Two days later, the psychiatric ward decides I’m good to go home.
The trip back is like a one-way journey to hell. As I come out of Dad’s car, I stand there for long seconds, staring at the Knights’ mansion.
A part of me is yearning for one more look. I don’t even have to talk to him, all I need is to see him.
We can just watch each other from afar like we have all these years.
Until we crossed lines. Or he did. I didn’t know we were blood siblings.
If I had, I would’ve…what? What exactly would I have done?
God, this is messing me up.
Dad escorts me inside with a hand around my shoulder. I’m like a zombie, following him, but not exactly participating.
“Welcome home!”
Some confetti flies in the air as I focus on the smiling faces waiting for me – Elsa, Ronan, Teal, Knox, Cole, Aiden, and even Silver.
What the hell is Silver doing here?
I don’t focus on her, though, since a small man attacks me in a hug. I crouch and wrap my arms around Kirian in a strong embrace, my heart thudding loudly in my chest.
“Kimmy, I missed you so much!”
“I missed you, too, Monkey. Have you been a good boy without me?”
“Always.” He grins, then motions at Marian. “I helped Mari with everything.”
I mouth thank you at her and she nods with moisture pooling in her eyes.
Crouching, I kiss his cheeks harder than needed. “That’s my monkey.”
Elsa hugs me next, her eyes welling with tears. She’s been with me the whole time and she didn’t blame me for not telling her. She said she understands and that’s all I need.
Dad smiles at me, motioning upstairs. I nod back, knowing he needs to freshen up and change. He never once left my side during all those tests and doctor meetings. We already agreed on a therapy plan and he said he’ll be there with me every step on the way.
Still, even with Dad’s support, nothing can get rid of the lump that’s been lodged in my throat since that night.
It’s asphyxiating and slowly robbing me of life.
Mum isn’t around and I’m not surprised. Dad said he told her not to come out of her studio – not that she would.
“Look at you, all rosy and shit.” Knox grabs me by the shoulder in a side hug. “May I have this dance?”
Ronan slides to my other side, glaring at him. “Hey, hands off, fucker. Kimmy is my girlfriend.”
“As if you’d ever have a girlfriend.” Knox shoots back.
“I would. It’s Kimmy.”
Teal scoffs.
“Do you have a problem, ma belle?” Ronan grins at her.
She pushes them both away with surprising strength, considering her size compared to theirs. “You’re suffocating her. Leave her alone.”
“That’s right.” Elsa glares at all of them. “Leave Kim alone or I won’t sit still.”
I squeeze her hand and Aiden smiles at her, pride shining in his eyes.
Everyone goes on about what’s happened in school and how it’s been boring as hell, but no one mentions Xander or if he’s already gone.
I want to ask, but I feel like it’s taboo to even talk about him.
Did he leave without saying goodbye?
The hospital was your goodbye. What else do you need? A hug? A fucking kiss?
I close my eyes against the onslaught of emotions, trying to keep up with the semi-party everyone is throwing for me.
A part of me wants to sneak upstairs and hide underneath the covers, but that will only invite the fog and I don’t have the energy or confidence to push it off right now.
“You know what?” Elsa’s voice brings me out of my head. “I’m just going to address the elephant in the room. What are you doing here, Silver?”
I stare at the bitch queen of the school, the one who used to be my friend but now participates in my bullying.
She’s wearing one of her elegant dresses and her ‘fuck-me’ heels. Silver isn’t only beautiful, but she’s also hot, even from a girl’s point of view. She has provocative features and waist and breasts and everything. She’s basically the whole package wrapped with ‘bitch’ ribbon.
It’s crazy how someone can change from childhood. She has never been mean – secretive, yes – but not a bitch who lives to make other people’s lives hell.
She now stands an inch in front of Cole and stares back at him at Elsa’s question. He doesn’t even acknowledge her as he slowly drinks from his cup.
“True.” Ronan snaps his fingers in her direction. “We don’t need the presence of someone who bothered Kim.”
She remains silent, her face blank. But I know Silver to an extent. Her silence is hiding her flustered feelings or frustration.
“If you came here out of pity, I don’t need it,” I say aloud for everyone to hear. “You can go.”
She doesn’t move. Not even an inch. Instead, she stares at Cole again. This time, he does make eye contact, even though his bored expression doesn’t change. Silver must be able to read whatever’s in there, since she releases a deep sigh.
Her attention falls on me as she speaks low. “I’m not here because I pity you. I’m here because I know how it feels to want to end the pain. I tried it before, but it only made it worse.”
“You…did?” I ask, not believing what I’m hearing. Silver isn’t the type who talks about herself this openly. She’s too arrogant to enumerate her weaknesses in front of so many people who can use it against her.
“What I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry if I participated in that pain. It’s not you, Kim. It’s how I deal with…” she trails off and her shoulders lock like someone is throttling her from behind. Cole is still drinking with nonchalance as if she’s not speaking at all.
“Things,” she breathes out and places her untouched cup on the table. “It’s clear I’m not welcome here, so I’ll just go.”
She doesn’t spare any of us a glance as she walks out, carrying herself with her usual high and mighty posture. Cole stares after her for a second before a slight smile – or smirk – lifts his lips. It’s gone as soon as it appears, making me wonder if it happened in the first place.
“Wow, can you believe that?” Elsa leans in to ask me. “Silver apologising. I swear something is wrong in her head lately.”
“Or she’s scared,” I whisper, more to myself than aloud.
