I wake up after a gloriously restful sleep, mostly thanks to Ash who insisted I slept with him to make sure I actually slept and didn’t, well, you know. I do live with four guys after all.
Hashtag-first-world problems.
Or, perhaps it should be reverse harem problems?
Either way, I feel much better this morning, especially when a certain ginger scented devil wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer, his morning wood digging into my lower back.
“Good morning, Princess,” he rumbles out, his voice fifty shades of husky and making Her Vagisty perk up.
“Good morning, love,” I reply, arching into him as he nuzzles my neck, sending shivers of delicious electricity skirting over my body. Naked as always when I’m in one of their beds, I actually should just bin all my PJs at this rate.
“You don’t know what it does to me when you call me that, Princess,” he growls out, his hand flexing on my stomach before dipping lower, but not quite low enough as he teases me.
“Ash, love,” I say, squirming and trying to get his hand where I need it to be. He growls again at the term of endearment, thrusting his hard length against my back, making me moan. “Stop being such a cunt tease.”
He huffs out a laugh against my neck, more tingles travelling over my skin as his warm breath caresses me. He moves his hand a fraction lower, then another, and just as he is about to reach the gold at the end of the rainbow—oh yeah, I just referred to my vajayjay as a pot of motherfucking gold—the door bursts open with a crash.
“Morning, campers!” Loki declares, strolling in with a swagger and a shit-eating grin. “I hate to stop what looks like a really fun time, but it’s nine-fifteen and we have to be there at ten.”
Ash groans behind me, the sound a match for my own frustration.
“Fine,” Ash practically snarls out, pushing up abruptly and letting all the warm air out of our little duvet cocoon.
“Don’t give me that look, Pretty Girl,” Loki admonishes me, still smiling like he’s thoroughly pleased at being a cockblocker. And cuntblocker. Bastard. “Let’s go meet our baby!” he shouts, and a flutter of anticipation alights in my stomach at the realisation that I will be meeting our baby for the first time today.
“Fine,” I huff, sitting up, less cross than I was when he first stormed in. “I needed a piss anyway.”
“Such a lady,” Loki jokes, laughing when I give him the middle finger and follow Ash out of the room, throwing on one of his shirts as I walk out.
Jax and Kai are already dressed, waiting in the living room for us, so Ash and I get a wriggle on and somehow manage to get ready in fifteen minutes. As we’re heading out of the door, Kai hands me a tupperware and a reusable thermos.
“Breakfast,” he tells me with a smile, and my mouth waters at the thought of my ginger, lemon, and honey tea, and peanut butter on toast. The same breakfast that I’ve eaten every morning for several weeks now thanks to Kai.
“You are a godsend, Kai Matthews,” I tell him, planting a kiss on his cheek as we leave.
The journey to the obstetricians luckily doesn’t take long, and soon we’re pulling up to a modern looking wood and glass building nestled in the forest.
Swallows Birthing Centre is engraved in elegant cursive on a brass plaque next to the glass door, which opens as we approach. Loki laughs and I turn around in my seat to look back at him.
“What’s so funny?” I question, seeing his grin get even wider.
“Well, you’ve gotta appreciate the irony of the name? I mean, if you had only swallowed that night we wouldn’t be here would we?” Then he bursts out laughing, and I can’t help but join him. I mean, it’s pretty fucking funny.
“Not funny,” Ash grumbles as we get out of the car, taking my hand as we walk towards the building.
We’re met by a smartly dressed man, in his mid-forties with dirty blond hair and a square jaw. He’s quite handsome for an older guy, if you’re into the whole age gap thing. There’s a younger looking woman next to him in light pink scrubs.
“Mr Vanderbilt,” he says in a soft calming voice, a broad smile on his face, and I’m instantly put at ease by his calming tone. “Welcome. And you must be Miss Darling, our mother-to-be. Congratulations.”
“Thanks,” I reply quietly, a fissure of excitement running through me at his words. It’s nice to have someone congratulate me, only the guys and Willow know that I’m pregnant, although we’ll have to announce it at some point. I won’t be able to hide it forever. That’s future Lilly’s problem.
