Liliana
I nervously paced the kitchen. What took Aria so long? I didn’t even want to know what she was saying to Romero. What if she convinced him to break things off with me? She’d promised not to do something like that but I wasn’t sure. If she thought she had to protect me from harm, she’d play dirty if she had to.
The door opened and Romero stepped in. He looked almost relaxed. I hurried toward him. “What did she say?”
“That we should be careful.”
“That’s all? She’s not going to tell Luca about it?”
“No, not right now.”
“What does that mean?”
A slow smile curled his lips. “There might be a way for us to be together.”
“You mean officially?” I asked excitedly.
“Yes, but first Aria needs to figure out a way to talk to Luca, and then we’ll go from there.”
I tried to hold back my joy, but it was difficult. I wanted nothing more than a real future with Romero.
I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him, but after only a few seconds Romero pulled back with a pained look. “We need to be more careful. Aria will rip my head off if she catches us kissing out in the open like that again.”
“Probably not only your head,” I said with a wicked grin, cupping him through his pants.
Romero groaned, gripped my wrist and pulled my hand away. “Lily, stop torturing me.”
“I thought you like it when I torture you.”
Romero leaned down, his lips brushing my ear. “I do, when we are alone.”
“Then how about we head to my room?”
“There’s nothing I’d rather do, but we shouldn’t risk it during the day,” Romero said regretfully. “And I really need to call Luca and ask about the problem with the Russian underboss.”
I pouted playfully. “I hate it when you’re being reasonable. Tonight is too far away. I want you now.”
“Fuck,” Romero muttered. Then he gave me a dangerous grin. “Go ahead. I’ll come after you in a few minutes.”
I dashed off toward my room, already feeling my core tighten with anticipation.
***
The next day, Luca returned from New York. He was on edge, so our confession would have to wait. During dinner that evening, Aria, Romero and I acted as if nothing had ever happened. I really hoped Aria would figure out a way to talk to Luca soon so we could all find a way to make a future for Romero and me possible.
Gianna kept chancing look at Aria and me as if she could smell that something was going on. Gianna had always been drawn to trouble so it was really no surprise.
Halfway through the main course, Luca’s phone started buzzing. “What now?” he growled as he dropped his fork. Today definitely wasn’t the day to tell him about Romero and me. I hadn’t seen him in such a bad mood in a while. He got up, pulled the phone out of his pants pocket and answered it.
“Rocco, I didn’t expect your call,” he said.
We all turned toward the conversation.
Luca glanced in my direction. “Liliana is doing well.”
My Father had only called once the entire summer to ask how I was. For some reason I worried about the true reasons for his check-in.
“Tomorrow? That’s short-notice. Has something happened?”
I put my fork down, my stomach tightening with anxiety.
“Of course. She’ll be there,” Luca said with a frown. He hung up and returned to the table, lowering his large frame into the chair.
“What’s going on?” Aria asked before I could even utter a word. She looked as worried as I felt. Did she think Father had found out something about Romero and me? If that were the case, the call wouldn’t have gone over so peacefully, that much was sure. And who should have told them? Nobody in this house would.
“Your father wants Liliana to come home tomorrow,” Luca said thoughtfully.
“What?” I said, shocked. Romero didn’t quite manage to hide his surprise either. I had to force myself to tear my gaze away from him quickly before Luca got suspicious. “That soon?”
Matteo laughed. “You’ve been here for three months.”
Gianna rammed her elbow into his side and he rubbed the spot with a smirk.
“I was joking, damn it. Why do you have to be so violent?” he asked.
I wasn’t in the mood for jokes. I felt like the rug had been pulled out under my feet. I’d always known I’d have to return eventually but now that I was being faced with my Father’s order, I felt heartbroken.
“He wants you on the earliest flight. He booked the ticket already,” Luca continued as if his brother and Gianna weren’t still bickering.
“Did he say why?” I asked.
“He said something about social responsibilities. Apparently there are a few parties he wants you to attend, but he wasn’t very forthcoming with information.”
My eyes darted to Romero again, but then I focused on Luca. “Did he say how long I had to stay in Chicago?”
Luca narrowed his eyes. “No. Chicago is your home, so I had no right to ask.”
