had been empty and full all at once. I ached for Amir, for what we could have had and what we did have. But I was also angry at him for choosing to stay in that life. I would never understand his choice, and I didn’t want to.
I was never alone. Not when I cried, studied, or stared out the window on a cloudy day I hoped might turn into rain. It didn’t. Elena, Helen, Theo, and even stoic Lock were always around. I was always being hugged and touched and reassured.
I hadn’t told them about the break-in, just that Amir and I split because of our differences. I guessed I was protective of him, even though it was over.
I’d made it through a weekend of no Amir, no Julien, no Marco. Because I missed them too, but I couldn’t have them either. I saw Julien once on campus. He gave me a sad wave, then he turned the other way. It wasn’t a surprise, but it stung like a thousand hornets.
Not hearing a single word from Amir stung even worse. It was more like shrapnel lodged under my skin, though. He’d let me go so easily, with barely a fight. It was what I needed, but it still made me feel disposable.
Monday was a trudge through my classes. By the time I got back to my dorm, all I wanted was to crash on my bed and turn off my brain for a while. I opened the door, finding Elena on the love seat and an all too familiar blonde taking up the one opposite.
“Hey.” I started by them, keeping my head down so I didn’t get caught up in a conversation I really didn’t want to participate in.
“Hey, Z. We’ll be out of here soon.” Elena knew how I felt about Kayleigh, one of my roommates from freshman year who’d been absolutely horrendous to me.
“Oh my goodness, Zadie, is that you?” Kayleigh jumped up and surrounded me in her cloud of sugar-lemon perfume. “I totally forgot you’re El’s roomie. So fun. It’s good seeing you.” She air-kissed my cheek and gave me a tight smile.
“You too. Have a good visit.” Well, that wasn’t so bad. Maybe she’d grown up some since I’d lived with her. Or maybe she was just on her best behavior in front of Elena.
I retreated to my room, closing the door quietly, and collapsed on my bed. But I was either a glutton for punishment or too curious for my own good, because I got right back up a moment later, cracked my door, and peeked out.
“—going to die when I tell you this. Remember the party the Pi Sig boys were planning?”
Elena made some kind of disgruntled sound. “Cretins, all of them.”
Kayleigh giggled. “I don’t know, I think some of them are really cute. But that’s not really the point. See, their Dogfight party is this weekend, and almost all of them have secured their dog dates except Deacon. His buddies sent him after this girl, but Deacon ended up liking her and said she was too pretty for him to win the ugliest date contest.”
My arms prickled with goose bumps at hearing Deacon’s name.
Elena patted her mouth like she was yawning. “Wow, I’m bored. Misogyny makes me sleepy.”
Kayleigh giggled again, but it was less sure this time. “Oh, I know you think the party is lame, and I guess it is. I wouldn’t have brought it up, except you’ll never believe who the girl is.” She leaned forward like she was telling a secret but didn’t lower her voice at all. “It’s Zadie! Deacon is totally a chubby chaser. His boys are dying.”
“What?” Elena went as rigid as I felt.
“Isn’t that crazy? I mean, she is cute, so Deacon’s right, she wouldn’t win him the grand prize, but can you even believe it? He’s so into her, he writes her the corniest poetry, and it’s just the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Elena rose to her feet. “Get the fuck out of my suite.”
I couldn’t see Kayleigh’s face from my angle, but I imagined her looking really stupid. And scared. If Elena Sanderson was pissed at me, I sure would be.
Kayleigh unfolded from her seat, hands on her hips. “Are you kidding me? Are you actually mad at me because I—”
A loud crack stopped Kayleigh from spitting out whatever horror she’d had on the tip of her tongue. Elena blew on her red palm like a smoking gun and feinted a lunge in Kayleigh’s direction, sending her stumbling back a step.
Elena casually checked her fingernails for chips all while eviscerating Kayleigh. “One day, Prada willing, you will have an original thought in your vapid head, and I hope it’s the realization that you will never be as good as Zadie. You’ll never be as pretty or hot, but above that, you will never be liked for simply existing. I know you’ve been around her and spent a year living with unbearable jealousy because you sensed—though you couldn’t possibly understand, because again, vapid—Zadie is special and you never will be. You’re ordinary and boring and frankly, a piece of shit. So, please, Kayleigh, take your rotten snatch, busted extensions, and wretched veneers, and see yourself out of my suite.”
