I barely glanced Growl’s way as we headed back to his house. He shot me a look. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I said harshly, then bit my lip. I didn’t know what to do. I needed Growl to be on my side, and my body wanted him, but I was going against everything my mother had taught me by sleeping with him.
Growl’s hands on the steering wheel tightened, the tendons in his forearms flexing.
I focused on the window. My mind was whirring. I knew that I needed Growl if I wanted any chance to help my mother and sister.
I lay awake that night when the door to my room creaked open. I knew why Growl was here, what he wanted, but I was so conflicted.
He came toward the bed, backlit by the light from the corridor. He scanned my face and I only stared at him. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and my eyes traced the lines of his muscles, the way the light accentuated his six-pack. I wanted this man. Seeing him always made my body tingle, no matter how conflicted I was. My gaze lowered to the bulge in Growl’s pants. God, why did I have to want him?
Growl knelt on the bed, but I merely watched. He’d always been the more active part in our sexual life, but usually I’d at least reacted in some way. I could see frustration and confusion in his eyes, then he crawled toward me and hovered over my body. His smell enveloped me. I put my hands against his chest, torn between pushing him away and pulling him closer. Growl made the decision for me. He grabbed my hands and pressed them into the mattress above my head. Then he lowered his head to my breasts and sucked one nipple into his mouth through the silky fabric of my nightgown. I pressed my lips together, trying to keep a moan in. But that seemed to spur Growl on. He moved his head down toward my panties. I knew I’d be in his hands if I let him go there. I struggled but his other hand came down on my hip, holding me fast. When his face was mere inches from my center, he drew in a deep breath. Heat rose into my cheeks like it always did when he did something like that. But despite my embarrassment my body flooded with heat.
Growl licked over my panties and I stilled. My core tightened and my body began to tingle. I struggled even harder but Growl ignored me completely. He nudged my panties to the side with his nose and licked over my bare flesh.
He slid his tongue up and down, firm licks, over and over again. Wetness pooled between my legs. I hated my body for it, for always surrendering to him.
He dipped his tongue into my opening and let out a deep rumble. I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting my body’s reaction, trying to hold in a moan. I wouldn’t give him that satisfaction. But he didn’t stop. He seemed to enjoy every moment of it. Every time he hummed, a stupid part of me was turned on. I still couldn’t believe he liked how I tasted down there, but he obviously did. He moved his tongue higher and licked over my clit. My hips bucked, but this time it wasn’t in an attempt to get away. Growl kept a steady rhythm. I had no chance to resist him. My body was always eager for his touch. He must have felt my surrender because he let go of my hip and brought his hand down between my legs. He used his thumb and forefinger to part me, allowing his tongue even better access. I couldn’t help a loud moan from escaping.
Wrong, my head screamed. But I gave up resistance.
Again my hands found Growl’s head but then he curled his tongue in a way that made me cry out in sensation.
Growl knew he had won. I could practically feel his smugness. His mouth closed over my center, plunging his tongue even deeper into me and my fingers dug into his scalp. My body started shaking, and Growl’s tongue pressed even harder against my clit. My last resistance crumbled as a shockwave rolled over me, rendering me helpless and stunned as I gasped.
I wasn’t sure how long I was like that. I couldn’t move, could hardly breathe, my heart pounding in my chest as I stared into the darkness. Shadows danced in the distant streetlights streaming through the window. Growl pressed another lingering kiss between my legs, then got to his knees.
He leaned over me and kissed my lips. I could taste myself on him, could smell myself. I sucked in a breath. “This is wrong,” I said quietly. Was this betrayal? Being intimate like that with the enemy, with someone like Growl, with a monster, that was wrong on every level I could imagine. He had helped take my father down. He was part of why he was dead now. And yet, here I was, sharing a bed with him and enjoying it.
“Stop overthinking every fucking thing,” he murmured.
“You can’t understand,” I said harshly. For him, sin and guilt and shame weren’t words that mattered.
