Several days later, we’re sitting in our dorm, studying on the sofas. Kai is next to me, tapping away at something uber complicated on his tablet whilst I try to study for our latest Shakespeare assignment. We’re looking at Macbeth this term, and it’s not exactly a play full of rainbows and sunshine. Ash is on his chair, well, sofa but he always sits on it, usually alone, and Loki is on the floor, flipping through some textbook. Jax is on the other sofa, his notes spread around him as he looks up something in a huge book, which looks like some kind of medical journal.
My phone buzzes beside me, and I pick it up to see a text. My heart stops as I see who the sender is.
Unknown: Honesty is always the best policy, don’t you agree, daughter darling?
My heart pounds painfully in my chest. Does he know about my pregnancy? That we’re trying to hide it from him?
An audio message pops up next, my stomach sinking as my thumb hovers over the play button. Whatever this is, it’s not good, not good at all.
My pulse pounds as I hit the play button, my brow furrowing as the distinct sounds of rustling sheets and heavy breathing come over the speakers. I can sense the others still as the sound fills the room, followed by the sound of a young boy crying.
“If you didn’t like it so much, Kai, why are you hard?”
My wide wide eyes find Kai, who’s frozen next to me and deathly pale but not looking at anyone. Before I can say anything, the man’s voice, Kai’s uncle if I’m not mistaken, sounds again.
“That feels good doesn’t it?”
“N–no.”
A young boy, Kai, sobs.
“Oh my god,” I gasp out, my hand covering my mouth as the hideous truth of what I’m hearing registers. Tears sting my eyes, and my hand shakes, but I don’t stop the recording, listening to Kai’s sobs and laboured breaths, his uncle saying foul things, as he…as he abuses him.
There’s a final cry, part pleasure, part pain before the recording cuts off.
Tears stream down my cheeks as I look up, my whole body trembling.
“Kai?” Ash asks, voice cracking with pain. I turn to see that he too is pale, and looks ready to vomit.
“He stole my first orgasm,” I hear Kai say in a voice devoid of all emotion, my head snapping back to him. “I didn’t realise that he’d recorded it, sick bastard.”
Then he leaps up and with a roar like a wounded animal, he launches his tablet at the fireplace. He does the same to the laptop sitting at his side, then the coffee table, lamps, and side tables, until the floor in front of us is littered with debris.
I’m full-on shaking now, silent sobs wracking my body as I watch him break, jumping every time he throws something at the wall. The others sit ramrod straight, staring at him with anguish across their faces, their fists clenched, and breathing laboured.
Kai stops, like all the life has left him, and chest heaving, he sinks to the floor, unheading of all the shards of glass and pieces of wood that cover the floor. I lurch forward, as if to go to him, but Loki stops me, holding me tightly as I struggle.
“He’s hurting, Loki,” I beg, pleading with him to let me go. I still as Kai begins to talk.
“The first time, it was the day that we buried my parents,” he begins, looking at his trembling hands. “That night, he came into my room, climbed into bed with me, and–and what I thought was meant to be comfort, turned into something sick and twisted. I was ten years old.” He gives a sharp laugh, and I’m not the only one who flinches at the sound as it cuts into our hearts, leaving us bleeding. “He visited me every night from that night on, mostly touching himself, then moving on to touch me. That recording was, I think, the first time I came, his–his hand wrapped around my dick. I was thirteen.”
My breath stutters in my chest, horror leaving an acidic taste in my mouth at his words. The boys curse around me, but my eyes are fixed on Kai’s bowed head and his limp hands.
“By my fifteenth birthday, I was obviously too old for his tastes, probably helped that I’d been training hard, and so he could no longer force himself onto me.”
He looks up then, straight at me, his eyes those of a broken creature pleading for the pain to stop. My lip trembles, and my heart races as he speaks again.
“But he was right, you know. If I didn’t like it, why did I keep getting hard? Why did I come?”
And this time, Loki can’t stop me as I tear out of his grasp, uncaring of the pain in my feet as the sharp broken pieces of furniture pierce through my fluffy socks. I drop to my knees in front of him, useless tears coursing down my cheeks as I reach out to touch him, stopping short when I realise that he might not want to be touched.
“Can I touch you, please, my love?” I ask in a shaking voice, thick with sorrow.
“You want to touch me? After hearing that?” he questions, his forehead creased and his whole body slumped over as if too heavy for him to hold up any longer. My soul fractures into a thousand tiny pieces, scattering amongst the broken things that lay around us.
“I will always want you, Kai Matthews. Regardless of what some prick paedophile did to you when you were a child.” My voice is strong, full of anger at a world that would let this happen. At Julian for obviously knowing about it, but not stopping it. “And as for you wanting it, it was clear as day that you didn’t, Kai. That man took what was not freely given, and none of it was your fault. Do you hear me? None of it.”