“Lily is of age, she could simply refuse to return,” Gianna said matter-of-factly. Matteo had his arm wrapped around her shoulder. As usual their fighting hadn’t lasted very long. They’d probably soon go to their room to make up.
“Then I’d drag her into that plane if necessary. If her father wants her to come home, she’ll go. I won’t risk a conflict over something as ridiculous as this.”
I bit my lip. “It’s okay. I’ll go. I’ll survive a few parties, and I’m excited about seeing Fabi again. I missed him. I’ll plead Father to let me return to New York as soon as possible.”
I didn’t talk for the rest of dinner and was glad when I could finally get up. It was ridiculous of me to be so nervous about going home; because despite everything Chicago was still supposed to be my home. I headed out toward the terrace and wrapped my arms around myself, feeling inexplicably cold even though it was still warm.
The door slid open behind me again and Aria walked up beside me, giving me an understanding smile. “I’ll call Father and ask him to send you back for another visit soon. It’s not like he needs you in Chicago. You’ll be back before you know it.”
“You’re probably glad I’ll be gone because that means I can’t see Romero for a while,” I snapped. I felt instantly bad for lashing out at my sister. Closing my eyes, I said, “Sorry.”
Aria touched my shoulder lightly. “Don’t worry. And I really don’t want you to leave, please believe me.”
I nodded. “I’ve gotten used to life here. I’ve been happy. I don’t even remember the last time I was happy in Chicago.”
“This is only a temporary thing. You’ll be back here in no time, and while you’re in Chicago I’ll talk to Luca about Romero. Maybe when you’re back we’ve made a plan on how to convince Father to accept Romero as your husband.”
Hope flared up in me. I looked at my sister. “You’re right. I should see it as a short vacation. Maybe soon I’ll be able to call New York my home for good.”
We didn’t say anything after that, only stood beside each other and watched the boisterous ocean. What I really wanted to do was talk to Romero, be in his arms and convince myself that this thing between us was meant to last, but it was way too early to retire to bed and we couldn’t risk anything with everyone still awake.
When the breeze picked up, Aria and I returned into the living room. Romero caught my eyes from across the room. I couldn’t wait to be alone with him tonight, to feel his body sliding against mine. I’d never needed him more.
***
Earlier than usual I crept out of my room and headed for Romero’s. I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. He didn’t look surprised when I slipped in.
He was sitting on the edge of his bed, arms braced on his knees. He pushed to his feet when I closed the door. For a while we only stared at each other until the pressure in my chest threatened to crush my ribcage. Why was I being so emotional about this? Romero crossed the room and gripped me by the hips, then he turned us around and led me backwards toward the bed until my calves bumped against it and we both fell back on the mattress.
Our hands roamed each other’s bodies almost frantically, undressing and caressing. Who knew when we’d get the chance to feel each other again? It could be weeks. Too long. We needed to make the best of our last night together.
Tonight I wanted to be in control. I pushed Romero onto his back and he didn’t resist. I straddled his hips and lowered myself onto his erection, feeling it slide into me all the way. I closed my eyes for a moment, releasing a low breath at the familiar feeling of fullness. Romero gripped my hips and started pushing upwards, driving himself deeply into me. I leaned forward onto my forearms so my face was above his and my hair surrounded us like a curtain, our own personal sanctuary from the outside world. “I’m going to miss you,” I whispered as I rocked back and forth. “I’m going to miss this, everything.”
“You won’t be gone long,” he growled.
He sounded absolutely sure. I kissed him, moving even faster until we both came at the same time, but we weren’t sated yet. We made love two more times that night as if we could stamp the sensations of our togetherness into our mind that way.
“I don’t want to leave,” I murmured afterwards as I lay in Romero’s arms. “I want to fall asleep in your arms.”
Romero reached for his alarm clock. “Then don’t. We’ll get up early so you can sneak back to your room without anyone noticing.”
I smiled, and rested my cheek against his chest. It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep with the sound of Romero’s heartbeat like music in my ear.
***
The alarm woke us before sunrise and I quickly gathered my clothes in the dark room. Before I left, Romero pulled me against his chest and kissed me fiercely, then I slipped out and rushed back to my room. I caught a couple of hours of sleep before I really got up and prepared everything for my drive to the airport.