“Welcome to Swallows. I am Dr. Arnold, and this is Lisa. She’ll be your midwife, alongside myself as your OB,” he tells us, the woman next to him giving a smile of her own. “Would you like your guests to sit in today too?” he asks, looking from me to Ash.
“Yes, please,” I reply as Ash gives a nod of assent.
“Excellent. If you’d like to follow me, let’s have a quick chat about dates, etc., then we can get to the scan so you can meet your baby.”
My hand grips Ash’s tightly as we walk after the doctor and midwife. Nervous butterflies flutter around in my stomach, threatening to bring my breakfast back up. We are taken into a large bright room with huge glass windows that look out into the forest.
“It’s blacked out glass so no one can see inside,” Lisa explains kindly, seeing my slight look of alarm.
“Thank goodness,” I whisper, clearing my suddenly dry throat as we sit down, Ash letting go of my hand. Lisa disappears briefly, opening what looks like a fridge on the other side of the room, then walks back over carrying a chilled bottle of water with her.
“Here,” she says, handing it to me with another smile.
“Thank you,” I say, tearing up a little at the kindness. Bloody hormones.
“Would anyone else like anything?” she asks the guys, who all shake their heads or tell her they are fine.
“Right, just some information gathering first,” Dr Arnold says, looking down at a tablet in his hands. “When was your last period— May I call you Lilly?” he asks, looking up at me.
“Um, sure,” I respond, feeling my cheeks flush at the question. “Well, um, as for my last period, I, uh, am not quite sure. But I only had unprotected sex on Christmas Day…” I trail off, my face burning and palms sweaty. Ash reaches over to grasp my hand, rubbing my knuckles soothingly, and I give him a grateful smile.
“Okay, let’s work with that for now, and the scan will be able to confirm how far along you are,” he replies. He then proceeds to ask me a whole bunch of questions, about myself and my medical history, then my mother’s medical history. He then starts to ask Ash about his medical history, but Loki jumps in and answers them instead, earning a slight raise of brows. To his credit, Dr Arnold takes in his stride and notes everything that Loki says down. “Right, I think that’s it.” He beams at me. “If you could head over to the bed, and just get undressed enough so we can get to your stomach, we can do the scan.”
“Okay,” I murmur, more nerves flooding my system, and my mouth is once again dry.
Lisa pulls a curtain round to give me some privacy and I take the top part of my yellow bee cord dungarees down, lifting up my t-shirt, then hopping up onto the bed.
“Are you ready, Lilly?” Lisa calls softly from the other side of the curtain.
“Yes,” I answer, taking a deep breath to calm my thrashing heartbeat.
She opens the curtain, and Dr Arnold wheels over a big machine with a screen on it, as well as a keypad and a scanner looking thingy.
“You can come over too,” Lisa tells the guys, clearly not sure who to address.
Ash is immediately at my head, Loki next to him, who takes hold of my hand in his warm one. Mine’s a little cold, so he rubs it gently. Kai manages to squeeze in next to him, giving me a soft smile as Jax stands behind them. Being the tallest, he can see over their heads.
“You ready?” Dr Arnold asks, and all I can do is nod. He sits down on a stool, grabbing a bottle and squeezing some warm gel on my stomach. I watch as he picks up the scanner, rubbing it into the gel and pushing it down into my soft stomach.
Then I hear it.
The whooph-whooph of a heartbeat.
My gaze snaps up to the screen, seeing the unmistakable fuzzy outline of a baby, white on a black screen.
Fuck.
“Loki,” I whisper, gripping his hand tightly as my eyes try to take in every detail, and I am surprised by how much I can see.
“I know, Pretty Girl,” he whispers back, his voice choked and cracking slightly. I briefly glance away to see his glassy eyes watching the screen, completely enraptured.
Looking up at Ash, I can see a similar expression of wonderment on his face, softening it until I can finally see who he was meant to be, without all the suffering and trauma he’s been forced to go through. I look up to find Jax looking at the screen with amazement on his face, his usually tight jaw slack, even as a fire burns in his eyes. Always our protector. I finally come to rest my misty eyes on Kai, and he almost breaks me. There’s a devastating sadness etched in lines across his face as tears drip down his cheeks. He quickly removes his glasses, swiping under his eyes, and my heart aches for him. Before I can say anything to him, though lord knows what that would be, the doctor speaks.
