next to mine, and I groaned. Not inwardly either. It had been a long, long week, and I was out of patience. This guy wasn’t taking a hint. He was annoying, but he was relatively harmless, especially when he broke away from his laughing bros.
But I was at the end of my rope, so my normal empathy was frazzled into near nothing.
“Hey.” He grinned at me, and even that annoyed me. “TGIF am I right?”
“Mmm.”
“Do you have plans this weekend?”
“I don’t know.” I opened my laptop, tilting it away from him before typing in the password.
What I wanted to do this weekend was lock myself in my room and do all the homework I’d been neglecting over the last couple weeks while I played pet to Amir and his crew. I wouldn’t get to do that, though. Not in the way I needed to recharge. I was at Amir’s beck and call.
The sacrifice I’d been making for Amir’s protection had seemed worth it in the beginning. My time, my pride, my energy were all things I could give up so I wasn’t terrified of my own shadow—so I could leave my dorm without being constantly afraid.
That was before I realized how much it would wound me to come face-to-face with the reality that Amir did not reciprocate my feelings for him on any level. Before I had to smell another woman on his clothes. Before I had to contend with a bitter jealousy raging through my system I’d never once felt.
“There’s a party tomorrow night and—”
I turned to Deacon. “Please don’t finish your sentence.” I didn’t like him. I thought he was kind of terrible. I still didn’t want to have to reject him.
His expression was genuinely perplexed. “Why not?”
My sigh was heavy with exasperation. “Just don’t, okay? You should sit with your friends. I’m not in a chatty mood.”
He twisted in his seat to face me. “See, this is the problem with you, Zadie. I hear you rejecting me, but you’re so adorable and polite about it, it makes me like you even more. You’re not like other girls—”
I cringed hard. “That’s not the compliment you think it is.”
He chuckled. “I don’t think you’re hearing me. I’m trying to say something nice to you.”
“It’s not a compliment if you have to put down other women to give it.”
“Ah, a feminist.” He bobbled his head like he’d uncovered an important truth. “I can dig that.”
My nose scrunched. “That’s not what feminism is,” I murmured.
He leaned closer. “What?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head. “I’m sorry, but I’d rather not talk anymore. It would make both of us more comfortable if you sat with your friends.”
Deacon stilled, staring a hole into the side of my head. “I don’t get you. If you had any idea what I gave up—you know what? Never mind. You’re obviously having a bad day, so I’m not going to push you.”
“Thanks.” I loaded as much sarcasm into that one word as I was physically capable of.
“I’m not a bad guy, Zadie. I know I can be a dick, and I showed you the worst of me, but I think a girl like you could bring out the best. You’re a quality girl, and I’m a quality guy. I’m just asking you to keep an open mind, because I think you’re adorable and sweet. I can’t stop thinking about you, actually.”
His declaration of infatuation, or whatever it was, gave me the chills. Goose bumps sprouted up and down my arms. Fortunately, he got up and moved to sit with his friends, who earned their laughing boy nickname by cackling at Deacon until our professor called the class to order.
This wasn’t the first time I’d asked myself if Deacon could be the one leaving the poems for me. I’d received another one this week, the same terribly written rhymes carefully typed on white paper. I hadn’t told Amir or my suitemates or even my mother. It was as though my throat couldn’t push out enough air to form the words. At least not those words. I’d spent so much of my life talking about my stalker—to my parents, therapists, the police, lawyers—I thought maybe I was just done.
I didn’t want my biggest personality trait to be the stalker girl. Was that too much to ask?
Probably.
I’d spoken to my mom every day this week. The detective who’d worked on my case had retired, so there were a million hoops to jump through to speak to someone. Finally, she’d gotten a new officer to agree to look into my case and Drew, but according to her, he didn’t seem to be moving with any urgency.
As soon as class finished, I gathered my things, eager to escape. But then what? I had to trudge to Amir’s house and enter a whole new level of hell.
Since he’d fallen asleep on me over the weekend, he’d been more attentive than ever, watching me like a hawk. Sitting in the kitchen while I cooked. Studying my every move. I didn’t know what was behind this escalated intensity, but I hated it…because I loved it.
When I stood up and slung my messenger bag over my shoulder, Deacon was waiting for me a few rows down. With a sigh, I walked down the steps, resigned. I couldn’t leave this classroom without walking by him, and I had a feeling he wouldn’t leave me be as requested.
Sure enough, he fell into step with me, down the steps and into the hallway.
“Are you ready for the test Monday?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” I replied honestly.
“Do you…do you want to study together?”
I glanced at him, taken aback by the earnestness in his question. “That’s a nice offer, but I do better on my own. Thank you, though.”
His smile was tight. “Got it. Thought maybe a study sesh would be more your speed than a frat party.”
I had to laugh at that. “You’re right, it would be. But I really do prefer to study on my own. I can’t concentrate when there are distractions. If I could be in a sensory deprivation tank, all the better.”
