Another week passes in a blur.
Time is strange. One moment, it’s long and excruciating and the next, it’s so fast you can’t savour it.
When my therapist asks why I think I feel like it’s moving fast now, I don’t even hesitate to answer.
It’s because I have the most important people with me, and it frightens me that I’m not savouring my time with them enough.
While Mum and I still don’t address each other whenever we meet by accident in the house, everything else is different.
Dad never went back to Brussels and has taken a long leave; he’s putting in his papers to ask for a transfer to London. When I told him I was fine, he said he wasn’t, and I might have hugged him to death.
There’s also Elsa, who’s been listening to my jumbled thoughts and things I didn’t like to admit out loud, like how I hid because I thought she’d leave me the same way all those I considered friends did.
She said I’m stuck with her for life.
I also have my little happy pill, Kirian. He’s been writing poems for me. One of them says:
I don’t say this a lot.
Because I’m a big man.
Love you.
Now.
Tomorrow.
Forever.
He also took my hand and made me eat with him – small bites instead of large ones so I don’t end up in the toilet.
Lewis visited, too, and I crossed paths with him in the Knights’ household. He didn’t address our biological relationship, but he told me he’s there for me if I need him.
But above anyone else, there’s this person who’s now hugging me from behind as I snuggle between his legs. The one who kisses my body from top to bottom and tells me I’m the most exquisite thing he’s ever seen.
I’m beginning to believe him, too, because even if words can lie, the look in his eyes can’t. The way his body reacts to me, the way he hugs me definitely can’t either.
He’s just that person, the one you know you can close your eyes with and when you wake up, he’ll be there.
We’ve been going to the places where we played as kids. We’ve visited every park and every shop and goofed around with scarfs and pistachio gelato and M&M’s. I might have eaten my weight in them by now.
Being with Xander is like finally finding a missing piece of myself and slowly sewing it back in place.
I’m still trying to have him quit drinking and fighting, though. The fights have become sparse since I keep him ‘busy’ – his words, not mine. But he still sneaks alcohol into his juice and coffee. He still wakes up in the middle of the night to drink on the balcony.
Every time he returns and hugs me from behind, I bite my tongue to not start a fight.
I can’t lose him now that I’ve found him, and the alcohol is slowly but surely taking him away from me.
“Just so you know, I would rather have you underneath me right now.” His breath dances on the shell of my ear as he speaks. “Or above me. I’m not picky as long as I’m inside you.”
My face heats and I discreetly elbow him. “Stop it.”
“Or we can leave.”
“No, we agreed to this.”
“We can always change our minds.”
I shake my head. Did I mention he always tries to get what he wants whichever way he sees fit?
We agreed to watch the game with everyone else in Aiden’s house. We kind of interrupted this habit after he got together with Elsa for the same reason Xander now wants to leave. Aiden is so possessive about Elsa and her time, he doesn’t like other people around when they’re together.
Elsa said he only approved of this night because he’s having her do something later as payment for it.
Even now, he has her on his lap and his hand wrapped around her waist. He’s not watching the game. Instead, he keeps whispering things in her ear that sometimes make her blush something fierce. But most of the time, she’s an expert at keeping an indifferent expression.
Unlike me.
Ronan, Knox, Teal, and Cole are here, too. And I still can’t look the latter in the eyes without feeling flustered. I can’t get over the fact that he heard me and Xander the other time at school.
Ronan and Knox are standing and fighting like die-hard fans – for different teams. Ronan – and everyone else here – cheers for Arsenal, and Knox prefers Chelsea.
Knox doesn’t seem to be scared about being outnumbered as he threatens to end Ronan’s life.
“You’re going down, Astor.” Knox makes a motion of slicing his throat.
“Stop acting like a certain goth and admit that we’re stronger than you.”
Teal, who the jab is directed to, doesn’t even look up from her phone. Her T-shirt for the day reads, Nope. Not Today.
She’s sitting beside Cole, who’s leaning his head against his hand and watching the game with a neutral expression.
Now and then, he tells Teal something that she answers with a simple nod and no words.
Teal doesn’t care for football or the school’s hierarchy, so she can’t be here because she’s delighted by the horsemen’s company. If anything, I think she secretly dislikes all of them – except for Cole, because she speaks to him sometimes and doesn’t give him that ‘why are you talking to me’ look.
She must’ve tagged along because of Elsa and Knox. While she doesn’t show it, she’s a bit attached to them.
“Just admit it.” Knox jabs Ronan’s shoulder. “We’re stronger than you.”