“I can’t believe you s-s-slapped me,” Kayleigh cried as she moved to the door.
“Oh, believe it. I’ve done much, much worse, and I’m always game to top myself.” Elena slammed the door shut on Kayleigh’s back and dusted her hands off. “Au revoir, salope.”
Elena sauntered into the kitchen, filled a glass with water, and took a long drink. I pushed out of my room, red faced. She opened her arms, and I rushed into them, both of us squeezing tight. I got the sense Elena wasn’t much of a hugger, because she did it a little too hard, but I liked it anyway.
“Everything I said was true,” she murmured.
“Thank you for saying it.”
I didn’t cry. I wasn’t sad. I’d heard worse things, and being called chubby really wasn’t untrue, so I couldn’t bring myself to care about that anymore.
“I really don’t like that girl.”
I let out a wet laugh. “No, me neither. I don’t think she’s actually jealous of me, though.”
Elena pulled away, holding on to my shoulders. “Agree to disagree, sunshine.”
I tried to smile, but I couldn’t force it. “I think…I think I need to do something about that party. I can’t let it happen to the girls who got invited.”
“You’re right. And obviously, I can’t let you take that on yourself.” She let go of me, picked up her phone, and started tapping. “Helen will be back in a minute. Once she’s here, we’re going to fuck up some Pi Sig boys and make them wish they were never born.”
I crinkled my nose. “I don’t think I can fuck anyone up.”
She patted my head. “Obviously we’re not going to break bones or anything. It will be the threat of breaking bones that does it.”
“Give me a minute to gather my thoughts. I think…I think I have an idea that won’t require breaking bones.”
I wasn’t immune to being hurt. The little confidence I had was a fragile thing, something hard won after everything I’d been through. Hearing Kayleigh talk about me, about how Deacon and his friends viewed me, made my confidence waver. The girl I was when I came to Savage U freshman year would have crumbled. But I was so much stronger now, and I was pissed off.
Who were these boys to decide who was attractive? What gave them the right to traumatize girls for fun? How did their self-importance get so grand, they assumed they could hurt people and not face repercussions? If I’d accepted an invitation to that party, I would have been destroyed to find out the true reason behind it. How does someone recover from something like that?
I wasn’t going to run and hide. Those laughing boys wouldn’t be throwing a party this time.
Helen, Elena, and I marched across campus, each of us with a bat in hand. Elena had bought us all pink bats. Helen absolutely refused to carry hers. Her bat was an old wooden one, scuffed from the times she’d used it, and Helen didn’t play baseball, so…
We had a plan. Whether my bloodthirsty roommate stuck to it was yet to be seen, but we had one.
My courage fled as soon as the frat house came into sight. Laughing boys lined the front porch. If I’d been alone, I would have turned right back around and ran home to hide in my room.
Elena and Helen had no such qualms. They charged forward, bringing me with them.
One of the guys stepped out of the group to speak to us. “Can I help you?”
Helen pushed open the front door and stalked inside without acknowledging him. Since Theo lived here Helen knew her way around. Not that she would have let that stop her.
Elena paused with her bat on her shoulder, cocking a hip, scanning the guy from head to toe. “No. I don’t think you can, buddy. Try helping yourself to a haircut that doesn’t look like it originated from a TikTok trend then maybe we’ll talk. I put strong emphasis on maybe.”
The guy sputtered. Elena ignored him, grabbed my hand, and pulled me along with her. Helen was waiting for us at the base of the stairs. As soon as she saw us, she continued her mission, storming up, us following.
Deacon’s door was cracked. Helen pushed it open with her bat, covering her eyes with her hand.
“If your dick is out, I’m going to scream.”
Elena peeked over her shoulder. “I think his dick is away. I forgot my magnifying glass to be sure, but if I can’t see it, it’s not there, right?”