Deacon chuckled as he held the door open for me to exit the building. “I don’t know, might be hard to study without any light.”
My laugh was softer this time. “That’s true. I guess I would need one sense in my tank.”
We were both laughing when Amir stepped into my path. His bunched fists were at his hips, his midnight eyes were on me.
“Oh, hi,” I stammered.
He held his hand out. “Come on. I’m driving you.”
“All right.” My fingers twitched, but I wouldn’t let myself slip my hand in his. Not when I so desperately wanted to.
Amir took matters into his own hands, transferring my messenger bag from my shoulder to his, then wrapping his fingers around my wrist and tugging me into his side. He turned us both to face Deacon, then he curled his arm around my shoulders. For his part, Deacon blanched, but he didn’t back off. He stood there, legs wide, chest puffed, as if he was ready to take Amir on if he needed to. As if he had any chance.
I slid my palm across Amir’s chest. “Let’s just go. I’m tired.”
“Are you okay, Zadie?” Deacon asked.
“I’m fine,” I assured him. I may not have liked Deacon, but I would never want him to face Amir’s wrath. After witnessing his viciousness in the ring, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
Okay, maybe Drew. Maybe. But I wouldn’t watch.
Amir’s muscles flexed and rippled under my hand, then he tipped his chin to peer down at me. “Do I need to do something about this situation?”
I shook my head. “No. It’s fine. I promise. There’s no situation.”
His head snapped back up to scowl at Deacon. “You see this? This is mine. Remember that, kid, and we’ll be fine.” Then he stalked off, and since I was attached to him, he dragged me with him, forcing me to scramble to keep up.
“Can you please slow down? My legs are much shorter than yours.”
He immediately tempered his pace, slipping his hand from my shoulder to cup the side of my neck. He kept his touch gentle and light, despite the tension bleeding from his muscles. “I did not enjoy seeing you sharing a laugh with that asswipe.”
My mouth gaped. “I’m not allowed to laugh now?”
“That’s not what I said.”
“He said something funny, so I laughed. I didn’t accept his proposal to become his personal house pet next semester or anything.”
“No.”
“No what?”
His hold on my neck rose to my jaw. His thumb pressed against my bottom lip. “No, snarkiness doesn’t suit you. Not from this sweet mouth. Stop.”
He was right, it didn’t, but I was completely out of sorts. And maybe I was more than a little angry and fed up with…well, everything. So, if some snark came out, it was only fair, and I didn’t want to be called out on it.
“I’m sorry I can’t be sweetness and light every second of the day. I’m human, Amir. Sometimes I’m in a bad mood. Sometimes all of this gets to me, okay?”
“All of what, mama?”
He used that voice on me. The lacquer-coated one that made my stomach feel like it was on fire.
“Everything. You, the poems, school, Max. I guess I’m tired. I know you don’t care. I know I have to suck it up, and I will. I promise I will. But—”
Amir swung me around, backing me into the side of his SUV. I hadn’t even noticed we were in the parking lot until that moment.
“If you could do anything right now, if you didn’t have any of this shit going on around you, what would you do? How would you spend your Friday night?”
I considered his question carefully, flipping it over in my mind to see if it was a trick. “Last semester, I spent most of my Friday evenings with Hells and Elena having dinner and sometimes watching a movie. They always went out after, and I’d stay in my room studying and listening to music. And I know it sounds boring, and maybe it was, but I want a little bit of that boring back. I wasn’t worried or scared. I could just be. I’d like a night like that, where I can just be.” I brought my hand up to his chest, pressing into the heat emanating through his Savage U T-shirt. “I don’t know if I’ll get that back.”
“You will.” He leaned into me, bringing his face close to mine. “I’d give you that if I could.”
Lips parting, I sucked in a breath. “That’s a nice thing to say.”
“If I take you back to your dorm now, give you the night off, what will you do?”
I was both elated and miserable at the prospect. I needed the distance from Amir he hadn’t been giving me this week, but I didn’t want it. My mind was at war with my stupid, stupid heart. My mind would win, though. All I had to do was remember those perfumed sheets, and my mind would stomp my heart into a bloody pulp.
“Homework. I really, really need to catch up.”
He shook his head. “Jesus, what a waste. Friday night and my pet wants to do homework.”
“It’s not that I want to, it’s that I have to. We’re not all as naturally gifted as you, Amir.”
His mouth twitched, giving me a small grin. “That sounded like a compliment.”
I pushed on his chest, but of course he didn’t budge. “You know how smart you are. Don’t be coy.”
He’d had me read over his analytics paper on Wednesday before he turned it in the next day, and it had been perfection. My little nerd soul had longed to throw it down on the floor and roll around in all the ideas and analysis printed on those five sheets of paper.