“Someone should take away your delusional pills because last I checked, we’re winning.”
“We’ll turn the game.”
“And we’ll score one more and win.”
“It’s definitely your weed speaking, Astor.”
“Mais non. It’s your delusional pills.” Ronan’s gaze meets mine. “Isn’t that right, Kimmy?”
Xander motions at him with a dismissive finger. “Finish your game and don’t address her until the end of your life.”
I smile to myself. Someone is jealous. No idea why that makes me so giddy.
“Are you sure you won’t change your mind and marry me?” Ronan counts on his fingers. “I have a title, I’m rich, beautiful and don’t care about wars. I’m like the Switzerland of this world.”
Teal scoffs and says in a mocking tone, “That must be why you’re called Death.”
Cole’s lips lift in a smirk.
“What was that, ma belle?” Ronan grins with no humour.
“She’s calling you Death.” Cole is still leaning on his hand as he stares between Teal and Ronan. “Maybe you should prove it.”
“Yes, prove it,” Aiden speaks for the first time tonight, finally lifting his head from Elsa’s ear.
“We can think of ways.” Cole proposes.
“Or we can make them.” Aiden raises an eyebrow.
“I might have a suggestion.”
“Or two.”
“We can start right now.”
“Yes, let’s make this night a bit more fun.” The smirk on Aiden’s face shines with pure sadism.
Cole, however, remains serene. Unaffected even.
The most boggling thing is that during that back and forth, Aiden and Cole never looked at each other or exchanged glances. They were plotting mayhem without any prior plan.
Talk about team play. Or maybe it’s more than that between those two.
“I agree.” Xan’s voice comes from behind me with mischievousness.
“What are you doing?” I whisper.
“Making Ronan pay by throwing him in front of those two.” He brushes a kiss against the lobe of my ear. “Watch and learn, Green.”
Ronan flips off Xander, who returns it with a huge grin, as if he’s been waiting for this his entire life.
“Being Death is cool.” Knox wraps an arm around Ronan’s shoulder, instantly forgetting about their team-level disagreement. “Everyone is afraid of you on the field.”
“Thank you, Van Doren!” Ronan squeezes him in a bro clutch. “I’m promoting you to my closest friend and firing all these fuckers.”
“I never agreed to being fired,” Cole says.
“You mean you were my friend?” Aiden scratches his chin. “I don’t remember that.”
Cole snaps his fingers as if he recalls something crucial. “But we do remember what you did last week when –”
“Don’t make me go Death all over you, Captain.” Ronan is smiling, but his usual playfulness and warmth are gone.
“Fine.” Cole sighs. “Then let’s play a game.”
“I love games,” Aiden encourages.
“Me, too,” Xander chimes in, but his finger continues caressing my skin underneath my top in a sensual rhythm.
“Bah, merde.” Ronan flops to the sofa opposite everyone else and diagonally from us. “What game?”
“Something simple like…” Cole’s gaze strays to Teal, who remains focused on her phone. “Truth or Dare.”
“Let’s make it more interesting by only doing dares,” Aiden suggests.
Elsa rolls her eyes. “Why am I not surprised you want that?”
“Because I’m going to win and make you do that dare, sweetheart.”
“In your dreams, Aiden.”
“We’ll see about that.” He stares at her for a beat too long. It’s as if he forgets everyone else is here, just like I do when I focus on Xan’s warmth behind my back and his finger wrenching tiny bursts of pleasure from within me.
“Now, where were we?” Aiden addresses everyone else. “Right, dares. Let’s do that.”
“Teal loves dares.” Knox rubs his hands together.
“She does, huh?” Ronan smiles genuinely for the first time since they started ganging up on him.
“Oh.” Cole’s eyes ignite. “That’s a surprise.”
Lie. He knew it all along and is now pretending like he didn’t plot it from the beginning with Aiden.
And Xan’s knowing help.
“She does. They’re her favourite.” Knox falls down beside her. “Aren’t they, T?”
“Shut up, Knox,” she hisses at him without breaking eye contact with her device.
“Why not? The more the merrier, sis.”
“Not interested.” Teal chances a glance at Elsa, but Aiden has already gone back to whispering in her ear, so she might as well not be here.
“Come on. Surely you can give it a go?” Cole asks in a persuasive, gentle tone that I’m certain resembles the devil’s when he’s luring people to sin.
“Afraid of losing, ma belle?” Ronan winks.
“Never.” She meets his gaze for a beat too long, then focuses on the phone again.
