“Miss Vaughn.” Melinda’s clipped voice calls out as soon as I enter the cafeteria, dressed in jeans and a long cardigan.
She sits by the professors’ usual table, her features pinched, her boring, brown dress suit impeccable.
“You have a visitor.” She motions to the man beside her.
Relief and disappointment churns in my stomach, one contradicting the other.
It’s not my father. I dreaded getting into an argument over why I wasn’t in my room this early in the morning, but at the same time I miss him. Maybe we could talk more freely face to face.
I narrow my eyes at the man beside Melinda, his posture rigid, black suit hanging loose over his shoulders like he recently lost thirty pounds and hasn’t had time to buy new clothes.
Why is he here? It doesn’t make sense. I only met him once and Dad said no one save for him and Dr. Phillips know where I’m recovering.
“Good morning, Hailey,” Officer Matthews denotes with a kind smile. “Your father sends his regards.”
Coming closer, I take his outstretched hand. “He didn’t mention you’d be visiting. Is everything okay?”
“It is, I’ll explain in a minute.” He glances out the window before zeroing in on Melinda. “Do you mind if I take Hailey for a walk?”
“Of course not,” she clips, rising from her seat. She couldn’t look more disinterested if she tried. “Please don’t wander far. It’s easy to get lost in the woods.” She looks at me over her glasses. “I trust you’ll be okay?”
I don’t know.
I nod, remembering what Dad told me about Matthews. Without another word, Melinda turns on her heel, briskly sauntering out of the nearly empty cafeteria.
“Shall we?” Matthews gestures toward the double doors, letting me lead. “I’m afraid I don’t have much time.”
As soon as we’re outside, I regret choosing a cardigan. Had I known it wasn’t Dad, I would’ve proudly pulled Nash’s hoodie over my head, but I didn’t want to face an inquisition.
Now the chilly morning air seeps through, making me shiver. Matthews takes charge of our destination, leading me down a cobblestone pathway toward the forest. Before we get there he stops, and pulls out a folded note from his inside pocket.
He hands it over, urging me to read and I immediately recognize my father’s neat writing.
Sunshine,
I’m sorry I can’t make it out there myself. There are many things I can’t yet tell you about but know that all precautions I’m taking have your best interest at heart.
I need to know what you’ve remembered so far, but I can’t risk a phone conversation, or driving all the way down there in case someone follows me. It’s not safe for anyone to know you’re healing at Lakeside.
Again, I’m sorry I can’t explain things further, but I promise it’s for your own good.
Please answer all of Jonathan’s questions as best as you can. He will relay everything back to me.
I love you and I hope to have you back home safe soon.
Dad
Questions swirl inside my head, begging for answers. My lips part, but the words dissolve on the tip of my tongue. Jonathan’s expression tells me that, like my father, he won’t explain shit.
He’s here to get information, not give anything away.
I swallow hard, wondering why I’m not safe and why no one can know where I am. What the hell happened the night of the accident? What don’t I remember?
How does Alex play into this?
All the effort my dad’s put into sending and keeping me here, how adamant he’s been about secrecy, how insistent on communication, how paranoid over anything suspicious… it all tumbles down on me, confirming what I knew deep down.
My life is on the line.
Frustrated tears well in my eyes, a new wave of questions infesting my mind… None of which will be answered today.
“Can we talk now?” Matthews asks, stepping off the pathway and heading for the trees.
“I don’t think I have any choice in the matter,” I bite back, frustration morphing to anger. “What do you want to know?”
“Not me. Your father. I’m merely the messenger, Hailey.” He stares at me for a while, as if waiting for his words to strike a chord. They do. I can’t blame him for whatever Dad’s hiding. He’s doing him a favor. “Charlie’s worried about you.”
He always worries, but this isn’t normal parent worrying. This is laced with real threat.
I look into Matthews’ eyes, getting a hold of my emotions. Regardless of how angry I am about my father sending his colleague instead of driving over himself, while still keeping me in the dark, there’s something comforting about Jonathan.
The rustling leaves under our feet and the howl of the wind through the trees grow louder the further we walk into the forest. Matthews acts like he knows where he’s heading, though his flickering eyes give him away. Once the asylum buildings are no longer visible between the thick trunks, everything looks the same no matter which way I turn.
Still, we plod on, forward, always forward.
“We shouldn’t wander too far,” I say.
“Don’t worry, I spend all my free time hiking. I’m pretty good at finding my way in the wild.” He smiles, nudging my shoulder. “So are you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Charlie said you two went camping in the woods a lot when you were younger.”
I smile, recalling the times when the two of us trekked through forests, setting camp on high ground so we could watch the stars for hours.
“We never went in blind. Dad taught me to mark the trees.”
“Chalk, right? He said you carried a stick with you wherever you went for years.”
“I don’t have any right now.”
“We don’t need it today, Hailey. We’re not that far away. Someone would hear if you called out.” He slows his steps, glancing around as if checking for eavesdroppers. “How are you finding it here?”
“Listen, I don’t mean to be rude, but…” I tap my head, pulling an apologetic face, “…you’re a stranger. I know you and Dad are close but I don’t remember a single thing about you, so this feels a little odd.”
“That’s understandable. Your father’s one of the good ones, Hailey. It’s been years since I worked with someone I trust. Someone who’d rather risk his life than accept a bribe.”
I’m taken aback by the raw honesty. It’s not every day you hear a cop admitting the system is flawed.
“I know you don’t remember, but you and I… we’re pretty good pals,” he adds with a cheeky smile. “You kicked my ass at a whole lot of boardgames more times than my pride will let me admit.”
Against myself, I smile too. He does seem easy-going. Someone I’d get along with.
