Get your shit together. You’re not a kid anymore.
If Lewis had punched me, it probably wouldn’t have hurt like the stab of his words.
Being a politician, he has a way with them, words. He knows which to use to make you feel as if you’re the filthiest scum walking the earth. There’s no differentiation between family or strangers.
Lewis has allies and enemies. Spoiler alert, I fall on the last line.
Deep down, he’s always blamed me for Mum leaving, because I was an annoying little shit. I blamed him for never caring for her, for telling her to, ‘Get your shit together, Samantha.’
One day, she got her shit and left.
For Lewis, people are machines. One button and they run. Another button and they stop.
Too bad he has a machine of a son who runs on a different type of liquid. I pour the last drops in the vodka bottle down my throat and groan when there’s nothing.
I tap my pocket for a joint of weed I stole from Ronan’s bag. Nope, nothing.
Did I smoke it earlier?
You mean when he was hugging her and you watched like a pussy?
Yes, whoever is talking to me right now. When he was squeezing her body to his and I watched through the window. Only, I did something. I crushed the glass in my hand and came out with a cut over my palm.
I bandaged it, but the cloth is red and full of dry blood.
Just beautiful.
Or fucked up – depends on how you look at it.
Kirian trotted over the moment Kim left, saying he couldn’t sleep. I gave him just a small piece of brownie since it’s night, and we played a video game until he dozed off, and I placed him in the room down the hall from mine.
I was about to resume my drinking session when Ronan sent me that text and I might have thrown good alcohol across the room. Then Ahmed came over. He doesn’t approve of my newest habits, and it’s not because of his religion.
He gave me a look. That one that says he might or might not be disappointed in how I’m wasting his efforts in bringing me up. He helped re-bandage my hand and left.
His silence sliced me more than Lewis’s words and I’ve been kind of drowning in an ocean of my own choice. Good old vodka.
The door to my room opens and I barely stare back. I’m sitting on the chair in the dark, an empty bottle hanging from one hand and the bandaged one lying limp on the other side.
The light goes on, blinding me. I squint, but I don’t move my gaze from the window.
“Turn it off,” I slur. “I can’t see if it’s too bright.”
Close to midnight, no sign of her.
Just brilliant.
Way to go, Ronan. You got me.
And we need to revisit our friendship now. Either I kill him or I kill him, there’s no between.
“The fuck?” Aiden stares down at me with both his hands in his pockets. “No one mentioned a self-pity party.”
“Fuck off.” I motion at the door with my bottle.
“Are you okay?” Cole approaches me while Aiden flops on my bed and rummages through my CDs, making himself at home.
“Give me that.” I motion at the joint in Cole’s mouth. He passes it over and I take a long drag, then blow the smoke back up. “Shit, it’s just a cigarette.”
“You’re welcome.” Cole retrieves his cigarette and inhales the smoke before exhaling it through his nostrils.
If he’s smoking, shit must be hitting the fan for him, too.
Cole is a mood smoker.
“What did your father say?” Cole asks.
“You mean after you snitched to Coach that I’m drunk and he called the principal and my dear old dad?”
“Everyone smelled vodka on you, Knight.”
“More like breathed it.” Aiden leans on an elbow and grabs a ball to twirl it on his index finger.
I lay my head back. “The usual. I’m not allowed to ruin his image and blah fucking blah.”
“And the rehab,” Aiden adds. “He asked Jonathan for recommendations. If my father knows, then it’s happening.”
“At least you’ll stop getting drunk like a fool.” Cole raises an eyebrow.
“And you’ll stop the self-pity parties.”
“And the pussy moments.”
“Speaking of which, why don’t you get some?”
“Great idea.” Cole retrieves his phone. “I can call Summer or Veronica, or maybe both.”
“Add Silver to the menu and I might be interested.” I grin.
His expression doesn’t change as he tucks his phone away. “None, then.”
“Why not?” Aiden smirks. “I like Knight’s idea.”
Cole cocks his head in Aiden’s direction. “You of all people get to shut the fuck up, King.”
“Petty little bitch.” Aiden’s attention returns to me. “So, little bitch two, I don’t have all night to nurse your drunk arse. Are you going to get your shit together or should we all vote for rehab?”
“He’s going to take her virginity,” I say the only thing I’ve been thinking about. There’s so much pain in my voice, so much…fucking resignation.
“Who and who?” Cole asks.
“Yeah, details. Nash has a virgin kink.” Aiden raises an eyebrow. Cole narrows his eyes on him, then focuses back on me.
“Ronan, that fucker, is going to take her virginity,” I slur.
“That is, if she’s still a virgin.” Aiden throws the ball in the air. “This is the twenty-first century. Not everyone is waiting for a knight in shining armour. Sorry, I meant a drunk fool.”
“Kimberly might look innocent, but those are the most hardcore,” Cole adds.
“Take his word. He knows his shit.” Aiden points at Cole.
“Not better than you. Elsa seems like the hardcore type.”
Aiden’s grey eyes nearly turn black as his left one twitches. “Think about Elsa in a hardcore way again, and you’ll be buried in Jonathan’s new construction site.”
Cole smirks. “Is that a promise?”
“No, the promise is unbinding her,” Aiden says.
“She is none of your fucking business.”
Aiden raises a brow. “Are you sure, though?”
Cole flips him off then studies me again as if I’m one of his philosophical theories that he needs to set straight. “How are you sure Kim is a virgin?”
“She just is, okay? I know.” And I heard her mention it to Elsa a week or so ago when they had their girls’ sex talk, and I might have learnt shit about Aiden I can’t bleach from my mind.