“Leave her alone,” I say. I won’t stay still as they corner her.
Teal peeks at me for a second, silently relaying her thanks and I nod at her.
“Stay out of it, Green,” Xander whispers in my ear, eliciting goosebumps on my skin.
I glare at him. “No, I won’t stay –”
My words die in my throat when his other hand snakes between my legs. Even though I’m wearing jeans, all he has to do is touch my nub and I’ll moan.
Shit.
“Now,” Xan murmurs. “How about that alone time?”
“You’re not fair.” I clamp my thighs together so no one sees me. That only increases the pressure and my breathing.
“You know what’s not fair, Green?” he speaks against my ear, causing me to shiver. “Wanting you and not being able to do something about it. I’m done with that phase.”
He pulls me further against him and the bulge of his cock rests hard and thick at the small of my back.
I bite the corner of my lip so I don’t groan aloud. I don’t think I can keep my reaction bottled any longer.
Everyone else is busy with Ronan and I’m not hearing them, but anyone can look in our direction and notice Xan’s hand between my legs.
Like Cole.
I’ll die of embarrassment if he catches us again.
“Fine.” I jerk up to a standing position, interrupting the conversation.
Knox and Ronan give me a quizzical reaction, but Aiden and Cole exchange a sly glance.
Please don’t tell me it’s written all over my face.
“We’re leaving.” Xander wraps an arm around the small of my back, a victorious smile on his face. “Kim wants to sleep early.”
“Tuck her in safely,” Cole says.
Aiden lips twitch in a smirk. “After all, you just won your case against the court of human rights law.”
“Screw you, King.” Xander flips him off.
“Wait.” Elsa wiggles from Aiden’s lap, even though he doesn’t want to let her go.
She reaches me in a few steps. “I thought we’d spend time together tonight. I’ll watch K-dramas with you?”
“That’s the first time you haven’t called them soap operas.” I grin.
“You know what they say, it takes practice.” She pauses. “So? Are we going to spend girls’ night together?”
“I vote against that,” Aiden says.
“Me, too.” Xander pins me to his side. “Later.”
Elsa and I exchange an apologetic glance before Xander practically drags me with him out of Aiden’s house.
As soon as we’re outside, he removes his jacket and drapes it around my shoulders, nodding with satisfaction as it swallows me. “Now, you won’t be cold.”
I hit his shoulder.
“Ouch. What was that for, Green?”
“What was all that about? This is supposed to be a night with friends.”
“Friends are overrated.”
“Now, you’re being cynical.”
He hugs me by my waist and connects his forehead against mine. “I just want to be with you, Green. Not them. I hate anything that distracts me from you.”
Damn.
How can I stay mad after he says things like that? Besides, it was just an excuse. A huge part of me wants to spend alone time with him, too.
He grins. “You just forgave me, didn’t you?”
“Don’t be so full of yourself.”
“Only if I get to fill you.” He brushes his nose against mine. “Told you, I’m not hard to satisfy.”
“You’re just so persistent and annoying about it.”
“Annoying, yes. Why is that news? You always called me annoying when we were kids. But” — he lifts a finger — “you always came back to my side.”
“That I did.”
“Because you can’t resist me.”
“Stop being so arrogant or I’ll kick you.”
“Come on, Green. Arrogance is kind of my image.”
“Even with me?”
“Especially with you. What if you leave me after I shed the image?”
“Not going to happen. Besides, you were always an arrogant, proud arsehole.” And it’s probably why he’s refusing Lewis’s help about the addiction. He doesn’t want to appear weak in front of someone he believes ruined his life years ago.
“Proud arsehole, you say?”
“The worst,” I joke.
“Have you seen my friends? I’m sure I score low on the arsehole scale compared to them.”
“Ro does.”
“Ronan. His name is Ronan. And believe me, he’s not what he seems. He likes to think he’s Switzerland when he’s in fact an imperialist power.”
“Really?”
“He’s Death, after all.”
“And you’re War.”
“Easy to start and hard to end.” He grins. “Remember that, Green. Actually, make it impossible to end.”
For some reason, my heart thumps so loudly, I actually stop breathing for a second to come to terms with what he’s said.
Impossible to end.
He doesn’t want it to end.
“You weren’t easy to start, Xan.”
“Yes, I was. You always fantasised about me, remember?”
“And you about me.”
“Guilty as charged.”
“Wait, what did Aiden mean by you winning the case in the human rights court of law?”
He thins his lips but remains silent.
“What is it?”
“Nothing.”
“Tell me.”
“No.”
