’s words play in my mind on a loop. He hit the nail on the head with that one, the bastard.
I really do love Elsa too much to stress her out or worse, to bring something that will ultimately make her disgusted with me.
Once upon a time, Xander was my best friend and he became repulsed with me. Silver was also my friend, but she eventually pulled away from me as if we were never close.
Even though I know in my heart that Elsa is different, I can’t take the risk of losing her, too.
What if she doesn’t understand why I brought that blade to my veins? Or why I think about repeating it every day since?
What if, instead of understanding, there will be judgemental looks or, worse, pity?
I know I’m only buying time. When Dad returns, he’ll know. He always seems to know so much about me. Maybe if I tell Dad, I’ll tell her, too.
Maybe.
I’m about to deflect when Teal runs out of the house, cursing. She’s wearing jeans ripped at the knees, under which there are fishnet stockings.
Elsa laughs, her attention being robbed by her foster sister. “Knox spooked you again?”
“He’s a twat.” Teal regulates her breathing and takes a deep one as she watches me peculiarly for a second before she joins us.
Her white T-shirt for the day reads, No Man’s Land.
“Nice one.” I smile at her, thankful she saved me from Elsa’s questioning. I know my best friend will revisit the subject one day, but that day isn’t today.
Besides, when that day comes, I’ll just be ready for it.
Teal nods but says nothing as she sits on the other side of Elsa. Usually, she’d settle between us, and I’ve always thought it’s because she sees me as the middle line between her and her sister. I thought we were becoming friends. Hell, she even goes to Elites’ games with me.
Just not anymore.
Lately, she’s been keeping her distance as if she doesn’t want to be involved with me. Not that it should be a surprise. I don’t have the best track record with friends.
“Are you guys going to the game?” Elsa asks us.
“Wait, you’ll go?” Teal twirls the earbuds between her fingers.
“Sure.”
“What happened to I’ll never go to their games?” I poke her side.
“Aiden.” She smiles like an idiot. “It’s his last season and I want to be there for him.”
“Ohh,” I taunt her.
“Stop it. So are you going?”
“No, I have to take care of Kir.” And keep a distance from a certain arsehole with golden hair and ocean eyes.
I don’t even like football, but I’ve always gone to Elites’ games. I pretend it’s for the team, for Ronan, for the thrill, but it’s for him.
Only him.
I stand there, watching him from the beginning to the finish. I learnt the rules because he plays the game. I bought jerseys with Xander’s number nineteen for Kir because he loves him so much.
It’s pathetic.
And for that reason, it needs to stop.
I meant it earlier, I’m done.
“You should go, Kim.” Teal motions at Elsa’s juice and when she nods, she takes a sip. “Thirteen can use moral support.”
“Pretty sure Ro can use a different type of support.” Elsa grins.
Teal’s face remains neutral.
I laugh. “That he can. He’s been talking about that threesome again.”
“He mentioned it the other day, too.” Elsa shakes her head. “If he keeps doing that, he’ll get killed by Aiden before the end of the year.”
“I told him that. I swear he has no fear for his life.”
“He doesn’t?” Teal’s question stops us both in our tracks. “Have no fear for his life, I mean.”
Elsa hums, “Actually, I think he doesn’t. He said his father has his entire life planned for him, including his marriage and all, and he hates it.”
I nod. “I think he’s treating this as a last hurrah before he’s shoved to succeed his dad’s name and legacy.”
Teal’s lips twitch and I swear she’s about to smile, but she goes back to her signature poker face.
We drop the subject and Teal returns inside, peeking first so Knox doesn’t startle her again.
Then Elsa and I finish studying, and after I tell the girls goodbye, I pick up Kir.
Once we get home, we blast music and dance to it together, goofing around. He’s the only human I can dance this freely in front of. I’ve been teaching him moves and he’s been telling me I’m getting old.
The dork.
Mum comes out of her studio once to pick up supplies that are delivered. We lower the music and keep tickling each other and blocking our laughs so she doesn’t hear.
However, not once does she acknowledge our presence as she directs the deliverymen to carry the canvases to her studio.
Kirian’s pout appears as he watches her with puppy eyes, fidgeting, waiting for a smidge of her attention. It looks so much like me when I was a child.
