I tie Hailey’s hair into a ponytail, gathering her blonde locks in a tight fist as I crouch behind her, gently stroking her bare back.
I don’t speak. Not yet. I don’t have the words. My mind’s racing, my gut heavy, restless like a nest of snakes in full sun. I triggered whatever memory it was that sank its claws into her. It was the cheap, dirty slut that sent her over, and my head’s full of Alex degrading my girl.
He didn’t do it in bed. It couldn’t have been the kinky kind I had in mind. They never had sex. Hailey told me she didn’t realize she was a virgin because she remembers fooling around with Alex, but never elaborated.
I should’ve asked more questions, but I didn’t want to know any more about the fooling around. I fucking hate that he ever touched her. I hate that he kissed her. I didn’t need more visuals in my head… now I regret not asking.
Alex must’ve called her a slut with a different intent to mine. I wanted to know how deep Hailey’s submissive side runs, what gets her wet, what makes her pussy clench around my cock harder. Some women love degradation. While I’m not a fan, especially not since Hailey became my focus point, I’d do it. I’d do anything she enjoys because her pleasure is my priority.
She is my priority.
Alex didn’t have her pleasure in mind, though. He must’ve called her a slut to belittle her. That’s different. That’s fucking vile.
“Can you hand me a towel?” Hailey mutters, falling back, her butt hitting the cold tiles.
“Are you feeling better? I’m sorry, I—”
“It’s okay.” She wipes her mouth, her hand shaking. “I don’t know all that much about sex, but I know what a degradation kink is and I know you don’t think I’m cheap, dirty, or a slut.”
I kiss her head, my lips lingering on her skin. “You don’t realize how important you are to me.”
She gives me a small, crooked smile, scrambling to her feet. The sound of the toilet flush fills the room, then the trickle of running water as Hailey brushes her teeth, grasping the counter like she doesn’t trust her legs yet.
“I need to know what you saw, pretty girl,” I say, leaning against the wall, still restless, still feeling out of place.
“I don’t remember much… just that he—” She stops, shaking her head. “It doesn’t matter, I’m sorry I freaked out.”
“Don’t apologize. You didn’t freak out. You were shaking, but you didn’t try to go anywhere. You didn’t scream or try to fight me off, you were scared. So fucking scared. What did you see?”
She pops the toothbrush back in the holder with a shaky hand, staring at me in the mirror. “It’s embarrassing.”
“Whatever it is, whatever you saw, I need to know, so I don’t trigger you again.”
Scooping her off the floor, I take her into the room, helping her into her nightdress. She sits in the corner of the bed, her back to the wall, knees close to her chin, cheeks red.
I slip into my boxers and give Hailey space as I drag the wingback chair closer. “Go on. Tell me what Alex did.”
With a defeated sigh, she relents, meeting my eyes. “Ever since that flashback I had in your car I… I keep seeing…” She swallows hard, pinching the comforter between her fingers. “That’s why I didn’t think I was a virgin… because if we’d done that I assumed we’d had sex.”
I rest my elbows on my knees, leaning forward. “What did you do with him?”
She quivers, shame heating her cheeks, eyes darting left and right. I remember how panicked she was when she leapt out of my car in the woods. I remember the things I imagined after reading her diary… I couldn’t have been further off the mark.
I considered abuse. Verbal abuse. I considered physical violence, too, but never sexual, and now she’s here… trembling on the bed after puking her guts out.
“He’d shove me to my knees and—” A lone tear slides down her cheek, driving me crazy.
She doesn’t have to spell it out.
“Did he force you?” I ask through clenched teeth, pure wrath coursing through my veins.
God, I’d give my right arm if someone could reanimate that fucker so I could kill him.
“Sometimes,” she admits quietly. “Sometimes I did it so he wouldn’t be so… cruel. He didn’t care if I couldn’t breathe.” With visible strain, her eyes come back to mine. “And just now… I saw… he wouldn’t ease up, I threw up over… it, and he said I was a dirty slut.”