“Perhaps,” he admitted. “But I understand your body.” He pressed two fingers against my wet center and brought them to his lips. “And your body likes it.”
“You’re disgusting,” I said. I tried to turn away, to get away, but it was close to impossible with his body hovering above me. “Maybe my body reacts to you but I will never feel anything but hatred for you, you monster.” I closed my lips with a snap, unable to believe what I’d said. How could I tell him something like that if I wanted his help?
“I’m a monster, you got that right. Have always been, will always be. I’m good at being a monster. Few people ever find something they’re good at, something they were meant to be,” he said simply. He didn’t sound angry, only resigned.
“That’s crazy. Nobody’s meant to be a killer. Nobody’s meant to be like you. You want to be like that. You said you like blood and pain and death, and you pretending to be born a monster is your excuse to justify the horrors you’ve committed.”
“You’re right. There’s nothing better than the rush of the kill. It’s exhilarating. It’s you against them. It’s all or nothing. Nothing in this world makes one feel more alive than that. I like it. And I don’t give a fuck about justifying anything to anyone. I’d do everything again. I regret nothing.”
I swallowed. “I don’t get it. How does anyone become like that. It can’t all be because of that scar on your throat.”
He got off the bed. “I have many scars and they all made me the man I am today.”
I searched his face for a hint of the humanness I’d seen before, but he looked so other in that moment. “That doesn’t mean it can’t be different. You act so strong and unbeatable but you let your past and your supposed fate dictate your life. Why don’t you fight for a better future?”
“For me there’s no future.”
“But there could be,” I whispered.
Growl searched my face again. There was longing. He wanted more out of this life, even if he couldn’t admit it to himself yet. He left without another word and I lie awake, staring into the darkness.
I was too agitated to sleep and so I got up eventually. For some reason I needed to be close to Growl now.
It was silent inside the house when I stepped into the corridor. My slow breath felt like an intruder of the quiet. I headed toward Growl’s bedroom but the door was open and he wasn’t inside.
Where was he? I crept through the darkness when my eyes registered a dim light spilling into the house from the backyard. I tried to move soundlessly as I approached the terrace door. Growl sat at the small shabby table. A half-burnt-down candle on a saucer hardly broke through the night but managed to cast eerie shadows across his face. The dogs were stretched out at his feet. They didn’t react. Either they hadn’t noticed me, which didn’t really qualify them as guard dogs, or they’d deemed me too uninteresting for a reaction. Growl looked lonely. In the short time I knew him I’d learned to read his expressions better, but I still didn’t understand him.
He sought out my closeness, was trying to treat me right, even though he’d never learned how. Had anyone ever treated him right? Except for his mother perhaps. I considered returning to my bedroom but something kept me rooted to the spot.
“I know you’re there,” Growl said quietly.
I walked toward him hesitantly. He looked tired. “You should be sleeping,” he said.
“You too.”
“I can’t,” he admitted.
“Me neither.”
We looked at each other. “Can I stay?”
Growl nodded. I took a step toward the free chair, then changed my mind and headed for Growl. His brows crinkled as he watched me. I crawled on his lap and put my head down on his shoulder. He let out a low breath but didn’t do anything else.
He was warm and strong. I drew in his scent. It didn’t take long before my eyes felt heavy. When I was almost asleep, I felt Growl’s fingers glide over my hair. Up and down. And then I drifted off.
I was back in my bed when I woke the next morning, and Growl was back to being his usual distant self when I entered the kitchen and grabbed the cup of coffee waiting for me.
“I will show you where they buried your father,” Growl said without warning.
I froze. My throat tightened with emotions and most of my anger drained out of me. “You will?” My voice was shaky.
Growl nodded, eyes almost kind. “You should get the chance to say goodbye. If it’ll make things easier.”
I wasn’t sure if that was true, but I was grateful anyway. His acts of kindness still surprised me. I wasn’t sure what to make of the man in front of me. “Did you get the chance to say goodbye to your mother?”
Growl’s expression became even more guarded. “I saw her die, and that’s when I said goodbye. After that, they cut my throat, and I had to fight for my life.”