You mean, even now.
I continue tickling him to divert his focus from her. As soon as the deliverymen leave and she closes her studio – that’s soundproof – we go back to dancing until we collapse.
It’s his bedtime anyway, so I usher him to his room.
“Can Xan come over?” Kir asks me once he’s put on his pyjamas and I’m tucking him in his bed.
“No,” I snap, then smile to camouflage it.
“But why not? It would be fun to dance with him.”
“I don’t like dancing in front of others. Only you, my little monkey.”
“And Dad!”
“And Dad.”
He FaceTimed us earlier and we spoke to him for thirty minutes. Kir didn’t shut up about school and his friends and how he’s the most popular one.
He is. Girls are starting to give him letters.
At least one of us isn’t a complete loser.
I told Dad I miss him and resisted the urge to ask him when he’s coming home this time. It’ll only make him feel guilty and I don’t want to ever do that to him.
“Are all the tickets really gone?” He narrows his eyes.
Okay, so I might have lied about Elites’ game tickets. It’s the only way to keep him from bugging me, sort of.
He’s a Xander fan through and through.
“Yeah, promise.”
“I’ll ask him for tickets next time.”
Of course he will. This is just a temporary solution. Kir is smarter than I give him credit for.
“Don’t bother him.”
“He said I don’t.”
I pause. “He did?”
He nods frantically. “He always asks his cook to make me brownies and lets Ahmed play with me. Xan says I can call him when you can’t pick me up.”
“Don’t tell me you did.”
He looks away.
“Kir!”
“Don’t worry, Kimmy.” Kir grins. “Xan will lie and say you dance better than me.”
I make my hands into claws. “Well, is he going to lie and say you’re not ticklish?”
“No, stop it.”
“Here comes the gorilla for the monkey.”
“Nooo!” he shrieks as I attack him, tickling his side until he gasps with giggles and laughter.
It’s only after he raises the white flag that I finally leave him alone and kiss him three times – two on his adorable cheeks and one on his forehead. “Sweet dreams, little monkey.”
“Night, Kimmy.”
I push his hair back and kiss him one more time before leaving his room.
After changing into a denim skirt and a camisole, I go outside just in time to find Ronan pulling in.
We agreed to meet once the game was over, but I never thought he’d be here straight after.
He swings the door of his Mazda open and barges outside. He still has bruises around his mouth from the fight with Xander.
It must hurt.
Just like all the bruises Xander came to school with must hurt.
No, I don’t care about him.
Ronan gathers me in a hug, scooping me off the ground. “We won!”
I squeal as he spins me around before finally putting me to my feet.
“So happy for you.”
“Liar.” He glares at me. “You could’ve been happy by actually being there.”
“I had to spend time with Kir.”
“Or you could’ve brought him with you.” He leans in to whisper, “Which means, you’ve been running away.”
“Fine. Can we go?” I really don’t want to run into Xan if he comes home now.
Although the football team usually celebrates the win at the Meet Up after every game, I’m not taking any chances.
“Sure.” He ushers me into the car, even opening the door for me.
He’s such a gentleman – protective, caring. Why can’t I fall asleep thinking about him? Why can’t I obsess over him? Have my chest squeeze for him?
If I’d had a choice in my heart’s admission process, it would’ve been Ronan.
Or that’s what I tell myself.
The car revs into life, leaving the neighbourhood, and I blow out a long breath.
“He didn’t play,” Ronan says with a smile that’s different from his easy-going ones.
Xander didn’t play? But why? He’s always a startup, except that time the coach punished him and Aiden because of a fight.
But I won’t allow myself to get sucked into that orbit. I stare out of the window at the upper-middle-class villas passing us by. “I don’t care.”
“Coach knows about the fighting and drinking and benched him,” Ronan continues, deaf to what I said.
I face him, unable to help myself. “Fighting and drinking?”
“He has an issue.” Ronan taps his fingers on the steering wheel as if he’s enjoying music that doesn’t exist.
He doesn’t go on, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say he’s playing with me.
“So? What type of issue?”
