PRESENT
My mouth hangs open. I couldn’t close it if I tried.
The whole time Xander has been telling me his version of that day seven years ago, he hasn’t looked at me.
Not even once.
He’s the only one I can look at, though. I feel like if I don’t use him as a visual anchor, I’ll have some sort of a breakdown.
The wound at my wrist itches, tingling and scratching for a touch. I clutch it with my other hand, not wanting to feel that need for pain.
If I let it loose, it’ll just devour me alive.
“After that,” he says in the calm voice he’s been using since he came here. “I had to stay away because I didn’t trust myself around you.”
My nose tingles, but I ask anyway. “Trust yourself around me, how?”
His ocean eyes meet mine. They’re dark, desolate, as if he’s hanging at the bottom. “You’re my sister, Kim.”
He says it with harshness, like he’s trying to jam that information in my head.
He’s trying to hit that fact home.
And he should.
Because even as I hear those words out loud, I can’t believe them.
No – I don’t want to believe them.
Xander can’t be my brother. He just can’t.
“Maybe you heard wrong,” I say. “Maybe they weren’t –”
“I heard them again a few years later. Dad always gave Jeanine shit for the way she treated you. He made it his job to threaten her for not taking care of his daughter, of you.” He runs a hand through his hair. “You never noticed how he looks at you?”
“I-I thought it was Kir and that maybe he was Kir’s dad.” God. I didn’t even want to think about that option, but now, it turns out to be way worse.
Xander is my brother, half-brother, but it still counts as a blood sibling.
I kissed my brother.
I had oral sex with my brother.
I’ve fantasised about my brother my entire life.
Oh, God.
Oh. My. Freaking. God.
I think I’m going to throw up.
“Hey.” He leans over, reaching a hand for my face.
I slap it away, my heart beating so loudly, I’m scared it’s going to come to an imminent halt. “Don’t touch me.”
“I won’t; you’re right.” He sits back down, his shoulders hunched.
Defeated.
He looks like a knight out of a lost battle, his armour broken, and his face bruised.
I’ve never hated someone as much as I hate him right now.
“Why did you tell me?” My voice raises. “Why didn’t you take it with you to the grave?”
He could’ve just rejected me like always, and I would’ve moved on. Eventually. Now, I’ll always think of him as my brother.
And that is torture.
The worst fucking torment he could inflict on me.
“Because you did that.” He motions at my bandaged wrist. “I can’t watch you self-destruct because of me, Kim. I can’t watch you being hurt.”
“You did that just fine all these years. Why now? Why did you decide you care now?”
“I’ve always cared. Every time I pushed you away, I sliced myself deeper. The more I pretended you don’t exist, the harder I noticed you. There hasn’t been a day where I haven’t thought about you or watched you. And that’s not right, Kim. That’s not right at fucking all.”
“Because we’re siblings?”
He shakes his head. If pain could be tasted, I’d be burning in acid from the way his expression falls. “Because I never thought of you as a sibling. Because I want you as a woman and because I’m considering hell as a permanent resident as long as I get to be with you. Because I feel jealous and fucking crazy whenever anyone gets close to you. Because I want to be your first and last and fucking everything.”
He’s breathing harshly by the time he finishes, as if it took all his energy to say those words. Then he sighs. “But as I said, that’s not right, not to you.”
My chin shakes so hard until my jaw hurts. Hearing those confessions out of his lips is like being shoved into a dark murky tunnel with no way out.
There’s a strange ache in my heart, something a lot different than the fog and depression. It’s deeper and scarier, and all I want to do is let go.
But to go where?
To who?
“Dad mentioned rehab and some school in the north,” he says.
I couldn’t speak if I wanted to, so I stare up at him with widened eyes.
“I’m leaving, Kim.” He smiles, and although his dimples appear, it’s the saddest, most wrenched smile I’ve seen on his face. “It’s better for all of us.”
My gulp is loud in the silence, but I don’t say anything. I can’t.
“You’re strong, so don’t believe otherwise. You’re loved, so don’t let that bitch Jeanine tell you any different, and don’t be shy to lean on Calvin, Elsa, and Kirian. Don’t hesitate to ask for help when you need it. They care about you more than you know.”
No.
“Instead of dancing alone, dance with others. Instead of living alone, lean on others. Instead of purging the pain, talk about it.”
No.
“Live well.”
No!
I want to scream, but no words come out.
He heads to the door with steady steps. My heart weeps as his back remains the only sight. His tight, broad back that I probably will never see again.
Without turning around, he says, “You’ll always be my Green.”
And with that, he’s out of the door, leaving trails of blood in his wake.