I flushed. Of course. He’d been a small boy who’d suffered horribly. It was hard to imagine Growl as anything but the powerful and cruel man in front of me. That he had once been an innocent boy was easy to forget.
I changed the subject. “When will you show me?”
“As soon as you’re done with your coffee.” He emptied his own cup and set it back down on the counter. I took two long swallows that burned my tongue and throat, then nodded. “I’m ready.”
We drove for a long time until the flashy lights and crowded streets of Las Vegas lay far behind us. The landscape got rougher, and fewer and fewer signs of civilization were visible. Rocks rose up beside the street, glowing red and orange in the afternoon sun. The valley of fire. I’d only driven through it once before and that had been in the evening when the power of the colors wasn’t visible anymore.
Despite having lived in Las Vegas all my life, I’d seldom explored its surroundings. My family had never been the kind to do road trips. Our vacations had been to Aspen, Mexico or the Bahamas. My chest tightened sharply at the memories of our last ski trip to Aspen last February. Even Father had allowed himself enough free time to ski with us, and in the evening we’d all gathered in front of the roaring fire in our ski lodge.
Suddenly I couldn’t appreciate the sparse landscape anymore. This road trip was one of goodbye. I’d never spent a vacation with my whole family again, never see my father struggle to keep the fire burning in the fire place, letting out curses while mother reprimanded him for it. I wasn’t even sure if I’d ever see my sister again, and if something happened to her, neither Mother nor I would be able to live with it.
I had to force myself to keep breathing, despite the tightness of my throat. Growl peered at me but I ignored him. I didn’t want to talk to him. My emotions were a whirlwind, I could hardly understand. I doubted he’d be able to and I worried that he’d try to talk me out of visiting my father’s grave after all.
Eventually he pulled the car off the asphalted street and drove along a dirt road. Our wheels swirled up red dust that settled in a thick layer on the windows. Growl tried to get the dust off the windows with the windshield wipers, but in vain. The vibration of the car as we drove over bumps and smaller rocks made me feel sick, and I closed my eyes. I wasn’t so sure if this was a good idea after all. But now it was too late to turn back without having to explain myself to Growl. I didn’t want to appear weak.
The car came to a halt and I looked outside. We were in the middle of nowhere. There wasn’t even a dirt road anymore. There was absolutely nothing.
“It’s here,” Growl said matter-of-factly. He looked at me as if he was waiting for some kind of response, but there were no words in me at the moment. I nodded merely to show him I’d understood. He opened the door and got out. I took a deep breath and pressed my flat palm against my stomach, hoping to calm myself. No chance.
I got out of the car and the heat slammed into me like a fist. How could anything survive out here? My eyes searched the horizon for any sign of civilization but we were the only people around.
“Come. It’s too hot out here to stand around.”
He stalked off, not even checking if I was following. Of course he didn’t have to be worried that I’d run away. There was nothing to run to out here. I’d die of thirst or heat before I found another person. But I realized then that he had been less cautious in general around me recently. He began to trust me.
As I followed Growl through the sand, another thought suddenly struck me. What if Growl had grown tired of me and decided to dispose of me out in the desert? Perhaps I’d asked too many question, gotten too close for comfort? I wouldn’t survive long out here if he abandoned me. He didn’t even need to kill me, the desert would.
I shook my head. My imagination was running wild. Growl had no reason to get rid of me. He enjoyed my company, even if he tried to hide the face.
Growl led me to a spot surrounded by a few dried bushes. There was no hint of a grave. “He’s there.” He pointed at the dusty ground.
I crouched beside the spot and lay my palm flat against the sand. My eyes prickled but I didn’t cry. “I really thought you’d fed him to the dogs.”
Growl frowned. “That’s not how you should treat the dead.”
I let out a laugh. “Really? You don’t mind killing and hurting people, but you care about their corpses.”
“Death was their punishment. There’s no sense in defiling their bodies.”