His grin nearly splits his face open. “Told you, fighting and drinking. He used to control it before, but lately, he’s been appearing hungover and barely holding on. His face has some cuts, and there are bruises on his body. He doesn’t pay attention to practice or studies or even himself. Today, he came drunk and the captain had had enough.”
“If his dad knows, he’ll be in trouble,” I murmur to myself, then realise I said it aloud.
“Pretty sure Coach called him by now,” Ronan hums. “I think there’s talk about sending him to a closed rehab and he’ll only come back for his diploma. It’s no secret Lewis will lose his shit on him. After all, this is an election year.”
Something in my chest squeezes, tightening harder the more I ignore it.
“He brought it on himself,” I say, then change the subject to the game.
Ronan launches in on his heroic accomplishments and the decisive pass he gave to Aiden so that he scored their only goal.
As we go into the restaurant, I laugh and smile at his goofy behaviour. We even commemorate the dinner with a selfie in Ronan’s over the top style. He wraps an arm around me and tucks me to his side, kissing my cheek.
Although I’m laughing on the outside, there’s something cutting me open and slicing me to tiny pieces on the inside.
I order a salad, even though Ronan says they have diet-friendly food, but I don’t eat any of it.
My body is right here in this high-end restaurant that I shouldn’t have worn a denim skirt for. The setting has an elegant brown and white combination that gives a certain type of serenity.
Not to me.
Although I’m present, smiling at what Ronan is saying, my mind is elsewhere. I’m thinking about the theories of what Lewis could do to Xander. Ronan said it. This is an election year for him and Silver’s father. They completely disallow any type of mishaps in normal days, let alone when the campaign is so close to starting. I wonder if Silver’s disappearance for the past two days has something to do with that.
Point is, Lewis has always been as strict with Xander as Mum has been with me. That day Aunt Samantha left, and Xander went home crying for her, Lewis fixed him with a glare and told him to not cry for her.
Since then, I’ve never seen tears in Xander’s eyes.
“Earth to Kimmy.” Ronan leans over so he’s close.
“Sorry, you were saying?”
“That you should take a chance.”
“Take a chance?”
“Yup.”
I swallow my non-existent saliva. “On you?”
Despite my talk, I don’t think I can do that. As Elsa said, it really sucks to force oneself. While Ronan adds flavour to my life, he’s not my favourite flavour.
He’s not pistachio.
“No, on you.” He pinches my nose.
I pull away, confused. “On me?”
“Yes, Kimmy. You’ve been thinking about Knight all night – that wasn’t supposed to rhyme – so how about you act on it?”
“I haven’t been thinking about him all night.” Right?
“Uh-huh, come on, ma chère, c’est moi.” He wipes his mouth, then scrolls through his phone. “I think I gave him enough evidence.”
I lean sideways in an attempt to see what he’s scrolling through. “Enough evidence?”
“He was home when I hugged you earlier and…” He turns the phone to show the selfie he posted on Instagram. The caption says, New Leaf. Go Elites.
My lips part to object, but I end up saying, “I don’t think it matters.”
“It does. He wants to move on, but there’s something holding him back.”
“Something like what?”
“I thought you would know.”
“I’m not sure.” If he can’t forgive me because of what happened seven years ago, then he shouldn’t act this way.
He shouldn’t kiss me, corner me, tell me I can’t hide from him.
It’s too cruel.
Ronan raises a finger. “Let me try one last push.”
He types for a few seconds, then shows me his texts to Xander.
Ronan: Feeling cute, I want to fuck a cute girl tonight. Like Kimmy.
Ronan: Jackpot! She just said yes.
Ronan: Wish me luck. Wait, I won’t need it. Tell the school we won’t be coming for a few days.
His words don’t surprise me since I know he’s joking. What makes my chest tighten is the fact that Xander saw all his texts, but there’s no reply.
Not even currently typing.
“He’ll snap.” Ronan smiles
I wouldn’t be so sure.
“Or we can do as planned.” His grin widens. “My place? I have the best stash of weed.”
My phone vibrates, and I startle.
The moment my eyes fall on the name across the screen, my heart nearly bursts out of its confinement.
Xander: Remember when you promised you’d never leave me?
My fingers tremble as I read and re-read the message. Before I can fathom a reply, another text comes.
Xander: I free you of that promise.