“Fuck.” I run a hand down my face, pinching the bridge of my nose. “I’m sorry, Hailey, had I known—”
“You didn’t,” she cuts in. “Don’t apologize. Even I didn’t know he called me that until you said it. I don’t know if he was so ruthless every time. Maybe I’ve remembered the worst of it. He was always angry, even more so if he… if he didn’t finish.”
My temper hits sky high.
Cold hands grip my throat, halving the capacity of my lungs knowing that fucker hurt my girl. I’m not far off breaking out in hives I’m so pissed off.
“You should’ve told me sooner,” I say, pumping my fists. “Why do you want to go down on me if you’ve only got bad memories about being on your knees?”
“You’ve never made me feel scared or used. I love everything we do in bed and… maybe I can replace the bad memories with good ones. I trust you. I know you won’t force me if I don’t like it, that you’ll stop when I say stop.”
Jesus…
On the one hand, I understand her reasoning. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both parties regardless of what’s happening. She’d love being on her knees for me. I’d make it so fucking good for both of us. I know I would.
She should’ve told me about Alex the moment we went the distance. I would’ve been more careful with her from the start if I’d known.
Trauma like that lingers, but she’s kept her mouth shut, dealing with it alone. She hasn’t even written about it. There’s nothing on the pages about Alex sexually abusing her and she said those memories have been flooding since that time she jumped out of my car in the woods.
“Why didn’t you write about this in your diary?”
As the words leave my mouth, I realize my mistake.
It’s a sobering moment.
I’ve lost sight of the goal recently, drowning in Hailey, sinking deeper and deeper under an avalanche of feelings I should’ve never entertained.
The goal hasn’t changed and those fucking feelings made me slip up. The rage over someone using her got the better of me, and I didn’t think before I spoke, jeopardizing the mission.
The softness of Hailey’s features disappears, replaced by narrowed eyes and pinched lips.
“You read my diary?” Her voice, dripping with disbelief, is barely above a whisper but it hits me harder than if she’d yelled the question.
The atmosphere changes so fast it gives me whiplash.
From her sadness and my anger to my remorse and her disappointment.
Who would’ve thought I’d give a damn about being a decent human being?
That I’d crave her trust as much as her body?
“You had no right,” she adds, angry tears filling her eyes, the sight like a fucking gunshot wound tearing through my muscles. “That’s private.”
“I’m sorry, Hailey. I shouldn’t have read it, but—”
She shakes her head, her voice breaking like eggshells. “There is no but! When did you even have time to read it?!”
My chest feels heavy, tight, so fucking painful as I watch her cry. I’ve seen her tears before, but I’ve never been their cause and that makes a big difference.
“I fucked up,” I admit, rising from my seat. “I should’ve never crossed that line. I…” I pause weighing my options.
I either come clean right now, hoping she’ll stay long enough to let me explain, or I lie, making sure she doesn’t have a reason to call her father and run.
One day… one day I’ll be the decent man she deserves, but that day can’t be today.
“I was curious. I wanted to know everything about you and help you navigate this.”
“And you chose to invade my privacy? I’ve told you everything.” She’s still not shouting. “You had no right.”
“I know, I’m sorry.” I climb onto the bed, pulling her into my arms. “I’m sorry pretty girl. I thought I could help.”
She shudders gently but doesn’t move away and that’s half the battle won. “I thought I could trust you.”
“You can. You know that, Hailey.”
This is agonizing.
Every day I weave this web tighter, adding more layers of lies. At some point, there’ll be no turning back.
“It was only once,” I say, lulling her into a false sense of security. “After I came back from Chicago. I couldn’t sleep, and your diary was on the bedside table.”
She’s silent for a while, chasing her own conclusions. The whole time she’s thinking, I ghost my fingers down her spine, my lips on her temple.
“Promise you won’t do it again,” she finally says. “I don’t have anyone else, Nash. I need to know I can trust you.”
And even though it fucking kills me, even though I’m spying on her with the best intentions, I take her face in my hands, look into those gorgeous blue eyes and…
I tell her everything she wants to hear.
All of it lies.