“I know Falcone’s done it before. Father told Mother about it, and she even asked me about it when I visited her. I even heard rumors that he fed bodies to his fight dogs, and made the families watch.”
“I don’t always agree with what Falcone does.”
That was at least something, I supposed. “Have you ever seen him do something like that?”
Growl nodded. “Once. But the family didn’t have to watch. Falcone knows I don’t care for useless violence so he usually doesn’t ask me to stay to watch.”
I lowered my eyes back to the ground. It was hard to imagine that my father was below me. Father had known the risks of his job, had earned a lot of money with it, and probably been responsible for several people’s demise, but he hadn’t deserved this. I wished he were here, so I could have long talk with him. I couldn’t remember when we had our last. Too long ago. “When you came to our house, did you think you were supposed to kill my father?” I wasn’t sure why it mattered. I knew Growl was a killer and that he wouldn’t have hesitated pulling the trigger.
“Falcone hadn’t told us who was going to kill your father.”
“But you knew that he wanted him dead.” I raised my eyes to meet his.
He gave me a look. “Your father betrayed Falcone. Death is the punishment for that.”
I sighed and rose to my feet, dusting off my pants that were covered in a fine layer of red sand.
“Do you ever go to your mother’s grave?” I asked.
“No,” he said. There was no emotion in his voice. “It’s just her body down there. And I don’t even remember her much. I prefer not to stay in the past.”
That was probably a necessity considering the many dark aspects of his life. “And yet to some degree you do.”
Confusion filled Growl’s face. “What do you mean?”
“You let the past determine who you are now, and you’re bound to a man who made you who you are today. There’s so much past in your life.”
Growl considered that. He really looked as if my words were getting through to him.
I risked the next step. “Don’t you want revenge? Have you never dreamed of killing him? Of hurting him for what he’s done to you? You could end it all. Free yourself of your past once and for all.”
Growl shook his head. “I told you, what he’s done to me made me who I am. I would not be here without him. I would not be here with you without him. He gave me you and that’s more than I ever hoped for.”
For a moment I could not breathe, could not move, could do nothing but stare and try to come to terms with what Growl had just said. How could so few words mean so much to me? How could something that man, that monster said, mean anything at all? It seemed impossible, even now.
He took a step closer and brushed a strand from my face before he took my hand in his. It wasn’t a romantic gesture, more like he needed to convince himself of something, needed to make it tangible to comprehend. “But him giving you to me wasn’t kindness,” he said. “Nothing like that. It was cruel and degrading. He wanted to punish you and he knew I was the kind of punishment that would break you.” He let go of my hand. “Just look at that skin. Unblemished. Clean. And look at me.” He held out his arms, covered in tattoos and scars, tanned and muscled. His life showed on his body.
I didn’t know what to say. Self-loathing seeped from every pore of his body, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it.
“Falcone hoped I’d do to you what he did to me. Turn you into something gruesome. Break you apart.”
I grabbed his hand firmly. “You didn’t break me,” I said stubbornly. But I wasn’t sure it was true. I wasn’t the person I used to be. Some part of me had been broken, not through violence by his hands and yet, I had changed all the same.
“Stop hating yourself,” I said angrily. “You aren’t helpless. You are perhaps the only person who can do something against Falcone. If you feel so bad about why Falcone gave me to you, then help me. You always say that you are lost, that you can’t redeem yourself. But that’s not true. You could make up for your sins by helping me and my family.”
Growl curled his fingers over my hand. “By exacting revenge,” he said curiously.
I hesitated. “Yes.” Was I being a hypocrite for suggesting something like that? “Falcone deserves death. We’ll never be free with him around. Not just because he can tell us what to do but because he controls our past, he shaped it, shaped us irrevocably.”
Growl backed away, dropping my hand. “Don’t ask me again. I can’t help you.”
My heart sank. For a moment, he’d actually considered saying yes. I’d seen it in his face. Should I keep trying even though he told me not to? Or should I just accept what obviously couldn’t be changed and hope everything would turn out okay for my mother and sister anyway?
I couldn’t say anymore.