I poke his side. “Xander Edward Knight, since when do you hide things from me?”
His lips move in a sly smirk. “I love it when you call me by my third name. You sound hot.”
“You’re not changing the subject.”
“Bossy, too. Hmm. Now, I want to fuck it out of you.”
“Xan! Stop deflecting and tell me.”
“Fine. It’s Aiden being the usual fucker.”
“For what reason?”
“He knew I was a virgin and never let me live it down.”
I burst in laughter. “So he called the case a human rights one?”
“Stop laughing.” He scowls, pulling me closer into him.
“Sorry, I can’t. It’s so funny.” I try to hold it in but laugh anyway.
“Let’s see if you’ll be laughing when I fuck you until you can’t move tonight.”
My thighs tighten at the promise, but I say. “Back to being arrogant, aren’t we?”
“You still like me.”
“Maybe.” I pretend to look elsewhere.
He grips my chin between his thumb and forefinger, forcing me to stare at those eyes that are so deep, I feel like I’ll never find a way out of them sometimes.
“Say it, Green.” There’s a certain edge in his tone, as if he’ll take things to a different level if I don’t comply.
I wiggle free from his hold and sprint down the street to our houses, calling behind me, “Catch me and I might tell you.”
I might not be an athlete, but I always did decent at running, I mean decent enough to run ahead from him and reach the house before he catches me.
I’m panting after only a few seconds. Thank God the distance is short. My hair sticks to my temples and my clothes are glued to my back.
But I’m already near my front door. I’ll –
Strong arms wrap around me from behind and lift me off the ground. I squeal as his warmth and mint scent envelop me whole.
“Got you, Green.” He nibbles at my ear. “You really thought you could outrun me?”
“Ugh,” I try to squirm free.
“Don’t be a sore loser. Pay up.”
“Fine. Let me down.”
He does, but he keeps an arm around me as if he doesn’t trust me not to try to run again. While I pant, his chest barely rises and falls with the effort.
“Are you a robot?” I groan.
“We need to work on your stamina.” He ruffles my hair. “But first, payment.”
I grab him by the T-shirt, get on tiptoe and kiss him. Just a peck before I pull away.
“That was the appetiser, right?” He runs his forefinger over his lips and I’m transfixed by the sensual movement.
Definitely an appetiser, considering all I can think about right now is kissing his lips until the morning.
“Let’s go to my house,” he says. “Dad won’t be home for a while.”
I fold my arms. “First, give me back my thing.”
“Your thing?”
“My bracelet.” I extend my hand. “Give it back.”
I thought I lost it somewhere that night I was transported to the hospital, but it wasn’t in my personal belongings. There’s only one option as to where it went.
Xander raises an eyebrow. “And here I thought you forgot about it.”
“Never. It’s been with me for seven years, after all.”
He reaches into his jeans and pulls out the bracelet. It’s clean, not soaked with blood like the last time I saw it.
I’m so glad it isn’t. Blood isn’t something I want to see for some time.
Xander takes my scarred wrist in his. Although I removed the stitches, it’s still ugly with long marks. He lifts it to his face and brushes his lips against them. My heart flutters and it takes effort to breathe.
I’m a mess every time he does things like that.
Then he clasps the bracelet around my wrist. “Don’t ever remove it.”
I nod.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a pack of M&M’s, digs into it, and places a green one in front of my mouth. “Open up.”
“I can eat on my own.” I try to snatch the pack, but he keeps it high over my head. “Ugh. You’re unfair.”
“We can stand here all night or you can open that mouth.”
I huff, but I let my lips fall open. The moment he places the M&M inside, I lick his fingers, causing his eyes to darken. Xander’s eyes spark every time I brush my tongue against his skin.
“You’re killing me, Green.”
“Mmmm.” I grab the pack from him, take out a blue M&M, and place it in his mouth. “Have one, too.”
While I brush my lips against his fingers, Xander swallows mine into his hot mouth, lapping them with his tongue. A flash of desire grips me, and it takes everything in me to speak in a semi-normal tone. “You never told me your favourite flavour.”
He speaks around my fingers, “You.”
Holy…
If he keeps saying things like that, I’m going to climb him in public.
“Now.” He flashes me his dimples. “About that redo.”
I’m about to kiss him when a presence cuts into our peripheral vision. I stagger backwards but don’t leave Xander’s embrace.
My mouth gapes.
The blonde hair, the elegant posture. It’s almost like seeing a ghost.
Xander’s entire body tightens as she smiles. “Hello, Xan.”