His lip quivers, tears tracking down his flushed cheeks, his glasses gone. A deep mournful sob falls from his lips, and like a dam breaking, it’s followed by another, and another. Throwing my arms around him, I pull his body into mine, his own arms wrapping tightly around my waist as his body shakes with the force of his grief, his head buried in the crook of my neck.
My own vision is blurry as I look up to see Ash on his feet, tears falling down his own cheeks as he gazes at his friend, heartbroken. He comes towards us, wrapping his arms around Kai who just cries harder. I feel Loki come up behind me, and I look as he kneels, his face wet as he too wraps his arms around Kai and I, adding his comfort. I look up as Jax approaches, dropping to his knees in front of us, his jaw working, his eyes brimming with tears. He wraps us all in his huge arms, and we stay that way, holding tightly onto each other, as if we are the only thing stopping the others from floating away.
Eventually, Kai’s sobs subside, turning to quiet hiccups, and then silence. Lifting his head up, he looks into each of our faces in turn, his eyes red and face tearstained. He looks at Jax last, who takes Kai’s face in his huge hands, bringing their foreheads together.
“We will bathe in his blood, brother. You will take what is owed in flesh and blood,” he tells Kai fiercely, and the tension leaves Kai’s body, a small smile tugging his lips.
Jax’s words should chill me. They should fill me with horror and disgust. But they don’t. My darkness relishes the idea of hurting the vile monster who stole from one of my soulmates. Who took a child’s innocence, and caused such pain and doubt in his heart.
We will all wash in his blood, and paint the walls red with it. As I look around at the faces of the men I love, body and soul, I see the vow etched there like carving in stone.
Kai’s uncle will die.
And we shall be the ones to kill him.
We all help to clean up the living room, waving off Kai’s apologies. Jax tends to our small wounds, taking extra care over Kai who has the most scrapes and grazes. Then I run Kai a bubble bath, getting in with him at his insistence, and letting him hold me as the warmth of the water surrounds us. Afterwards, we eat a simple meal of pasta with herby tomato sauce that Loki and Ash prepare, and then I head upstairs with Kai, who takes me to his room.
I realise as I walk in, that I don’t think I’ve ever really been in here before. It’s tastefully decorated in burnt umbers, reds, and browns, like leaves in autumn, and has pretty much the same furniture as all the others with the addition of a large dark wooden cupboard.
He gets dressed for bed in a pair of navy silk pyjama bottoms, leaving his chest bare. I put on my own navy silk nightdress, unintentionally matching him. Looking up, I’m suddenly unsure as to what happens next. I’ve never slept in a bed with Kai. Never spent the night in his arms.
He looks at me, his brow furrowed, then he sighs, pulling back the covers and climbing into bed.
“Stay with me tonight, Lilly?” he says, the end sounding like a question. I heave a sigh of relief, a smile forming on my lips as I climb into bed next to him, surrounded by his refreshing woods after the rain scent as we settle down, facing one another.
“Can I play you a song?” I ask, remembering a song that I heard recently, which is perfect for all I want to say to him in this moment.
“Sure,” he replies, reaching for his phone and handing it to me. I left mine downstairs as I couldn’t bear to look at it, not after that message.
I scroll Spotify until I find what I’m after, connecting the device to the bluetooth speakers in his room, and then hitting play.
Carry You by Ruelle and Fleurie starts to play as we lie there, gazing into each other’s souls. My lips move with the lyrics, Kai’s hand cupping my face as tears spring in his eyes. My own smart and burn, and soon the pillow beneath us is damp. I keep mouthing the lyrics, telling him that I am here and that he’s not alone.
We stay that way, letting the music flow through us, going some way to heal the cuts and gashes that the past few hours have inflicted on our souls and hearts. Those wounds that can’t be fixed with antiseptic and plasters. The song finishes, and we continue to watch each other, Kai’s hand on my cheek, and mine on his bare chest, feeling his heartbeat underneath my fingertips.
My eyes go wide as there’s a sudden flutter in my lower stomach.
“What?” Kai asks, his body going stiff as he sits up slightly. I’m about to reply when I feel it again, like butterflies tickling me. A smile tugs my lips up.
“I can feel our baby, Kai,” I whisper, my hand leaving his chest, placing it on my stomach where I can feel the movements. I wait for another flutter, and although I feel it on the inside, my hand remains still. “Only inside, but it’s moving, Kai.”
The smile that alights on his face is so beautiful that angels must weep in the heavens as he practically glows.
“Can I?” he asks, lifting his own hand off my cheek. “I know I won’t feel anything.”
Taking his hand in mine, I place it directly above where the flutters keep happening. As his palm warms the area up, the flutter happens again, three times in quick succession.
“It knows you’re here.” I beam, not caring if it’s bullshit as the quiver happens once more.
He smiles wide back at me, even though I know he can’t feel a damn thing. We fall asleep like that, facing each other, his warm hand covering the life that’s growing inside of me, and smiles on our faces.