Helen dropped her hand from her eyes and waved at Deacon, who was frozen on his bed, his laptop on his lap. His eyes were on me, even though I was only peering at him from between Elena and Helen.
“Zadie? What are you doing here?”
My friends shifted, allowing me into the room, and pulled the door shut behind me. This was my show unless I needed them. Gathering up the courage that had tried to do a runner, I found my words.
“I know about the party. The Dogfight party.”
Deacon shut down his laptop and sat up straight. “I was never going to invite you to that. You don’t fit the…um, criteria.”
I swung my bat back and forth between my fingertips. “What’s the criteria?”
His mouth twitched. He swiped at it with his hand, glancing at Helen and Elena as they wandered around his room, picking up things from his dresser and desk.
“You know I like you. Christ, you’ve seen the poems. I’ve never written a poem my whole life, but I think you’re really pretty. And sure, you’ve got some extra pounds, but it doesn’t even bother me. Not on you.”
I shook my head, frowning at him. “What’s the criteria, Deacon?”
He exhaled, shoving his fingers through his floppy brown hair. “I guess it sounds bad, but it’s not really. The girls don’t ever find out. The prizes are awarded after. And honestly, you should see some of the dogs in the engineering department. They probably feel lucky to have been asked out for once in their lives.”
Helen bent down, getting in his face. “Do you actually hear yourself?”
He scooted back, giving himself some space, craning his neck to see me around Helen. “I know you think I’m an asshole, but I promise, I was never going to invite you to that.”
Elena bent down on his other side, even more in his face than Helen had been. “You said that, Deke. Is all the misogyny addling your brain? Or is it as naturally puny as your dick?”
Helen cleared her throat. “Actually, the last time I paid Deacon a visit, I got a front-row view of his erection. You know life isn’t fair when this douche has a decent-sized hard-on.”
Elena shrugged. “I heard he finishes in two pumps so it’s a waste.”
Deacon leapt to his feet, angry now. “You need to get the fuck out of my room. I’ll call campus security if you don’t.” He swung around to Helen. “And don’t think I won’t have you banned from the house. It won’t be so easy to visit your boyfriend then, will it?”
Helen crossed her arms. “Yeah, I don’t think that’ll be happening.”
I strode forward so I was closer to Deacon than I would have liked, but it was time to shut this down. “You need to cancel the party.”
He glared at me, then he sputtered a laugh. “Now, why would I do that? What makes you think I even have the power to do that?”
“Are you saying you have no power?” I gave him a pouty look and batted my eyes a little. It wasn’t something I’d done before, so there was a chance I looked stupid, but from Deacon’s softening eyes and the curl of his lips, I didn’t think so. “Who should I talk to then? Who planned the party?”
“The leadership committee planned it, but you don’t need to talk to anyone else, Zadie. It’s just a laugh, no one gets hurt. If it bothers you, I won’t even attend.”
If it bothered me? Oh, this guy was clueless. But I wanted him to keep talking, so I continued my pouty lip thing, adding in a little nibble to the bottom one. Deacon visibly shuddered.
“The leadership committee? Are you a part of that?” I asked.
“No, that’s Ryan, Sean, and Owen. Next year I will be, though.” He puffed out his chest. “I’ll be the one making decisions.”
Not if I could help it.
Elena tapped her bat against a frame on Deacon’s wall. It held a Harvard scarf that looked vintage. “This is cute. Looks like someone’s grandpa was an Ivy Leaguer. I bet you really let the fam down when you came to Savage U.”
Deacon instantly tensed and flew into action, rounding the bed. Helen popped in front of him to block his access to Elena.
“Don’t touch that. It’s irreplaceable,” he seethed.
Elena tapped her bat a little harder. “So, you’d be super sad if I broke the glass and wrapped this old thing around my neck?”
He tried to dodge around Helen, but she held her bat up, getting in his face. “What do you want? I told you, I can’t cancel the party. There’s nothing more I can do.”
Elena arched a brow. “Oh, I think you can do a lot.” She reared back and whacked the glass, instantly shattering it. Then she pulled the scarf off its matting and swung it around in her hand. “Jeez, this thing is scratchy.”