And yes, in case you haven’t figured out yet, I’m a fucking creep.
“Not that you can do anything about it.” Aiden slams me with the harsh reality. “So we might as well go back to my pussy suggestion.”
“Or you can do something about it.” Cole places a hand in his pocket, taking a long drag of his cigarette. “Fuck her. Get it out of your system.”
I jerk up so fast, he doesn’t even see it when I punch him in the face. People’s punches turn wobbly and weak when drunk. Mine turns stronger.
Cole staggers back, placing a hand on his mouth.
“Say the word fuck and her name in the same sentence again and I’ll bloody kill you,” I snarl in his face.
“He technically didn’t say her name.” Aiden speaks from behind us and I can feel his smirk without having to look at him.
“I’m just playing the devil’s advocate and saying what you’re thinking about.” A small, almost innocent smile curves Cole’s lips. “It’s not my fault your mind is already there. I only translate your thoughts, Knight. I don’t form them for you.”
“You can always self-destruct and let Astor do it.” Aiden whistles. “I’m sure he’ll take good care of her. He knows how to make love and all that shit.”
I groan deep in my throat and shove Cole away, plucking a bottle of vodka from the drawer and unclasping it with jerky hands. Neither Cole nor Aiden stop me. One, they don’t really care. Two, they like chaos, so they take every chance they get to watch it unfold. If my current case isn’t the definition of chaos, I don’t know what is.
I barely feel the burn of the first swallow before I follow with the second one.
“Does that mean Astor can do it?” Cole asks.
“It has to be done, after all,” Aiden adds.
“What the fuck are you suggesting, then?” I wipe the drops of alcohol on the side of my mouth. “That I do it?”
“It’s an option.” Cole blows smoke in my face.
I glare at Aiden. “If it was Elsa, would you have done it?”
“It isn’t Elsa and I don’t consider hypothetical situations.”
“I would have,” Cole says. “No thoughts.”
“You’re the fucking devil. You don’t count.”
Cole lifts a shoulder. “Then I’ll just go to hell, if there is one.”
Aiden stands and stops in front of me. “Considering your human rights situation, I’ll answer your question. Yes, I would have done it. There’s the world and there’s Elsa, and she always comes first. Now, you just have to decide if you’re ready to burn.”
I fall on the bed, cradling the bottle to my chest.
“Is that a no?” Aiden asks.
“At least we tried.” Cole flops on the chair beside me. “This will be a long fucking night.”
“Fuck this.” Aiden sits on the other side of me. “I’m not supposed to be here.”
“He sent me a text telling me she said yes to fucking him tonight. First date and all that.” I laugh, but there’s no humour. “She fucking said yes and I freed her of the promise I always held over her head.”
I attempt to take a sip from the bottle, but Cole takes it away.
“You’ll start vomiting and I’m in no mood to clean puke.”
“Aside from babysitting your self-pity party, he means,” Aiden adds.
I fall on the bed and stare at the ceiling. “I freed her of me.”
“Do you think you did the right thing?” Cole stares down at me with his fucking green eyes and I’m tempted to poke out and maybe put in a jar.
“Yes.” My voice breaks and I cover my eyes with the back of my hand, hiding the moisture that gathers there.
No.
Somehow, I fall asleep and somehow, I dream of her.
I always dream of her when I’m at my lowest and when I’m at my highest.
Instead of Aiden and Cole’s arsehole presence, gentle hands are pulling my arm from my face. Cole’s soulless green eyes are replaced by her soft, inviting ones.
There’s moisture in their brightness, too, as if she also wants to cry.
The Kim in my dreams is a play of my imagination. She looks so real while she touches me, while she strokes my hair back like she used to do when we were kids.
A few of my favourite memories always begin with me laying my head on her lap, her stroking my hair, and me handpicking the fucking green M&M’s for her before I ate the other colours.
Then I fed her the pistachio gelato while she read her magical stories about wizards and princes and kingdoms aloud.
And knights.
Lots of fucking knights. Even if there wasn’t one, she made them up and inserted them everywhere.
My knight, she used to call me.
Now, I’m a rusty one without armour or a sword.
I abandoned being her knight to become War.
“Why have you been drinking again?” she asks in a brittle voice. “What happened to your hand?”
“Shh, don’t ruin it. Just stay like this.” I lift my head and set it on her lap so that I’m staring up at her.
The Kimberly from my dreams always tells me what a fuck-up I am and that I can do better, just as before. I can be a knight instead of War.
But not today. Today is fucked up.
Today, she’s with Ronan and I can’t do anything about it. Today, I have Cole and Aiden as my guardians because they don’t want me to do some stupid shit like getting myself killed in a gang fight.
I reach out a hand and touch her cheek with my fingers. She trembles underneath my skin as if she always wanted me to do that. My palm burns due to the cut, but I almost don’t feel it.
“You’re so beautiful, Green, and I fucking hate you for it.”
“Xan…” My nickname catches in her mouth like she doesn’t want to say it. “What the hell? You’re not supposed to call me that.”
“And you’re not supposed to be here. I freed you.”
“What if I don’t want to be freed?”
“A masochist, aren’t you now?”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe, huh?” I smile. “I’m going to do bad things to you.”
I’ll hate it in the morning, and I’ll hate myself for it, but if I only get this in dreams, then so be it.
Her eyes widen. “B-bad things like what?”
I lift my head and wrap a hand around her nape. “Like this.”
My lips meet hers and I feast on her the way I’ve always wanted.
I embrace the temptation I’ve always run away from.