The hardest part about leaving was that I couldn’t hug or kiss Romero when we said goodbye in the airport waiting hall. With a last glance, I walked away, trying to ignore the insistent worry that I wouldn’t return.
***
When I landed in Chicago, my old bodyguard Mario was waiting for me. He wasn’t the most talkative person so we didn’t speak during the drive to my family home.
As I stepped up to the entrance door, my heart pounded in my chest like a drum. The last time I’d been here, the house had brimmed with sadness and death.
Mario opened the door for me and I stepped in. It wasn’t as bad as it used to be but I definitely didn’t feel at home here anymore. Was it my imagination or did the stench of disinfectant still linger in the corners?
“Where’s my father?” I asked quickly before my mind conjured up more craziness.
“In his office. He wants to see you right away.”
I doubted the reason for that was that he’d missed me. Mario headed off to take my luggage up to my room. I walked down the long corridor and knocked at Father’s door, trying to ignore the way my stomach twisted with nerves.
“Come in,” Father called.
I took a deep breath and slipped in. Fabi stood near the window. He had grown in the three months that I’d been gone and something about the way he held himself told me that wasn’t the only change in him. The last few months seemed to have taken a toll on him. It would have been better if Fabi had been allowed to go to Chicago with me for the summer, but naturally that had been out of the question.
Father sat behind his desk as usual. He didn’t bother getting up to hug me. But Fabi walked up to me and I wrapped my arms around him before he could decide he was too cool for affection. He was taller than me. I leaned back to take a look at his face.
I knew something was wrong the moment I saw Fabi’s expression. Recently Father had involved him more and more in the mob business, even though Fabi wouldn’t turn 13 for several more weeks. Had something happened? He couldn’t have been forced to kill someone already, right? The idea that my little brother might already be a killer turned my stomach into an icy pit.
“Sit,” Father said with a nod toward the armchair in front of his desk. Fabi immediately freed himself of my embrace, but what worried me more was that he made sure to keep his eyes on my chin.
“It’s good to see you back in Chicago. I trust Luca and Aria took good care of you?” Father asked.
No mention of Gianna, which wasn’t a huge surprise.
I sank down on the chair across from him. “Yes, they did. It was lovely.”
I tried to catch Fabi’s gaze; he’d returned to his spot at the window where he was busy avoiding my eyes, his hands balled to fists at his side and his lips a thin white line in his angry face. My stomach tied itself into a knot.
Father tapped his fingers against the smooth wood of the desk. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he looked almost ashamed. Fear gripped me. Again I darted a look at Fabiano but he was glaring at the floor.
The silence stretched between us until I was sure I’d suffocate. “You said to Luca that you wanted me here for a few parties?”
“That’s part of the reason. You need to become part of our social circles again.” Father paused, then he cleared his throat. He looked almost guilty. “Life must go on. Death is part of our existence but we must make sure that our family line stays strong.”
Where was he going with this?
“I’m going to marry again.”
I was torn between relief and shock. At least I wasn’t in trouble but I couldn’t believe, much less understand how he could be considering another marriage when Mother had been death for less than six months. “But—” I stopped myself. Nothing I could say would change a thing. It would only get me in trouble. “Who is she? Do I know her?”
There were a few widows in Father’s age I knew but I wasn’t sure if any of them were his type. Even thinking that made me feel guilty and I wasn’t even the one considering replacing Mother. Maybe Father was lonelier than he’d let on. I’d always thought he and Mother hadn’t cared much for each other but maybe I’d been wrong. Maybe he had loved her in some twisted way. Maybe he hadn’t been able to show it. Some people were like that.
Fabiano let out a low sound, drawing my eyes toward him, but he was still glowering at his feet. Which was probably for the best because Father gave him a look that sent a shiver down my back. I noticed a fading bruise on Fabi’s left temple, and I couldn’t help but wonder if there were more hidden beneath his clothing and if Father was responsible for all of them.
Father’s fingers took up their tapping again. “Ramona Brasci.”