“All looks good, measurement wise,” Arnold states, my head turning back to him. “I’d say you’re around the sixteen week mark. Shall we switch to 3D mode?” he asks, and I nod.
A gasp leaves my lips when my baby, our baby, suddenly appears on the screen as if it’s right in front of us.
“Fuck,” Loki breathes, dispelling the tension in the room and making the doctor and midwife chuckle. “Sorry,” I hear him apologise, but I am fixated on the screen, watching our baby twitch and turn.
I feel a hand stroke my hair before lips press a gentle kiss on the top of my head, his ginger scent engulfing me in warm comfort.
“It’s our baby, Ash,” I whisper, my eyes stinging as I continue to stare at the wriggling baby on the screen.
“It’s perfect, just like its mother,” he murmurs, and a tear escapes my lids, leaving a wet trail down my cheek.
And then it hits me with the force of a mack truck.
I’m going to be a mother.
My breath stills as the thought settles its heavy weight in my very bones.
I am going to be a mother.
A slight panic begins to flutter at the edge of my vision, the idea of being responsible for another being scaring the absolute shit out of me.
“Hey,” Ash whispers, gripping my jaw gently and turning my head away from the screen so that I’m looking into the depths of his grey eyes. “You will be a wonderful mother, Lilly Darling, soon to be Vanderbilt.”
He looks deeply into my eyes, willing me to believe this truth. And although I’m still mildly terrified—yep, that’s a legit phrase and makes complete sense!—the weight on my chest lessens until I can breathe deeply again. Then the last part of his pretty speech registers.
“Hang on, I never said I was going to change my name,” I hiss out, partly outraged at the assumption, partly preening at the idea of being Mrs Vanderbilt.
“No wife of mine will be anything less, Darling,” he informs me with his signature Ash-hole smirk. I narrow my eyes at him, deciding not to start an argument, especially when I’m not actually that objectionable to the idea.
“Well, we’re all done here. Everything is normal and expected,” Arnold tells me, using a paper towel to wipe off the gel on my stomach. “Would you like some pictures?”
“Yes!” Loki blurts out, and we all chuckle then, an adorable blush covering his cheeks as Jax claps him on the shoulder whilst grinning.
As we exit the building, pictures of our baby safely tucked in pockets, I take hold of Kai’s hand, drawing him back from the others who go ahead towards the parking at the rear where the truck is.
“Are you okay?” I ask him, biting my lip as I take in his red eyes and downturned features.
“Yeah…No, shit I don’t know, Lilly. Sorry,” he says in an exasperated tone, a hand coming to rub the back of his neck. “It was just seeing that baby, your baby. It’s so innocent, so pure, and I guess it just reminded me of all that…”
He looks up to me, his amber eyes pained and full of guilt all at once. My soul aches for him, and I just want to take his pain away, throwing it to the four winds.
“Hey,” I say softly, stopping our trek and cupping his jaw with my palm. It’s slightly rough with stubble, and although it makes me worry that he’s not his usual meticulous self, I can’t help but like the rough look on him. “First off, it’s our baby. All of ours, you included. And secondly,” I continue, willing him to believe me. “It’s okay to feel sad, resentful, and anything else. All your feelings are valid, Kai. This is a crazy situation, and it’s bound to be difficult, and dredge up things from the past. Things that you’d rather forget.”
A single tear trails down his cheek, and I use my thumb to wipe it away, even as my own eyes fill.
“You need to let this burden out soon, my love,” I whisper, watching as he closes his eyes briefly, tipping his head back, my hand still cupping his cheek.
“I know,” he whispers back, his voice broken and bone weary. He tips his head forward again, looking at me with desperation in his eyes. “I’m so fucking scared, Lilly. I’ve been keeping it in for so long, I don’t know how to let it out.”
“Oh, Kai,” I choke out, pulling him to me and wrapping my arms around him in a fierce hug. I want to say something, anything, but no words come. Instead, I just hold him close, trying to show him how much I love him.
I just hope that it is enough.