“Put it down,” he screeched. “That belonged to my grandfather. It’s more than fifty years old. It’s fragile.”
“Cancel the party,” I said. “Cancel it or I’ll go to President Whitlock.”
He glanced at me over his shoulder, red faced and wild eyed. “I can’t do that, Zadie. I’ve been patient with you because I like you, but it’s wearing thin. Gather your army of cunts and exit my room. Well, you can stay if you want to be nice, but these bitches need to make a swift fucking exit before I lose my shit.”
He started to push Helen out of the way. She was a tough girl, but she wasn’t big, and… well, Deacon was pissed. But I had enough. We could go. I pressed the button on my phone, stopping the recording, and ensured it was sent directly to the cloud.
“We should go.” I held up my phone. “I have enough.”
Deacon spun all the way around, the scarf forgotten. “What are you talking about?”
Elena sauntered right by him, scarf in hand, to his desk. His eyes were on me, so he didn’t see her opening his drawers and drawing out a long pair of scissors.
“I asked you nicely to cancel the party. Since you’re unwilling, I’ll be sending the recording I just made to President Whitlock. Elena and Helen will also act as witnesses to everything we heard.” I crossed my arms, meeting him square in the eyes. “And if you don’t stop harassing me during and after class, including in the library and my suite, I will hand over all the notes you’ve left me to the police and request a restraining order. When I leave this room, I want nothing more to do with you, Deacon Forrestor—not that I ever wanted it in the first place. And in the future, when a girl tells you no, that’s the final answer. Being creepy and writing terrible poetry will not change that.”
Before he opened his mouth, Elena giggled. “Whoopsie!” She’d sliced the scarf clean in half. “I guess my hand slipped.” She dropped the scarf and scissors, picked up her bat, and swiped everything off Deacon’s desk. “Damn, slipped again.”
She skipped right past him to the door like a preppy Harley Quinn, giving him a crazed wave as she exited. I knew it was more for show than anything, to keep him on edge and distracted as Helen and I escaped, but I couldn’t say she didn’t scare me just a little too.
Deacon was hot on our heels as he ran toward the stairs. “Fucking bitches. I’ll destroy you. You’re so fucking fucked, you pigs. You fucking filthy cunts. You’re dead.”
He chased us all the way outside where we were intercepted by two very big, very strong, very angry men. Luckily, they were on our side.
Theo shoved Helen behind him. “We’ll talk about this later.”
Lock grabbed my bicep in one hand, Elena’s in the other, and moved us behind him. When Elena tried to sneak right back in front of him, his arm shot out, blocking her.
“Stay, Elsa, or I will spank your ass red,” he growled so low, only the three of us heard.
Elena froze, cheeks flaming, staring at Lock like he’d both lost his mind and pushed a button she hadn’t known existed. He turned his back on her. She continued staring.
Theo was having a word with Deacon and a few other guys I didn’t recognize. Deacon was being held back and quieted by the guys with cooler heads as Theo calmly explained his father, President Whitlock, would be hearing all about the Dogfight party from him personally.
I let Theo handle it from here, because I’d done it. I was the one who’d come up with this plan. I tricked Deacon into spilling everything about the party, including dropping names. And I was the one who would be taking this stupid, backward frat down. Buh-bye, laughing boys.
Pride surged through my veins. I’d stood up for myself and other girls. For once, I hadn’t sought out a man to help or hide behind. My own bravery had taken me by surprise—and I was high off it. If this was what taking a stand felt like, I’d do it more often. I’d suck it up, find my voice, and use it.
Helen tucked me under her arm. “You did good, Z. These boys are toast.”
“You were pretty scary.” I elbowed Elena. “And you…remind me not to meet you in a dark alley.”
She glared at Lock’s wall of a back. “Does he really not know my name? Are you kidding me?”
Helen and I made eye contact. She laughed first, and once she started, I couldn’t stop myself. For the first time in a week, I was happy. Genuinely light and not weighed down by heartbreak.
Everything was going to be okay. Maybe not right now or even soon, but I’d get there.