I almost fell forward in my chair. “What?” I blurted. He had to be kidding. Ramona was only one year older than me. She could have been Father’s daughter. She’d gone to school with me, for God’s sake!
I peered at Fabiano again, needing him to tell me this was a joke, but his grimace was all the answer I needed. This was disgusting. Was this some kind of midlife crisis thing on Father’s part? I couldn’t even begin to understand how he could choose someone who could be his daughter.
“In turn,” Father continued evenly. “You are going to marry her Father Benito Brasci.”
And that’s when my whole world shattered. I could see it right before my eyes. All the images of a future with Romero, of happiness and smiles, of sweet kisses and endless nights of lovemaking splintering into tiny pieces, and they were replaced by something horrendous and dark. Something people whispered about in hushed voices because they were worried the horrors might become reality if they spoke about them too loudly. Not in my darkest nightmare had I imagined that Father would marry me off to an old man like Benito Brasci. I didn’t remember much about him, but I didn’t have to. Everything about this was wrong.
I tried to speak but I was mute. I wondered when the first tears would fall. Right now, I still felt too numb.
“You’re condemning Lily to a life of misery,” Fabiano said the words I could only think. He sounded so…old. Like he’d become a man some time when I hadn’t been looking. I wanted to give him a grateful smile but my face was frozen, all of me was. Was this really happening?
This morning I’d still kissed Romero and now I was supposed to marry Brasci.
“I’m making reasonable decisions. You don’t understand it yet, but you will.”
“No. I would never do something like that.”
“You will do worse, believe me, Son.” He sighed. “We all have to make sacrifices. That’s life.”
What kind of sacrifice was it to marry a young woman who could be his daughter? I was supposed to do the sacrificing.
I couldn’t stop wondering when the tears would come but there wasn’t even the trademark prickling yet. There was nothing. I was nothing. Again I tried to call up an image of Benito Brasci, but I came up empty. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t Romero.
“You’ll meet him tomorrow. He and Ramona are coming over for dinner.”
Maybe it could have been funny if it wasn’t so terrible.
“Okay,” I said simply. I sounded collected. Fabiano frowned at me, Father looked immensely pleased. I rose from my chair and crossed the room toward the door. “I’m going to bed. I had a long day.”
“Aren’t you going to join us for dinner?” Father asked, but he didn’t sound like he cared.
“I’m not hungry,” I said calmly.
“Then sleep well. Tomorrow is an exciting day for both of us.”
My hand on the door handle stilled for an instant. A flicker of something, maybe anger, seized my body but then it was gone and I was numb again.
One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. The mantra filled my head as I ascended the staircase. Steps thundered after me and then Fabiano was beside me. He grabbed my arm. He was as tall as me now. He was so grown. These thoughts repeated themselves in my mind. Maybe my brain had been broken by shock, or shut down because the reality of the situation was too much to bear.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Lily?” he growled. His voice wasn’t man yet, but not boy either.
“Wrong?” I asked.
“Yes, wrong,” Fabiano muttered. He released me and I rubbed my arm. He was strong.
Was something wrong with me? Maybe that was the problem. I’d done many wrong things in the past. I’d slept with Romero, even though we weren’t married. Maybe this was punishment for my sins. The pastor in our church would probably have said so.
“Why aren’t you freaking out? Why did you just say okay? Do you even realize what you agreed to?”
I wasn’t aware I’d agreed to anything. How could I have when nobody had ever asked me about my opinion? “Because there is nothing I can do.”
“Bullshit,” Fabi said, stomping his foot. Maybe not as grown up as I thought.
I almost smiled, if my face had been capable of movement. “When did you start swearing so much?”
“All the Made Men do.”
“But you aren’t one of them yet.”
“But soon.”
I nodded. That’s what I’d feared. Father seemed keen on ruining both of our lives.
“And that doesn’t even matter right now. You can’t just accept this marriage. You have to do something.”
“What? What can I do?” I asked with a hint of anger. That brief burst of emotion scared me because I preferred the numbness.
“Something,” Fabiano said quietly, brown eyes pleading with me. “Anything. Don’t just accept it.”
“Then tell me what I can do. You are the future Made Man. Tell me.”
Fabiano averted his gaze, guilt on his face.