Stupid Amir and his big intellect. He could have just been hot, but no. He had to add in smart and make himself irresistible to a girl like me.
Perfumed sheets.
Pain. Blood. Gore.
There, that’s better.
He trailed his hand down the side of my hair, toying with a ringlet. “If I didn’t have to do a job for Reno, I’d take you out. Give you the kind of Friday night you should be having.”
“Why do I think our ideal nights out differ greatly?”
“You deserve to be shown off, Zadie, not locked away in your room. You can have a lazy Sunday. You can be boring when you’re forty. What you won’t be doing anymore is hiding. Not when I can be with you.” He hooked his arm around my waist so our bellies were flush. “You dance?”
“In my bedroom,” I replied.
“You dance.” His lids lowered. “You’re gonna dance with me.”
“Is that part of my job?”
“Does it need to be to get your sexy ass in a dress and grinding on my leg?”
I swallowed hard, but it did nothing to clear the thick coating in my throat. “I don’t know,” I whispered. “I don’t…I’ve never done that.”
He took a handful of my butt and squeezed. “I know that. Believe me, I know that. I’m gonna make it happen for you, Zadie. All the things you haven’t done because of that piece of shit, I’m going to give them to you.”
Perfumed sheets.
“So, it’s part of my job?”
The heat in his eyes dimmed. He let go of me to take a step back. “Does that make it easier?”
I nodded. “I need to remember what we are.”
“We are what I say we are.” Taking me by the shoulders, he swiveled me around then opened the SUV door and practically shoved me inside, copping a feel as he went.
The drive home wasn’t quiet, but Amir didn’t speak. He cranked up the sound system, drowning out the silence with explicit rap. I thought he’d pull up to the curb and dump me out, but he turned into a spot and put the SUV in park.
Reaching across the console, he unbuckled me, grabbed my wrist, and tugged. “Get over here, mama,” he gritted out. The heat was back, but this time, it was a raging fire, and I feared it was directed at me.
I should have run. I should have done anything other than crawl across the console. But I didn’t. Amir took me by the waist and guided me to sit sideways on his lap, like he’d done that first night. And the second.
He might have been angry, but he stroked my face so gently, I didn’t feel any of his wrath.
“What are you doing tonight?” he murmured.
“Staying in and studying. What are you doing tonight?”
He exhaled through his nose. “Work.”
Work probably meant more perfumed sheets, or maybe bloody clothing and bruised knuckles. Quite possibly both.
“Have fun,” I whispered, unable to keep the melancholy out of my voice.
He canted his head, studying me, really taking me in. “I’m taking you out tomorrow. It’s part of your job, if that’s what you need to hear.”
“Okay.” At this point, it was what I needed, to keep what was happening with him compartmentalized. It was the only way I’d walk away at least somewhat whole.
His thumb pressed into the corners of my mouth. “What’s this about? Why does it look like you’re sad?”
“I told you, it’s been a lot lately. Too much.” I blinked at him, then let my eyes fall. “I need…I don’t know. I don’t know what I need, but I just…I don’t know.”
He stared at me for another long beat, then he did something so unexpected, I went with it. Cradling the side of my head in his wide palm, he pushed me down until I lay on his chest and wrapped his arms around me.
And it was…a hug. Amir was hugging me. The backs of my eyes stung from how tender the gesture was. I didn’t even know he could be tender, yet here he was, holding me when I needed it badly.
The scent of his warm spice invaded my nose. His calm heartbeat thrummed in my ear. Fingers trailed up and down my arm and along my spine. It was so nice, so sweet, so perfect, I would have thought I was dreaming, if not for the fact that I didn’t have nice dreams like this anymore. Not lately at least.
My tight, stressed body relaxed as the minutes ticked by, and I melted into Amir’s embrace. Then he kissed the top of my head, and my heart shuddered so hard in my chest, it felt like my sternum was close to cracking.
I couldn’t do this. This wasn’t wise.
I lifted my head. “I should go in.”
“Yeah.” He took my jaw in his hand, pulled me close, and touched his lips to mine. “Get out of my car, Zadie.” His lips ghosted over mine again, then his head fell back on the rest, and he watched me under half-mast lids.
“’Kay.” I forced my limbs to move, retreating to the passenger seat to grab my messenger bag. With one hand on the door, I looked at Amir. “Thank you.”
He lifted a shoulder. “Don’t like you sad. I didn’t know that about myself until now. But yeah, I don’t like it.”
There. There he went saying things that would inevitably lead to my heart breaking. I should have punched him. Instead, I smiled. His gaze lowered to my lips while his turned up ever so slightly.
“Who knew you could be kind of sweet?” Swinging open the door, I hopped out onto the pavement, then spun around, looking up at Amir. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I kissed my hand, then waved a goodbye, closing his door behind me.
I had always known Amir was dangerous, but there in the front seat of his vehicle, he’d given me a glimpse of how truly dangerous he was.