“What?” Elsa asks.
“Nothing.” It’s none of my business, even though I’m pretty sure something is completely wrong with her.
Silver has been acting out of character more often than not lately. That means she’s either being threatened, or she has a life-altering situation.
Maybe I should tell Dad about it. He’s friends with her father, the mighty future prime minister, Sebastian Queens.
The party goes on. The boys put on a football game, and it’s a nostalgic reminder of the times where we used to meet in Aiden’s house for game nights when he started going out with Elsa.
How I used to sit in a position that gave me a discreet view of Xander’s side profile. I’ve lost count of how many times I watched him while pretending to focus on the game. Or how much I smiled when he and Ronan jumped up to celebrate a goal.
Now, he’s gone.
I shake my head once, not wanting to think about that particular subject.
“So, hear this.” Elsa brings my attention to her and Teal. The three of us are sitting with Kir around the dining table as he devours the cake. “Teal says love is only a chemical reaction.”
“It is.” Teal crosses her arms over her T-shirt that reads, Don’t Know. Don’t Care. “It’s just a dopamine rush like drugs and other things.”
“You can’t get drugs to fuck you.” Elsa raises an eyebrow.
“You can have them get you high, and that’s better than fucking.” Teal keeps her ground.
“Drugs can make you feel high, but it’s temporary.” I wipe the corner of Kir’s mouth. “Love can be temporary, too, but it has an everlasting effect. Sometimes, it becomes hard to breathe or think or even be without it.”
“That.” Elsa’s eyes brighten up.
She’s saying that because she’s living it with Aiden – who’s been watching her instead of the game, by the way, but why the hell am I saying it?
“You guys need help.” Teal shoves an earbud in her ear. Elsa laughs, hitting her shoulder with hers.
“Can I get juice, Kimmy?” Kir asks me.
“Sure thing, Monkey. And slow down.”
“Mmmm,” he speaks through his bite of cake, grinning up at me.
Teal and Elsa are still in their friendly banter. Knox and Ronan are shouting at the game while Aiden watches Elsa. Cole flips through a sociology book from Dad’s library.
The scene and the sounds disappear as I go into the kitchen. I open the refrigerator, but I don’t find Kir’s favourite apple juice.
I try the cupboard, but the top one won’t open. I stand on tiptoe and pull it hard, but still nothing.
Frustration bubbles into my blood, and it’s not because of the stupid cupboard.
My gaze strays to the house opposite us. It’s quiet, lifeless, and appears deserted.
Is this how I will act from now on? I’ll look at that house and fight the need to cry or something?
He could’ve not told me. He could’ve left and kept the entire thing to himself.
But is that what I want, really?
“Here.”
I push back as a taller body opens the cupboard for me. Cole smiles down at me as I retrieve the bottle of juice.
“Thanks.” I take it, then steal one last glance at the Knights’ house.
Will we meet on holidays now? Or will he cut off any relationship he has with Lewis – and, therefore, this place?
Lewis is my father. Uncle Lewis is my…father.
I shut down that idea before I can focus on it.
“He’s probably watching,” Cole says.
“W-what? Who?”
He leans against the counter and crosses his legs at the ankles. After Xander, Cole is probably the most attractive of the horsemen. His beauty is that calm, refined type. The kind that can belong to a handsome professor or a hotshot CEO.
His green eyes are dark and he gives off a composed façade – façade, because from what Elsa says and what I’ve noticed, Cole runs a lot deeper than what meets the eyes. While he’s kind and doesn’t talk much, he seems to know everything, and he has moments where he completely changes – like when he smirked as Silver ran away to hide her fear.
No good person would enjoy that. I’m not even close to Silver anymore and even I didn’t like seeing her that way.
He’s her stepbrother. He’s supposed to care more, not take pleasure in it.
“He can’t stop watching. It’s an impulse. He used to control it better in the past, but the alcohol is screwing up his judgement,” he continues in his neutral tone. “Xander, I mean.”
“Is his drinking issue bad?”
“Bad? He’s becoming an alcoholic.”
I swallow, my fingers shaking around the bottle. “Maybe it’s better he leaves then.”
“Better?” Cole’s eyes light up as if he’s a dog who found a bone. “So that means you’ve thought of another option to the situation.”
“Y-you know?”
He nods. “So does Aiden.”
Oh. That must be why Aiden said he might have information that explains Xander’s hatred. It was around the time he started getting involved with Elsa, but he never told me anything.
“Since when?” I ask Cole. “Why the hell did he tell you but not me?”
“He didn’t tell me. I connected the dots myself. He did tell Aiden, though, when he was drunk and vomiting his gut. He was complaining about how close you got to Knox after he beat him up.”
“Xander did that?” I release the bottle and it falls on the counter with a thud.
Knox, Teal’s twin, had come to school with his face beaten up and Elsa was dead sure Aiden had done it because he was jealous of him. I never imagined it was Xander. Although I should’ve suspected it since he snarled in my face to stay the fuck away from ‘the new boy’.
I would’ve laughed if it were under different circumstances.
But all of that doesn’t matter now.
It’s done, finished, over.
“About that second option,” Cole repeats. “What did you have in mind?”
“N-nothing.” I swallow. “How can there be a second option in our situation?”
“I see.” He appears thoughtful for a bit. “But before you close all doors, remember, the impossible is nothing if you decide it isn’t.”
He reaches the threshold, then glances over his shoulder. “Oh, and he leaves tomorrow.”