I touched his shoulder. “There’s nothing either of us can do.”
“You could run like Gianna,” Fabi burst out.
“She got caught.”
“But you wouldn’t.”
“I would.” I was nothing like Gianna. I wouldn’t even last one month, probably not even a week. I wasn’t a rebel. I didn’t even want to leave this life behind. There was no way I would survive on my own for long.
But maybe I wouldn’t have to be alone. Romero could come with me. He knew how to evade pursuers. Together we could make it.
“You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?” Fabi asked with a boyish grin.
“Remember where your loyalties are,” I whispered. “This is betrayal. If Father finds out, you’re going to be punished harshly.”
“I’m not a Made Man yet.”
“But as good as, you said it yourself. They will judge you as they would a Made Man, and that would mean death.”
“Father needs an heir,” Fabi said.
“Father will soon have a young bride who can give him plenty of children. Maybe he won’t need you after all.”
Fabi made a gagging sound. “It’s like he’s marrying you. It’s sick.”
I couldn’t deny it. “Benito Brasci is older than Father, isn’t he?”
“I don’t know. He looks ancient.”
“I should go up to my room,” I said absent-mindedly. I needed to talk to Romero. Fabi didn’t stop me as I walked up the remaining steps and headed for my room.
When the door closed after me, I feared for a moment that I’d actually burst into tears, but the stopper keeping my emotions in held fast.
I fumbled my mobile out of the bottom of my travel bag and dialed Romero’s number. My hands shook and when Romero didn’t pick up after the first two rings like he usually did, I could feel panic slip through the cracks in my numbness. He didn’t know I’d call, but I couldn’t help but worry that something had happened to him. Or that he’d found out about my engagement to Basci and didn’t want anything to do with me. What if Luca had known all along? It was possible that Father had told him on the phone and Luca hadn’t mentioned it because he knew Aria and Gianna would make a scene.
I was sent to voicemail and quickly hung up. I hadn’t even put the phone away when the screen flashed with Romero’s name. Taking a deep breath, I answered.
“Lily, are you okay? I was in a meeting and had the phone on mute.”
I slumped against the wall at the sound of Romero’s voice. It calmed me but at the same time it made me realize what I could lose if I had to marry Basci. “Father has chosen a husband for me,” I said eventually. I sounded like I was talking about the weather, completely detached.
Silence followed on the other end. I couldn’t even hear breathing. I didn’t dare say anything, although I was bursting with fear and anxiety.
“Who is it?” Romero asked in a low voice. I wished I could see his face to get a hint about his emotions. He sounded as emotionless as I had.
“Benito Basci. You probably don’t know him, but–”
Romero interrupted me. “I know him. I met him during a gathering last year.”
“Oh,” I said, then waited but again Romero was silent. Why was he so calm? Didn’t he care that I was going to marry another man? Maybe this had always been a distraction for him. Maybe he’d never intended for us to have more than…what? An affair? I felt dirty just thinking about it. “He’s much older than me.”
“I know.”
Of course Romero knew but I wasn’t sure what else to say.
“I thought,” I said hesitantly. “I thought we could…”
I didn’t dare utter the words.
“You thought we could what?”
I closed my eyes. “I thought we could run away together.” I cringed when the words had left my mouth. Could I sound any more pathetic and naïve?
“That would mean war between the Outfit and New York.”
He said it matter-of-factly, like it had absolutely nothing to do with him. I hadn’t thought of that but of course that would be the first thing that crossed Romero’s mind. The Famiglia always came first.
I’d been stupid. Mother had always warned me that men promised you the world if they wanted something from you. Romero had been kind and loving, and I’d given him everything in turn. My body, my heart, every little thing I could give. I’d given it gladly and I didn’t want to feel regret over a single thing, but it was hard.
I bit my lip, suddenly on the verge of crying. I could feel the floodgates open. It wouldn’t be long now. “You’re right,” I croaked. “I–” I choked and quickly hung up. Then I hid the phone in my travel bag again and curled up on my bed, letting sobs wrack my body until my muscles hurt, until my throat hurt, until everything hurt, but nothing as much as my heart. Was this it? The end of every dream I had?