“One day, when I’m back home, maybe you can kick my ass for a change.”
“I truly hope so. It pains me to see Charlie like this. He never stops working and barely sleeps, trying to make sure you’re safe. He’s been there for me through thick and thin and now I’m trying to repay him a tiny bit.” He takes a seat on a fallen bough, stretching his long legs. “Charlie wants to know what you’ve remembered.”
My mind pictures the diary in my room. The pages are filling faster than I anticipated. Slower lately because I refuse to write about Alex’s sexual abuse. I doubt it’s connected to the accident, or the threat Dad’s hiding me from, anyway.
I’m too embarrassed to even think about how I let Alex use me, let alone write about it.
“Alex,” I answer simply, taking a seat beside Jonathan at the far end of the makeshift bench. “And Mom. Everything so far is about them. I guess Dad won’t be interested in my memories of Mom’s death.”
“I suppose not,” Matthews admits. “He was there.”
“Yeah… he was.”
“So? What about Alex do you remember?”
“Not that much. I figured out we were… dating, I think.”
“Your father mentioned you said that over the phone. I can tell you that’s news to him, and me. What else?”
Well that’s not reassuring. If Dad didn’t know, then Alex and I must’ve been sneaking around. But… why? Did he not want my dad to know? Did I? Was he afraid Dad would take him off the case if he found out about us?
“He was working a case,” I say, deftly toying with a button on my cardigan. “I don’t know the details, but I know it was dangerous. He was angry all the time and—”
And he made me suck his dick even when I didn’t want to.
I can’t tell him that.
Aside from Alex’s anger, nothing’s relevant and… it’s embarrassing because in my memories I take his shit and ask for more like I deserve it. Like I’ve done something wrong and I’m accepting the punishment. It’s odd.
“I keep seeing him leave, to do something that worries me. I don’t know what, but I tried stopping him a few times.” I pause, unsure what I should say.
Not knowing what’s happening, where Alex is, and how my words will affect him makes it so much harder to be honest. If we were sneaking around, then what Alex told me about the other girl, how special she was, isn’t meant for Dad’s ears.
“What else, Hailey? Anything might be important, the smallest detail,” Matthews says.
He comes across as calm, but it’s artificial. The slight tremble of his hands, the intent of his gaze, the way he leans closer… it all betrays that he’s on edge, eager to know everything.
Apparently, something I said hit a nerve.
I wish I knew what so I could gauge how much Alex would be okay with me sharing but… why would I cover for him? He was nothing but vile in all my memories of him.
He said he was protecting me, but doesn’t every cheating bastard spew that line?
“I think he had someone else,” I say, surprised that the betrayal I can’t remember still hurts. “I don’t know who, but he was in love with her. He left me for her.”
Matthews nods, shepherding his tells so his expression gives nothing away. If only I could read people better. My father’s mastered this skill to perfection: one look, one twitch of the cheek and he extracts heaps of data.
All I see is how closed off Matthews suddenly is. How tightly he guards himself. Whatever case Alex was working, it was important, and his girl… she’s important too.
“That’s all,” I lie, omitting everything I’m too ashamed to share with anyone.
“Thank you, Hailey. I know it can’t be easy for you here, away from everything you know. And it must be even harder because you don’t know what’s happening but—and I hope this goes without saying—you can’t trust anyone right now. Too much is at stake.”
Once more Nash’s sharp features materialize before my eyes. The possessiveness of his touch, the concern in his eyes even when he doesn’t want to show emotion.
He cares.
How much, I’m not sure. It’s hard to judge, but he cares enough to want me in his bed again, even though he never struck me as a guy who enters the same river twice. He cares enough to listen when I speak and understand when I’m silent.
When he held me all night, weaving a metaphorical security blanket around me, I felt almost normal.
“If I can’t trust anyone, why should I trust you?” I ask.
“You shouldn’t.” He playfully nudges my shoulder with his. “The only person you should trust is your father.”
Dad’s lying. With my safety in mind, so technically he has a good reason. If there’s one person who would do anything to keep me safe, it’s Dad… and since he trusts Matthews, by extension, it means I’m safe to trust him.
“You didn’t spend the night in your room,” Jonathan states. “It’s not my place, but be careful, Hailey. Your father will want to run checks on whoever you were with.”
“If I know my father, he already ran a check on everyone here. I’m here, so he clearly didn’t find anything. I think if I keep my mouth shut and don’t share my secrets, I can sleep around with whoever I want.”
“I didn’t… I wasn’t implying that you’re—”
“It’s what you thought, isn’t it? Don’t answer that. You can tell my father I’m fine. If he doesn’t think so, he knows where to find me.”
“Of course. I’ll tell him you’re being… sensible. Maybe it’s best if we don’t mention your boyfriend. Charlie has a lot on his mind without worrying about your heart, too. He’s a shadow of the man he used to be and he wouldn’t send you here if he was concerned about any student.”
My insides riot, the anger and resentment replaced by a sudden longing. I swat away the tears pricking my eyes and swallow the lump clogging my throat.
“You’re right, I’m sorry, it’s…”
“Hard,” he finishes for me, scooting close to drape an arm over my shoulders. “I’ll tell you what. Give me your phone. I’ll put my number in. If you ever want to talk, I’ll come down.”
I lean into his embrace, the scent of his cologne vaguely familiar though I can’t remember where I smelled it before.
Probably during those countless boardgame nights he mentioned. My chest tightens again.
I’ve lost so much… things I’m not even aware of, connections I might never rebuild, relationships, parties, first kisses, all the wild nights and the thrill of sneaking around with Alex.
All I’m getting back is the bad stuff and it’s not fair.
It’s not fucking fair.
